IF Only Chapter 4, a castle fanfic

If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

A/N Caskett shippers hang on, the ride is about to get bumpy. Thanks for all of the support for all the writers.

Chapter 4

Previously

"Guys, I'll see you in two weeks, I got suspended for the LA caper"

"OK, see you in a few, wish we could say the same about Castle, but word is he quit because of this. So, have a good couple of weeks Kate," Espo's tone wasn't hateful, it was flat, no emotion like he just didn't give a damn one way or another.

"Hope you can catch up to him and talk him back Kate, but we all saw this coming for months, guess he just couldn't take it anymore." Kevin's tone was more empathetic, but not like her boys of old, another mess she made.

Kate Beckett's Apartment

Monday Day One of Official Suspension

5:30 AM EST

Kate finally got out of bed at 5:00 AM after tossing and turning all night, when she did sleep all she could dream about was a certain mystery writer and all of the missed opportunities she had squandered. He had always been by her side, even risking jail time to keep her safe, she finally began to realize men don't do that for women they don't love.

Now he was who knows where, and God only knows who he was with, with his wealth and charm, she had convinced herself he was not alone, especially if he was still in Vegas. She tightened the laces on her running shoes, grabbed her phone and small gun along with her badge, and headed out to run.

Running was what she did when she needed to clear her mind, and this morning she was a mess of emotions. What was it she was feeling for Castle? It couldn't be love, or could it, as she listened to her iPod suddenly the lyrics of the love songs began to make sense. Savage Garden's Truly Madly Deeper was playing and now she listened to the lyrics, perhaps for the first time, really listened to the words and their message.

"I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful 'cause I'm counting on a new beginning.
A reason for living. A deeper meaning."

WOW, was that what she wanted, was it what Rick was trying to get her to understand about how he felt? IF she were honest with herself it was exactly what she wanted, had wanted since college. Someone who loved her enough to put her first, before all others and everything else in the world, IF Only she hadn't been so stupid, or afraid she could have had it all with Rick, she's sure of that now.

The more she ran, the more the iPod sounded out songs of love, at first they brought a tear to her eye, finally to the point she was a bawling mess by the time she reached her apartment. She closed her apartment door and ripped the ear buds out, she couldn't take the songs mocking her anymore. She ran to her bed and did something she hadn't done since she was 10 years old, cried herself back to sleep.

Kate turned and found her pillow in her arms, grasped tightly, and wet from her tears. She had been dreaming of Rick and seeing him with someone else. She tried to call out, but no one could hear her, not even in the huge church where he stood at the altar with someone other than her, God she needed to get a grip as she headed for the shower.

The hot water beat on her till it began to cool, Kate stepped out and pushed, or tried to push anything to do with Rick Castle out of her mind. She dressed, and did her hair, then cleaned her apartment again. Finally, she searched for a book to read as the coffee brewed, and as she pulled out her selection, Castle's book came with it falling to the floor.

Looking down she could almost see those blue eyes that she missed so much on the photo from the back cover, but as she picked it up to place it back on the shelf, a dried flower fell out of it. God, she had forgotten that Castle had pinned a beautiful corsage on her as she arrived at the book signing. One of the million little things he did that she blew off, well tried to blow off, but had sealed a memory deep in her heart and mind.

She took a book about Russian Literature that she knew she could lose herself in, grabbed her coffee, and headed to the couch. A quick glance at the clock told her it was, WHAT, only 8:30 AM, this was going to be a long two weeks. Finally, she remembered that she had not checked messages since last night, although she didn't hold out much hope, she opened the phone to see one text unread.

Opening the phone, she saw it was from Rick, responding to her text, maybe he wasn't as upset as others thought. Her hands shook as she clicked on it to open, then tears formed as she read,

"Kate, glad to hear LAPD lied and got caught, but sorry about your suspension, not sure what or where I'll be, when the time is right, we'll talk. Nothing to be sorry for,

Stay safe,

Rc"

What did that mean, when the time was right, and he knew as well as she there were plenty of things, she needed to apologize to him for. The more she read it, the more she thought that she had done it, she wanted the pushy writer gone, well Congrats Kate, looks like you succeeded all on your own. The line that worried her the most was not sure where I'll be, meaning that she couldn't count on seeing him soon.

She pushed him away when he came to her with the new findings on her mother's case, it was wrong, but she punished him by banishing him for almost the entire summer. She paraded not one but two boyfriends that they both knew she had no intentions of anything meaningful with to what, hurt him, once again Congrats Kate, success again. The pain of seeing him walk away with Gina still hurt like an open wound, and now, well God she couldn't be too late, could she?

If she had to grovel too get him back them damn it, she would do it, she loved him, or at least she thought she did. What ever she felt, was a feeling that she hadn't ever felt before, and the lyrics to the songs playing now caused her to cry at a moments notice, and they made sense.

Grabbing her phone, she dialed his number, and like all the other times it went to voice mail, with a slight change. The greeting had been changed to

"You have reached Richard Castle, I will be unavailable for an undetermined amount of time and also slow to reply to text messages. Please contact my business manager and publicist Paula Haas for any immediate needs. Thank you for your call and understanding."

No more of that juvenile hey you've reached Richard Castle, lucky you, even his tone was serious, his voice deep and very professional. Something was going on with her writer, well he could have been hers, and she needed to find out quick before it was too late.

She typed out a text,

"Hey Rick, I know something has changed between us, you're far too serious, I want to finish that talk we started in Los Angeles, I should never have walked away, and if you're reading between the lines you're right, I want to talk to you face to face, Please, Don't shut me out, I am SO SORRY, for hurting you, I know I have, and now I am feeling what you have for years, Please Rick, Call Me, Please

Always

Kate XoXo"

She hit the send button, and breathed a silent prayer, he had never been a cruel man, but now she knew why he didn't return to New York, the pain she felt for just a day couldn't compare to the hurt she caused him. Now all she could do is wait, and hope he still felt the same.

Ricks Penthouse

Cosmopolitan Hotel, Las Vegas

6:30 AM Local Time

Rick was just returning from the gym and his morning workout, a routine he had fell into since checking in, and he was feeling much better. Alexis had Skype Called him earlier, and she was pleased with the increased exercise, and decreased alcohol.

"You look a lot better Dad, so whatever you're doing just keep it up" she had said. Truth be told, he felt better, and when he was working out, he wasn't thinking about any woman, especially one in New York.

He had spent a wonderful weekend with Darlene, dinner, dancing, in the evening after returning from rock climbing and some snowboarding in Red Rock Canyon. She was a very sweet woman, and after sharing her humble beginnings with Rick, a bond between them had been created. As Beckett had said about Kyra, Darlene was real, and yes, he did go for real, but she had business to attend to first, and he needed to be clear of baggage before entering into anything serious.

After a hot shower he had dressed and started to text Darlene about where she wanted to meet for breakfast when he noticed a text from Kate. What the Hell? He knew her free time from the suspension would make it much more likely she would try to contact him. He wasn't ready to talk to her yet, he hadn't built the strength it was going to take not to cave into one of her cries for help or apologies.

He cautiously opened her text expecting either a flurry of please come backs or stay the hell out of my life, with Kate you never knew which side you were going to get but the time stamp on her text told him she wasn't sleeping, not a good sign.

Always

Kate XoXo"

Oh god, Oh God, it was worse than he thought. She had never sent a text with a signature of Kate XoXo meaning hugs and kisses. It was more like you touch me and I'll shoot you arrangement for the last few years.

She wanted to finish the talk, well the moment for sharing his heart, his feelings and his love was gone. It was as if she threw cold water on him when she ended the first real communication between them in months by saying she had to go.

He would have understood if she were still a couple with Josh, but he was free as was she and both were consenting adults. She ended the moment because she didn't feel what he felt, that was apparent when he had made one last plea calling her name, to receive the "Good Night Castle", not even Rick, back to Castle.

Rick closed his eyes, and looked upward, What was he supposed to do, could he believe her now after so many times of finishing second? Was the gain worth the pain, or was the possibility of something with Darlene, far less complicated, and much easier to read worth waiting for. He finally decided, he wanted to see what would come of his friendship, and yes that's all it was, until she was free from her vows of matrimony.

Rick would never, and it pleased him very much to hear Dar tell him, no matter what, how bad, or how much she wanted him, she would not break her vows even to a man who had already moved on. These were her vows, and it was her morality that kept her true to her words.

Once again, he wasn't angry at Kate, but he was frustrated that the only time she seemed to reach out to him was when he had the balls to walk away. Previously she called and he came running back, but this time, well this time was different.

He knew he had to word the text carefully, or it would do more harm than good, he didn't want to rub it in her face, but he did want her to know that she had the wasted the chance she was asking for several times before.

"Dear Kate,

I got your text, and honestly, I'm surprised. The message you sent me in LA was very different than the words that this text conveys. You say you want to finish the talk, yet when I called your name that night, you replied, Good Night Castle, not even Rick, back to Castle again.

I don't know exactly what you mean by reading between the lines, too many times I thought we were on the same page to be left disappointed and hurt, so no I haven't a clue what that means in your world.

I'm not shutting you out Kate, you never took the time to come into my world, so you are in the position you placed yourself so many times before, even though you were welcomed with open arms and the Red Carpet treatment.

Again, there is nothing to be sorry for, you didn't feel as I did, so there is no anger, no hurt, nothing for you to feel badly about. I'm sorry if you are feeling what I felt, (or what you thought I felt) I truly am, but there are limits to how much anyone can take before they must say enough, it's self-preservation.

Anyone who has heard no as many times as I would have given up the quest ages ago. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic who has been hit with a jolt of realism and have finally accepted the fact that you can't make someone care for you when they don't. That's OK, and part of life we all have to accept.

You asked me to call, I'm sorry Kate, I am not calling YOU or anyone, we have had plenty of opportunities to talk, and had you thought your feelings were this pressing we would have, but something or someone else always had a higher priority. I said when the time is right, we would talk, well the time is no where near right as I write this.

I'm not sure where your XoXo are coming from, I am truthfully more accustomed to hearing "touch that and I'll shoot you", or "Can I shoot him now", than for you to display hugs and kisses on your name. Have you ever once told me or shown me this emotion in person?

If I know you like I think I do, you will find something in yourself to blame for this situation, there's nothing Kate, Not your Fault, the timing wasn't right, the Universe for us was not in alignment, or a thousand other things, but don't feel guilty. I'm sorry to have been such a persistent Ass, trying to make you feel a way you obviously never will, so it is I who apologize,

Please take care of yourself, stay safe, you'll always be someone special in my life,

Rc"

Rick is unaware that over 2,581 miles away Kate is watching the bubble on her text to him flicker as his response was being composed. Finally, what seemed like an eternity to Kate the phone chirped with the new text arrival sound. She can hardly wait to read it, Rick would understand, he would make things right, that's what he always did.

Kate has read the reply thoroughly for the third time, and half box of tissues later it is dawning on her what Royce meant, If Only.

TBC