Summary:
Triggers: Talk about commiting suicide, possible romanticization, Mental health issues. Communicating with your parnter.
Hurt/comfort If it needs more, please let me know so I can add them.
He'd recognized her voice, at first he hadn't known from where, thought perhaps it was from a dream, from before. It had taken awhile for Alec to realize that he didn't remember Jocelyn's voice from a dream, or a long forgotten memory.
He'd always considered the woman from that day unimportant, just as he'd considered the children the same. He'd been jealous of the children, Alec remembered, jealous and wanting, he'd kept that borrowed t-shirt, worn it until it was much too small, trying to remember the comfort and warmth the man who'd pulled him from the water gave him.
He hadn't come for Luke because of a debt, hadn't known then that Luke was the man who had pulled him from the water, had helped him, saved him. And since Alec hadn't known then he didn't consider it a clearance of the debt between them, so Alec tried to keep Clary safe, the girl like a daughter to Luke, tried to keep Simon safe, the boy a son, he'd failed in both and he'd failed in protecting Jocelyn, had killed her.
Alec remembered what he felt under the Demon's control, except that it hadn't just been the demon, Alec remembered being angry at Jocelyn, if she hadn't wanted him gone maybe..., maybe he could have stayed with Luke, learned some kind of normal life, learned to laugh and play and he'd have gotten warm hugs and safety and acceptance.
Instead she'd been angry about his presence, angry and Alec knew she'd been scared, but he had been too, he'd just jumped off a bridge, jumped with the intention to die, because back then Alec hadn't known how to swim, he'd have just sunk down into the dark, never to surface again and his parents would never have found him in his watery grave, no one would have.
No one would have even known a life would have been lost that night so long ago if not for Luke passing by, whether he'd heard the splash or seen Alec fall, Alec didn't know but Luke had jumped in after him, had pulled him out of the water, taken him home and shown Alec everything he'd never get.
When Alec had recognized Jocelyn as the woman who had sent him sneaking out of, her home he realized, he'd hated her, hated her so much and for a second he'd wanted her to know what it felt like to die.
It had been terrifying and startling to wake up from the Demon possession to find her blood on his hands and her body next to him and Clary's devistated face, and the guilt wasn't just for letting the Demon in, it was for all of the other things that he'd felt.
All of the things that Clary had started shouting at him at Max's Rune Party, everything that Alec already knew but he'd been able to talk himself down, talk himself out of doing something drastic as he had everytime he'd gotten low over the years, when he'd found himself wandering back to that quiet, lonely bridge where he'd jumped into cold, cold water and sunk down, down, down. There was something different about hearing someone else give voice to your every fear, your every secret.
And Alec found himself climbing up onto the ledge of the balcony, he'd stood there for a moment, turning to Clary as she approached him and gave voice to more poison, words that Alec most definately deserved.
As Alec began his fall backward he wondered if Luke would forgive him for giving up, if Magnus would move on, forget about him, nothing more than another first in a long life, a moment, over and forgotten eventually.
Then Alec was falling, falling, falling, and something warm and beautiful wrapped around him securely and sent him away in to the softest dream he'd ever had, a memory, brief though it was before warping and changing into a fantasy, one he'd visited often as a child.
A fantasy where the angry lady hadn't existed, where she'd welcomed him just like the man who'd rescued him. A dream where they'd had breakfast, the six of them, the man, the two women, the two children, and him, and Luke had asked him to stay and Alec had and they'd gone to a park and Alec had had two little siblings, not to replace the ones he had but added to them. There had been snippets of holidays, bright smiles and made up stories.
It was jarring to wake up in Magnus' bed, and Alec worried about what Magnus thought.
But for whatever reason it took awhile for Magnus to bring it up and Alec, Alec wasn't ready to tell Magnus, not here, not in the light of day, so he was almost glad of Clary and Jace's interruption, except... Alec knew Magnus deserved to know.
Alec walked into the Loft, he knew Magnus was home, that he wasn't expecting Alec but Alec needed to tell Magnus about the bridge, Magnus deserved the truth, and Alec... Alec had never told any one about it before.
"Alexander." Magnus smiled at him, "I wasn't expecting you."
"I know." Alec said, "I... I was hoping we could talk."
"Of course, always. Drink?" Magnus asked.
Alec shook his head, "You shouldn't... I mean..." Alec paused, "Can you not drink until after?"
"After what?" Magnus asked, suddenly concerned.
"After we talk." Alec said quietly.
"Alright." Magnus motioned Alec to sit on the couch, following after him, "What is it, Alexander, not Clary and Jace again is it?"
Alec shook his head, not looking at Magnus as he took a deep breath before turning to face Magnus.
"You... you asked me to come to you when things got that bad." Alec began.
Magnus' breath caught.
"I said I wouldn't, and that's true." Alec took another breath as Magnus caught his hands in his, "I did."
"What?" Magnus gasped.
"It... it was years ago. I don't... I don't know the exact date, it was after... after I got Jace and Izzy hurt while we were on a patrol... and... and... my parents... they didn't help much." Alec paused to squeeze Magnus' hands, "I ran, ended up on a bridge, over water, they never would have found me... I didn't want to be found."
"Alexander..." Magnus whispered.
"Let me... just... Let me get through this, please?" Alec begged, eyes pleading as he stared at Magnus' tear filled eyes.
Magnus nodded.
Alec took another steadying breath, "I... I climbed up on the railing and I... I sat there for a while, the water looked peaceful, like nothing ever desturbed it and I... I thought... I thought that that would be nice. I'd never get anyone hurt again, never have to hurt anyone. All I had to do was... was fall... was jump... then just let myself sink. Just sink and sink and everything would be over... would be done with, I'd never... I'd never have to worry about anything else again, it would just be quiet and peaceful, there under the water, all I had to do was sleep." Alec looked away from Magnus.
"Alexander." Magnus whispered, "What made you chose not to do it?"
Alec pulled his hands from Magnus', wrapped his arms around himself, tried to make himself smaller before he continued, "I jumped, Magnus."
Magnus' breath hitched and Alec knew if he looked over he'd see tears falling down Magnus' cheeks.
"I jumped and I hit the water and it was cold but... it was so welcoming, the silence, the cold, the stillness and pressure that surrounded me was... it was comforting, Magnus, and I let it take me down and away. I let go, Magnus, for a moment I felt safe." Alec whispered, letting Magnus pull him into his arms and hold him and tears fell into Alec's hair.
"There was a man, he pulled me out, took me home with him... he... he hugged me and... no one had ever held me like that or cared, he gave me cocoa, dry clothes and tucked me into blankets." Alec told Magnus, "No one had done that for me before, not that I remember anyway... or after."
"Alexander." Magnus whispered again, "I... what do you need?"
"This... this is good... the... the hugging." Alec said, "I'd been... I'd been doing okay... talking myself down when... when I have... when I end up back... back at the Bridge... but the spell... I don't... I..."
"It's okay." Magnus murmured, squeezing Alec a little.
"I... I woke up the morning after... the man was arguing with... at the time I thought she was his wife, but... he was arguing with Jocelyn." Alec said quietly, "She didn't want me there, I know why now but... but then... I didn't know and... I snuck away, I didn't want the man that saved me in trouble, not for me."
Magnus squeezed him again.
"I recognized her voice... it's... it's haunted my nightmares sometimes... when... especially the nights I ended up at the bridge." Alec kept going, "But I didn't... I didn't recognize the man until I heard her voice, he'd changed and I... parts of me wanted to forget... wanted to move on... to... to let go."
Alec could feel the hitches in Magnus' chest as he tried to keep his sobs quiet.
"The man that saved you..." Magnus began, "It was Luke?"
Alec nodded into Magnus' chest, "Yeah... I don't I don't think he recognized me as the boy... he... he thinks that... that the boy he rescued fell..."
"Alexander..." Magnus paused, "Thank you for telling me, for trusting me."
"I... I've... I've never told anyone, not... not even Jace or Izzy." Alec whispered, "I... I don't... don't tell Luke."
"it's not my story to tell, Alexander, but you don't have to do this alone, you can ask for help." Magnus told him.
"I... I'll try..." Alec promised, "I've just... just been doing this on my own for so long... I may need help asking for help."
"Okay." Magnus aknowledged, "Come on."
Magnus pulled Alec up off of the couch.
"Magnus?" Alec asked.
"We're going to bed, I think... I think you deserved some cuddling and comfort, Alexander, you've taken a big step, telling me this, and I... I want to take care of you, please?" Magnus asked softly.
"That... that sounds nice." Alec said softly letting Magnus lead him to bed.
There was more to say, more to work through but Alec wasn't alone in it anymore, he had someone to turn to, someone who wouldn't pity or judge him, someone who... who simply loved him.