Finding Christian's Birth Mom's Grave
Chapter 5
Christian's POV
When I finish my shower Ana is waiting for me in the King size bed of our hotel room. She is beautiful sitting there with a manuscript on her lap. She is so drawn in by the story she is reading, she has no idea that I am staring at her beauty. As she concentrates on the story, she starts biting her lip and my body has the same reactions it has had since she fell into my office. Forget talking about my walk or what I am thinking, I want her now, no I need her now. I need her to know that I am not upset with her for suggesting I find Ella's grave.
"You know what that lip biting does to me, Mrs. Grey," I say and she startles, but a smile spreads across her face.
"Christian, I was hoping we could talk about what you are thinking," she says.
I know I can distract her from the conversation. I walk over to her and remove the manuscript from her lap.
"My darling wife, I find you completely irresistible when you are biting on that lip. We can talk later, right now I want to make love to my beautiful wife. I need you, I need this," I confess to her.
She stands and kisses me slowly, sweetly. I gently lay her on the bed and we explore each other as we make love. This connection with her is what keeps me grounded, keeps me sane. No matter what is going on in my life or my mind, this physical connection with Ana grounds me. She brings me back from the brink of whatever disaster I have created in my mind.
Ana's POV
Christian has grown so much emotionally since we have been married, but there are still times where he still needs to connect with me physically to reassure himself. He still needs to speak to me with physical touch to know, really know that I love him or to say he is sorry for something. Now that we have connected physically, he will be able to talk about what he is feeling about tomorrow and why he needed to take a walk tonight.
As we lay in the dark, I ask him, "What is going on in your mind?"
He doesn't respond right away and I am afraid he might not respond at all. But when I finally give up on a response and think he might have fallen asleep, he rolls to his side to face me and takes my hands in his. He takes a deep breath and says, "I am not really sure I can put what I feel into words. I have seen her as a villain for so long that I am having a hard time reconciling that person with the person in my dreams now, or as a mother that loved me in any way similar to the way you love Teddy. Just like I had to make readjustments in my mind for you to touch me, I am trying to readjust my view of her and add the loving mother side of her to my perception of her. I have never allowed myself to think of her as a complex human being, she was the nightmare part of my life. Now I am beginning to allow myself to not only think of her but to think of her in a positive light."
I bring his hands to my lips and kiss them to show him that I am here supporting him. He copies my actions and kisses my hands. Then he continues to talk, "I remembered something else about my life with her while on my walk. I think it was the last birthday I had with her, she surprised me and took me to the zoo. I remember riding the bus with her, and asking her if I could live at the zoo. She told me I could be anything I wanted to be because I was smart. But when we got home, he was there."
He stops talking and I don't want him remembering the bad things. I ask, "How about we take Teddy to the zoo before we leave town?"
With a smile, he tells me that he had the same idea. "My dad told me to build happy memories with you and Teddy, so I think taking him to the zoo my mom took me to would be a great memory."
"Did your walk help you," I ask as I yawn.
"Yes, Mrs. Grey, the walk was a great way to clear my head and spend my excess nervous energy. And I can see that you are running out of energy, too. Roll over and come close to me and we will go to sleep. We both need to be well rested for tomorrow," he says as he pulls me close.
Christian's POV
Ana is asleep, but of course, I am too wired to sleep. This is one of the few times that even with Ana in bed beside me, I cannot sleep. I don't want to wake her, so I climb out of bed and head into the living area of our suite. As I leave our bedroom, I decide to peek in on Teddy. He looks so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep. I will do everything in my power to make sure the memories of his childhood are all wonderful. I pull an armchair close to his crib and watch him sleep the same way I have watched his mother sleep so many times. I am not sure how long I sit by his bed before I decide to head back to bed with Ana. When I get back into bed with her, I pull her close and drift into sleep.
In what feels like five minutes the alarm wakes me. I plan to go to the gym and get in a run before we head out. Ana is still sleeping peacefully, so I quietly head to the gym. My run is slow and hard today, but I am glad to have come down to workout. I feel more awake and ready to start the day. Before I head back to the suite, I stop at the concierge and ask where the closest florist is located. He tells me that there is one a couple of blocks away. I get the number from him and call to place an order as I head to see if Ana and Teddy are awake yet.
"Good morning, wife," I tell her as I walk into our room. "It smells wonderful in here. I'm glad that you ordered breakfast." I add as I walk over to Teddy, I bend down an kiss him on the head.
"Did you have a good workout," Ana asks as I sit down to eat with them.
"No, not really, but at least the workout is finished now. I feel more awake though, which is a good thing," I tell her honestly. "My run was slow and hard today, even with how much I love running."
"Sorry, you had a bad run. Teddy has been running this morning too. He has been all over this suite about seven times. I think all the energy he didn't get to use on the flight here yesterday has already been used here this morning," Ana says as Teddy's grins at us. "See that smile, the one just his Daddy's, he knows he has been a busy rascal this morning."
"At least the suite is large enough that he can expend the extra energy he has this morning," I add with as I smile at my son.
Ana looks at me with a serious expression and asks, "How are you feeling this morning?"
"Surprisingly I am not nervous at all. I stopped and asked the concierge about a florist close by. He gave me the name of one a couple of blocks away. I called and ordered something to take to her grave," I tell Ana.
She smiles at me and says, "Christian that is very thoughtful of you."
"It felt like the right thing to do," I respond to her compliment. I feel like just showing up there wouldn't be right. I think this gesture will help me with the unresolved feelings. I can give her this small token for bringing me into the world.
When I finish my breakfast, I tell Ana I am going to head to the shower and get ready for our trip.
Ana's POV
As I dress, I reflect on our conversation from breakfast and Christian really doesn't seem nervous about our trip to the cemetery today. This is surprising to me, but I'm not sure why. Christian has faced everything in his life and come out on top of the world. He is really the strongest person that I have ever met. It was super thoughtful to order flowers for her grave. I am so surprised at the complete turn around he has made when it comes to his birth mother. This is just another reason to love this man.
I walk into the living area of our suite and find Christian and Teddy playing with the train we brought with us. I just love watching them together. This might be my favorite thing to see, my husband and our son together. I am such a lucky lady to have these men in my life.
"What are my two handsome guys up to this morning," I ask as I walk over to them. I sit down and begin to add pieces to the train they are assembling.
Christian looks to Teddy and replies, "We were just waiting on the beautiful lady in our life to join us as we conduct this train, right Teddy?"
As Teddy grins at us both, I mention to Christian that is about time for us to head down to meet Taylor. We gather our things to head to the elevator. Christian picks up Teddy and I grab the diaper bag and our jackets. Christian is quiet on the ride down to the lobby and I have learned to just wait for him to tell me what is going on in his mind. This takes patience on my part, and this is not a natural skill for me.
Taylor is waiting with the SUV when we get out of the hotel. Taylor is completely indispensable in our lives. I am so thankful to have him travel with us. He gets out and opens the door for us. He has already put Teddy's car seat into the SUV. I slide in and take Teddy from Christian to begin buckling him into his seat. Christian comes around to the other side and gets with us.
"Good Morning Mr. and Mrs. Grey," Taylor says as we all settle in for the drive to the cemetery.
Christian replies, "Good morning to you, Taylor."
"We are about half an hour from the cemetery, and just as we had hoped the traffics appears to be light," Taylor informs us.
"Taylor, we need to make one stop on the way, two blocks up on Monroe Street is a florist. I have an order there," I tell Taylor.
Teddy has already fallen asleep before we even leave the hotel's parking area. He never lasts long when he is in a vehicle. He has fallen asleep while holding onto Christian's finger. It is so adorable that I grab my phone and take a picture of them.
"Thanks for that, he has already grown so much that it is hard to believe. Now we have the picture to remind us of how tiny he was, one day his hands will be as big as mine," he says as I put away my phone.
"Yes, we definitely need to take tons of pictures. I cannot believe how fast he has grown. I know everyone says that, but I just never realized how true it is," I add.
We ride in silence for the next few miles after we pick up the flowers. I feel butterflies filling up my stomach as we draw closer to the cemetery. Please let this go well for Christian, I plead to God. He has so many terrible memories involving his birth mother, please don't let this be another one. Let this be a time of peace where he can move forward without anger, fear, and regret. I take a deep breath and look toward Christian as Taylor slows and makes a turn into the cemetery.
Christian's POV
I have no idea why, but I am not nervous at all as Taylor pulls into the cemetery. I see Ana watching me with trepidation. She is checking to see how I am reacting to our arrival at the cemetery. But I am amazingly calm, and I am honestly shocked by the feeling. Taylor checks the information Welch provided for locating the gravesite. As we slowly make our way through towering oaks, evergreens, and other trees that have been around since the pioneers settle this area, I am drawn back in time.
Mommy has been sad all day. I tried to share my cars with her, but she just sits on the couch staring out the window. I want something to eat, my tummy is grumbly.
"Mommy, I'm hungry. I want to have a snack," I say to her. I hope she will get me something yummy. Maybe Mommy will back cookies. "I want cookies, can we make cookies, Mommy," I ask, but she just stares. I crawl on the couch and onto her lap.
"Mommy isn't feeling well, Christian. Go play with your cars," she tells me as she picks me up and puts me on the floor.
"But Mommy, I am hungry," I whine, even though she tells me not to whine.
"You are a big boy you can find something in the kitchen," she says, as she looks back out the window.
Mommy thinks I am a big boy. I am happy that I am a big boy. I go to the kitchen and to find some yummy food. I find some crackers and finish them. When I am eating Mommy goes to her room and gets her candle medicine. Mommy is sick so she has to have her candle medicine a lot. I hope Mommy gets better soon.
I start playing with my cars, they are fast. While I am playing, Mommy comes and lays by me on the floor.
"I wish I were a better mommy for you Christian. I'm sorry for not being the mommy you deserve," Mommy is crying when she tells me this.
"Mommy you are the bestest mommy. I love you, Mommy," I tell her, I want her to stop crying. I don't like it when she cries.
"I am going to rest for a while here, you play with your cars quietly," she tells me as she falls asleep.
I jump as Ana brings me from the memory. I look out the window to see that we have arrived. I wonder if that memory is of the time just before she died. I guess it would be fitting to have that memory as we arrive at her grave. I turn and look at Ana, concern is written all over her face.
"Ana, don't look so concerned. I am fine, this is a good thing for me. I actually think I just remembered our last conversation. She told me she was sorry that she was a bad mom and I deserved better. I'm not sure it was when she died, but I was playing with my cars on the floor and she was laying on the floor beside me," I confess my memories to Ana.
"At least she knew you were deserving of a good mom, and that is what you got with Grace," she replies.
"No, I didn't get a good mom with Grace, I got an angel," I tell her because it is true. I really hit the jackpot when she was the doctor on duty when Social Services brought me to the hospital. Teddy wakes up, and I decide to go alone while Ana gets him out of his seat.
"I think I will walk out there alone, while you get Teddy unbuckled," I tell her as I open the door of the SUV.
"Alright, I will join you in a couple of minutes. I love you," she says and I see the love in her eyes. What are the chances of hitting the jackpot twice? I am one lucky son of a bitch.
I get out and head to the back of the SUV to get the flower arrangement that we picked up for her grave. When I find her grave, it is marked with the simplest of stones. Just her name, the days of birth and death. I bend down and put the flowers next to the marker.
"I forgive you," I say quietly. I hope she can hear me. I want her to know that I have let go of my hatred for her. "I will never know what drove you to need drugs so much that you failed at being a mom. But in the end, I have had the best mother." I begin to cry, but they are tears of thanksgiving. Thanksgiving for Grace, I am glad that I was able to grow up with her and Carrick.
"Christian," Ana says quietly as she and Teddy join me. She takes my hand, pulls me close and wipes away my tears. "I hate that you are crying."
"No, don't feel sad for me. These are not tears of sadness, they are tears of thanksgiving. I am so thankful for Grace. Being here has made me realize, I had everything by having them raise me. I am not talking about the material things they gave me. But the unconditional love, I only wish I had realized I had it sooner. I can say for certainty that I forgive Ella. You are right, she had her own world of hurt that spurred her actions. In the end, she did love me, in as much as she was capable," I confess to Ana all the thoughts that have rushed through my mind in the couple of minutes that I have been here. I turn to Ana and Teddy with renewed purpose to make memories with my family, my entire family.
"My husband, a man of few words and even fewer tears, you are amazing," Ana says as she wipes more tears away and kisses me softly.
"Let's go to the zoo, and make a memory from my past into a new one now," I say and turn to walk back toward the SUV, I stop after only a couple of steps. "Thanks for pushing me to do this. I am not sure I would have had the clarity of just how lucky I am to have Grace as my mom if I had not come here. Being here makes me want to go hug my mom and she is in Seattle."
"Then let's go to the zoo, so you can go back to Seattle and hug your mom," Ana says with tears in her eyes.
Hand in hand we walk back to SUV and tell Taylor to head to the Detroit Zoo.
Ana's POV
I'm not sure what I actually expected for Christians reaction to finding Ella's grave would be, but I am sure I would not have expected it to make him understand's Graces love more. We spent the rest of the day at the zoo. I know Teddy won't remember it, but we took enough pictures to fill an album. Christian and I will remember the day and that is part of parenting, remembering each special day with your children.
Now we are about to land at Sea-Tac and Christian has already invited his parents to dinner tonight at our home. He told me he doesn't want more time to pass with his parents not knowing how much he loves and appreciates them. This is from the same man that two years ago felt unloved and unloveable. What a difference time makes in our lives.
I have sent Gail texts to warn her that we are almost home and that we will be having company for dinner. She will no doubt have a wonderful meal prepared for our guests by the time we all arrive. Teddy will never know the Christian that felt unlovable, he will only have this wonderful man as his father. He will never have to feel the pain that Christian felt with Ella, he will have a mom and dad that show him every day that he is loved.
Christian's POV
When we arrive at home, Mom and Dad are already here. This makes me happy, I am not sure what I would have done with my nervous energy until they arrived if they had not beat us here. I walk straight to my mom and to her shock I pull her into a tight embrace. When we pull apart she has tears and questions in her eyes. But before I answer her unspoken questions, I turn to my dad and hug him too. They are both shocked by my unusual behavior, so I try to explain.
"You are the best parents in the world. Thank you for adopting me, loving me, and never giving up on me. When we arrived at Ella's grave, I told her that I forgive her, and then I couldn't wait to get home to my mom," I say looking straight at my mom. "I suddenly realized I had the best mom any child could want with me every day of my childhood."
Mom and Dad both wrap me up in another hug, as Ana and Teddy join our family hug I realize I am the luckiest son of a bitch and has nothing to do with the money in my bank account.