Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave
Chapter 3
"Andrea, when will the jet be available over the next couple of weeks," I ask when she answers the call from my office.
"Give me just a second to pull up the schedule on my computer," she answers. "Let's see it looks like it is in New York right now, but will be returning in two days. Then it is not in use for the next couple of weeks."
"Could you please block it out for that time for me please," I ask.
"Yes sir, would you like for me to alert Stephan that you are planning a trip," she asks.
"Yes, I will be going to Detroit for a few days with my family," I say.
Well, now that the jet is taken care of I should probably head home to tell Ana that Welch has located Ella's gravesite. I am certain she will be very excited to head there right away. But with the company jet in New York, I will have a few days to get mentally prepared for the visit.
I sent Taylor a text to let him know that I will be ready to head home in the next ten minutes and I will meet him out front. I am happy that he and Gail have returned from their trip. They seem to have enjoyed their trip, and I am glad they did.
When I have sent the last couple of emails and closed down my computer I grab my jacket and head out the door. Andrea is still busy at her desk and considering she is a newlywed she needs to head home.
As I approach I say, "Andrea, are you almost ready to head home?"
"I was planning to work for a while longer to prepare for the conference call you have tomorrow with Kavanaugh Media," she replies.
I give her what I hope is a sympathetic look and say, "Didn't you already send the outline out to all the parties earlier today?"
"Yes," she answers. "But I was just going to double check all the links in the notes to see that you would all be ready to begin in the morning."
"Andrea you have worked for me and done a wonderful job for quite a while now. The outline looked ready and you have already double checked it. You would not have emailed it unless you had it exactly the way I like it. So if that is all that is keeping you here, head home to your husband, and I will see you in the morning," I say.
She blushes at the compliment of her work. I need to remember to tell how much I value her work more often. She is the best PA I have ever employed.
"Thank you, Mr. Grey. I will shut off my computer, straighten up my desk and head home," she replies shyly.
It seems my PA is just as awkward at compliments as my wife. Is this because they are women that they are surprised by positive comments? I hope it isn't because I don't give them out often enough. I must remember to let Andrea know what a wonderful job she does for me. I know I am pretty demanding of my employees and she has never had any problems keeping up with me. Actually, she sometimes anticipates what I need before I even have to tell her. Maybe I will add a bonus to her pay this month to let her know I value her work.
We ride down the elevator together, so I ask, "How are you enjoying married life?"
"Oh, I love it! We get along very well, even with our cultural differences. I mean we have had our adjustments like most people who begin sharing their lives. I would not want to change any of it so far. How about you," she asks as the elevator reaches the bottom floor.
"I am truly loving it also. I am actually surprised at how easy it has been to share my life with Anna. Now with Teddy, it just multiplies the joy," I answer. "Have a relaxing evening," I say as we part.
Taylor is waiting for me when I walk away from Andrea. An idea hits me as I get into the Audi SUV. "Taylor, I am going to want to make a stop on the way home," I say and then explain that I would like to stop at a flower shop on the way home to surprise Ana with flowers this evening.
As I enter the shop, the smell is divine. I look around the shop to find something unusual, I don't want to get roses or some mundane flower that everyone gives their wives. I want something as unique and beautiful as Ana. I find a beautiful bouquet that has some sun-kissed lilies, at least that is what the florist called them. I just know that they are a beautiful yellow flower that reminds me of the sun that Ana shines on my life. I buy the bouquet and head back to the SUV so Taylor can take me home. I notice when I get in that there is an extra bouquet of flowers in the SUV. Taylor must've liked my idea. I hope Gayle likes what he picked.
As we begin the drive I tell Taylor that Ana and I will probably be going to Detroit in the next few days. I add that I will let him know the specifics as soon as I know for sure when Ana is free to go. I know that he is planning to have Sophie here for a few days in the new house. I am not sure when that is, but I would prefer not to go without Taylor.
I ask Taylor, "When is Sophie coming to stay with you and Gail? I don't want to interfere with the plans to have her here."
"She is here now and is staying through the end of the week," Taylor answers.
"Awesome, you should bring her over the house so we can say hello to her," I say. That little girl is so sweet and I know Ana has fallen in love with her too. She has a way of getting into your heart very quickly.
Taylor stops at the front of the house so I can get out and head inside. I let him know that the trip to Detroit probably won't happen until the beginning of the week. He thanks me for allowing him to stay here with Sophie for the rest of the week. Then I head into the house in search of my family.
When I step inside I immediately hear Teddy's laughter coming from the nursery. I head up the stairs to find my giggling son. When I step into the nursery I am filled with joy as I watch Ana playing peek-a-boo with him.
"Good evening, Mrs. Grey. It looks like you two are having fun. His laughter is such a wonderful sound," I say as I walk into the room.
"Yes, Mr. Grey his laughter is truly a magical sound. What do you think Teddy, do you want to play peek-a-boo with Daddy? I am sure he would love to play with you," she says smiling up at me.
"Yes, I would love to play with you, Teddy. But I might now be as good at it as Mommy," I say sitting beside them.
Teddy continues to giggle as we take turns playing peek-a-boo with him. When he tires of the game, we head to the kitchen to see if Gail has dinner ready. Gail is setting the table as we enter the kitchen area.
"Something smells wonderful down here, Gail. What are we having tonight? I am really hungry," I say as we walk to the table.
"Penne alla vodka and it is almost ready to eat. I will bring it out in about five minutes," she replies and leaves us at the table alone.
Ana has gotten Teddy's high chair and set it up beside the table. She walks to the cabinets and gets him some banana puff cereal that he can pick up and eat by himself. Watching how quickly he learns to do things is amazing. I never knew how quickly a baby learns to do things. I will admit when he was first born, just holding him scared me to death and that time when he was completely depended on us did seem to last forever. It felt as if learning to roll over on his own took forever, but after that, it was a rapid fire of learning. Now here he sits at the table with us eating his own food as we eat ours.
These thoughts take my mind to Ella. I wonder if she ever had these same feelings of wonder at my development or if she was always to strung out to notice. Stop it, Christian, stop dwelling on the negative. With Ella on my mind, I turn to Ana and say, "Welch found Ella's grave in Detroit already."
She drops her fork and gasps. "What? Already? Didn't you'd just send him to look a few days ago? I thought it would harder to find."
"Welch works wonders, I agree I thought it would take longer. But he called today to say he had found it. You will go with me to Detroit, right? I mean, will you be able to take time off work to go with me," I ask. What is with this stuttering and stammering when asking Ana to go with me? She is my rock, of course, she will want to go with me.
"Of course, Christian, I want to go with you. I am the one that pushed you to try to find it in the first place. I won't send you there alone. I am free to go whenever you want to head there. The only thing that would cause me to hesitate to leave tomorrow is that Sophie is here with Taylor and Gail right now. I would rather wait until he goes home and that way Taylor can go with us. I wouldn't feel comfortable going out of town without him. I know that doesn't sound fair to our other security people, but Taylor, well you understand," she says with conviction.
"Yes, I feel the same way. I don't want to go without Taylor and I don't want to take him away from Sophie either. I told him that we wouldn't go until the beginning of the week so he could be here with her. Do you want to plan to head there on Monday morning then," I ask?
"Let me double check my calendar in my office, but I don't think I have any meetings next week at all. I just spoke with Mr. Roach today to see what the week held. After dinner, I will go double check my calendar. I think next week will be the perfect time to go. Do you want to take Teddy with us? Or would you rather him stay with your parents," she asks.
Thinking to myself for a couple of seconds, I reply, "No I want him with us. This was his grandmother and I would like to introduce him to her. I can't even believe I am saying these things. What have you done to me, Anastasia? I am definitely not the same man I was when we met. But if I am being honest, that is a really good thing. I was a little scary before you came into my life." I have to laugh at this, Ana joins me in the laughter. When Teddy sees us laughing, he joins in and this causes us both to laugh even harder. He has no idea why he is laughing but he sees his mom and dad laughing so he just laughs with us.
This is what family should feel like, I wish I could have accepted these feelings with Mom and Dad. I should have known I was worthy of their love. They adopted me because they wanted me, why couldn't I see that?
"What are you thinking about? You went from laughing with Teddy and me to looking very concerned," I hear Ana ask as the memories fade.
"I am sorry, I was just thinking about how this is what family is supposed to look like and then I was wondering why I could not accept the love from Mom and Dad," I confess.
"At least you understand it now. They are so happy that you accept their love now. I am sure they are just thrilled that you finally see and aren't still feeling like you are unlovable," she tells me.
"How did I get so lucky to have you fall into my life," I ask.
"Are you ever going to let me live that down," Anna asks.
"Live what down," I ask confused at this turn in the conversation.
"Falling into your office the day that I came to interview you," she says and then continues, "That is the most embarrassing moment of my life and you keep thanking me for doing it."
"That wasn't what I meant just now, but if it bothers you I will try not to say it again. I was just trying to say that I am so thankful that you came along and changed the path of my life. And changed it for the better I might add." I tell her.
"That is so sweet, and I really don't mind you mentioning me falling into your office. But it was so embarrassing. Here I am headed to meet one of the most successful businessmen in the world and I fall flat on my face," she confesses.
"Yes, I can see how that would be embarrassing. I am very thankful that it happened and brought you into my life," I say honestly, but I am hoping to make her feel better also.
"I guess I will survive it being mentioned because I am also very thankful that it brought us together," she says.
At this point, Teddy has finished all of his banana cereal and wants some more. he makes noises to get our attention. Ana gives him some more and he begins eating again. So Ana and I join him and begin eating our meal also.
"I will let Taylor know we want to leave Monday mid-morning as soon as you double check your schedule," I say as I finish my penne alla vodka.
"That sounds great. I will go check my calendar right now," Ana says as she gets up from the table. She returns just a couple of minutes later. "Yes, Monday will work fine for my schedule. I don't have any meetings this week, so I can take my laptop and we can stay as long as you want," she says as she gets Teddy out of his high chair.
She starts walking toward the family room with Teddy, so I follow along to enjoy some time with my son before he needs to go to bed. I love this time in the evening with Teddy and Ana. We just enjoy time with each other and seeing Teddy grow and discover the world around him. He has begun to crawl and now a lot of our evenings are spent directing him back to his toys and away from all the dangers that a house has for a small child. But watching him explore this world is a cool thing.
I send a text to Taylor to let him know what we have planned to do about Detroit. I am secretly relieved that I have a few days to prepare myself for this trip to Detroit. How is it that I can command a room full of people, some of them twice my age and not blink, but returning to find Ella's grave completely terrifies me. I don't really like that this is something weak in myself. Maybe that is why I decided to listen to Ana and find her grave. I need to prove to myself that I can do this, I can go back to the place of my shitty beginning and walk away still standing tall.
Before I know it, it is time to take Teddy upstairs to bed. This is something Ana and I have done together since he was old enough to sleep in his nursery. We get him ready for bed together, the bath, jammies, and story time is family time. But after he is in bed, it is time for Ana and me.
When we walk into our room after Teddy is in bed, I take Ana into my arms and hold her close.
"Christian, is there something wrong? You have been quiet and speculative all evening. If you want to wait to go to Detroit for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, years or if you don't really even want to go, I am fine any of those options," she says with love and concern on her face.
"No I really want to do this and I want to do it sooner rather than later. I have been thinking of my time with her, but not in a necessarily bad way. I think partly I need to prove to myself that I can go back there and still be the strong man I have become. I am not going to lie and tell you that I am excited and looking forward to the trip. But I do want to do it, maybe even need to do it to be able to have closure for that time of my life. Maybe in some way find peace with it. I hope. This trip can accomplish that for me, for us. Does that even make sense," I ask in conclusion to my speech?
"Yes, I can see where you would have all of those emotions and feelings about this trip. But don't forget at any time you feel weak or if you just need help, I am there for you. I will do whatever you need me to do during this trip to Detroit. I support you, it is just that simple, I will support you," she says as she pulls me close again.
"Let's have my parents here for dinner tomorrow or the next night. I would like to talk to them before we go to Detroit. I want to talk to them about this trip before we make it. They have been wonderful, loving parents, even if for a period of my life I could not see it. I don't want to hurt them, especially my mom, by going to see Ella's grave. My life would have been so different if it had not been for Grace, she saved me in so many ways," I say to Ana.
"Yes, that is a wonderful idea. It is very thoughtful of you to want to do this for them. I will call Grace in the morning to see which day is better for them. If we have to postpone the trip a day or so to meet with them, we can," Ana tells me and then adds. "Is there anything else on your mind?"
"I would like to not discuss Detroit or anything about it for the rest of the night," I say and then kiss her. She kisses me back, but it is not a passionate kiss. It feels like she is trying to put all of the love she feels for me into this kiss. I really don't deserve her, but I am selfish and I am going to keep her forever.
"Are you ready to go to bed now? Or would you rather take a shower, a bath, or some kinky fuckery," she asks when she releases me.
"Actually, Mrs. Grey, I would like to make slow passionate love to my beautiful wife. How does that plan sound to you," I ask, and seeing the smile on her face, I know she likes my plan.
Ana calls the office to let me know Grace and Carrick will be able to come to dinner tonight. I am happy that I will be able to talk to them tonight. I truly don't want to do this if it is going to upset them. I guess I will find out what their reaction is tonight. I find it harder to concentrate on my workday after my conversation with Ana. Lunch and fresh air, that is what I need. Walking out of my office, Andrea looks up at me with a confused expression.
"I am heading out to get some lunch and fresh air," I inform her. "Would you like for me to bring something back for you?"
"No, thank you. I brought my lunch from home today," she answers.
"If anyone needs me, I should be back in an hour or so," I tell her as I enter the elevator.
As I step out onto the Seattle street, the sun is shining and that immediately lightens my mood. There is a little Mexican restaurant a couple of blocks from Grey House that is one of my favorite places to eat lunch. The couple that owns the restaurant is wonderful, and I haven't been there in a few weeks. Their oldest daughter was about to get married the last time I was there.
"Beunas tardes," I call out to them as I enter the restaurant. That is the extent of the Spanish I can speak, but Mr. Gonzales is entertained by my attempt to speak Spanish.
"Mr. Grey, where have you been," he asks as I sit in a booth near the kitchen.
"In my office, that is where I have been having all of my lunches lately," I say apologetically. "But I am here now, and I am ready to eat."
"Mrs. Gonzales, she thinks you don't like our food anymore," he teases. Mrs. Gonzales comes over to the booth with an eye roll. This makes me think of Ana.
"Mr. Grey, you know not to believe anything this old man has to say," she asks. " I know you cannot go too long without my arroz con pollo."
"You know me all too well." I agree. "How was your daughter's wedding?"
"It was so beautiful! She was the most beautiful bride you have ever seen. I think I cried a bucket of tears," she gushes.
"Thank you so much for your wonderful gift to her. You are too kind and generous to us, Mr. Grey," Mr. Gonzales adds.
"How could I not get a gift for the daughter of the best cook in Seattle," I ask. "May she be as happy in her marriage as I am in mine."
"Yes, Mrs. Grey has been very good for you. You are happier since you married her. I see you smile, you never smiled before," says Mrs. Gonzales. "I will go get your arroz con pollo. You will starve if I stay her talking."
I think about what she said as I wait for my food. It seems odd that other people notice a difference in my life since Ana. But I guess I should not be shocked, she has had such a wonderful effect on me, and now with Teddy, it is even better.
When I finish my food I say my goodbyes to Mr. and Mrs. Gonzalez and head back to the office. I feel better after being in their restaurant, and now I am full of delicious food so I can get back to running my business.
I enter the house after Taylor drops me at the door. As my routine has become, I listen for the sounds of Ana and Teddy. I hear them in the kitchen, and I head that way. Teddy is in his high chair having some snacks. Ana and Gail are both standing in front of the stove, and whatever they are cooking smells delicious.
"Ladies, whatever you have on that stove smells wonderful," I said stepping over to Teddy. "Hi sweet boy, how was your day," I ask as I bend down to kiss the top of his head.
"Welcome home husband, how was your day? It has been pretty quiet around here today. Teddy took a long nap today, I think he might be in a growth spurt," Ana tells me as she walks over and wraps her arms around my neck.
"My day was fine, I had lunch at my favorite Mexican place. Mr. and Mrs. Gonzales was saying how I smile since I have met and married you. I do not realize that I never smiled before," I confess as she looks into my eyes.
"That is wonderful, I mean, that you smile now. That I make you happy and they noticed. Not that you didn't smile before we were married," Ana stammers as the blush I love to see creeps up her face.
"Yes, having you in my life is wonderful," I add, then ask, "When will my parent be arriving for dinner?"
"They will be here at 6:30," she tells me as she heads back to the stove to help Gail.
I look at Teddy in his high chair, and he seems to be playing with his food more than eating it. I think we should go to his room and have some male bonding time.
"I am going to take Teddy upstairs to have some father-son bonding time," I say to Ana as I get home out of his high chair.
"Enjoy your guy time," Ana calls as I head up the stairs to Teddy's room.
After Teddy and I have played peek-a-boo and read a couple of stories, I hear my parents arrive for dinner. Teddy and I head downstairs to see Grandma and Grandpa. My parents are over the top in love with our little boy. I think my mom has a completely stocked toy store in the newly named grands playroom. The room is formerly known as the den.
When we enter the dining room and Teddy sees his grandparents he squeals with delight. I love that he gets excited when my parents are around. Mom comes over quickly to pluck him from my arms, smothering him with kisses, and he giggles as she does. Dad the loser of the race to get Teddy is stuck with saying hello to me.
"Hello son," he says without much enthusiasm I might add.
"Hi Dad," I say. "So you lost the race tonight I see. Mom has Teddy first and now you might not get him at all. You really need to up your game on this one. I will tell you my secret, for the right price."
"What price is that, because I might be willing to pay a fortune for a secret way to beat Grandma to the little guy," he says quietly.
"We need to stick together, us guys you know," I say just as quietly. "The secret is to come in the front door and listen to see what noises are in the house. If you listen closely you will hear Teddy and then beat Mom to the punch. That is my regular routine. I walk in the door and listen for the sounds of my family."
"I think the best part of that story is that you do that each day to listen for your family," Dad says with a note of pride in his voice.
"Good evening Grace and Carrick," Ana says as she comes into the dining room with her hands full of food. "Christian, can you eat Teddy's high chair and bring it in her please."
"Yes, and do you need any more help with the food? I can help with that too," I reply.
"No, I only need to bring in one more bowl, but thank you for the offer," she says as she follows me to the kitchen.
After we have all eaten way too much food, Ana takes Teddy up to get him ready for bed. I use the time alone with my parents to tell them what Welch found. They can tell I have something important I want to talk to them about. But being the wonderful parents they are and knowing me so well they wait for me to tell them when I am ready.
"Ana has been telling me that I need to find Ella's grave to help me find closure on that parent of my life for a while now. I have been putting her off because, well you guys know all of the reasons I wouldn't want to find her. But one day she said some things that really made me think," I say to begin my story to them.
Mom is looking at me with her eyes full of love, and it reminds me of the way Ana looks at Teddy when he hurts himself. How could I have missed her love for me for so long? They are waiting patiently for me to continue.
"One day she was at it again, and honestly I was getting a little angry with her. But she stood her ground and told me that I did not intimidate her anymore and I need to find Ella's grave to make peace with her. Then she said the thing that made the most impact on me. She told me she had been reading some research and that babies are born knowing their mother heartbeat, voice, and scent. She mentioned how much easier it is for her to calm Teddy as proof of the research. And she is right, she can calm him when he is upset almost instantly. But you know me, I was not so easily convinced. I had to think about it and mull it over. To be completely honest, the thing that worried me most was the nightmares," I confess.
At this point mom puts her hand over her heart, I know my nightmares were always really difficult for her. She wanted to soothe me, but I couldn't let her touch me. She just always knew that touching me was what terrified me the most. When the nightmares would come, she would speak so softly and hum softly. I don't think I have ever thanked her for being there with me after the nightmares.
"Mom, I don't know if I have ever thanked you for the way you were there for me after my nightmares when I was a child. I know it couldn't have been easy for you to see me suffer and not let you hold me to comfort me. But you were wonderful and I loved how you would hum to me. Was that a certain song? I can't place it," I say.
"Actually it was a song my mother sang to me when I was a child. She made the whole song up and sang it for us when we were sick or sad. It just seemed right to sing it for you when you were in such distress with your nightmares. It always made me feel loved by me and made me feel so much better. I just hoped it helped you as it helped me," she said.
"That is surprising that Grandmother sang it to you. I would have thought it would be more something Grandfather would do," I say but mostly to myself.
"Yes, I know she has gotten ornery in her old age, but she was a wonderful, giving mother to me," Mom says wistfully.
"Well my nightmares was the biggest reason I did not want to try to find Ella. With Ana in my life, I rarely have them anymore. I was afraid that if I started digging into my life with Ella that they might return. I call Dr. Flynn to get his expert opinion on the situation. He thinks that with my allowing Ana into my life and heart the nightmares most likely won't be an issue. About a week ago I had Welch go to Detroit and try to find her grave. He was able to find it in only a couple of days. I want to go to Detroit and try to put her behind me for once and for all. But before I do that I wanted to make sure you guys would not be upset or hurt by this," I tentatively end my speech.
Mom and Dad give each other a look, you know the look that a married couple gives that carries an entire conversation. After the look, Dad turns to me and puts his hand on my knee.
"Son, we love you and only want you to be happy. I think Ana is smarter than the rest of us to think of this as a way for you to get the closure you need from your childhood and your mother. Your mom and I have not doubts or fears about the feelings you have for us. Go to Detroit and find the closure you need. You were really never able to say goodbye to her. I hope that this trip will bring even more healing and peace into your life. Your mom and I have hoped and prayed that you would learn to love yourself and allow others to love you. You are at that point with your family now. Maybe the last step to full healing of your life is going to say goodbye to the woman that gave you life," Dad finishes with tears in his eyes.
"Thank you guys for everything. I wanted to make sure you were on board before we made the trip. The plan is to leave on Monday morning and return by the weekend," I inform them.
"Christian please, keep us updated while you are away. I want to know that my son isn't hurting. I am moved that you wanted to check with us before you moved forward with this. I knew Ana was smart when she chose to marry you, but this is even more proof," Mom says. Ana comes into the room just after Mom finishes talking.
"Looks like Christian has shared our news with you," Ana begins, "I hope you are not upset with me for encouraging him."
"Actually, I think Mom is convinced that you are a genius," I say.
"Well, she did choose to marry my son," Mom says with a smile.
After my parents leave, Ana and I head upstairs to bed. We are both tired from the emotionally draining discussions tonight. When we crawl under the covers we hold each other and fall asleep.
Mommy is asweep. She is pwetty. I love Mommy's hair. Mommy likes it when I bwush her hair. I cwimb on Mommy's bed wif the hairbwush.
"Mommy, can I bwush your hair? Mommy? I want to bwush your hair," I tell her.
"Hey Maggot, good morning. Did you sleep well? I love you," Mommy tells me. She is smiling and happy today. I like it when she is smiling and happy.
"Yes, I sleep great. Now I can bwush your hair," I tell her.
"Please brush my hair. I love it when you brush my hair. When you finish we can have some pancakes for breakfast. How does that sound," she asks.
"Yummy, pancakes are the best," I say.
When I finish brushing Mommy's hair we stay in bed and play together. We play with my cars. After we played for a long time, Mommy says she wants to eat. We go to the kitchen and Mommy lets me help make the pancakes. The spoon I mix it with is so big and it is hard to mix for me, but Mommy does it easy. She says I am a big boy and have big muscles.
Mommy and I eat our pancakes together. My tummy feels good when it is full of pancakes. I hope Mommy makes them again tomorrow for breakfast. When we are all finished, Mommy says, "Let's walk to the park to play today."
"The park is the best idea. Can I swing," I ask as Mommy puts my shoes on my feet?
"Yes, I will push you on the swing too," Mommy says with a smile.
Mommy picks me up and hugs me tight as we head to the park. Mommy's hugs are even better than her smiles. My favorite thing in the whole world is a Mommy hug.
As I awake I realize I just had a dream about my mom and it wasn't a nightmare. Grace is right, Ana is a genius. Maybe after our trip on Monday, I will have more happy memories of my time with Ella.