Chapter 23

Tuesday January 20, 1920

Evening

Tommy POV

The day had been fuckin long. The weather had turned to shite and Freddie fuckin Thorne had returned to town. The fucker had actually had the gall to show up at the den and ask him where he'd fuckin hidden Ada. Freddie lost his shite yelling and screaming at him like he'd fuckin done something to his own damn sister. Tommy remembered fuckin laughing in his face.

"Fuckin brilliant Freddie. Ya sneak around with my sister behind my back for months. Thinking I don't fuckin know what you're doing. Then ya take off without even telling her to her face. What the fuck makes ya think I'd do something to me own sister, eh? What? I'm fucking curious. Maybe if ya actually fucking loved her enough to call her on Christmas. To fuckin take ten minutes out of your damn day to go to her and fucking say to her face...Ada I'm leaving town for a while, don't worry I'll be back. She could a asked ya the questions she had and ya could a settled her mind. But ya didn't fuckin do that did ya Freddie?"

" There are days, when I hear about the beatings, and the cuttings and I wish I hadn't taken that fuckin bullet for you."

"There are times when I wish you hadn't. But we're not talking about me, we're talking about Ada and if you truly felt for her ya wouldn't a written a two line note and fuckin posted it to her."

"What the fuck would you know about love Tommy. Men like you don't get love, you get a fuckin bullet."

"Mm. Perhaps, but you're the one who took the fuckin bullet ain't ya. If Ada wants to talk to ya, she'll write ya."

"Where the fuck is she Tommy?"

"I don't fuckin know, somewhere in the Cayman's I'd imagine."

"The Cayman's? What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Ada decided to leave Birmingham for a while. Went on a trip. Won't be back for some time yet. Now fuckin get out."

God, he was fuckin tired but he could already feel that he wasn't going to be getting sleep anytime soon. He'd brought a bottle of whiskey with him and poured a full fucking glass. He had no care for his suit as he stripped down. His clothes landing in pieces across his floor. He downed his drink and poured another.

He wanted to fucking hit something, Freddie's fuckin voice echoing in his head, festering all damn day. Men like you don't get love, you get a fuckin bullet. He fuckin knew he wasn't the type of man that got to live happily ever after. He sure as hell didn't deserve love after all the misery he created, all the blood on his hands. Not with the bits and pieces left of his soul laying in shards on the ground. He had no illusions. When his time came, if it was real, he'd be going to hell.

He downed his second glass, and went to pour a third, only stopping when his eyes caught on Aoife's picture. He closed his eyes and took deep dragging breaths before setting the bottle down and retrieving her letters. He sat down on the edge of his bed and began to read.

January 7, 1920

My Tommy,

I think we've finally made it through the worst of the weather. We came upon it faster than we'd estimated. As I'm sure you've heard I did manage to get a quick check in out to John. Your family was a bit saddened to learn the signal was lost. They'd been looking forward to sharing their experiences so far and hearing your voices.

The winds have calmed now and we're not being struck by crosswinds. The rain is still coming down but thankfully there was no lightning to be seen. While I love everything about the rain and a decent storm, I've never enjoyed having to sail the ship manually due to lightning.

Everyone seemed to manage all right, I'm told that they all stayed up in their hammocks and were able to keep any sickness at bay. Ada wasn't afraid to mention that she was grateful none of the kids felt sick, due to the fact she was positive if she left her hammock she would have been. She'd even used her stockings to tether the adjoining doors open so she could converse with the girls without having to move.

Finn stayed with me through the worst of it. He took note of the landscapes on my walls while enjoying my own hammock. He was quite taken with them and we discussed the different places they depicted. My sister Aine had created them, and Finn shared with me his interest in art. Along with his studies and his shadowing he's now added art lessons with Aine to his list of activities. She's mentioned that he has a natural artistic ability.

I'll admit that I cannot draw, paint, crochet, cross-stitch or manage anything passable when it comes to various forms of art. I suppose the only artistic thing I can manage decently is singing and playing the piano. Now if you asked me to take a look at the engine of your motorcar I could probably fix that for you. Not joking, it would seem that aside from cooking, baking and the singing and piano that I mentioned above, the feminine genes that most women supposedly have either skipped me entirely or Aine was a hog and took my share of such things.

Michael has shown a deeper interest in learning more about the stars and how we use them to help us navigate. Eirnin has been teaching him the names of the different stars and helping Michael locate the correct constellations that he's learning of. I think he'll be a skilled navigator by the time we return. He spends much of his free time pouring over our charts.

I hope that things are going smoothly for you back in England and that everyone remains unharmed. I've found that when Finn starts to get a bit homesick he'll make an appearance at my door. We spend our free time discussing all manner of things, from places I've seen, to his hopes for the future. Sometimes we play hangman with his new list of words for the week - I can manage to draw the stick figure. I try to keep his spirits up and I know that he so looks forward to Monday's when he gets to speak with you and the others.

In this regard I'm happy that we will be continually moving and only have small stops along our route. I've often found that when you are forced to remain stationary for longer periods of time that people are ready to be home at the close of the first month. At least we will have changing scenery and cultures for them to experience. This will help keep the worst of homesickness at bay.

I do not suffer homesickness as my home is constantly in motion and travels with me where ever I go. I have however come to find that I am capable of suffering from the absence of one particular man. I find it to be annoying and yet at the same time a comfort. I told you already that you make feel things I don't understand. So don't expect any more of an explanation. The only comparison I've managed to come up with, was when my parents decided to plant their feet in soil. After twenty one years of having their constant presence I missed them in their absence. However with them it was not comfort but I suppose that sense of freedom.

In regards to you, it's annoying because I've never cared about someone not of my blood enough to actually miss their presence...go ahead and smirk, I can see it on your face right now. I find it comforting when I think about it because I know I'm not alone in this affliction. I also find a strange sense of...I don't know what you call it and I can't think of a way to explain it either. Disregard that last sentence since I can't put it into words. Just know that I'm fairly certain it's something positive.

Part of me thinks it terribly odd that I could miss you when I haven't known you that long and when I don't know all that much about you. And because I am me, I have to go and harp on it until I figure it out to my satisfaction since I can't stand not understanding myself and I know certain things I can work out if I just concentrate on it enough.

I thought to myself, what is it that I do know? You're an enigma, as I mentioned before. One that I want to explore. You come from a hard place, a place that could easily ruin a man. Yet you didn't break, you didn't shy away from making the hard choices, from doing the dirty work that needed to be done.

You did what you had to. While many men would do the same for themselves, you didn't do it for just you. You're a family man. You love your family and you do what you have to, for them. You have goals that you want to reach, dreams of a future you want to achieve.

You have an affinity for horses. Your Aunt Polly mentioned that you'd wanted to work with them when you were younger. She said you're a good rider and have a good eye for them. You mentioned you never got use to seeing them die, it pained you.

Your clever, I've seen it. Your mind constantly whirling with thoughts, plans, looking at all the angles. You're one hell of a Chess player aren't you? How many strategies do you have going on in your head at once? I've noticed how closed off you are even with your family. I'm not certain the cause. You could just like silence. But have you ever noticed it's the quiet ones that are the best listeners? I'm betting you hear a lot more than others do from the same conversations.

You're a natural leader. People follow you, your example, your orders. People respect you and fear you because your actions demand it but it's not only that. It's your presence. You wouldn't have been promoted to Sergeant Major if it was about fear, and it had to be more than just respect from your peers. You inspire loyalty Tommy, from your family, from your men. I know that fear does not inspire loyalty, you've earned it, regardless of whether the things you do are bad.

You threw your medals in the cut. You did what your country asked of you. Terrible, horrible things because they told you to. I imagine you threw them in the cut because you've lost faith after what you've seen. Been disillusioned after what you were called to do. You don't need a fucking medal given to you for surviving or helping your brothers in arms to survive.

As much as you may disagree there is bravery there, courage. The definition is not that you have no fear, it's what you do in the face of it. You mentioned that you were haunted by the sounds of picks and shovels from your time in the tunnels. Every day since your return home, you've faced it. It doesn't matter how well or what means you used to get through. What matters is that you continued to face it and make it another day.

You don't hide the fact that you do bad things, you're blatantly obvious and honest about it. You make no apologies for your actions or consequences of the decisions you make. You're not pretending to be something that you're not. In my experience not many men can say that.

I'd decided I was going to give us a chance and I asked Harry who you were from his perspective. He was an honest man and gave me an honest answer. He said that you weren't accustomed to not getting what you want. If you want something you take it. That you give a fair price, but it's an ultimatum...do it or else. And yet it was funny, because whenever there was trouble, everybody around there wanted you to win. He said he thought it was, that you're a bad man but you're their bad man. That Tommy, that says something. You're a bad man, their bad man, theirs, Tommy. As much as you own Small Heath, it's people...in a way, take ownership of you.

There's more on my list of what I know. As it kept growing I realized we may not have actually known each other for that long, but the shortness of time had no bearing on me knowing you. So this is me telling you, that I'm missing you. So try and stay out of harm's way when possible because I'm looking forward to getting to know you even more.

Ever Yours,

Aoife

Tommy wasn't sure how it was even possible for her to have written something to him and for him to have read it exactly when he needed to hear it. She missed him, and it wasn't the idea of him, or even him physically but who he was. The fuckin amazing thing about that was that she had a really fuckin good idea of exactly who he is and she missed him anyway. She missed him, which meant she cared for him.

He knew he'd opened up to her about a few things but she more than proved how observant she herself was. He imagined he'd been correct that first time they'd met. She had a keen intelligence and she moved pieces around inside her head as she found them, putting the pieces together. Building her fucking puzzle.

He found he had a deep desire to do the same. What did he know about her? He knew she was strong and confidant in who she was. He'd yet to see her be intimidated by anything or anyone, including himself. She'd fuckin chastised him more than once with no fear of him for fuck sake. Once she made a decision she didn't hold back. He had been certain that night that she'd decided to stay away from him. Something had changed her mind, something she'd witnessed when he'd been dealing with Danny.

She had changed her mind but even narrowly escaping death hadn't changed it back. She'd decided she wanted to know why they were drawn to one another. There had been no coyness, no hesitation when she'd asked him if he wanted to wait three months for them to be together physically. No, there had been mirth and teasing. She hadn't hidden her desire, hadn't pretended to be some innocent. She'd been demanding and fearless in both what she gave and what she took.

She managed to see beauty in unlikely places and things. You looked at her and you'd think she was in need of protecting, looking after. In reality she was capable of protecting herself, she didn't need a man to keep her. What she was waiting for was a man to accept her. To accept the fact the she didn't need him, that she was capable of being able to walk away and survive just fine on her own. A man that understood that, but also understood that it wasn't about her needing him, it was about her wanting him. He imagined with her experiences she hadn't come across a man that could accept the fact that their woman didn't need them.

She wasn't a saint, wasn't an angel, she'd inferred that her hands weren't pristine. She had and would dirty them further if that's what was called upon her to do. Could he accept that she had a dark side, that she had done bad things herself? Are you capable of accepting all of me? All of the bad along with the good? He fuckin could, he wanted her and Aoife wanted him.

Freddie had said what he'd fuckin said because he was angry Ada wasn't waiting around for his return. Freddie'd been there through Grace. Had known that Tommy had been contemplating asking her to marry him. Freddie knew about the fuckin conversation he'd had with Grace about the Peaky Blinders. He'd fuckin known she'd never really loved him.

Knew how Grace wanted him to leave everything behind, to throw his gun in the cut and run away from Small Heath. Only it hadn't just been Small Heath she'd wanted him to leave. It'd been his family as well. She'd had no faith that he'd ever be more than a bookie, a thief, a Peaky Blinder. No faith, and no real fucking feelings for him. She'd been using him, using him to stay afloat in Small Heath. His name attached to hers had kept her from fuckin drowning. With as averse to his occupation and way of life as she'd told him she was, she'd fuckin used it to her own advantage without him even knowing it. He supposed he couldn't really lay all the blame at her feet, she'd never actually said anything about love. No, he in all his infinite wisdom at that age had assumed.

But he wasn't assuming anything with Aoife. Neither one of them had mentioned love, but they both fucking cared, and they both fuckin knew it.

Airship Adelisa Aiglentine

Aoife POV

Aoife stared up at the night sky. The weather had warmed. It was in the eighties during the day and it only dropped by about ten degrees come night time. It was nice not to have to wear layers or thick leathers any longer. She'd packed away all her heavy blankets and switched from her flannel sheets to her cotton ones. They'd be in George Town come sunrise tomorrow. She was looking forward to seeing some old friends and enjoying Caribbean life for a day.

She kept meaning to ask the Shelby's if they knew how to swim or not. They might enjoy snorkeling near the coral reef or simply enjoying a swim in the clear blue water. If not they should at least walk the white sand beach and take a look at the colorful homes and enjoy island culture.

Hopefully some time on land would lift everyone's spirits. They hadn't been able to get a line out to Birmingham as the signal boosting relay tower had been down. The Tinkers had been working on fixing it but had said it more than likely wouldn't be back up and functional for at least a week. Unfortunately that meant they'd miss their Friday check in to Alfie as well. All they could do was hope circumstances allowed them to connect next Monday from the signal booster they'd be near in Mexico.

Aoife was on night watch and she was hunkered down as comfortable as possible up in the crows nest. The stars were shining bright, thousands of twinkling little lights brightening up the darkness. They had entered the Caribbean Sea and they needed to keep a look out for pirates. At the evening meal some of the men had started telling the Shelby's about some of the historical pirates that called this area home.

The kids especially seemed to be enamored with the legends and tales. Ada and Michael had enjoyed them but had asked her afterwards if they needed to be wary in this area. She didn't lie, there were pirates in this sea still. However she didn't believe they had anything to worry over, the weather was beautiful and most of the ships in this area were familiar with who they were. They knew not to bother trying to take her.

As she scanned the sky above and the sea below for anything out of the ordinary she thought about Tommy. She knew that he should have received the first batch of letters by now. She didn't regret anything she'd written, she stayed true to herself and remained honest with him. She had to admit she was feeling a slight bit awkward now though. In some ways writing things out seemed easier to say than when you were face to face with someone. Unfortunately the downside was that she didn't know how Tommy reacted to anything she'd wrote him. At least when your face to face you can gauge a person's reaction.

She didn't care for feeling awkward when all she'd done was put herself out there a bit. She reached down and softly rubbed one of Tommy's discs between her fingers, almost like a worry stone. It didn't really feel like she was worried though, she just couldn't put her finger on what it was.

When they reached George Town she'd post the next batch of letters. He should get them fairly quickly this time, as there was a direct shipping route from here to London on an express to boot. They had considered upgrading the Adelisa to an express, but when it came down to it, they'd decided at this point in time it was more important to update to the latest navigational and communications equipment. They'd reconsider adding the more powerful engine and propeller system next year.

Aoife dropped the disc from her fingers, feeling the gentle thump of it as it landed back on her skin. Standing up she grabbed her scope and scanned the horizon. She could have sworn she'd seen something. Looking through the scope came up with nothing, but she relayed the information to the others on watch anyway and they all continued their vigil a bit more alertly. They managed to start up a word game to keep their minds sharp and away from drowsing.

Nothing ever appeared out of the ordinary again. Before she knew it she was watching the horizon line as the sun rose painting the sky in shades of purples, pinks and oranges. It was beautiful and when shift change came she noted that Ada was standing on deck near the bow of the ship. She'd started over to say good morning but stopped when she'd noted Eirnin walk up to her with a steaming cup of tea.

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