Back at her hideout, Sakura settled back on her heels, one hand on the knotted bark of an old pine that she hid behind in the snowy forest surrounding her cabin; her eyes followed a lone white fox, whose eyes followed a lone white rabbit.
She felt paralyzed as she watched the fox hunt the poor creature, the cold air calm but somehow still biting. Rabbits had never been cut out for the cold reality of the things that hunted them with such cunning effectiveness; all they could do was run. And they couldn't run forever.
And in the same moment it began, it was over; the fox pounced, his jaws closing expertly around the rabbit's neck. With a swift jerk of the fox's head, the rabbit's neck snapped, and its blood on the snow painted its violent end.
She felt sick. She had ventured out of her cabin for the first time since returning from her mission because she thought the fresh air might breathe new life into her lungs and give her the courage to move forward. It had done the opposite.
It took twelve days for her to recover, and in that time, a new scroll had appeared on her doorstep. Somehow, the council knew that Kano was dead and she was alive. Were they watching her? Did they see her stumble home in the dark that night, her eyelashes frozen together and her lips blue? Did they see her sob into her bed every night, her body shaking with grief and loneliness and fear? Or was there no one keeping an eye on her at all, and the scrolls would continue to come regardless of if she was there to collect them or if she was rotting in damp forest bed with maggots in her eyes? Some nights, she stared out into the unending blackness, wondering, with both hope and hatred in her heart, if someone was staring back.
Now, two weeks after her return, she sat at the rickety table, anxiously wringing her injured wrist and smoothing her fingers over the sinews, staring at the unopened scroll. Certainly it held a foe more formidable than the last, and more formidable than herself by an order of magnitude. Her initial disquiet had swelled into panic and it had no outlet; it settled into the pit of her stomach and made its home there, shivering its way into her muscles. She knew she was a rabbit. And she knew her days were numbered; death was coming for her, peeking its head around every corner, waiting for her to walk herself into his arms. Everyone else must have accepted her death by now. She was the only one left who needed to come to terms with her own extinction.
No. She shook her head. What would Tsunade say, to see her disciple wallowing in despair and self pity? Accept your defeats with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. That was what Tsunade had told her when she returned to Konoha empty handed for the fifth time, or maybe it was the sixth, trying and failing to bring Sasuke home. This was the time she had accepted that it was truly only Naruto who could bring him back into the light, and it was one of an insurmountable number of times that she had felt well and truly useless.
She slammed her hand down on the table. You are not useless. That was her biggest downfall, she knew - letting herself get inside her own head. She had to push her own mind to the side and lift her soul to the forefront and allow that to guide her - she did her best work that way. And she would do her best work now, god damn it, with so much on the line. The lives of her friends, the life of the man she loved, the life of her village. That was what she had traded for her own existence, and she knew it was worth it. She knew it was worth the hardship that it would be to endure this new life.
She wasn't really sure if she believed in an afterlife. When she was little, she had thought that souls must go somewhere, and they might as well go somewhere nice, like heaven. But after spending considerable time with Tsunade learning the ins and outs of life on a chemical level, she had started to see how life could just be one big accident. Regardless, if there was an afterlife, and if she did get to see her friends there someday, she was going to have been someone they could be proud of. She was going to have stories that left their eyes wide, and power that left them speechless.
She would have to become stronger on her own. She was the daughter of two shop owners in the civilian district; nothing had ever come easy to her, not when it came to being a shinobi, not when it mattered. Except walking up trees. But she didn't see how she was going to take years of being a support fighter into being a front line, offensive force by walking up trees.
Trees.
Trees….
She sighed, and looked up at the bare and cracking sealing of her hut. An old idea, one that she had entertained when she was younger and desperate for the kind of power that could bring her heart back home against its will, lifted its head and stretched its cramped wings. It had been unattainable and reckless then, and it was unattainable and reckless now. But now she had no teacher, no friends, no books, no other way to get the kind of power she needed.
Shikkotsu forest was a long, long way away, and she would not be able to find her way there on her own. After much hesitation, and hemming and hawing and trying to convince herself there must be another way, she bit into the flesh of her own thumb and dragged it across her palm, and on the bleached wood of the rickety table, she drew her summoning circle in fresh blood.
..
..
Sasuke was 12 again, or maybe 13. He didn't know. But he was wearing his old blue shirt, with the Uchiha crest on the back, and gray shorts, like he had in his childhood, and sunlight was warming his skin as he laid in the grass of the training ground. And his head was resting in her lap and she was sitting and looking at the sky; her hair was long, longer than it had been since he could remember, and catching the breeze. He reached up and carefully caught a few strands between his fingers; she was young again, too, wearing a red ribbon in her hair and a simple green dress.
"This is a dream, you know," she told him, in that know-it-all way of hers.
"I know," he said softly, and touched her cheek; he had felt it once or twice before, in the brief moment after the war where he was home and she was alive, and they had been alone.
"Did you ever want me?" she asked, and her voice was wistful, her hand covering his.
"I did," he said quietly. Here, he could say things he would never say out loud when he was awake.
She disintegrated through his fingertips, and suddenly, he was lying in a shallow pit in the woods, damp soil underneath him and the mottled light filtered through leaves dotting his face. He squeezed his eyes shut; he had been here before, he had seen this before. He dreamed it nearly every night. He knew exactly what was lying next to him, cold and rotting and pressed against his shoulder. He also knew he wouldn't wake up until he opened his eyes and faced her corpse.
When he woke up drenched in sweat, he did not move for several minutes.
How many months had it been? He had lost count. Some days he was fine, and he was almost a normal person. Other days, every thought he had was of someone he had lost, and every waking moment hurt his soul. He knew that today was going to be one of the latter. It might have been easier if he was allowed to leave the village, and put his mind and body to other things, but his probation was unending and bordering on imprisonment.
He sighed, and swung his legs over the side of the bed. No sense in laying there drowning in dreams anymore. It was several minutes past sunrise; the flower shop would be open, and in a few hours the training grounds would be full of genin trying to nail leaves to trees. Better to get in before that than to be gored by a well-meaning but poorly-thrown kunai.
When he left his house, the sun was no more than an inch above the horizon. By the time he made it to the flower shop, it was nearly three inches higher.
"Rough day, Sasuke?" Ino said from behind the counter, absent-mindedly arranging stems in a vase.
"Hn," he hummed, rubbing the petals of a lily between his fingers.
"Those are nice." She nodded towards a field's worth of chrysanthemums, arranged in vases and buckets. "Their season is just starting. Who are you visiting today?"
"Several people." He picked up two small bunches of the chrysanthemums and several stems of the lilies.
Ino frowned at the flowers in his hands. "Those aren't really the right selections for the message you are trying to send."
Sasuke shrugged. "How much?"
Ino sighed and sold him the flowers, with much frowning and lecturing involved from her, and much silence involved from Sasuke. On his way out, she handed him a single yellow rose.
"Give her this one for me."
Sasuke accepted it with a nod, and continued on his journey. The village was beginning to wake; lights in windows were turning on as he walked by, and the early morning fog had lifted several inches off the ground, starting its daily disintegration back into the air. It was a cold, windy morning. He didn't mind.
When he arrived at the gates of the cemetery, he had an ominous feeling that he was coming home. Here lay the bodies of all of those who had loved him, and who he had loved in return. His mother, father, brother, and all of his clansmen were lain to rest in the northeastern corner; Sakura was quite a bit more to the west, where those who had no clan to lay with, were buried.
He closed his eyes and imagined the wind was the hands of all of the people he had lost; Itachi at his back, pushing him forward; his father, hand on his shoulder, guiding him; his mother's hand on his arm for reassurance. And Sakura's fingertips lingered on his cheeks, reminding him that despite all he had done, somebody could still love him, somehow.
He walked to the large plot where his family was. He left flowers at the grave of his mother and his brother (after the war, Kakashi had decreed that Itachi was allowed to rest in the Konoha cemetery; although there was no body, it was enough for Sasuke); he knelt on the grass and rested his hand on the grave of his father, closing his eyes and remaining still for several minutes. This was his near-daily ritual, spending time with his family. He did not wonder if they were watching over him. He knew there was no point. For a long time, he was still.
Finally, he stood, and moved on. He would be back soon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe sooner. It's not like he could go anywhere else. The entire village had a worn track of his footprints, by now: home, flower shop, cemetery, training, hokage's office, market. He continued the beaten path onward, from his father's grave to hers.
But today, something was different: he wasn't alone. He was surprised to see a figure standing in front of her grave, wearing a green flak jacket, black pants and a frown.
Shikamaru was there, his arms crossed and brow furrowed. He was staring hard at her grave as if it was a game piece that he needed to move.
Sasuke paused for a moment, trying to ascertain what the appropriate action was. When he was young, when he'd had a family, he'd been raised with the utmost emphasis on manners and respect. He was a representative of the Uchiha, his mother had stressed. But for so many years, he had thought of nothing but himself, of nothing but his own comfort and sorrow and desires. Learning how to accommodate others and their emotions was coming back slowly, with concentrated effort.
People want you to talk to them, Sasuke. People want to accept you. But you have to give them a chance, a voice lectured in his head. He remembered her saying it, sitting on his floor some two or three weeks after he'd come home for good, after nobody would sell him anything in the market. She'd bought his groceries then; people were more than happy to talk to her. It seemed there wasn't a person in the village whose broken arm she hadn't healed or whose baby she hadn't delivered.
He sighed, for maybe the tenth time this morning, and walked to her grave with his hand wrapped around the flowers underneath his cloak. He stopped several feet from Shikamaru and turned to face the grave.
For several moments, neither of them said anything.
Sasuke cleared his throat. "Uh. Hello."
Shikamaru, started, whipped his head toward Sasuke. "Eh? What are you doing here? Did Kakashi send you here to bring me in?"
"No. I come here, uh, sometimes," Sasuke said awkwardly, aware that sometimes was an understatement. He brought the flowers forward, as if he needed some sort of proof.
"Oh," Shikamaru said, scratching the back of his neck, possibly embarrassed. "Me too. Well, not that much. It's kind of a long walk from my house. Kind of."
Sasuke dipped his head to acknowledge that he'd heard Shikamaru, and knelt to place the flowers at the headstone. He also plucked a weed that had started to grow.
"Hey, Sasuke."
"Hn." He did not turn around.
"I'm actually just now coming back from a mission. I got back this morning."
Sasuke nodded again, hoping Shikamaru would take it as an invitation to continue. His words often did not come out the way he had intended; he found it better to use them sparingly, only when absolutely necessary.
"Do you know anything about how she died?"
Sasuke finally stood and took a step back, still facing her grave. "Not any more than anyone else."
Shikamaru frowned again. "I kind of thought they might have told you a bit more. You know, considering."
Considering what? Sasuke wanted to ask. But he didn't; he kind of knew the answer. "Ambushed and killed. That's all I know."
"Right. Me too, and I totally believe it. But on my way back from our mission, we were passing by the place where she died. And I decided to stop, because I thought it would be worth seeing."
"At the edge of the country, right?" Sasuke said lightly, not sure when Shikamaru was going with this. Probably should have just left him to his own thoughts.
"Yeah. Well, I went to the exact spot where her file says she was killed, right? And… there was nothing there."
Sasuke frowned. "Were you expecting something?"
"No, Sasuke, I mean there was nothing there. Nothing out of the ordinary, just… just a normal patch of woods."
"Right," Sasuke said slowly. Shikamaru was probably just tired. And he had been friends with her. He was just trying to make sense of it all, like everyone else. Sasuke felt slightly pleased with himself for this newfound empathy and understanding.
Shikamaru shook his head. "I have to head back into town. But you should think about going. See if you know what I mean."
..
..
"You have to talk to him eventually," Hyuuga Hinata murmured gently, pushing her ramen around her bowl with a pair of chopsticks.
"I don't have to do anything," Naruto replied petulantly.
They were seated across the table from each other at Ichiraku, the afternoon sun resting lazily on their skin.
"You miss each other. It's been nearly six months since you've spoken."
"He doesn't miss anyone. He's heartless," Naruto grumbled, his mouth full. Hinata sighed.
"No he isn't. He needs you. You need him," she pushed quietly. She would normally never be so insistent, but she could see how the separation was frustrating both of the boys, even in her limited contact with Sasuke. After Sakura's death, they had hardy spoken - Hinata suspected they didn't know what to do with each other without Sakura holding them together, forcing them to see each other and facilitating conversations that did not end with broken noses or shouting matches. Shino and Kiba were the same way.
"Are you trying to get rid of me!"
"Of course not," Hinata stammered. "I just… I just think you both want to talk to each other. Just neither of you wants to be the first one."
Naruto pointed a chopstick at her suspiciously, his mouth full of noodles. "What's gotten into you today? You never do this."
She felt her face redden - after all these years she had given up on the reflex as being completely uncontrollable and had accepted that her cheeks would just turn red of their own accord, whenever they felt like it.
He squinted at her. "Tell me."
"I just… Excuse me if I'm overstepping. I just wonder how healthy it is. The way you're dealing with everything. Jiraiya, and Sakura, and Neji... It's been so long, and I… I just wonder."
"You're not overstepping. You're my girlfriend. But you're worrying for nothing. I'm fine."
"I know you're fine. But when Neji died, I… even now, sometimes, I… I just know that it's difficult. Nearly all of us have lost someone now… but you've lost so many people, and you've been so great and strong, but it's okay if you don't want to be anymore."
"I know, but I'm fine, really. Because I have you!" he grinned, and Hinata could tell that he didn't want to talk about this anymore.
"But who does Sasuke have?" She said gently.
Naruto groaned. "Why did you have to say that?"
..
..
Later that same day, several hours after Sasuke had come home and mulled over what Shikamaru had said and decided to drop it, and then pick it back up, and then drop it again, and then pick it right back up, there was a knock at his door.
Sasuke checked the clock on the wall. He wasn't sure why. It was strange for him to have visitors at all, regardless of the time. He opened the door without bothering to check the peephole. He could use a surprise.
Well. Maybe not this surprise.
"What are you doing here?" Sasuke frowned.
"Hinata made me." Naruto frowned back, crossing his arms.
"She made you," Sasuke said, raising his eyebrows in disbelief. The Hyuuga girl could hardly raise her voice above a whisper - much less make Naruto do something he didn't want to.
"Believe it." Naruto grumbled. "Can I come in?"
"I guess," Sasuke stood aside, opening a pathway into his apartment. "It's kind of a mess."
"You call this a mess?" Naruto pointed at a crumpled up piece of paper on the coffee table. "Are you being serious?"
Sasuke shrugged, leaning against the kitchen counter.
"You can't even walk in my apartment. Hinata refuses to go inside," Naruto grumbled.
"Hn."
"So, uh… what have you been up to? It's been a while."
"You don't have to do this. I'll tell Hinata you came over if she asks."
"I know I don't have to do it," Naruto bristled. "I'm just worried about you."
Sasuke snorted. "What else is new?"
Naruto narrowed his eyes. Sasuke knew it was not a fair thing for him to say.
"Have you left the village at all?"
"Not allowed."
"Not allowed to leave alone. You can leave if you have a chaperone. So what's the problem? Don't tell me you like it here."
Sasuke shrugged. "Nobody will take a mission that I'm on. Kakashi says people are afraid that I'm murderous."
"You were pretty murderous for a few minutes there. Back in the day."
"It felt like the right decision at the time. I already apologized."
"Hey, I'm not mad at you for it. It's not me you have to apologize to. So how do we make people believe you're not murderous?"
Sasuke raised his eyebrows. We? "I haven't been going around scaring little children or anything. I've been keeping to myself."
"Serial killers keep to themselves. Crazy people keep to themselves. You have to at least try."
"People prefer not to be bothered," Sasuke said, with a slightly haughty air.
" You prefer not to be bothered."
Sasuke shrugged. There was no denying this. They sat in silence for several moments before he spoke. "I talked to Shikamaru today."
"You did? That's a start. Shikamaru is great."
"He seems to think there's something weird about how Sakura died. He went to the place where she was killed." Sasuke said hesitantly.
Naruto frowned. "What did he say was weird about it?"
"That it was completely normal. Or something like that."
"He's a weird guy." Naruto said, but Sasuke could tell he was thinking. He knew that Naruto trusted Shikamaru with his life.
"If he went there all this time later, after it's been months… He couldn't expect anything, could he? What would you expect to see?" Sasuke asked hesitantly. He did not want to sound like he'd been thinking about it as much as he had been. It seemed unhealthily obsessive, even for him.
"Lots of stuff." Naruto scratched the back of his head. Sasuke could see the wheels turning in his head. Lots of stuff? What do you mean lots of stuff? Sasuke wanted to strangle him for his vague response. "I have to go. But I'll come back tomorrow. Try to interact with someone else before then. It's good for you. Believe it."
He left, leaving Sasuke alone in his apartment, simultaneously feeling more frustrated by an order of magnitude, and better than he had in months.
..
..
"Miss Sakura." The tiny slug bowed its head. "I had wondered when I would be hearing from you."
"Didn't you hear, Katsuyu? I died," Sakura said wryly, offering her hand to the slug. It wriggled into her palm and Sakura lifted it to eye-level.
"I had heard of your death, among other things."
"But you didn't believe it?"
"Humans are easier fooled than slugs; your energy remained in the air, although you have left home. We have been wondering what you had been hoping to gain from your deceit."
Sakura knew there was shame in her eyes, and she did not bother to hide it.
"But we have heard a great many other things, as well," the slug said gently. "Tell me, why have you called me here?"
Sakura squared her shoulders, and drew in a deep breath. "I want to go to Shikkotsu forest. I need to become more powerful. I, uh, I have... The village needs me to be more powerful. And I… I thought that I would ask you to bring me there, or just tell me how to get there, or, uh… something like that."
Sakura felt ridiculous. She knew she was ill-suited for what she was asking for; you were supposed to already be pretty powerful, before becoming a sage. And you were supposed to be invited, not ask to be invited.
The tiny slug cocked its head. "We had wondered if you might ask us this, when you first signed your contract with us. We had discussed it then. You wish to become a sage?"
"You discussed it?"
"Tsunade had told us you were more ambitious than you appear; she told us you could be a candidate, if you could master the seal and... In her words, 'get your priorities right.'"
Sakura smiled. "I can't believe she said that."
"She thought quite highly of you. Your death has stricken her quite a blow."
Again, Sakura felt it better to allow her silence to speak for her remorse and sorrow. She had often thought of how unfair it was to Tsunade, to let her think that her student was dead, after all of the losses she had suffered in her life. She often thought of how unfair it was to everyone she had known, all who had lost so many people already.
"I will bring you to the forest. But we have many things to discuss there first, before we decide if you may become a sage. There will be many questions, and many tests. It is a dangerous undertaking, for a human to come to Shikkotsu. But becoming a sage is nearly certain death," Katsuyu warned.
Nearly certain death was good enough for Sakura, who knew that her other option was absolutely certain death. She nodded.
"You would still like to go?"
"Yes."