So I just want to take a moment to appreciate these super amazing people; Rubiksmaniac, UnfamiliarSky, FightSong, kissedbyarose13, RJRMovieFan, Hetwaszoietsals, Kate203457 and Emz241. You guys have really kept me motivated throughout this with your kind words and questions. These last couple of days have been hard. But reading your comments have really made me feel like I'm doing something, however small, good with my life.
Also, to anyone who has simply read, followed or favourited this story… this means the world to me too. You're all amazing.
"Beca please, come in." Dr. Carson moved from the door to allow the young girl to walk in. it had been a month since she had started her treatment, already having had two chemotherapy sessions. The effects could be seen immediately. Beca's skin had become sallow, her hair limp. Her collarbone protruded from under her shirt, cheekbones sharp against her skin.
The limp, which had started off subtle and barely noticeable, had made its appearance, each step causing a hiss of pain or a grimace to escape her. It looked like she was almost dragging her leg behind her. As Beca lowered herself into the chair, Dr. Carson noted he delicately she held herself, the snarky guarded girl the young doctor had come to know being nowhere in sight.
"So, let's cut to the chase. How are you feeling?" Beca scoffed, the question tickling the dark humour she had somehow accumulated over the past couple of weeks.
"Oh I'm feeling just fantastic. You know, considering I'm being pumped full of drugs that are just delaying the inevitable." The DJ rolled her eyes, ignoring the nausea that followed it. Dr. Carson, however, was not fazed in the slightest.
"And what is the inevitable, Beca?" this time Beca didn't smile. Didn't smirk. What is the inevitable? She didn't know how to answer. Having come to terms with the constant thoughts of her death and the denial that Luke had over it every time she brought it up, she wasn't prepared to not have to argue about what the future may or may not hold.
"Would you like to know what I think?" the doctor ploughed on, taking advantage of the brunettes dumbstruck state. "I think, in your case there is no inevitability. In any case really. Despite you having cancer, and the cancer dictating a lot of your actions and life choices, ultimately it's you who decides how this ends. You can chose to give up, to let this disease take hold of every aspect of your life and tear it apart. Or you can fight back; change your "this is killing me" to "this is making me stronger". You can fight this Beca, you can destroy this thing and you will recover. And I'm going to tell you something now. I think recovery from anything is honestly the most badass thing a person can do."
Beca was shocked. She had never heard a doctor talk so passionately about surviving, her mothers' doctors always looking at what could go wrong. But here was Dr. Carson, reassuring so fervently that her live was worth living.
"Okay." Beca nodded. Dr. Carson smiled and leaned back in her chair.
"Okay, so I'll ask again. How are you feeling?" Beca pondered the question for a minute before answering.
"Honestly I feel like shit. Everything hurts. And I feel so tired all the time." She was never good at being honest with herself about her feelings, so talking about them with other people was some serious new territory.
"That's understandable. The administration of your chemotherapy typically gives you these side effects. Because it's going directly into your bloodstream, your body as a whole will feel some form of effect, hence the overall tiredness and pain. It's our job to minimalize that." Beca nodded, feeling comfort in the words.
"How will I know if the chemo is working? Will my leg stop hurting?"
"Unfortunately, no. if anything the pain will worsen," Beca frowned slightly. "Because of the nature of your cancer, the chemotherapy will try to stop cell regrowth and destroy the cells that are causing the disease. But this means that healthy cells around the area will more than likely be damaged too. Nerves, muscle and cartilage are the most common aspects damaged, but it varies from person to person. After all this has finished, physiotherapy can be arranged to… well, get you back on your feet." Dr. Carson smiled as Beca chuckled slightly, the irony not lost on her.
"So what can I do in the meantime Doc? Do I have to deal with this until it's gone or…" Beca trailed off, feeling the pain in her knee spike at the thought.
"I can prescribe Acetaminophen to you, but you have to be careful Beca. Standing too long and walking around unaided as much as you have can worsen your symptoms. I'm also going to provide a knee brace and crutches for when you do walk around." Beca's heart sank, knowing that if anyone saw her walking around on crutches would send up dozens of red flags.
"I really don't think that's necessary-"she hadn't gotten a full sentence in before she was cut off.
"This is non-negotiable Beca. I'm sorry, but whether you like it or not, this is going to help." Dr. Carson walked out of the room, presumable to collect the aforementioned items. Beca sat quietly, looking around the room. There were framed photos on the wall along with certificates displaying various qualifications. The majority of the photos were of just her, however there were a couple that showed a group of people, arms slung over each other in a mountainous area. Upon closer inspection, Beca noticed that Dr. Carson was stood in the middle, smiling broadly. She was wearing sunglasses, a tank top and shorts that displayed – wait, Beca's eyes widened. Dr. Carson has a-
"I think this is the right size." Beca snapped her eyes away from the picture to face the doctor. The brunette quickly scanned her, trying to find anything that would suggest the picture was true. She noticed that Dr. Carson only wore loose fitting trousers and simple shoes. As she crouched down to fit the brace, Beca observed how the young doctor pushed her left leg behind her, as if it couldn't move on its own. Everything confirmed it.
"Beca?" the DJ snapped out of her daze. The doctor was looking at her expectantly.
"What?"
"I said would you prefer it on top or under your pants?" Beca glanced at the contraption; metal and plastic that looked like it would dominate half her leg.
"Umm… over will be okay." Dr. Carson nodded and started to fit the brace. Beca was right. The bottom of it reached about 3 inches above her ankle and the top sat about 2 inches below the top of her thigh. She couldn't lie, when the doctor was fitting the top she couldn't help feel butterflies erupt in her stomach when her hands brushed the younger girls' inner thighs. This quickly dissipated when the brace was tightened, causing Beca to yelp in pain.
"I'm sorry… I don't know my own strength sometimes." The brace was loosened. Hazel eyes met blue eyes as Beca smiled, gratitude evident.
"Thank you." The doctor nodded as she stood back up, admiring her work. Satisfied, she grabbed the crutches from behind her and handed them to Beca.
"Okay, these take a little getting used to, but I'm sure you'll pick it up quickly. Do you want to give them a go?" Beca agreed, putting her hands through the holes and grasping the handles. Standing up, the doctor had to adjust the height. Everyone forgets just how small Beca is.
"Right, so when you take a step forward on your right leg, you move the crutches too. Imagine you're stepping with three legs instead of one."
Beca took a deep breath. How hard could this be? The younger girl stepped forward with her right leg, making sure to move the crutches as well. Once she settled her weight, she moved her left leg forward, feeling the relief of the support. All was going to plan, her confidence building until she felt her left foot catch on the crutch. Her right leg, unprepared for the full weight of her body, crumpled and she pitched forward, watching the floor rise up too fast to meet her. Before she hit the floor, she squeezed her eyes closed tightly. The impact didn't come.
Opening her eyes slightly, she saw Dr. Carson gripping her waist and shoulders, holding her steadily above the ground. Concern twisted her features.
"Are you okay? Can you stand?" Beca nodded, getting her feet under her. Once she had her balance, and successfully fought the nausea rising in her stomach, she slumped back down in her chair. The doctor sat opposite her, looking at her with apprehension.
Beca was thoroughly embarrassed. The confidence she had felt when the brace was attached – the small amount of relief it gave her – had quickly disappeared, replaced with shame and defeat. She was retreating into herself, trying to become as small as possible when a warmth materialised on her hand. She glanced up, eyes darting from the hand atop hers to the hazel eyes that were boring into her.
"It's okay, not everyone gets it first time. Small steps right?" a smile escaped the younger brunette, the pun bringing her mood back up. "I'll get your prescription ready. Luke is collecting you?" Beca nodded, remembering how she told the doctor who had brought her here. "Okay, I'll get everything ready for you. Hang tight for a second, I'll be back."
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Luke was scrolling through Instagram when Beca came out of the room, sporting a brace and crutches. The sight was heart breaking, but he managed to smile all the same.
"Hey! How did it go?" Beca rolled her eyes as she slowly walked over to where the Brit was sat. He ran over to relieve her of the backpack she had slung over one shoulder. She shot him a grateful smile.
"It went okay. I just wanna go home now." Luke nodded. They started making their way down the hall towards the exit. As slow as they were walking, Beca was still out of breathe. The effort combined with the pain was something else.
"Do you want me to get a wheelchair? I see a couple back there-"
"No. It's okay, I can do it." They continued walking, the brace only giving her slight relief. Luke watched in concern as Beca's face paled and her breathing got more laboured.
"Becs seriously there's a wheelchair stop down the hall-"again he was cut off, this time by an increasingly frustrated outburst.
"For fuck sake Luke, I'm pretty sure I can walk by myself. Drop it already." The words silenced the blonde, knowing the last thing Beca wanted was pity. The rest of the walk was silent, save for Beca's heavy breathing.
When they made it to the car, Beca had to stop. She was on the verge of passing out, her head swimming and spots clouding her vision. She leaned her arms and head against the window frame, not making any attempt to get in. there was sweat beading on her brow, and exhaustion was settling in her bones.
"Let me put your crutches in the trunk, and then I'll help you in." to tired to argue, Beca handed over her crutches, bracing herself against the car to stop herself from falling over. Not a minute after, Luke was back, snaking his arm around the younger girl's waist to support her. He proceeded to open to door, feeling Beca's full weight against his arm as he lowered her into the passenger seat. Just like before, he lifted her legs into the car, seeing the effort she was using to try and do it herself. Once she was settled, Luke ran around to the driver's side, starting the car and reversing out of the parking lot. The whole time, Beca just stared, feeling appreciation warming her heart.
"Thank you Luke." The blonde just nodded. It was all the acknowledgement she needed.
They drove silently, save for the radio in the background, back to Barden until Beca's phone started ringing, without looking at the caller ID, she answered.
"Hello?" she didn't even attempt to hide the fatigue in her voice.
"Hey you!" Beca couldn't even hide the smile that graced her lips.
"Hey Chlo."
"How's my favourite little DJ doing?"
"Hey! I'm not little!" Luke laughed at the exasperation in the brunette's voice.
"Small, petite, tiny, whatever floats your boat Becs. I didn't call to insult your height though."
Beca's eyebrow quirked up, despite Chloe not being able to see it.
"So why did you call Beale?"
"I was wondering if you're doing anything right now. I wanted to take you for something to eat. At that diner outside campus?" Beca thought for a minute, wondering what Chloe would say seeing her like this. Dressed in sweatpants and Luke's hoodie, a big ass brace on her leg and hobbling along on crutches. Remembering their conversation the night before, Beca thought it would be better than not seeing her at all.
"You still there?"
"Yeah sorry. That sounds good."
"Awes! I'll see you in 10 minutes?"
"Sure thing Beale. Bye." Beca ended the call and turned to match Luke's gaze. The brunette just smirked slightly.
"Change of plan Luke."
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A/N – I love you all, awesome nerds.