Author's note: Car!
Ironies answer key: Phantom is indeed the reason that Danny is gone. Phantom has indeed been in the Fenton house since before Maddie knew he existed. Jazz tells Maddie that Danny is fine when he is definitely not. Danny was not safe in Maddie's arms just an hour before. Danny had been with Maddie before when she thought he was missing. Maddie herself was the most frightening possibility that almost befell him. Danny is indeed not happy about getting caught. Danny's only safe at home in his human form.
Game on!
(after being) Disparaged
In the morning light, in his mirror, his reflection looked afraid and anxious, but at least he didn't look so tired. He had actually managed to get a decent amount of sleep.
With a little help…
So many thoughts and worries had plagued him as he tried to fall asleep. Should he tell her? Keep it secret? What would she say? What would she do? Would she be angry? Apologetic? Would she accept him? Would she still want to tear into him? Or would she give up on that dream and just let him be?
He had really needed to sleep, but his mind refused to shut off, his headache refused to quit. An emergency? Definitely. If he was going to tell her the next day, he needed to be well-rested.
Just one dose, one tablet of hydrocodone was enough to knock him out and send him into a blissfully deep dreamless nightmareless panicless sleep.
He'd just never tell Sam that he had used it in that way. But really, it was an emergency, and after today, maybe he wouldn't even need it at all anymore. Maybe his mother would be able to help him out with his frequent pain and soreness.
Or perhaps she'd forbid him from fighting ghosts ever again?
He'd deal with the consequences later. He just knew he had to do this because he could not go on feeling so afraid of her.
As he looked in his mirror, he practiced his confession, tried out a number of different approaches, let the words roll off his tongue so that they would hopefully be effortless later.
"Hey, Mom, guess what? You know that ghost you've been trying to capture? Yeah, right, Danny Phantom. Have you noticed that he and I have the same first name?"
"Hey, Mom. Whatcha doin'? Ghost stuff? Dissecting this ghost right here? Well, that's funny because I actually am one myself. Just thought you should know."
"Hey, Mom. Let's play two truths and a lie. Ready? Okay. I really love astronomy. My bowling average is one-twenty. I'm Danny Phantom. Which statements are true? No, Mom, my bowling average is one-fifty. You know that."
"Hey, Mom. You know how you thought Phantom was behind my disappearance the other night? Well, you weren't actually wrong. No, it's not what you think. I mean…"
He stared at himself in the mirror, placed his forehead against its cool surface.
"I'm Danny Phantom," he whispered.
He felt almost stupid saying it, as if he was trying to delude himself.
Black hair still damp from showering, blue eyes under thick brows.
He looked so ordinary.
Would she even believe him?
The second thoughts were coming back, the same thoughts that invaded his head the previous night. She had hurt him so much, more than she could ever comprehend.
But also more than he ever wanted her to know.
He didn't want to hurt her with this admission, didn't want her to feel as bad as he did now. He was supposed to be a hero, was supposed to protect others, and if he extended such protection to the complete strangers of his town, then shouldn't he be trying even harder to protect those closest to him?
But how long did he really think he could keep this from her? She was so intelligent, so much smarter than him. Perhaps too blinded by her research to see what was so obvious, but it couldn't possibly continue like that forever. She would find out someday, definitely.
And the longer it took her to find out, the more painful it would be for her.
Yes, surely, it was better for her sake that he not wait any longer. He had to tell her. Today.
Downstairs, the rest of his family was sitting on the couch. Jazz was reading something. Jack and Maddie were watching the news.
"Danny!" Jack checked the time. "You're finally up."
Danny glanced at the clock as well. Almost eleven. "Sorry. I just slept really hard, I guess."
"No need to apologize. It's the weekend," said Maddie.
She smiled at him. Danny tried to smile back, but his mouth would not obey his mind. It was hard enough just to keep eye contact with her.
She stood but did not approach him. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," he said automatically. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I mean, are you up for…" Maddie paused, bit her lip. "I was thinking of driving out to the canyon today if you wanted to join me."
Danny didn't reply right away. "The canyon? That's an hour away."
"I know. It's such a nice day. I thought it'd be a nice thing to do today. We won't hike, just drive through it."
Danny looked away and blinked a couple times in thought. He knew exactly why she wanted to take this long drive, exactly what she was hoping to get out of it. An excuse to be alone for a few hours, hopefully uninhibited so that they could discuss his behavior the past couple days and nights.
But he couldn't help but think about just how large that canyon was, how poor the cell reception was, how isolated certain parts of it were, how no one would be around to help him if she—
He breathed, stopped, met his mother's gaze again.
His mother.
She was not going to hurt him. Once she knew, everything would be okay again.
Jazz was peeking at him from behind her book. He could see the solemnity in her eyes.
"Okay," he finally said.
Maddie smiled with what looked like relief and walked up to him, slowly placed an arm around his shoulder and began leading him to the front door. Danny let her.
At the front door, Maddie picked up a set of keys and held them out to him. "You should drive."
Danny stared at the keys. "Why me?"
"You haven't driven in a while. You do want to get your license, right? You have to practice if you want to pass the driving test."
The memory of his first time ever driving with his mother flashed through his mind. The anxiety, the uncertainty, the insults, the screaming.
"You don't have to drive through the canyon if you don't want to," said Maddie with a creased brow. "I was thinking we could get something to eat first. You could just drive to the Nasty Burger or something, and then I can take over."
He had been so tired of her yelling at him, for making him feel like even more of a failure than his teachers and classmates had ever made him feel. He slammed down on the accelerator, went over and far beyond the speed limit, ran a stop sign, didn't brake until—
Danny tried to swallow it back down. The mark she had left on his face at the end of that first driving lesson lasted only a day, but the shame he felt still hadn't subsided (because oh yes he deserved it because it was all his fault because he really was a jerk and an idiot and everything she said), and he was only reminded of it every time he took the wheel with her in the passenger seat.
"I can't," he finally stammered. "I mean, um…I'd rather not this time." His eyes lowered. "If that's okay."
Maddie slowly nodded. "Okay."
In the passenger seat of Maddie's car, Danny wasn't sure where to look. Out the side window? Out the front? Down? At her?
"Where do you wanna eat?" asked Maddie as she drove. "In the mood for anything specific?"
"I'm not hungry," said Danny evenly.
Maddie didn't speak for a moment, a silence laced with concern.
"Danny, I want you to eat. You haven't been eating much lately."
"That's not—I have—" Wait, wasn't he supposed to be telling her the truth? Why deny this?
But his mind was screaming at him to lie. It had been his habit for so long, a habit that didn't want to be broken.
She glanced at him kindly. "I just don't want you getting any thinner. You've always been the smallest in your class, you know."
Danny pursed his lips and looked down.
"Oh, no, sorry. I didn't mean it like that." Maddie sighed. "I was actually just thinking about how much you've grown this past year alone. You've certainly put on quite a bit of muscle. Have you been working out?"
She was trying to save the situation. Danny decided to let her save it as he nodded. "You could say that."
"What does that mean?"
He didn't reply. He wasn't ready just yet.
She ordered him something from the drive-through of a fast food restaurant, something that he would've devoured in minutes if he had his normal appetite and his normal mood and if he wasn't all alone with the woman who had tried to kill him.
But he could stop thinking of her that way if he could just find the courage to tell her.
They headed for the canyon in the most uncomfortable silence Danny had ever experienced. He had something he wanted to confess; she had questions she wanted to ask.
He couldn't break that silence. He tried, yelled at his mind and mouth to get the words out, but they were paralyzed.
"Danny."
She finally spoke, so tenderly and motherly. Danny didn't look at her, only pulled in shallow breaths.
"You know why we're on this drive, don't you?"
With her falling intonation, it didn't really sound like a question.
"I need you to talk to me, Danny." Her voice started quavering. "You agreed to come with me because you want to talk to me, right?"
Danny finally looked at her as she kept her eyes on the road.
"What's going on?" she asked. "Danny, what's been going on with you? Why have you been acting so…" She paused. "You've been so strange since we caught you."
"Caught me?" he rasped.
She had caught him, trapped him, pinned him, grabbed him.
"Yes. When we caught you sneaking out. What really happened that night, Danny?"
That night.
"Please tell me," she begged.
His words still refused to come out. He looked up and tried to blink away the tears that so desperately wanted to spill out. He hated letting anyone see him cry, least of all his mother.
"Do you want to tell me, Danny?"
"Yes," he whispered.
Silence.
"Take your time," she whispered back.
He leaned over and hung his head, that same horribly uncomfortable feeling of having to think to breathe, as if his brain simply didn't want him to live anymore and was determined to make it hard for him so that he'd just give up give up give up lie lie lie lie lie lie lielielielielielie
The car stopped, the engine shut off. Danny raised his head to see that they were now parked in a scenic area of the canyon.
He turned to Maddie. She unbuckled her seat belt, pressed the button on his and gently moved the belt so that it was behind him.
"There is something I want to talk to you about," she said quietly. "I don't know if it's related to what you want to tell me. Maybe it is. I'm actually hoping it is. But if not, then I definitely want to make sure we discuss it."
"What is it?" he choked out.
"You sure you want me to go first?"
He nodded, his throat still too closed off to adequately speak.
"I want to talk about your overuse of painkillers."
He didn't move. Didn't even blink.
"Danny, are you in pain a lot? Or do you think you are?"
This was not—no, he didn't want to talk about—why was she asking—
"Danny, can you please try to answer? Please just be honest with me. Please don't try to deny it."
Danny pulled in a deep breath. "I…" Another breath. "Yes. I mean, yes, um…I've been in pain a lot lately." He could make this work. He could lead into it this way.
"Do you know why that is? Have you been doing anything lately that would make you think that?"
The way she used "think," as if she was asking if it could be in his head. In his head, that persistent headache that went away with a hit of hydrocodone but was quickly returning in this moment.
No. He wasn't imagining his pain. He just had to tell her exactly what was causing it. "Well, remember when you asked if I've been working out?"
"Have you been working out because of Dash?"
Dash? Where did that come from?
"Danny, does he still bully you? Even after I called the school?"
Danny shook his head. "No!" he answered quickly. But what was he saying no to? Dash hadn't let up on him, but he had told her that he had just so she would stop worrying about him. "I mean, no, that's not what I—"
"He doesn't bother you anymore?"
"That's not where my pain is coming from if that's what you're asking."
"What kind of pain is it?"
Wouldn't she rather know why he was in pain? "Nothing really. Just headaches sometimes, muscle soreness…" Bruises. Lacerations. Punctures. Sprains. Fractures. Nothing really.
"From working out?"
"Yes. Well, but not what you think—"
"What do you usually take?"
"Ah, you mean like the names? Um, well, it depends on what I'm feeling."
"Just name everything you've taken in the past month."
Everything? "I don't really remember."
"Danny," she said sharply. "Tell me."
He leaned back, let out a shaky breath. "Just whatever's in our medicine cabinet."
"Tell me."
"Ibuprofen. Tylenol. Aspirin. Aleve. You know, just the basic stuff that's in our cabinet."
"You noticed I locked it, right?"
Danny said nothing.
"Do you know why we keep all that? And why we let you and Jazz get into it freely now that you're both older? For those times when you are in pain." She paused. "So if you really are using it for pain, then that's okay, but they aren't supposed to be used long-term. You know that, right?"
Danny nodded.
"But sometimes, when you start using painkillers very often, it's possible for you to get to a point where you feel as if you're always in pain unless you're on painkillers. But it's not always real. Sometimes, when you get that dependent on something, your mind tricks you into thinking you need it when you really don't."
Was she really trying to tell him he was just imagining this pain? It was all definitely real. This headache, this pain in his head—
—in his head, all of it?—
"This isn't—no—" he sputtered.
"I'm not saying you're at that point yet," said Maddie soothingly. "But I'm seeing the signs and symptoms, and I want to help you now before you get there."
"What, are you trying to say I'm—" He stopped himself. He couldn't even say it.
"You're just taking more than you should be."
"They're just over the counter painkillers!"
"That's not all you're taking, is it, Danny?"
Not a question. An accusation. He thought back to the hydrocodone he had used to help him sleep the night before.
"What are you talking about?" he asked, hoping to call her bluff. She couldn't possibly know. Not even Jazz knew. Sam and Tucker wouldn't tell her about him taking anything stronger—
—unless they thought he had a problem—
—Jazz had mentioned her concern about his frequent use of analgesics to him, so if she asked them about it—
No. They wouldn't betray him like that. Not the only two people he could sincerely trust.
"Remember when I told you I spoke to Sam's mother?" asked Maddie.
"Yes," said Danny hesitantly.
"She told me something, but I don't want you to get upset, okay? Just please be honest with me." Maddie put her hand over his. "She says that every time you come over, her supply of narcotics lowers."
Danny's jaw slacked. He looked up and out at the scenic sky.
"Danny, have you been taking narcotics, too?"
NO yes what how?
Yes, it was true, he had even taken one a little over twelve hours ago, but he had to. He had to tell her why, had to convince her he wasn't some drugged up addict.
"No, that's not—"
"Danny, it's okay. You're okay, okay? It's all okay. You'll be okay."
What was she even saying? Her words made no sense.
Why were they talking about this? He didn't have a problem, didn't have an addiction. He wanted to tell her why he was taking them in the first place and show her that it wasn't because he was some damaged mental case but because he was the town's regular punching bag and her prey—
After all he did for this town, for everyone and for her to treat him like a thing with no feelings—
And now to be accused of being an addict on top of it all! As if his pain didn't matter, just the means he was using to control it because everyone his sister his mom apparently just wanted him to be in pain all the time because apparently addiction was worse than pain because apparently it was okay if it was physical as long as his mind was healthy because ghost fighting was his own choice so apparently he deserved all of the pain that came with it.
"Danny."
Stop saying his name! She said it way too often.
"Danny, is that why you snuck out to see Sam? Does she know about this, too? Has she been getting them to you?"
Danny threw the door open and jumped out of the car, walked away—where?—wherever—couldn't stay still any longer had to move had to get away.
Alone.
He didn't have a problem. She just didn't know the whole story.
But Jazz knew, and she still seemed concerned about his use of painkillers.
What did Jazz understand? What could she possibly understand? She had never done any real ghost fighting, had never experienced real pain.
Real pain, yes, that's what this was—
is it?
He was already counting down the hours until it would be safe for him to take more no not MORE just something ELSE he wasn't that stupid.
He hadn't taken anything the night before last.
because the cabinet was locked
No, but he didn't take any narcotics either. See? He could stop himself.
you didn't last night
He needed to sleep! He hadn't slept in two nights.
it's not sleep medication moron
He had been in some pain, too.
what pain? you haven't been ghost fighting in two nights now
Pain from—
what? from when she hit you? injected you? that all stopped hurting yesterday
That pain would never go away. Not unless he told her.
you really think that would just solve ALL of your problems? you really think you don't need more help than that?
Still alone.
Danny glanced back at the car and saw that his mother was still there. He wasn't very far from the car, but he sensed that he had been outside for a while although he had no memory of just how long or what he had even been doing. Pacing? Had he gone far and just now returned?
Regardless, it seemed his mother had remained in the car the whole time he was out.
In something of a trance, he returned to the car, climbed into the passenger seat and leaned forward without looking at her.
Nothing was said for some time.
"Danny." Maddie finally spoke. "Have you been taking narcotics, too?"
Still not looking at her, he slowly nodded.
"And is that why you snuck out to see Sam? So that you could get more from her?"
An excuse. A way to explain his behavior without revealing his secret.
He raised his head as he considered this idea. That could explain everything. He could pretend to be an addict—
you sure you'd just be pretending?
—and then she'd never have to know his real secret.
It's what his lie-obsessed mind wanted him to do, what it was commanding him to do, the part of his brain that wanted to live and was afraid of what would happen if this manic scientist next to him knew who—no—what he really was.
lie lie lie lie lie lie lielielielieLIELIE
He nodded again.
And everything cleared. His thoughts became coherent all at once as he realized what he had just done, as he listened to her talk about what would be happening from there. Searching his room, turning over whatever narcotics he had, therapy—
"Therapy?" Danny echoed.
"Yes."
She was serious. She was going to handle this very, very seriously.
And it wasn't even the real problem.
you sure about that?
"I'll be calling Sam's parents, too—"
"No, please," said Danny. "Please don't get Sam in trouble for this."
"I have to let them know what's been going on," said Maddie. "I can't keep it from them that she's been stealing their narcotics for you."
They were driving again, heading back out of the canyon, curving and swerving along the winding roads.
He couldn't do this. He couldn't accept treatment for something that wasn't the real root of his issue, couldn't make his parents pay for therapy that wouldn't help him.
are you kidding? you're definitely a head case who needs a shrink
He couldn't let Sam get blamed like this and land her in even more trouble than before. He couldn't even ask that of her.
He had to tell the truth. Now.
He sucked in a breath. "Mom, um…there's something else. I don't really know how to say it, but, um…it's about Phantom."
"Phantom?" Maddie seemed instantly curious. "Actually, that's funny because I've been wanting to ask you about him."
"Oh?"
"Yes, but you first."
"No, go ahead. What do you want to ask?"
"Remember when you figured out how to turn on our ghost portal?"
Of course. He couldn't forget that, the day his life and chemical configuration completely changed.
"Did the ghost boy show you how? Phantom?"
Danny slowly shook his head. "No. Not at all."
"You sure?"
"Yes, because—"
"That lying bastard."
Danny stared at her. "What?"
Maddie rolled her eyes. "He just told me that he showed you how to turn it on. Well, I mean, he never actually said it. I kind of cut him off before he could finish, but that seemed to be where he was going with his story." She glanced at Danny. "Oh, that's right. I never told you. Wednesday night when we went out looking for you, I found Phantom." She hit her steering wheel. "And I almost caught him. I'm so mad at myself for letting him get away."
Danny swallowed, breathed, tried to resummon his courage. "Why are you so obsessed with catching him?" he managed to ask.
Maddie's eyes glimmered as she stared out ahead at the road. "How could I not be? After years of disappointments and jeers and failed attempts to find ghosts, he was the first ghost I ever saw, and with him came everything your dad and I had been trying for so long to prove." She smiled deviously. "He'd be the ultimate trophy. Ooh, I'd lord him over all who ever doubted me and told me I was crazy."
Danny could only stare at her eager expression.
"And what I could learn from him! He's so unusual, almost humanlike. I just have to figure him out, you know? I've got to see what he is exactly. He almost seems like a different species of ghost entirely. Our ghost equipment can't even detect his presence, can't seem to lock onto his ecto-signature. I mean, why is that? He must not be the same as other ghosts, right?"
Danny recalled how Tucker had helped him tamper with all of his parents' ghost equipment so that they would not respond to him, would not recognize him as a ghost.
"But…" He struggled to find the words. "But isn't he…still a person?"
Maddie furrowed her brow. "A person?"
"Yeah, like…he has feelings, right?"
"Feelings." Maddie echoed with falling intonation.
"Yes!" Danny cried, trying desperately to convince her, to make her understand. "Why do you want to hurt him so much?"
Maddie scrunched up her mouth. "It's not that I want to hurt him necessarily. But…" She chewed the inside of her cheek as she thought. "To answer your question, no, he's not a person." She paused, stared straight ahead, nodded to herself a couple times. "Just a really good imitation of one."
Stunned. Danny couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"Oh, he's very good at imitating a real person. He's got so many fooled, so many who idolize him, all of those silly girls who are in love with him." Maddie chortled. "And I can see how you'd be fooled, too, Danny. But I've been studying ghosts since before you were born. Trust me when I say that ghosts are not capable of real, human feelings. Any feelings they seem to have are artificial, meant to trick us and used to satisfy whatever their individual ghostly obsessions are."
That word. "Obsessions?"
"Oh, yes. All ghosts have them. And Phantom's seems to be gaining the favor of this town, to be regarded as a hero. See, he imitates human emotion in order to make the people of this town respect and adore him."
"No—but—how do you know he's not just really trying to protect the town because he cares about the people here? What makes you think he's doing it just to be a hero?"
"I know how ghosts work, how they think. There's no way he's doing it just for the sake of the town. He's serving himself in some way. Because that's just what ghosts do."
Danny couldn't look at her.
"When I catch him, I can show you what I mean if you want," said Maddie. "I'll show you how he's able to pretend so well, show you the difference between human pain receptors and spectral pain receptors, what real pain looks like on a real person and what artificial pain looks like on a ghost."
"Stop," Danny murmured.
"I have a long list of tests to run on him, tests I've designed just for him. I've been trying them on some other ghosts, but they never last long enough to get any meaningful results. But I'm sure he'd be able to endure them all and give me exactly what I want because he's definitely made of something different."
"Stop," he said again, a little louder, more forcefully.
"And if I could just see inside him, you know? I just want to—need to figure out exactly what kind of ectoplasm he's got running through him because it can't possibly be what's running through all of the other ghosts I've worked on. Get some samples, cut into him and see if he's as similar to humans on the inside as he is on the outside."
"Stop!" he shouted.
His fists were clenched as he drew in labored breaths.
Maddie stayed silent for a moment. "Sorry," she said. "It's just…he's been on my mind for so long now, ever since I first saw him. My first ghost." She sighed with longing. "And I just really, really want him."
Danny gazed at her with trembling lips, increasing pain in his head, building pressure in his eyes. He turned away.
"I can see that."
(Do you hate me yet?)
(If you're interested, I decided to work my very first Danny/Maddie fic "Driving" from over a decade ago into this particular world because that's fun, right? Well, except that I was really mean to Danny in that fic. XD It's not quite up to my standards anymore, but I think it's still okay if you want to check it out.)