If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 11

A/N OK grab the tissues, this chapter made me tear up, and I wrote the darn thing. Remember I too, am a Caskett shipper, but as life takes time, turns and twists, so will this story.

Previously

"Rick, Let's compromise, we'll work on the plans for an hour or so, then you take me dancing again, I haven't had a partner that didn't step all over my feet since 6th grade" she laughed as she saw that big smile come back.

"You got it, I love dancing with you, and that band is back tonight, the one we loved the other night"

*************************************************************************/

Kate Beckett Suite

Later that Night

It was a long elevator ride back to her suite, as Kate replayed the major events through her and Rick's life since they had met. The first time he really did save her life, staying adamant about having the wrong killer in the Tisdale case, the abuse, and yes it was abuse from both her and Sorenson, then how she punished him for an entire summer of no contact for looking into her mother's case and finding three more families that needed the justice she was seeking for her own.

As she thought, she felt more and more ashamed of how she had treated him, but she couldn't figure out why she did it? He had done nothing but love her, provide for her, and do his best to keep her safe. Her thoughts go to the day he was about to leave for England, but stayed, and who could forget how she felt seeing him kiss Kyra Blaine. In all she hadn't learned a damn thing, or she would be his partner if not his wife by now.

She had ordered a bottle of Vodka and a large Cranberry juice before she left the bar, and it was waiting for her as she entered her suite. She dug into her suitcase and pulled out her writing pad, and her good pens. This was going to take a personal touch and although electronic was faster, she opted for the old-fashioned way, it somehow let her release her emotions as she wrote.

Well here goes she thought.

"Dear Rick,

I know I'm the last one you expected to hear from, probably the last you wanted to if we're both being honest. Just to be honest from the start, yeah, I know novel concept for Beckett, I am here in Vegas, at the Cosmopolitan. You gifted me the travel certificate for Christmas last year, it wasn't used as I led you to believe, but Thank You, it allowed me to fly here, and to try one last time to see you face to face. We both know there are many things I owe you an apology for, and much more I want, and need to tell you, if you will grant me one last chance to talk to you, face to face."

I know of your situation, in fact I've seen you since I arrived earlier today, Darlene is lovely, and she has done something I never could, make you happy. Your smile gives you away, Rick, I'm not sure if I'm too late, and if I am, I'll leave you to her to be happy. God knows that's the least I can do to try to begin to repay your kindness.

Speaking of kindness, you'll never know how much it meant to me for you to accompany me to Los Angeles, and I know I made it appear like I always did but Rick, I really don't know if I could have saw it through without you by my side. God forbid, I'm not sure I wouldn't have pulled the trigger if you hadn't been there, and I know you did it because you love, well loved me at that time. You put your whole life on hold for me, to chase revenge, justice, depending on the moment for a man you knew I once loved.

I understand now how hard it was, and why you did it, but when you stepped away to allow me to pursue other people, it doesn't matter which one, just that I see what and why you did what you did. I'm sorry for calling you names and blaming you for not caring. You did just the opposite, you stepped aside to allow me to be happy with someone else. This is hard to write, but if Darlene is your happiness, just tell me, and you'll never hear from me again.

I listened to a song tonight, well it was by accident but it's lyrics could have been written with you and I sitting in the room. Part of the lyrics were;

You made up your mind it was over
After we had come so far.
But I think there's enough pieces of forgiveness.
Somewhere in my broken heart.

I would not have chosen the road you have taken.
It has left us miles apart.
But I think I can still find the will to keep going.
Somewhere in my broken heart.

Rick, I never told you, but I hope you knew, I love you, I've loved you for a long while. I spoke to a therapist about why I treat you the way I do, the most reasonable excuse, and anything I say or write is just that an excuse, there is none that would forgive my actions towards you was a fear of being hurt if you left me, like when I lost my Mom.

I understand why you left the way you did, I'm sure you saw our experience in Los Angeles as an opportunity to talk about us, and I ran, like I always do. What you don't know is that I came back just as your door was closing, yes Rick, I wanted to start our relationship because you're worth any pain that may come with it, BUT I was too late, that night, but I'm hoping I'm not too late forever.

I should have walked to your room, and told you what you mean to me, what you have meant to me even before I met you. My Mom read your books and after she died, your books were the only connection I had to her, I read each and every one over and over and every time I did I got hope from your words and kept the connection to her open. I guess I was afraid that if I started up with you, and lost you, it would be like losing her all over again.

Rick, when you left me at the gate to come back to New York by myself, and shrugged off my hug, and wouldn't give me any details, I knew I had finally done it, I crossed that line where you had enough. Your text mentioned self-preservation, and I understand now, but I miss you, I miss us, I miss what we could be, and I'm so sorry for causing you the pain you endured. Please believe me, I would take every instance back if I could.

I know how stupid that may sound to you, sometimes I have trouble understanding it myself, but I am opening my heart and telling you how I felt, honestly and truly. You'll never know how badly I hurt when you walked away with Gina last summer, yeah, I know you invited me, and I turned you down.

What you don't know was I broke up with Tom to ask you if the invitation was still open, when Gina appeared. That's why everyone treated you so badly earlier this year, I'm sorry for that, you did nothing wrong. I guess they named me Super Bitch last summer, and Captain Montgomery came close to suspending me.

You were easy to blame, because no matter how badly I treated you, the next morning you would be back with the coffee, and smiles. I came to look at those coffees as our good morning kiss, or you saying I love you, I know stupid, but Rick, I had you and didn't have to risk my heart, so I thought.

When I saw the pictures of you and Kyra, I cried, I know I had absolutely no claim on you, but I hurt worse than when Sorenson moved to Boston. You were right, I did target her because I was jealous, I should have just told you the truth, but I lied like I always did.

You never knew I went to the bathroom and cried when you came into the station to discuss we were looking in the wrong part of the case of the Spy game, you only had one coffee, and my heart felt like it was ripped out through my shirt.

I know I was with Tom and had lied to you, once again hurting you more and more, but I felt you slipping away from me, and the worst part, I drove you away by lying and taking up with someone to make you jealous. Yes Rick, you were supposed to get jealous and fight for me, not give him an open lane. I wanted to hear those words so badly, that we were an item, and I know it was I who had given you every sign in the world that we were NOT and never would be, just my stupid wishes, I'm so sorry Rick, more than you'll ever know.

That's why I'm asking if there's enough forgiveness in your broken heart, to meet with me for a little while. I know you don't owe me anything, and honestly if you had hurt me the way I know I hurt you I'm not sure if I could stand to hear one more thing from my mouth.

Rick, please think about the things I have written, every word, sentence paragraph is the truth. If you love Darlene, and are happy just say so, and I will step aside. If you will, I would like to see you, to apologize face to face or say one last goodbye based on your answer,

Please text me if you are willing to meet me the time and place that you choose, and I'll be there, just know I love you with all of my heart and I always will, regardless of what happens. I'll understand,

Yours Always,

Kate,

XoXoXo

Yes, I Do want to hug and kiss you and I love you, KB"

She dabbed the tear drops that had fallen on the various pages as she wrote, place the letter in an envelope and called Dan Tanaka's phone number. When he answered she explained she had just one request, to hand deliver a letter to Rick, not just to his room but to him in person.

Dan knocked on he door about 10 minutes later, nervous, but professional, inquiring how she was enjoying her stay. She set him at ease with a huge smile and thanked him for his thoughtful welcome gifts. She asked one last favor, text her when he had delivered it to Rick, and Rick only.

Dan assured her he would take care of it personally, and quietly left her suite.

True to his word, Dan went immediately to first Darlene's Suite, not receiving an answer there, he knew where to look next. As he approached Rick's suite, he heard them behind them, Darlene laughing and carrying her heels, Rick gently guiding her with his arm around her waist.

They walked past Dan, then Rick turned,

"Dan, how the heck are you my friend, I'm sorry, we had a great time in the Crystal Lounge tonight, so almost didn't recognize you."

"No Problem Rick, I have something I promised to hand deliver to you, as he handed the envelope to him, as Darlene looked on in surprise, "Something wrong Rick?"

"It's Kate's handwriting Dar, can we go in and open this please, that lady on the 47th floor was Kate," he was almost panicked.

"Dan, can you confirm that Kate Beckett is here,"

"Rick, she arrived yesterday afternoon using a gift certificate you had purchased last year for Christmas presents. She wasn't a problem, and I didn't know your history, I'm sorry if this has caused you concern."

"No, No Dan, it's fine, please be sure she gets what she needs, please, just like any guest of mine"

The look of relief on Dan's face spread quickly. "Of course, Rick, Have a good evening" and he was gone, and at the same time a simple text had been sent to Kate, "Package Delivered, DT".

Darlene had her arm around Rick, and then took charge,

"OK Rick, We're going in and I'm going to stay with you till I know you are OK, that letter is your business, but you are my best friend, and I'm not letting anything happen to you, so come on, as she opened the door, Rick following almost in a trance.

"Rick sit, I'll get you a cold water, now relax sweetie, I'm right here, right where you need me, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Dar, Please open the letter, please?"

"Are you sure Rick?"

"I'm sure"

Darlene is very careful as she opens the letter and only sees "Dear Rick" before she hands the envelope and contents to a man who looked like he had seen a ghost,

"Don't go Dar, Please, sit here with me"

"Right here Rick, Always,"

Rick closed his eyes and took a deep breath then took the letter out,

TBC