"So, you and Hawke... I need some details. Did you go down on one knee? Did she jump you? Did you swear eternal vows of love, or is this just a physical thing?"

Varric was Hawke's bestfriend. Anders was Hawke's paramour. Starting with their mutual understanding of respect, the two actually got along far better than most believe. He saw it too. In Anders, and wished he did more.

Chapter 3

The first time we ever had one of our Wicked Grace games at the Hanged Man, there was very few of us. I sat at Varric's table with the dwarf at the head, shuffling his cards. He told a joke and I laughed, throwing back my first taste of the night.

It still tastes like dragon's piss. Not that I ever had the 'pleasure', but that is what the burning, sour taste puts me in mind of. Sitting next to me was Carver, wishing to partake in our night of drinking games.

Mother still saw my little brother as just a boy, and we all agreed the little blighter needed to man up some with some good hard ale, and the company of men. Men meaning a pathological liar, a rebel warden, a guardswoman and his big sis.

It wasn't planned for some. Anders was simply meant to come and help us map out the hotspots where darkspawns are more likely to be encountered. But one thing led to another. A good, hearty conversation between us before Aveline got here and we were calling ourselves a round.

Aveline didn't make too much of a fuss, but I noticed the frown she had when she realized the renegade mage was participating. She didn't appear to like him ever since the discovery that he was an abomination.

As for Varric he never really seemed to care about whether you were even a talking darkspawn. If you made interesting conversation and laughed at his jokes, you were considered a friend. Even if you don't laugh at his jokes (like Holland and Carver), you were still a friend. He was just like that.

Anders appeared unsure at first, but I could tell he really wanted to stay just a bit longer. I noticed he kept looking at me when he was making his decision and felt flattered. I tried not to seem too pleased.

As for Carver he insisted he drink and play. But I recalled the last time Carver got hammered at the Hanged Man. He got a lecture of a lifetime from mother...especially after he vomited all over Gamlen's pant leg.

Good times.

As we were playing the game, I noticed Varric staring Anders up and down quizzingly. He usually does this when he was trying to describe what he was seeing in his head. Anders noticed this and rose his eyebrow, "What?"

Varric shook his head as he drew a card, "Just wondering if the feathered pauldrons are an essential part of the moody rebel mage persona."

I laughed, discarding one of the hands, "It certainly adds to his sexy tortured look." I winked at him, and I noticed a bit of a smirk appear on his face. Aveline scoffed.

"Oh Maker's breath!" Carver exclaimed, slamming down a discarded hand.

Varric continued, self consciously adjusting the discarded pile. "I'm working on an epic poem about a hopelessly romantic apostate waging an epic struggle against forces he can't possibly defeat."

Anders narrowed his eyes, scratching at his ear, "What do you mean, "can't possibly defeat?"

Carver interjected with, "You know what he's talking about, mage."

Anders did not like that one bit, even Varric turned his head to send Carver a pensive look, "You know, Junior, it's eerie how much of a resemblance there is between you two."

Carver glanced over at me with a cocky scoff, "She's my sister. Of course there's a resemblance."

Varric laughed, feigning innocence, "Ooh, you thought I meant Hawke. I was talking about Gamlen."

Even Aveline laughed at that, "Maker, you are quite right, dwarf. The likeness is uncanny."

Carver appeared thoroughly offended by the jab, clutching his hand closer to him so he wouldn't have to look at us. As the game went on, I saw a side of Anders I never saw before. A more light-hearted, joking version of the man I met in the Darktown Clinic.

He managed to make me and Varric laugh on several occasions with his observations. "I've always wondered," Anders began, "why is every surface dwarf a merchant or a smith?"

Varric let out a 'ha' as he studied his cards, "You left out criminals and hired muscle."

"They don't count." Anders responded with a smug smirk.

"We dwarves are drawn to shiny objects. Sort of like Magpies, but with business sense." Was Varric's answer, which made me laugh more from the disgusting swill thinning my blood than what Varric had actually said.

"You're kidding." Anders remarked.

The dwarf took a long drink of his ale, keeping us in suspense before his surprisingly white teeth glistened as he cracked a drunken smile, "Of course I am. We come to the surface with the skills our ancestors had, Blondie. You think there's a tradition of dwarf woodcutters in Orzammar? Bee keepers? Sailors?"

Anders nodded, moving back to his cards, "Well, there could be mushroom growers and nug wranglers."

Varric shook his head, "Orzammar will never let those people go topside. Too vital. Also, embarrassing."

Towards the end of the game, the buzz was beginning to wear off, and the Angel of Death was not in sight. Carver was already folding, his head resting on the top of the table. Aveline yawned, becoming quiet from the exhaustion.

I felt my eyes drooping, forcing myself to stay awake. I heard Varric's voice, "So a human, an elf, and a dwarf walk into a bar…"

"The human says, 'You're lucky you're so short. That hurt like mad'"

I giggled at Varric's fallen smile, "Aw...Anders, you could have at least let him finish the punchline."

Anders laughed, his shoulders shaking as he did so, "Why waste a perfectly good set-up?"

"Hey," Varric's smile returned, much more wickedly this time. Oh no…"Blondie...you wanna hear another joke?" He slammed his cards down. The Angel of Death. "Also...royal flush."

"Dammit!" I cursed, slamming my cards and waking my brother. Aveline got up, finishing the last of her water.

"On that note, I shall head back. Take care of yourself Varric. Hawke." As Aveline left, I noticed she did not address Anders.

Anders also stood up, "I too should be getting back to Darktown, before the templars catch me."

I looked over to him in concern, "Did you want me to walk with you?" I asked.

He smiled, "As much as I would love to be protected by a beautiful warrior woman, I think you brother might be in need of far more help just to get on his feet. Good night...Hawke. Varric." As Anders swiftly left the bar, I sighed.

Left with the responsibility of my drunk younger brother. "Just let him crash here, Hawke. Don't go through all that. There could be crooks prowling around and you can't carry him and wield a two hander."

I nodded, but it still took a bit of time to get Carver to the loveseat at the corner of the room for such an occasion. "I'll head back as well then. Surely Holland is still awake waiting for us. I'll just explain that you are looking after our brother."

Varric was looking at me with a knowing smirk.

"What? What is it?" But I knew exactly what he was referring to.

"I saw the way you were eyeing Blondie. No surprise there. I even say he fancies you too. As many do."

I chuckled, crossing my arms, "He...reminds me of father. Particularly his sense of humor and wit. And...the mage thing. For your information, Varric I had only one lover in my entire life. Allison. We were childhood friends first. A shy and nervous girl but...only I seemed to ease her. However her parents did not...approve of our kindred romance. And she had to end things.

"I...that broke my heart. But...I refused to let her see that. I don't know. I don't like anyone seeing me upset. So...she began talking to one of the templars that came through from time to time in search of illegal mages. It made my entire family jittery it did. Especially when I went to war. I'll admit, I...dallied around a bit but just for a bit. In an attempt to forget her. I suppose I never really did, or else I wouldn't have brought her up."

Varric had a sort of understanding look on his face, as he nodded. I half expected him to make a joke or ask questions but he did neither of those things. Instead he drained the rest of his cup before saying, "Well that stinks. Sorry that happened to you."

I nodded, making my leave as I heard Carver stirring, readying to vomit. "Uh, Hawke…" Varric called out to me and I bolted. "Oh, really!?" Varric half-laughed.

DA2

"Boiling in oil." Anders continued as we commenced with our usual Tuesday Night Wicked Grace game at the Hanged Man.

"Too prosaic." Varric rejected the idea, "Trapped in a cave with hungry bears, right at the spring thaw."

I scoffed, "That lets him off too easy. How about dipped in molten gold and left as a statue in the Viscount's Keep."

"Ooh. That's poetic!" Varric complimented, just as Merrill finally arrived. We had already started the game and Varric quickly dealed her in.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, curiously.

"What to do to Bartrand when I find him." Varric remarked.

Fenris sneered, "You are thinking too hard on ways that take more time than it is even worth. Just cut him down, and then you will be done."

Anders narrowed his eyes, "Clearly you don't know how this game works."

As we played, Anders began to tell the horrible stories that have happened in his clinic. Runaway mages that were raped or attacked by templars. Left ill and weak, with no hope of ever making their escape.

It was of course, another one of Anders' 'Fight for the Mages' plights, but most of us took with good stride. (Except for Aveline and Fenris who soured at Anders's ranting as he always does...at every game).

"Blondie, I don't mean to sound critical, but have you considered a new line of work?" Varric asked genuinely.

"Such as?" Anders asked, waiting for an actual response.

Varric shrugged, "Pretty much anything? I don't think "renegade mage" has a bright future. Or any retirement plan."

Anders let out a low whistle, shuffling through his own hand, "I don't know Varric. At the rate of the Undercity suddenly becoming a hospitable place of residence...maybe that just means I need to make my very private practice more known to the public."

"...why do you say that?" Varric asked, slightly gritting his teeth.

I noticed Anders still grinning ear to ear. "I could start putting up signs, 'Come to Darktown, we have herbal remedies and other stuff!' It will have a picture of my face and everything."

"Blondie!" Varric stressed, "You got something to say?"

Anders smiled warmly at the dwarf, "Are you sure you want to encourage me? I might be about to confess my undying love."

Varric scoffed, "I get that a lot. So what's on your mind?"

"I just realized it's been a while since any of the gangs in the Undercity came to my door." Anders remarked, paying more attention to the stoic dwarf sitting next to him at the head.

"They're busy people. Places to go, throats to cut. Maybe you've slipped their minds." Varric said, reaching over to draw another card.

As the barmaid was refilling Isabela's cup, she laughed, "Oh please. The apostate running the free clinic in the sewers. Easy to forget. You definitely had something to do with this." She teased the dwarf, drinking a swig.

"You must have me confused with someone else! I'm just a businessman and a storyteller."

Varric won that game again, twice in one night.

"That dwarf," Anders began as I started walking him to Darktown, "he has luck wherever he goes doesn't he?"

I was hanging off his arm, not that there was anything going on between Anders and I...not yet anyway. "Varric cares a lot about you, you know." I told the renegade, "He doesn't have to say it, but he shows it."

"I wonder how he managed to get every criminal out of Darktown. He can't have done it all for my sake." He wondered as the familiar sounds of dripping water, and the smell of droppings informed us we were in the Under City.

"Varric is full of secrets of his own. He has his ways." I reminded Anders.

"...he's a good friend."

When we arrived at his clinic, I reluctantly pulled away, heading for my basement, "Hawke," I heard him call out to me. "Are you busy tomorrow?" He began.

I felt a little excited, "No. Not at all."

"...Could you...do me a favor?" He asked, "we will talk more about it tomorrow."

Oh...that sounded like a quest. I smiled anyway, bidding him a good night before climbing up the ladder.

DA2

I was not surprised when Varric had entered the Clinic the very next day after the Dissent. He appeared most concerned. There were luckily no desperate people begging for salves or rushing sick and weary elven children in.

It was completely silent. And Anders just sat over the table in distress as Varric attempted to talk some sense into the mage. "Oh, cheer up, Blondie. You're making me cry just looking at you."

Anders shook his head, shutting his eyes, "Don't."

I rested my hands on his back in an attempt to soothe him. Never my strong suit. I unfortunately never inherited the diplomatic and helpful nature of my mother like Holland and Bethany did. "It was a mistake Anders, but nothing happened. You are stressing yourself out over nothing."

Anders looked over at me, his eyes red and puffy, "I almost killed a girl." He cried.

Anders pulled away from me and took a seat on one of the benches, as Varric followed him, "You've killed two-hundred and fifty-four by my last count. Plus about five hundred men, a few dozen giant spiders, and at least two demons."

I sighed, crossing my arms, "Varric...I don't think that is quite the same."

"Why? Because this one you feel bad about? Maybe that's the problem." Varric remarked, "Look, I came because I care. But there is nothing that can be done. You didn't kill her, Hawke was there, and the girl is safe and sound with her family."

No response, now it was Varric turn to sigh, "Well, I did all I could. Now...I need to make a trip to the Chantry Sanitarium to check and see how Bartrand is doing."

"Of course. Tell him 'Hi' for me." I muttered.

Varric coughed a laugh, "I'm sure he'd love to hear from you, Hawke." He waved as he made his leave.

Anders watched him with teary eyes, and I took a seat next to the man in comfort.

DA2

Three years later…

After Captain Jeven was defeated once more, the guardsmen were celebrating at the Viscount's Keep in the Barracks. All of my companions (including Sebastian much to Varric's annoyance) were invited.

This caused for an impromptu game of Wicked Grace, with the remaining city guards including Brennan, Aveline, and Donnic. Everyone was having a grand time, laughing at nothing. I don't think I ever seen Fenris smile this much as he hung around my brother. Something he will no doubt vehemently deny he did by morning.

Varric was on a roll with his jokes, Brennan on the ground in tears. Anders continued to scowl at his cards, not even everyone in utter hooligans could bring a smile to my love's face. Varric noticed the moody mage's frown and began, "So, three templars walk into a tavern."

"Not right now, Varric." Anders grouched.

I placed a careful hand on his back, whispering for only him to hear, "Anders, is everything alright? You are usually always in the mood for templar jokes."

He didn't respond, just stared down at his cards.

Varric, never one to be brought down, moved his attention to Sebastian, "I've heard rumors about Starkhaven, you know." The exiled prince looked up, not touching the ale left before him, "They say you eat the dead up there. And murder strangers in the street."

Sebastian chuckled with a look of slight suspicion, "Why do I suspect that when you say you've "heard" rumors, you mean you've invented some?"

"Six of one, half-dozen of another." Varric slurred with a laugh, for a brief moment I noticed him glance over at my sulking lover worriedly, as I had moved my conversation to Merrill as she spoke excitedly about her discoveries. "So, the knight-commander... Boiling in oil? That one never gets old."

Anders continued to ignore Varric's attempts at humor. Aveline and Donnic got distracted from their game as they were dancing together as one of the guards began singing a love song. It was very endearing, and Merrill watched with loving eyes of adoration.

"I'm helping you indulge in elaborate revenge fantasies. I think it's good for you." I heard Varric try to pull Anders out of his funk.

Anders growled in a low voice, clutching his cards tightly, "Meredith will die. Do not doubt that."

Varric pouted, and whined, "Go away, Justice. Can Anders come out and play?"

Anders eyes glowed blue and I felt my heart skip a beat, "Stop-" Justice commanded.

I immediately pulled Anders into an embrace, not to draw attention to us, as Fenris immediately swiveled his head at us when his tattoos glowed for a brief moment. Holland as well stared at us questionably, and I felt the rush of danger coursing through me. We had to call it a night.

I whispered into Anders' ear, "Love, why don't we head home then. You seem tired."

Trying to remain discreet as we slipped out of the Viscount's Keep, I noticed Varric staggering along behind us, "You can stay with the others, Varric, we are quite alright."

Varric ignored me with a wince and opened the doors, and we were greeted by the cool night. On our not so long walk to my estate, the dwarf stumbled as he hiccuped, "You've been glowering for days. Your face is going to get stuck that way."

"My face is the least of my concerns right now." Anders muttered like a pouting child.

I shook my head as entered my Estate, being greeted by Bodahn as usual, "That's because you don't have to look at it." I remarked. "Truly, dear, I can't keep making love to a face like that. It is seriously a mood killer."

Varric chuckled, Anders did not as he took off his coat and headed for our bedroom. "I am going to bed." Was all he muttered as he groggily climbed the stairs.

Varric was scratching at the back of his head. Something he did when he was getting annoyed. He stared up at me with an audible sigh, as I awkwardly pulled the hem of my frilly skirt down. "I know what you are going to say, Varric. It is nothing you and everyone else hasn't already told me."

He was thinking, "I am just trying to wrap my head around what started this whirlwind romance three years ago. Did he go down on one knee and professed his undying love and claimed he wanted to be by your side until the day you died?"

I scoffed with a laugh, "That is a little cheesy, don't you think?"

He rolled his eyes, "This is Blondie we are talking about here, Hawke. He is known for the theatrical. Did you suddenly jump on him in a flurry of sudden passion. You just had to have him right then and there."

"More like he jumped me after a heated argument after the Dissent."

A strange expression crossed Varric's face, "So...no sweet exchanges of eternal vows of love."

"Well, of course there is that. But...that came...much later." I admitted.

"What about the sex, Hawke? Excuse my prodding but this is some serious shit we are dealing with here? I am playing the part of your therapist."

Oh...we're going there. "It was...sweet at first. Normal. Nothing...well, extraordinary in the sense of being in love. But...yes, it has been...much more difficult in the last year. He is always tired or angry, and...it almost feels like most nights he doesn't want to even touch me. Like he is disgusted by me. But then there are fewer nights where...it's Anders…"

"It's Anders." Varric repeated, "I wish I knew more about this magical shit. And what exactly Justice is. But...from what it sounds like to me is...Anders is lost. And Justice is his keeper."

DA2

"Hawke!" I heard Varric yell at me as Anders collapsed to the ground. My knife still in my hand.

Varric and Merrill rushed to Anders in a heartbeat, as Isabela stood a ways in a mixture of disbelief and horror. This meaning a lot from a worldly woman like Isabela.

Fenris waited impatiently, as Aveline and Sebastian were carefully neutral. Merrill rested Anders' head in her lap, and looked to Holland. "You can heal him, can't you!" She begged.

Varric was clutching the wound, as the life left Anders' eyes.

We didn't talk about it until we escaped Kirkwall. Praise the Maker for sending my usually irresponsible brother to our sudden rescue. Isabela had no ship, and we made a plan to steal one. But instead, one just arrived, with Carver Hawke still in his Grey Warden uniform beckoning us all aboard.

Varric was in the hold, where he checked in on me, "Why did you kill him?" He asked me point blank.

"I already talked to Aveline about this." I told the dwarf.

"Now you are talking to me, Hawke. You could have let him redeem himself."

"What life was there left for Anders to live. He was consumed. He wasn't there anymore. Justice...Vengeance took him away."

Varric sighed, and it was then I realized the tears. "I should have said something." He began, "I knew there was something wrong, I should have tried harder damn it."

"You don't think I tried, Varric! I tried so hard." I pressed.

Varric sat for a long while in silence. I sat beside him, and after a long while he rested his hand on my knee, reassuring me he wasn't angry with me.

"He got Bethany sent to the Circle." I confessed, "He told me. Or rather...Vengeance told me. He had someone tip Cullen about her, to try and get me to act for Mages Rights. He believed that...because Holland and Bethany avoided the Circle for so long we didn't see it being a real threat."

"Why Sunshine?" Varric questioned in disbelief.

"Because Holland would have fought back. Bethany would have been the quickest to get in, and it would rally me more to make a stand against the templars. For years he tried to convince me it was Aveline. Anders was not afraid to turn me against my own family and friends. He cared more for his plight than for us as people. Do you understand now, Varric? It would never end."

"...it must have been hard for you, Hawke." He admitted.

"...you have no idea, old friend." I whispered, for the first time shedding a tear.