Silence

by SiSuHu

in which Castiel learns things about Dean. * DESTIEL * "But this might be some sort of stupidity, some sort of humanity, he might go through here. After all Cas is kind of falling, and not in that 'falling down because of gravity' kind of way..."

8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I am depression. I am the constant feeling of being not enough. I pull you down and pick you up, and probably I am the only thing that will ever know who you are.

No tear ever fell. Never. His heart was dry. No laughing and no crying. Just drinking. He didn't think about it all the time, but when he did, he wondered why. Barely noticed the withered branches of his tangled world of feelings, and never trained. But just now they seemed to all call for attention. Everything was streaming around inside him like a wild storm of cooking nothingness. His face heated, his hands shivering, and all unsettled by complete loss of control.

Dean lifted his glass and let the bitter liquid numb his throat. His heart and his head. Hoping and waiting for the haze of alcohol. It all needed to go away and nothing to be borne. Far too much energy cost him all the despair and helplessness he considered himself to be exposed to. Not serving the inexistent power to change something that had already happened. What had he done. Nothing was as it was supposed to. Somehow he had to react and this was the choice he had made. Drown. And everything threatened to get worse. Never would he know what to do, if he would have broken it all. How would he stomach the loss.

And Castiel tried to obliterate. But hardly successful was every try to make him understand, that not all was the end, that it wasn't all over, happened, but going on.

And Castiel forced himself to go. He had to make room for the process of pondering. Not disturb the progress of things.

Another massive sip of whiskey that burned itself through his body, and everything began to mix. Emotions and sweat and tiredness and the room, all the colors almost agreed on stained and chaotic. Barely any outline he could catch and shuddering creepily the overwhelming feeling in his head covered him, every cell and synapse pulsated and his mind paused. Dared failure made his lids heavy and thick.

And Dean tried to run, but never moved. The deep certainty of irretrievability laid around him strongly like a brace, paralyzed and held back by the past. And with gravel in his voice he forced himself quiet and silently to a cracked „okay", when the angel wordlessly disappeared through the door. And he could see no more bravery in his eyes, only sadness.