I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

focused on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old, familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

- Johnny Cash: Hurt –

When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your pain when darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

Iwill lay me down

- Simon and Garfunkel: Bridge over troubled water -

Sideswipe was looking for Ratchet. He hadn't seen him at all after the battle, and he was getting worried. Especially since he'd been to the med bay, the hallway where triage had taken place, the morgue, the storage rooms, the officer's lounge, the rec room and the Prime's office without finding a trace of him.

Ratchet was AWOL. And Sideswipe didn't like it.

He headed for the med bay, again, aiming to at least pry a bit at one of the other medics. One of them had to know where Ratchet was. The incoming comm interrupted him before he could get that far, though.

::Sideswipe.::

::Ironhide? What's up, sir?::

::I need ya ta find Ratchet. I'd do it myself, but I'm on duty with the Prime and can't get away.::

Sideswipe's attention split between worry for Ratchet and trying to avoid throwing his arms up in the middle of the hallway like an idiot – because he was already looking for Ratchet, dammit – with a small processor thread dedicated to whether or not Ironhide actually thought he fooled anyone by never saying Optimus' name.

::Hate to break it to you, 'Hide, but I've been looking for Ratchet for most of the day. He's nowhere to be found.::

Ironhide swore. It was one of the more colorful ones Sideswipe had ever heard, and he made a mental note to try it out on Cliffjumper or someone later.

::Of course he isn't,:: Ironhide sighed. ::He always goes inta hiding after intense fighting, and today was one of the worst yet.::

Sideswipe had to agree with that. No one had really expected such an extensive bombing run. The number of Autobot casualties were staggering, the highest from a single battle yet, but the civilian casualty count was high enough to completely dwarf the Autobot numbers.

::I probably shouldn't do this,:: Ironhide grumbled. :: But I think we need ta find him sooner rather than later. This is the code ta his quarters.:: He rattled off a series of numbers. ::If he ain't there, we need ta start searchin' the city. I hope it doesn't come ta that.::

::Me either,:: Sideswipe agreed fervently. He turned around, heading towards the officers' quarters. ::I'm on it.::

The hallways grew steadily more empty as he approached the quarters he thought had to be Ratchet's. Normally, he wouldn't have minded the empty corridors. But now that he was already worried for Ratchet, the lack of other mecha made his plating crawl - even though he figured the reason no one was around was because everyone was still on duty, wrapping up today's disaster.

Still. Sideswipe sped up, hurrying without really knowing why.

He did have enough patience to actually try knocking on the door before letting himself in. He even called Ratchet's name a few times. But when there was no response, he didn't hesitate to put in the code as fast as he could manage.

The door slid open to reveal a darkened room. No sign of Ratchet. Sideswipe walked in slowly, almost apprehensively – he wasn't sure what he would find, even with every instinct he possessed screaming at him that he was in the right place, that Ratchet was here and needed help.

No Ratchet in the berthroom. Not in the small couch in the corner either.

But there was the sound of solvent running coming from the attached wash rack.

Sideswipe slid the door open slowly, flinching back a bit when the steam hit his face. The air was thick enough with it that he had problems making anything out.

Though he did see enough to pick out the tight ball of white and red plating bunched up in the corner of the room.

::Got him, 'Hide. But it's not good.::

::Do what ya have ta, Sides. Ya know him well enough fer that.::

Sideswipe moved closer, making sure to telegraph his every move so he wouldn't spook the other mech. Ratchet didn't look like he was quite in touch with reality at this point.

Sideswipe had seen the like before. In himself, and in is brother.

"Ratchet? Hey, I'm coming in, okay?"

The medic didn't respond. He was sitting as far into the corner as he could get, knees pulled up to his chest, head hidden in his arms.

Sideswipe turned the solvent off, and in the sudden quiet he could hear the faint rattle of Ratchet's plating.

Slowly, carefully, he knelt in front of the trembling mech. "Hey, Ratchet. It's just me. It's Sideswipe." He hesitated for a moment, then put his hands on Ratchet's arms.

Blue optics blinked up at him. "Sides?" Ratchet's voice was a static-filled croak.

"Yeah, it's me." He tugged at those arms. "Come on, let's get you dry. You're going to rust or something."

Ratchet didn't object to the blatant falsehood, and if nothing else that was clear evidence to Sideswipe of how out of it Ratchet was. He'd usually be calling Sideswipe an idiot for spouting such nonsense. Instead, the medic just let himself be pulled until he was leaning against Sideswipe's arms, letting him take most of his weight as he stood up.

Sideswipe guided him to the door, snagging a drying cloth on the way. By the time they got to the couch he'd managed to get Ratchet mostly dry, despite the medic being more of a burden than a help. Ratchet slid down onto the seat, pulling himself back into that tight little ball.

Sideswipe simply sat down beside him, close enough to feel the faint vibrations every time Ratchet shivered.

"So," he began after a moment. "Want to talk about it?"

To his surprise, Ratchet leaned against him. Completely. A full frame lean, all of Ratchet touching Sideswipe's side, like he was trying to soak up the warmth of Sideswipe's plating. Or reassure himself that Sideswipe was still alive.

"I was on triage duty today," Ratchet began brokenly, his vocalizer still randomly spitting static. Sideswipe stared in surprise – he hadn't actually expected Ratchet to say anything. Not without him prying and pushing.

"We were," Ratchet continued unsteadily. "We were swamped. There were injured coming in constantly, too many to keep track of." He in-vented shakily. "There was nowhere not covered in energon. My hands were tingling from dissipating spark energy."

Sideswipe cautiously raised his arm and placed it around Ratchet's trembling shoulders. "Yeah, it was a bad one all right."

But Ratchet was shaking his head. "No. Well, yes, it was, but that's not it." He in-vented heavily again. "There were three of us there, three medics. So I didn't see every patient that was brought in. And sometimes I was running, keeping pressure on some mech's lines while he was being moved to the med bay for surgery. So I missed it. Somehow. I missed it." He pulled away slightly, pulled in on himself. "I failed."

"I'm fairly sure you didn't." Sideswipe felt like he had to object, even though he didn't know what it was Ratchet was supposed to have failed at. "I've never known anyone who tries as hard as you, Ratch. If everyone was like you, we'd have won this a long time ago."

Ratchet shook his head again. "No, I failed. I should have been there. And I – I should have – I –"

Sideswipe pulled him closer, putting both arms around the medic this time. Ratchet was a tense ball of shivers against him. "Shh, Ratch. Slow down, vent. Take your time."

"I. Yes." Ratchet rebooted his vocalizer. "The less critical mechs were stacked three high. And they were talking. And I just heard part of it, but they said – they said –"'

He burrowed in against Sideswipe's plating.

"Said what?" Sideswipe prodded carefully.

"That the twins had looked for me," Ratchet mumbled. "The twins had come to find me, one brother half carrying the other. The second brother was the worse off, with his spark casing exposed, his shoulder torn to shreds, leaking everywhere. And they'd kept asking for me, begging for me to help them." Finally Ratchet raised his head to look at Sideswipe again. His expression was pained, full of grief. "And I ran. I ran to the surgical suites, to the intensive care units, I ran everywhere, and finally I found them."

Sideswipe waited. He had no idea who Ratchet was talking about, but he was clearly upset. So waiting for him to continue seemed like the best bet.

"I found them in the morgue," Ratchet said dully. "Apparently, when one half of the shared spark guttered, the other followed."

Sideswipe winced. The scenario was familiar, something he and Sunstreaker faced every time they went to battle. At this point, it was such a constant that it was almost an old friend. But it had clearly upset Ratchet – Ratchet, who always feared that an injury he couldn't treat would take out not just one of them, but both.

He tightened his arms around the other mech. "Ratchet, I'm so sorry. Who were they?"

"Lustre and Sheen," Ratchet murmured. "A pair of twins I had the pleasure to meet in a bar once. Pretty shades of dusky green and silver grey, sweet voices, smooth plating. Ironhide's enjoyed their services often, and they adored him for it. They were young, and naïve, and innocent for all that they weren't." His voice became shaky. "Lustre dragged his brother to the Autobots, probably remembering my name and hoping I could help them. But I didn't even see them in triage, and even if I had, it would have made no difference. Sheen's spark casing was cracked all the way through. There was nothing we could have done."

Sideswipe had a feeling that he finally knew what had upset Ratchet so badly. It was textbook Ratchet, really. "Then you shouldn't feel guilty about not being able to help them. I hate that the civilians were caught in it, but them dying was the Decepticons' fault, not yours."

The medic shook his head. He almost looked ashamed. "You don't get it. I wish that was it. I wish I was grieving just for them, for them and the other civilians caught in a battle they couldn't fight. But it's not. I barely remembered their names – it even took me a moment to recognize them, realize that I did know them. No. When I found them, all I could feel was relief."

Sideswipe stared at him. The dots finally connected in his mind. "You thought they were us. Me and Sunstreaker."

"I was sure it was you," Ratchet admitted. "Twins who were looking for me? Torn half to shreds? Of course I thought it was you two. That's why I ran. I couldn't bear the thought of – and then, when I realized it wasn't you, I was so relieved. I was happy to see dead twins that weren't you." He lowered his head. "I'm a horrible person."

"You are no such thing," Sideswipe said firmly, pulling the medic close again. "Anyone would have reacted that way. I know that when Sunny's down and I can't find him, every dead frame that isn't him is a relief."

Ratchet looked up at him for a moment, then looked away. "You still don't understand."

"Then explain it to me," Sideswipe said softly.

Seeing Ratchet like this was rare. The medic was usually all bluster, hiding how much he cared behind hard wrenches and even harsher words. But Sideswipe had heard how he talked when he thought they were in forced recharge. He knew Ratchet much better than Ratchet thought he did. So when Ratchet – predictably – shook his head again and clammed up, Sideswipe just pulled him into his lap.

"Here's what I do understand." He raised his voice slightly to be heard over Ratchet's indignant, staticky squeal. "You care. You care a lot more than everyone thinks. And for some reason, you care about me and my brother. I know it tears at your spark to send us back out there time after time, to have us coming back into your medbay after every slagging battle. But you handle it, and you work through it and move on, because you have to. And now you came face to face with the very real possibility that we were both gone and there was nothing you could do about it."

All the tension seemed to leave Ratchet in one heavy ex-vent. He clung to Sideswipe's arm. "Yeah," he admitted. "And I'm still freaked out, not because two kids I kind of knew are dead and gone, but because I'm still terrified it could have been you. Someday, it will be you."

"Not today, though," Sideswipe countered. He couldn't very well argue the point, because Ratchet was right. They were warriors. One day, it most likely would be them. "Not today. We're both fine today."

"Today," Ratchet repeated dully.

Sideswipe frowned. Ratchet didn't seem to be calming down much – he was still trembling, still clinging.

Desperate measures were needed.

-Sunny.-

His brother sent a wordless affirmation back at him.

-You in recharge?-

-I was,- was the grumpy reply. –What's going on?-

-I need you to come to Ratchet's quarters,- Sideswipe replied. –We're going to stay here with him tonight.-

-We're going to what now? Sides, did you take a hit to the helm today and didn't tell me about it?-

-Shut up. He's terrified. He thought we died today. So we're going to stay here with him tonight so he knows we're alive.-

Over the bond, he could feel Sunstreaker deliberating. His brother wasn't prone to casual intimacy – he chose his partners, enjoyed the interfacing, and didn't let it get beyond that. But this wasn't romance. It wasn't even intimacy. It was just comfort.

And Sunstreaker liked Ratchet, just like Sideswipe did. The medic took care of them.

-Fine. I'm on my way.-

Sideswipe pinged his brother with the access code, and settled back on the couch with Ratchet in his arms.

It didn't take long. Ratchet had barely taken more than a handful of deep, shuddering in-vents before the door slid open to admit Sunstreaker.

And his bucket of polish supplies.

Sideswipe eyed him questioningly. -What's with the stuff?-

-You said he was freaking out,- Sunstreaker replied defensively. -Polishing's soothing.-

-You would think so,- Sideswipe countered, smiling up at his brother. –But sure, let's give it a try, if he wants.- He noticed the way Sunstreaker's optics landed on the trembling medic in his lap. Clearly, he was worried too. –It's a really nice thought, bro.-

Sunstreaker huffed. He pulled a pair of energon cubes from his subspace and placed them on the table in front of the small couch.

Sideswipe beamed up at his brother. Sunstreaker may be the most prickly mech in existence, but he had a big spark. He just didn't show it that often.

"Ratchet," Sideswipe crooned, trying to bring the medic back to the present again. "Hey. You need to refuel. And then we're going to get these scrapes off you."

Ratchet roused enough to look around blearily. He was still shivering. "We? Oh. Hi, Sunstreaker." He reached out towards the golden mech hesitantly.

"Yeah," Sunstreaker replied grudgingly. "I'm here too." He shifted forward minutely, allowing Ratchet's hand to land on his leg. Sideswipe suppressed a smile – the list of bots allowed to just touch Sunstreaker's polished plating was short, but Ratchet had treated them so many times that Sunstreaker trusted him implicitly by now. Even enough to come to Ratchet's help simply because Sideswipe asked for it.

He picked up one of the energon cubes and put it in Ratchet's hands. "Refuel, Ratchet. And then let us take care of you."

"You, too, Sides," Sunstreaker said pointedly. "I know you've been running around all day, looking for this one."

"You looked for me?" Ratchet asked quietly.

"Of course I did. Now refuel." Sideswipe pushed the cube towards Ratchet's mouth, watching as the medic drank it down.

And suffered his brother's stare as he emptied his own cube. Sunstreaker didn't let up until both cubes were empty.

-Tell me what's going on.-

Sideswipe nodded, relating the whole story. It didn't take too long. And to his surprise, Sunstreaker reacted by bending down and plucking Ratchet right up off Sideswipe's lap and carrying him over to the berth.

"No polishing tonight," he said gruffly. "That's for tomorrow. Sides, get your aft over here."

-Bro, what are you doing?-

-Remember Simfur? When we got separated?-

-And you couldn't find me after,- Sideswipe replied in growing understanding. –And when you finally did, I was in more pieces than actually make me up normally, and you kept tripping over parts of my legs while hunting for the rest of me. Yeah, I remember. Ratchet had to pretty much rebuild my entire frame.-

-And I wouldn't leave your side for a solid decaorn,- Sunstreaker said. –I was terrified that if I took my optics off you for just one moment, you'd be gone. The only way I could recharge was if I could feel your spark.-

Sideswipe could practically feel the metaphorical bulb going off inside his head. -And you think this is similar.-

-I know it's not the same,- his brother agreed, apparently picking up on Sideswipe's doubts. –He's not of our spark. But he cares. And he's scared. So in that way, yeah, it's the same. And I'll bet your polishing kit that he won't recharge without us.-

-You're probably right, bro.- Sideswipe ignored Ratchet's weak protests and lay down beside him, pulling him close again. "Easy, Ratchet. We're just staying here with you tonight. So you'll know we're okay."

"You don't have to," Ratchet tried, pushing and prying at Sideswipe's arms to get him to let go. "I'll be fine. I will."

Sideswipe just tightened his hold. "Yeah, you will. And we'll be here to make sure of it."

"Scratch my paint and I'll make you redo it," Sunstreaker grumbled, settling against Ratchet's other side.

"Don't listen to him." Sideswipe grinned at Ratchet's flummoxed expression. "He's just posturing. I'll fix his paint if needed."

"You don't have to do this," Ratchet repeated. Though the tension was gradually bleeding from his frame, so Sideswipe figured they were onto something.

"I know we don't, but it's the least we can do," he replied. "You've fixed us up often enough. Let us reciprocate for once."

Ratchet didn't seem to have any response to that. He looked from Sideswipe to Sunstreaker with wide optics.

It was such an uncommon expression for the medic that Sideswipe had to chuckle. "What? Is it so weird that we'd be nice to you?"

Ratchet smiled, and it was a relief to see him come back to himself a bit. "You have to admit, you're not exactly running true to form here."

"So we're making an exception for you," Sideswipe said lightly. "Face it, Ratch, you're one of our favorites. Favorites get special treatment."

"Will you two shut up and recharge?" Sunstreaker complained. "In case you forgot, it's been a really long day."

Ratchet looked at him for a moment, then smiled softly. "Of course, Sunstreaker." He seemed to hesitate for a moment, then rested one hand on Sideswipe's arm and the other on Sunstreaker's leg, thrown haphazardly across his own to intertwine with Sideswipe's. "Pleasant recharge."

"Pleasant recharge, Ratchet." Sideswipe rested his helm against the medic's. "We can talk more tomorrow."

-Sides.-

-Mrrmm. Sleeping here, bro.-

-Sideswipe. Look.-

Sideswipe forced his optics to online, blearily meeting his brother's stare. A very focused stare for what was really, really early in the morning. At least Ratchet was still out, recharging with the most peaceful expression Sideswipe had seen on his face in – well, ever.

He was also scrunched up against Sideswipe's chest, cheek resting against the plating over his spark.

-Um. Well, okay, that's… ridiculously cute, actually.-

Cue another of his brother's merciless glares. -He was mumbling in his recharge, too.-

-About me?-

-About us.-

Sunstreaker looked meaningfully down at Ratchet. Only now did Sideswipe notice that the medic had managed to snag his brother as well – Sunstreaker's right arm was trapped underneath Ratchet's solid frame, and Ratchet had somehow managed to pin Sunny's leg between his own and Sideswipe's.

Then Sunny's words registered. –Wait, about us? What did he say?-

-It wasn't coherent. But it went along the lines of 'oh no, not them' and 'please, not Sideswipe' and 'Sunny, no, please, no' and 'don't leave me'.-

Sideswipe… didn't quite know what to say to that. He'd been surprised at how much Ratchet cared the day before – the medic often threw epic tantrums after he'd fixed them, but he did that to other bots as well, so Sideswipe hadn't thought much about it.

There were the few times he'd half-woken in medbay in the middle of the night to find Ratchet talking to them. But for all he knew, Ratchet treated all his stasis-bound patients as sounding boards.

This, though? This suggested there was something more. And that was probably why Sunny had woken him up.

He looked up at his brother. –Do you need to get away?-

Cool blue optics met his own, then looked down at the still recharging medic. –No. He's not pressuring me, Sides.-

-Well, aside from the obvious,- Sideswipe joked, using his free hand to poke at where his brother's arm was trapped.

-Very funny.- Sunstreaker looked back at him again, his face serious. –Do you need to get away?-

Sideswipe took the question as what it was; an opening to let him pull back from this, to let him keep Ratchet at arm's length if that was what he wanted. He didn't have the same issues with relationships and romance that Sunny did, but there had been enough bad experiences that he was hesitant to let someone in again.

But, somehow, his usual doubts and fears didn't seem to apply to Ratchet.

-Nah, I'm good. It's as you said, he doesn't pressure. Thanks, though.-

They lay there in silence for a little while. Sideswipe watched his brother watching Ratchet, taking in all the little dents and imperfections in the medic's plating. His frown deepened until he looked personally offended.

Sideswipe cracked a grin. –You're going to make him take you up on that offer of polish, aren't you?-

-He needs it desperately. Look at him. I don't think he's done more than the necessary cleaning for the last vorn.- Sunstreaker looked almost desperate.

-Well, if we let him in, you'll get plenty of chances.-

-…yeah. If we let him in.-

They didn't get to agree on whether to actually let him in or not. Ratchet stirred between them, making tiny noises that were so adorable Sideswipe almost refused to believe they came out of a grown mech. Blue optics lit up slowly, arms and legs were pulled free and stretched, and then Ratchet finally seemed to realize where he was. And who was there with him.

"What are you two pains in my aft still doing here?" he asked gruffly, and Sideswipe crowed internally to see the medic more or less back to himself.

"You pinned us," Sunstreaker replied in the same grumpy tones.

Ratchet looked down at how they were tangled together. "Guess I did. So why didn't you just push me off?"

Sideswipe smiled his most charming smile. "Because you were so adorable, Ratchet. We couldn't bear to disturb you."

He was treated to the exquisite sight of Ratchet blushing. Of course, the medic tried to cover it up by being extra frowny and gruff as he pulled his legs free and got out of berth.

There was something about his entire demeanor that just tugged at Sideswipe.

-I want to let him in, bro.-

-Yeah. I can tell you do.-

Their optics met. Sunstreaker was apprehensive, Sideswipe could tell, but he suddenly realized he needed to give this – whatever it was – a try. And he needed Sunstreaker to try alongside him, wanting the same thing he did. –Please?-

Sunstreaker sighed. –Slowly, okay? I don't want to have to…-

-I know. I won't let it get to that,- Sideswipe promised. He looked up at Ratchet, who was busy running a clean cloth over his plating and downing a cube of energon he'd pulled from somewhere. -He's worth it, though. I can feel it.-

"I have a double shift coming up, so I have to leave," Ratchet said. "There's a lot of repair still to do after yesterday, and Bluestreak is coming in for his appointment later as well." He looked at Sunstreaker. "I'd say you should come, but why don't you take advantage of the fact that my quarters have attached wash racks? You already brought your stuff here."

-That's Ratchet-ese for 'thanks'.-

-I know, Sides.-

"You can just let yourselves out when you're done," Ratchet continued. "You managed to get in here, so getting out shouldn't be a problem." He dispersed the cube and turned towards the door. "I'm leaving."

"Okay," Sideswipe agreed. "Hey, want to refuel with us later? On your break?"

"I don't get a break," Ratchet argued. "I'm stuck in medbay all day. There's too much to do."

Sunstreaker smirked. "Well, what if we drag you out of there?"

Ratchet glared at him. "You can't just go dragging me out of medbay. I'm needed there for my full shift, I can't leave. I just can't."

-That's Ratchet-ese for 'I can't leave by myself, please make me'.-

-I know, Sides.-

"Well, what if we ask Prowl to give you enough time off to refuel?" Sideswipe pointed out. "Or talk to any of the other medics, see if they think it's recommendable for you to go through a whole double shift without a break?"

"You wouldn't dare." But Ratchet's look had softened somewhat, from irate to incredulous. "Why do you care, anyway?"

Sunstreaker shrugged. "We care because you do."

That called out the glare again. "I care about everyone under my care."

Sideswipe shot him a cheeky grin. "Yeah, but you care extra about us. We're special."

"Special banes of my existence," Ratchet grouched. But there was a faint blush across his cheeks.

-That's Ratchet-ese for-

-I know, Sides. Now mute it.-

Sunstreaker gave Ratchet his most neutral look. "We'll pick you up later. And we'll refuel together."

Ratchet frowned, but then he seemed to give up, throwing his hands up and huffing at them. "Fine. I'll see you later." He groaned and grumbled to himself as he walked out, sliding the door shut behind him.

Sideswipe grinned. "Looks like we've got a date later."

"Looks like." Sunstreaker stood, stretching, and went to get his polishing kit. "I'm going to hit the wash rack. You coming?"

"Nah." Sideswipe stretched, arms over his head, and burrowed into the soft surface of Ratchet's berth. "I'm going to stay here a little longer."

He dimmed his optics, listening as his brother turned the solvent on and waiting for the inevitable explosion when Sunstreaker realized that the cleansers Ratchet had were more industrial-grade paint strippers than anything else.

When the roar came, followed by the expected huff and grumble of an annoyed Sunstreaker hunting down his own polishing kit, Sideswipe turned over and slipped back into recharge.