Season 1, Episode 6:
Cake
I
Before she even opened her eyes, Chell knew that she was not in the motel. The bed was just as uncomfortable, but it was significantly smaller.
She opened her eyes and sat up, finding, as she expected, a glass cell and white metal walls.
She looked down; she had gone to sleep nude, and had awoken dressed in orange track pants and a white tank top.
She thought that she would be scared. She was more pissed than anything.
"Welcome back to the Aperture Science Enrichment Centre," GLaDOS, Caroline, or whoever that cold, robotic bitch really was droned. Her dry voice filled the room and echoed in Chell's ears.
"I know I said you could go, but shortly after you left, Aperture came under new ownership, and they insisted on having you back,"
Chell found a camera at a corner in the ceiling and showed it her middle finger.
"It's for the best. You weren't much happier working the kitchens at that motel. Two weeks of hitchhiking and homeless shelters and that was the best you could do? At least here you can make a meaningful contribution to science,"
Chell opened her mouth to curse GLaDOS, but nothing came out. She felt the back of her neck; that damn chip was stuck there again, and just like before, it wasn't coming off. Once again, she wouldn't be talking.
"That's not all; the new owner has made changes to Aperture protocol. You have been assigned two partners with whom you will work to complete the following tests,"
Chell stood up from the bed and looked left. In another cell she found a young man of about eighteen. He had brown hair, and wore jeans and a blue jacket under a red vest.
He stumbled out of his undersized bed and darted between each of the glass walls, banging on them in the hopes of persuading anyone who was listening to free him.
"Relax, test subject 1499. You were administered with a knockout agent. You have been asleep for twelve hours. But you're safe and sound now here at Aperture,"
The kid shouted at the ceiling, then felt his throat when nothing came out. He tried again.
Chell read his lips; he seemed to be saying dock.
She turned around; in the next cell she found an older man. Nothing but the sides and back of his thin gray hair remained. He wore a crimson uniform that appeared to be one piece; a crimson top half and a black lower half, divided by an inverted triangular shape. He had a golden badge shaped like an arrowhead. He seemed in good physical condition for his age.
He sat up on his bed and observed the room around him, studying it, pondering it.
"The Enrichment Centre has allowed you some time to become acquainted before testing begins,"
A doorway slid open in each cell.
Chell was first out, and after some hesitation, the kid and the officer joined her. She held a hand out to each of them, and after another moment's hesitation, they shook.
Chell pointed to herself and mouthed her name. Her new partners looked confused, but once she repeated herself, they nodded.
The officer introduced himself in the same manner.
Bicker? Picker? Picard.
Chell mouthed his name, and he smiled despite not knowing for sure if she had pronounced it correctly.
Though he had the glare of a battle-hardened soldier, he had a genuinely grandfatherly smile.
Chell turned to the kid.
Barty? Marty.
He managed a smile, but it seemed to be muffling a scream.
Marty gestured to his throat and squinted inquisitively.
Chell pointed at the back of her neck with her right hand, and covered her mouth with her left.
Marty and Picard felt their own necks, then nodded when they found their muting chips.
"Please enter the first testing chamber and testing shall commence,"
A circular door in front of them whirred open.
Neither Picard or Marty seemed confident about the idea of entering. Picard seemed somewhat calm, like there was a trap in front of him which he knew would not harm him if he stayed away. Marty looked like he was ready to wrestle away anything that emerged from the next room.
Chell took each of them by the hand, and made a stern but concerned look which she hoped told her new partners that she would keep them safe.
Marty and Picard looked at her, and their faces softened.
Chell felt them squeeze her hands, as if signing a contract stating that all three of them would protect one another.
They entered the first test chamber together.
II
There were three gigantic red floor buttons, a sealed door, and, not to Chell's surprise, a pedestal displaying a white pair of sleek white metallic boots, along with a similarly pristine firearm.
What did surprise Chell was that there was only one pair of boots and one gun.
"Due to budgetary concerns, the Enrichment Center is only able to provide one pair of longfall boots and one handheld portal device," GLaDOS droned. She spoke again seconds later with a sour tone of disgust.
"You know how to use them. Get them on so we can proceed,"
Chell turned to Picard and mouthed the word budget with a roll of her eyes, then approached the equipment.
The longfall boots always mystified Chell; though they looked uncomfortable, especially since they had absurdly high heels made out of seemingly wobbly tubes, they actually felt like warm silk stockings.
Chell didn't know if this was because they were fitted with stabilizers that canceled out any discomfort, or because they injected her legs with nerve-weakening chemicals. Considering GLaDOS' penchant for threatening her with neurotoxin, Chell leaned towards the latter.
But numbed legs were always better than broken ones.
She slid the portal gun onto her right arm, gripping the handle within. Her fingers rested on two buttons; index for blue portals, middle for orange, and fourth finger to reset them.
Chell turned to Marty and Picard. Marty scratched his hair and pointed inquisitively at the gun.
Chell grinned; as much as she despised GLaDOS and Aperture and the endless goddamn 'tests', there was one thing that gave her some enjoyment.
She fired at the floor, and a glowing blue oval spread over it. She fired again a few feet away from her, and an orange oval appeared. The two shapes melted away, forming holes through which the sleek grey ceiling could be seen.
Chell stood with her back to the blue portal and leaped in. She re-entered the world upside-down.
In the two seconds she spent airborne, she fired at the wall. The blue portal closed, and then reopened on the wall.
Chell flipped, falling into the orange portal feet first, and then was flying horizontally across the room. She felt the longfall boots gently pulling her feet to the floor, ensuring a graceful landing right beside Picard and Marty.
They applauded, and Chell bowed.
"The Enrichment Center is not a circus," GLaDOS growled. "Please continue your unwarranted showboating if you would like a lethal dose of neurotoxin,"
The applause stopped.
The three test subjects found a camera above the door at the other side of the room.
Picard glared at it.
Marty gave it an anxious look.
Chell rolled her eyes at it, then motioned for her partners to follow her.
She stood on one of the huge red buttons, with Picard and Marty each standing on one of the other two.
There were a few seconds of silence, followed by a mellow and unsatisfying click, and then the door slid open.
"Congratulations on completing the first test chamber," GLaDOS droned. "Sadly, due to your horseplay, you were unable to beat the record completion time. Please proceed to the lift and we may hopefully carry on with a little more urgency,"
Chell led the way to the elevator followed by two befuddled partners.
Once they were ascending, Marty leaned lazily against the wall and let out an inaudible sigh.
Chell looked at him and followed suit.
They both looked at Picard. His arms were by his side, and his soldier's glare was locked on the sealed door.
He did not lean, and he did not sigh.
III
The doors opened, and once again, Chell led the way.
She had barely been given the chance to observe the next test chamber when the floor beneath her suddenly carried her to the ceiling.
It stopped abruptly; she almost stumbled, but her boots clung to their foundation upon the risen panel.
She looked behind her; Marty and Picard weren't there. They were still on the ground.
She looked down; there was a vast maze beneath her, far enough down that she could trace a path through it from her vantage point. On the other side there was a button. Along the way, there were dead ends, sentry turrets, flamethrowers, electrified floors, and holes that might as well be bottomless.
"I decided it was time for a new challenge for you," GLaDOS snarled.
Chell felt like some disgusting tongue was tracing the back of her neck; she knew GLaDOS was speaking solely to her.
"You have always had a guide. Myself. Wheatley. We are on your third time around; you must be experienced enough to guide others by now. Test subjects 1499 and 1500 will each be put on their own path through the maze, and you must do what you can to ensure that they survive until the end. How will you do that? The answer is already in your hands, you deranged simpleton,"
Part of Chell appreciated the challenge of something slightly less condescending than a physics puzzle. Another part of her wished that GLaDOS was human so that she could strangle her.
"Begin when you're ready. 3. 2. 1…"
Chell looked down; Marty and Picard were each being carried to opposite sides of the maze on their own mobile platforms.
Chell looked at them down the barrel of her portal gun as if it were a sniper rifle. Her eyes darted between both of her partners.
Picard was off to a calm start. His arms were still by his sides, and he strolled while observing every square inch in front of him before each step. He seemed fine for now.
Marty, however, was jogging, zig-zagging around corners as if he were being chased. Soon, he turned into a corridor with walls Chell had seen spitting fire just a few moments before.
She saw the walls begin to glow a pungent blue.
Chell's body felt like ice as she reacted, firing a portal at the corner ahead of Marty, and then another at the floor just beneath him.
The corridor was flooded with flame.
Marty tumbled into the next corridor.
He was on his behind. Even from high above, Chell could see him panting. Color was almost completely gone from his face.
A few moments later, Marty looked up and gave Chell a thumbs-up. She returned it, and he stood up and carried on slower than before.
Chell returned her attention to Picard, who she found pressed against a corner, around which was a sentry turret.
"Where did you go?" the turret asked in its meek beep of a voice, its single red eye scouring the corridor for Picard.
Picard waved up at Chell.
She nodded and opened portals beside him and right behind the turret.
Picard crept through it, strolling past the turret as its red eye faded to black.
"Goodbye…"
Chell exhaled; so far so good, but that always meant that GLaDOS was about to throw some kind of infuriating curveball her way.
Marty turned a corner leading to both a dead end and a bottomless pit. Chell had a portal to a different path ready for him.
Picard found himself facing an electrified floor. Chell opened a portal on either side of it.
"Due to the time you wasted during the previous test chamber," GLaDOS droned. "You have been penalized time from this one in order to preserve the Enrichment Center's resources,"
Chell's gut burned with the sickening concoction of fear and fury which GLaDOS continually insisted on feeding her.
The first sixth of the maze surged with electricity.
Then the second sixth.
Then half.
Marty and Picard were barely five-sixths of the way through.
Chell's body rushed with panicked cold.
Her first split-second thought was to portal Picard and Marty up to her vantage point, but the platform she stood on was barely wide enough to hold her; opening a portal on it would be the same as destroying it.
She didn't have time to trace a path to the end; she had to find the end now.
She scanned every corner and corridor, finding a turret, a pit, a flamethrower, a wedge of cheese…
That was it.
Chell fired a portal at the wall beside the cheese.
She opened another underneath Picard, who fell through and landed on his back.
The latter part of the maze, save for the area surrounding the cheese, began to glow blue.
Chell opened a portal underneath Marty.
Everything around the cheese erupted with electricity.
Marty landed over Picard's torso.
Chell gasped with relief, lowering her gun as she became aware of the sweat coating her face.
She had barely been given a decent moment to catch her breath before she was suddenly falling. She choked on her heart for the split second she believed she was plummeting to the electrified floor far below. Then she landed with minimal distress on top of Marty and Picard's pile.
Chell got to her feet straight away to help her partners up. Marty's palms were just as sweaty as her own, but Picard's were completely dry, if not surprisingly firm.
Chell and Marty mouthed a toothy sorry once Picard was upright again.
He responded them with his grandfatherly smile and a reassuring hand on each of their shoulders.
Marty knelt down to pick up the cheese; it was so moulded that it was more like an orange brick.
"Well done. Please proceed to the lift so the next test may begin,"
The wall beside them slid open, revealing another elevator.
Chell turned to her partners and offered a thumbs-up.
Marty shut his eyes, ran a hand through his brown hair, then brought it back down to return the thumbs-up.
Picard nodded.
They looked up at the wall above the maze, spotting another camera glaring down at them like GLaDOS' omniscient eye.
Marty looked down at the cheese brick in his hand, and a sly grin spread across his face.
He tossed the brick in his hand, then brought it back behind his ear, aiming his other palm at the camera. He launched the brick with a sharp curve of his arm, and it soared and struck the dead center of the camera's lens. It shattered as the cheese thudded against the floor.
"To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities," GLaDOS droned, her bland voice seemingly restraining a seething scold.
"Do not destroy vital testing apparatus,"
Marty showed the shattered camera his middle finger.
A chink of glass dropped from the lens, as if it were twitching with burning irritation.
Chell gave Marty a congratulatory pat on the back.
He smiled at her and mouthed something.
Seven-Eleven.
IV
The next chamber appeared simpler than the last.
A small room led into a narrow corridor with stark white walls, where a path of red buttons, aligned in rows of six, paved the long way to another sentry turret. Though its glowing eye glared into the souls of the three test subjects, it did not open fire.
Chell looked between Picard and Marty. They all knew that this would be harder than it looked.
To the right they discovered a panel and a pile that had fallen from the ceiling. Chell picked up the pipe and pressed her back against the wall before the corridor, assuming a position like a punter, with the pipe acting as the oar and the button-stepping-stones as the sea.
Marty and Picard joined her.
Chell depressed the nearest button. She felt and heard a bullet ricocheting off of the pipe.
Second nearest.
"Err…" the turret sang in its childish voice.
One row down.
Chell shifted the pipe to the next row. This time it was the first button.
"Thane…"
She turned to her partners; Marty stared wide-eyed into space, as if he had just realized that he had left the stove on at home.
He motioned to receive the pipe, and Chell complied, switching places with him.
Marty hit the first two buttons and then found the third immediately.
"Err. Thane. Gel…"
His eyes were wide again. Color faded from his face.
He hit the buttons again, quicker this time.
"Earth angel…"
He dropped the pipe, then turned to his partners and mimed the action of strumming a guitar.
Musical notes.
Chell was perplexed; since when did GLaDOS care about testing musical literacy?
Marty stepped out to face the turret. He exhaled, then turned to Chell and Picard. He tapped his head and mouthed, I know this song. He mimed the guitar again. I've played this song. He motioned for them to follow him.
Chell turned to Picard, holding her hands out to offer him to follow behind Marty. He did likewise. They each gestured more urgently. Chell rolled her eyes and stood behind Marty, with Picard bringing up the rear.
Marty lifted three fingers.
Two.
One.
"Earth angel. Earth angel…"
Marty moved forward with confidence. Chell mimicked his footsteps and Picard mimicked hers.
"Will you be mine?"
Each button was barely wide enough for a single boot. Despite the longfall boots, Chell felt anxious about losing her balance or misstepping. So much as a toe on the wrong note, and Marty would bear the brunt of the turret's barrage.
"My darling dear, love you all the time…"
That was what angered Chell the most; it didn't matter if Marty could play the song perfectly if she or Picard couldn't follow his lead just as flawlessly.
"I'm just a fool.
A fool in love with you-ooo-oooooo,"
The white walls beside them flashed.
"Earth angel. Earth angel…"
They weren't walls; they were screens.
"The one I adore…"
They filled with a deep and soothing shade of blue.
"Love you forever. And evermore…"
Multicolored schools of fish passed them by. Pink jellyfish, orange octopi, and a few chipper dolphins.
"I'm just a fool…"
The dolphins stopped on their travels to smile at the test subjects. The smiles frozen upon their maws were pleasant; the most comforting sight Chell had seen since the vast field of wheat upon leaving Aperture after her last gruelling run of tests.
"A fool in love…"
Their black eyes were empty. They stared at Chell with all the lifeless contempt of the security cameras and the red eye of the singing sentry turret.
"With you-ooo-oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
Marty had stopped. They were only halfway done.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
Chell couldn't see his face, but she could hear his breathing. It was erratic, like he was trying to keep himself from screaming, as if he would be able to scream at all.
"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"
She reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder. She looked at the walls; the dolphins' smiles were becoming sarcastic, strained, impatient. Chell thought she saw one of their eyes twitch.
The turret suddenly stopped holding its note, which was replaced by an entirely different sound.
"Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk!"
Marty's breathing steadied. He looked up again, and kept going.
"I fell for you,
And I knew,
The vision of your love, loveliness,
I hope and I pray,
That someday,
I'll be the vision of your hap-happiness.
Oh-oh, oh-oh…"
The dolphins followed them like wolves cornering their prey, smiling all the while.
"Earth angel, earth angel,
Please be mine…"
They were almost there now. They could see the elevator door behind the turret.
"My darling dear,
Love you for all time…"
It wasn't impossible for Marty to leap the rest of the distance, but he kept going.
"I'm just a fool,
A fool in love,
With you-ooo-ooooooooooooooo…"
The turret's red eye shut off, becoming as black and dead as the eyes of the dolphins.
The white walls replaced the underwater scenery, returning the test chamber to its typical white design.
Chell and Picard walked around the turret, but Marty stayed put.
Chell saw his face now. The turret came up to Marty's chest. He looked down at it with a pale-faced looked of disgust, as if the turret had just killed his family and was now begging and weeping on its knees for forgiveness.
But the turret just stood there, a deactivated husk.
And still Marty looked like he wanted to rip it to pieces.
Chell approached him and offered her hand.
Marty's head darted up as if he had just awoken from a nightmare. He swallowed and then took Chell's hand, following her to the elevator.
Picard placed a tender hand on Marty's shoulder, and the three entered the elevator.
"Congratulations," GLaDOS droned. "As a show of appreciation for your hard work so far, please enjoy some uplifting music,"
Go, Johnny! Go! Go!
Chell looked at Marty, her mind racing with both contempt for GLaDOS and curiosity and what the turret's song meant to Marty.
Go, Johnny! Go! Go!
She found his head straight ahead the door, glaring at it, hoping, as Chell had done too many times before, that GLaDOS was on the other side so he could dismantle every last bit of her.
Go, Johnny! Go! Go!
In that look, Chell realized; this hadn't been a test.
Go, Johnny! Go! Go!
This had been a taunt.
Johnny B. Goode!
V
There was nothing in the next test chamber.
No turrets. No mazes. No dolphins. No cheese.
Just an empty room with an elevator door at the end.
The three test subjects ventured cautiously into the room, awaiting GLaDOS' dry instructions or some kind of trap, but nothing happened.
Then the elevator door whirred open, and a figure stepped out.
He looked human at first glance, but once Chell got a good look at him, she found that his skin was silver. It wasn't quite metal, but it wasn't quite flesh, either. He held some kind of metallic device like a remote. He was dressed in the same kind of uniform as Picard, only his was yellow.
"Captain," he called, not smiling, his his face flexing in a strangely inviting manner. His voice couldn't quite capture the complete emotion of a human's, but compared to GLaDOS and her turrets, he was a Shakespearean performer.
"It is such a relief to find you unharmed. We managed to follow a trail of transmat energy here,"
Chell turned to Picard, whose soldier's glare had emerged once again. This time, however, it wasn't just anger. It was fear. Heart-stopping fear.
"Greetings," the silver man addressed Chell and Marty. "I am Lieutenant Commander Data. I am an android serving under Captain Picard aboard the USS Enterprise. I have been sent by Commander Riker to rescue Captain Picard, but Federation directive puts the two of you under our protection as well. I will contact the Commander now, and we may beam aboard-"
A glass pipe suddenly fell from the ceiling, trapping Data. He glanced up, as if a bird had flown overhead.
Chell rushed forward with Marty alongside her. Another pipe careened down for them. By the time Chell realized it, it was already down to their necks.
She reacted with maximum haste and minimum thought, bowling her portal gun to Picard.
The captain knelt down and caught it, holding it in both arms like a newborn.
"Something is blocking the transmission signal to the Enterprise…" Data pressed the buttons on his device, calm, but with an intense look on his silver face.
"I am unable to communicate with the bridge,"
A massive metal cylinder like a robotic fist slid down the pipe, halting just above Data, and then lowering onto him with agonizing slowness.
Chell and Marty found themselves in a thin green cloud, and suffocated by a repugnant smell which was all too familiar to Chell.
Neurotoxin.
Two squares on the floor in front of Picard slid open. A pillar rose out of each of them until they reached his elbows. They were both topped with a palm-sized blue button.
"The Enrichment Center wishes to remind you that this test has no wrong answer," GLaDOS droned. "This is merely a survey test to study reactions. The button to your right will liberate your real, living, human testing partners who you have known for barely two hours. The button to your left will liberate the cold, lifeless computer which you call one of your most trusted crew members and best friends. You may select only one,"
Picard put the gun down and immediately reached for both buttons.
"Pressing both buttons simultaneously will cause the program to short-circuit, resulting in both groups of participants being eliminated,"
Picard kept his hands were they were, clenching them into fists.
"One or the other. The Enrichment Center wishes to remind you again that there is no wrong answer,"
Chell looked at Data through the mist; he was sitting down, with the metal fist about three feet above his head. He wasn't panicking, but in his stolid silver face and his blank yellow eyes, she saw a weeping scream being smothered by programming.
She turned to Marty, who had pulled his shirt over his nose. Chell knew that she could hold her breath for several minutes. She didn't know about Marty.
Chell peered through the noxious cloud again to find Picard.
He was examining the portal gun, giving it his soldier's glare. He peered into the gauntlet before sliding his hand into it.
He fired at the wall to his right; a blue portal. Then to his right; an orange portal. He glanced down at the device, and a moment later, both portals snapped shut. He had found the reset button.
"What are you doing, test subject 1500?" GLaDOS inquired.
Picard looked at Chell, his soldier's glare softening. At first, Chell thought he was saying, I'm scared. She looked closer; he was saying, I'm sorry.
"You are running out of time, test subject 1500,"
Picard re-opened the portals, then approached the blue one, which neighboured Chell and Marty's clouded pipe. He stepped through it, and stopped.
"This has nothing to do with the test, test subject 1500,"
Chell looked at the left side of Picard, while his right side stood at the other side of the room, across from Data.
"What are you doing, test subject 1500?!" GLaDOS' dry voice grew louder, nearly deafening her test subjects.
The captain held the portal gun out with his left arm.
Chell banged her fist on the glass, straining to keep her airways closed.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, TEST SUBJECT 1500?!"
She felt a tear crawl down her cheek.
Not again.
Picard nodded at her, his apologetic eyes threatening to shed tears as well. Then his soldier's glare returned, and turned to find a security camera on the wall. He gave it every fragment of defiance he had to give it.
He did not blink.
The green cloud ascended up the pipe with a short breezing sound, and then the pipe shot up after it.
Chell and Marty fell to their knees, gasping for air.
Chell always forgot how satisfying breathing could be until she was forced to live without it.
Data's tube ascended as well, but its captive remained sitting. His yellow eyes were now black. He did not move.
Chell looked up; Picard was offering his hand. She accepted his help up, and then pulled him into the tightest hug she could give, clinging to him as if he would run off and split himself in half if she let him go.
She kept her eyes open, choosing to see Picard alive and not the divided corpse that still haunted her mind's eye.
Her tears stained his crimson uniform.
Picard soon pulled away, looking at her with eyes that did not shed tears, but desperately wanted to.
He held out her portal gun as if it were a ceremonial sword.
Chell took it, then looked back up at the captain with the most stolid face she could make.
They turned around and found Marty inspecting Data.
Chell and Marty looked at Picard, who shook his head.
"Proceed to the next chamber," GLaDOS snarled.
Picard led the way with Chell and Marty beside him.
He did not look at Data, or whatever the metal husk they left behind was.
VI
As they entered the next test chamber, they each felt a small jolt at the back of their necks like an electric shock.
The room's floor was littered with dirt and rocks, as if the tiles had been ripped up to reveal their foundation underneath. But the white metal walls were dirty, as well. It seemed that it was the dirt and rock that had been over the metal.
There were three others already in the room. Chell thought they might be more test subjects.
There was a man in a green shirt, jeans, and hiking boots with blood dripping from under his hair. A brown-haired woman with a ponytail and leather jacket who was dotted with bite marks. And an older man wearing a fedora, clutching his limp right arm.
All three of them drew their guns at the sight of the test subjects, who raised their hands.
"Don't shoot!" Marty yelled.
"We're friends!" Picard called.
Chell's heart entered her throat, but this time in a pleasant way. She felt the back of her neck; the muting chip was gone.
"Oh, thank God!" She shouted, her bouncy Boston accent echoing throughout the chamber, perhaps to the irritation of these potential new allies, but she didn't care.
"I can talk! We can talk!" She slapped a hand each on one of Picard and Marty's shoulders.
"Say something! I wanna hear what you sound like!"
"Uh…" Marty began. He stopped for a moment, like he had been caught daydreaming in class.
"Hi, my name's Marty…" Despite his hesitation, Chell loved his voice. After spending so much time listening to sarcastic A.I., it was refreshing to hear something soft and sincere.
"I believe this means we are entering some sort of endgame," Picard said softly, as if hoping Chell would follow his example. His British accent bristled with a certain Shakespearean flair which captivated Chell.
"Yes...Yes, definitely," she lowered her voice accordingly.
She turned back to the trio still aiming their guns at them. Their eyebrows were raised and their fingers trembled.
"Sorry," Chell called to them, stepping forward. They did not move.
"GLaDOS had muting chips put on us. We haven't been able to speak until just now,"
"Who the hell is Gladys?!" The younger man questioned.
"How do we know you're not working with those shadow people?!" The bite-ridden woman demanded.
"Shadow people?" Marty repeated.
"We were captured by GLaDOS," Chell explained further, making sure to keep her hands in view. She leaned ever so slightly to the left, ready to dodge any incoming fire if necessary.
"The artificial intelligence who runs this place. I get the feeling you three got here another way,"
"We're archeologists," the older man replied, his gruff voice laced with panting. Looking at his limp arm made Chell feel an ache in her own limb.
"We came here investigating a cave that just appeared out of nowhere. We've just been ambushed by a bunch of shadow people!"
"What do you mean shadow people?" Picard asked, stepping forward as well. "And please, lower your weapons. I swear to you that we're not your enemies,"
The man in the fedora gave Picard a scrutinizing look from under the rim of his hat, and then holstered his gun. His allies followed suit.
"They might have been human once," he continued. "They're ungodly powerful and serve someone they call the mistress,"
"You think that's who captured us?" Marty suggested, joining the others.
"GLaDOS?" Chell mused. "I don't know...But we're all together. That means we have a common enemy." She extended her hand to the man in the fedora, and handshakes were passed around.
"I'm Chell,"
"Henry Jones,"
"Marty,"
"Lara Croft,"
"Jean-Luc,"
"Nathan Drake,"
"Like the explorer, Sir Francis,"
"My ancestor, actually,"
"Strange; there are no records of Sir Francis Drake having children,"
"No records, but-"
"Didn't we already do this, Drake?" Lara interjected.
"Right, sorry,"
"So how the hell do a kid, an old man, and space boots here end up together on some kind of space station disguised as a cave?" Jones asked.
"Kid?" Marty whispered.
"Space boots?" Chell whispered.
"GLaDOS abducted us from our homes," Picard answered. "I don't know how, but I suspect that perhaps she had these shadow people you mentioned retrieve us. She was testing us, studying our ability to solve problems of physics, memory, and morality,"
"Sounds fun," Drake said, offering a sarcastic smirk. "I like a good puzzle,"
"Fun for her, maybe," Marty added. "We almost died. More than once. She knew all kinds of things about us, even though we'd never even heard of her before. She had this robot clone of one of Picard's crew members... " He exhaled, as if having just put down a tremendous weight.
"She...She knew which songs I played at my parents' high school dance...Whoever she is, she's been studying us for a long time. Maybe our whole lives,"
"Sounds just like what we went through," Lara responded. "The shadows said they were testing us, too. To see if we were good enough to join them. And they made copies of our mentors, as well,"
"So that's what this is," Chell said. "Training camp for an army of shadow people,"
"Wait, wait," Drake began. He looked at Marty. "Did you say you played at your parents' high school dance?"
Marty scratched his hair and shrugged. "Long story,"
"But we're all still here. Still...us," Jones began. "Obviously we were in two different camps, and now we're together...So did we meet their expectations?"
"You exceeded them, Indy!" a youthful but powerful voice boomed in their ears.
"This is the graduation ceremony!"
There was a full second of perpetual darkness.
When light returned, the dirt and stone and metal were gone.
The six test subjects found themselves in something like a manor foyer. The decor was a dark purple, bordering on black. Each wooden wall had a single stained glass window, depicting something like the head of a black dragon.
In the center of the foyer was a hexagonal table, dotted with buttons and levers like a console. A glass pillar dipped in and out of it, each time emitting a mechanical whine, as if the building, the ship, or whatever the test subjects were in, was weeping.
Leaning against the console was a man in a black waistcoat with equally dark hair that flowed upwards into jagged shapes like massive horns, giving him a demonic appearance. His eyes were blood red. His skin, just like all the archaeologists' previous opponents, was as black as a shadow.
The archaeologists drew their pistols. Chell aimed her portal gun at the floor between her and the demon. Marty raised his fists.
"And guess what?!" the demon continued, clapping his hands together excitedly.
"You've all made the honor roll! But tradition is tradition; we still have to select a valedictorian!"
"Where is your leader?" Picard demanded, stepping to the front of the group.
"GLaDOS, or whoever this mistress is-"
Everyone blinked.
BANG!
A smoking pistol had appeared in the demon's clawed right hand, and a wound bleeding a bright scarlet light had appeared in Picard's chest.
"Picard!" Chell and Marty rushed to his side, but he didn't fall.
He only stared at the ceiling, as if too distracted to acknowledge his wound.
"Thanks for volunteering, cap!" the demon bowed. "Hope you prepared a speech. Aw, who am I kiddin'; you've got a whole novel stuffed in your back pocket, don't ya?"
"I feel…" Picard gasped, darkness creeping through his face like an infection.
"I feel...I don't feel…"
"Alright, guys; give our new alumni their diplomas!"
BLAM!
Everyone darted around; Nathan Drake stood gaping just like Picard. His wound glowed orange.
Another shadow stood behind him; this one wore what appeared to be part of a skull as a helmet. His right hand was a chainsaw, and his left hand was a smoking shotgun.
"I'm excited to work with ya, Nate," the shadow said, throwing a shotgun-hand over a petrified Drake's shoulders.
"We need more senses of humor in our army,"
Jones and Croft aimed their pistols at the shadows, but two things like thin, slimy, black tentacles reached down from the ceiling and yanked them out of their hands.
The archaeologists looked up, and found what they first thought was a giant spider reaching for them.
"Surprise!" the newest shadow, not a spider but a man whose limbs bent and stretched in a hauntingly spider-like way, cheered as he plunged his fist into Croft's gut. When he yanked it out, it illuminated with white light as Croft's wound glowed blue.
Jones brought his fist up to strike the spider man, but then felt something burst into his back.
"That's no way to treat your new comrades, Dr. Jones,"
Chell looked over Jones' shoulder as he froze, bleeding red light. There was a female shadow grinning back at her with a mouth wide enough to bite Jones' head off.
She tilted her head, as if threatening to do it.
Chell lifted her portal gun, her heart bludgeoning her ribcage as her eyes vomited tears.
She was going to get just one hit in. Just one.
For Marty.
For Picard.
For herself.
She felt something in her chest. It didn't hurt; it was like it had snuck in there.
But her heart suddenly stopped.
Her head tilted right; Marty was frozen, his chest glowing green, and something like a sharp tendril through him.
Chell looked down, and saw that she was in the exact same situation, only with a blue light.
"How did I fare, Chell?" a deep voice, like that of a beast from some infinite abyss, echoed in her ear. A figure walked between her and Marty and turned to face them. He wore a fedora just like Jones. The tendrils curled around his neck like a long scarf.
"Was my Aperture just like the real thing?" His head twitched, and then he carried on, his voice lifting to something like a chipper goblin.
"I'm so pleased; the mistress didn't just improve me, she improved my TARDIS as well…" Another twitch, then back as a dignified aristocrat.
"The old thing is supposed to be able to disguise itself, but with the mistress' magic, it can transform itself. It can be a cave in the middle of a wheat field, an ancient tomb, even a long-forgotten science facility…" he twitched again, and returned as a wise old man.
"The mistress wanted you to be tested in very particular ways. The six of you aren't like the others already in her service; not as powerful, but every bit as determined and righteous. She needed to know if it was enough, and fortunately for you, she has decided that it is,"
He ripped his tendrils from Chell and Marty.
Chell looked around; her allies were all gone.
Only their shadows remained.
She felt cold, but that was okay. She liked the cold.
She felt a seething, burning contempt for GLaDOS and all her tests, but that was okay. She liked hating her.
She felt a festering frustration at the motel receptionist who had ogled at her every day, and at Picard for his earlier gambit, and at the universe for never letting her just have a victory once in her goddamn life.
But that was okay.
She listened to the mechanical whining again. It wasn't weeping after all. It was singing.
The shadows lined up in front of their new recruits.
Chell didn't see shadows anymore. She saw light. The only light anywhere in the cosmos.
She knew their names; Dante, Ash Williams, Peter Parker, Romanadvoratrelundar, the Doctor.
Another light stepped out from behind them, the one brightest of all. She came in a horned hood running down into a black cloak like a cloud carrying her across the ground. Her skin was the most perfect shade of green. Her hands rested on a crystal ball atop a golden scepter.
The crystal ball sang just like the TARDIS.
She smiled at her new Heartless.
Chell shed tears at her smile. That gloriously malevolent smile, comforting her that, finally, after all the trials and tests, she was home.
Chell, Marty McFly, Jean-Luc Picard, Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, Nathan Drake, the Doctor, Romana, Spider-Man, Dante, and Ash Williams got to one knee and bowed their heads at the light they surrounded.
"All Hail Maleficent, Mistress of All Evil!"
CAKE, or Portal x Back to the Future x Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 1, Episode 6
NEXT TIME ON JUSTICE LEAGUE INFINITE!
Maleficent's army grows larger. Aided by Force-users, demon hunters, a TARDIS, an all-seeing Daredevil, a cunning Starfleet captain, and a band of powerful Experiments, amongst many others, there is no world safe from her wrath.
But in the multiverse's darkest hour, hope comes in a band of unlikely heroes.
An old western sheriff.
A soldier from a Chinese dynasty.
A street rat turned prince.
Two superpowered siblings.
An optimistic police-bunny.
A skeletal king.
And a former SOLDIER.
Coming soon!