If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 12

A/N OK grab the tissues, Another Tear Jerker.

Previously

"No Problem Rick, I have something I promised to hand deliver to you, as he handed the envelope to him, as Darlene looked on in surprise, "Something wrong Rick?"

"It's Kate's handwriting Dar, can we go in and open this please, that lady on the 47th floor was Kate," he was almost panicked.

"Dan, can you confirm that Kate Beckett is here,"

"Rick, she arrived yesterday afternoon using a gift certificate you had purchased last year for Christmas presents. She wasn't a problem, and I didn't know your history, I'm sorry if this has caused you concern."

Rick's Penthouse

Immediately After Delivery of the Letter

As Darlene turned on the lights, and retrieved a cold water, Rick was sitting in the same position as he was when she had first helped him into the room, just staring. Whatever had happened to him and Kate Beckett, had done some colossal damage to this sweet man. As she looked upon his sad face, twisted in thought as he stared out the double glass doors to the balcony, she became angry. Something she seldom did, but Darlene Sipos Marzano Sipos was boiling now.

She could see the sadness and hurt in Rick's blue eyes, and she was at a loss of what to do to help him, so she did what came, naturally. She sat on the couch next to him, pulled him into a tight hug, as she rubbed his back gently, and whispered her assurances that she was right there beside him, and would be for as long as he needed or wanted her.

She felt a sense of concern for him that she had never felt for any man before, and it hurt her to see his pain. She was worried as she began placing butterfly kisses on his temple, slightly rocking and hugging him tight for several minutes till he finally started to come out of the almost trance like state he had been in.

He turned his face to her for a moment, and although his eyes were dry now, the tear stains on his cheek, let her know just how deeply this was impacting him.

"Rick, what can I do, please tell me, I don't want to overstep, but I'm worried about you."

After a few moments of silence, she heard his voice, "Will you please stay, and read the letter with me, and before you ask me, I'm sure."

She pulled back slightly, still holding him in both arms, his eyes locked on hers, and before she knew it, she was kissing him, deeply, shocked at first, he returned the kiss with the same gentle love. It wasn't the passionate take me to bed kiss, but more like I love you and I am here for you type, to assure him he wasn't alone.

"I'm sorry Rick, I shouldn't have done that, I mean we ar*"

"Didn't you like it, because I did. I'm not sorry Darlene, we kissed, nothing more and to tell you the truth I know we're in love with others, but it felt damn good to be kissed by you"

"Rick, I don't want to start something I can't commit to, and reading a letter from the woman you're in love with, is not the time to start our next chapter"

He starts to laugh, then the laugh gets louder and harder till tears are coming out of his eyes.

"Why are you laughing so hard Rick, it wasn't that funny, was it?"

"Don't you see Dar, I love Kate, You love Wayne, Kate loves who knows besides herself, and Wayne loves Steve, if we don't laugh, we are going to have a breakdown."

Darlene had enough alcohol in her to finally see the irony, and her anger now turned to a soft laugh, but soon she was laughing as hard as Rick was, trying to picture how the hell would some poor writer capture these emotions in a story.

"Can you do me one favor before we read the letter Dar?"

"What can I do for you, just ask?"

"Will you kiss me again, just to remind me that someone does love me, even if they're not in love with me, no tongue, I promise"

She smiles, blushes then proceeds to kiss him for almost a minute and a half, no tongue but her lips were so soft on his, and he felt her confidence enter him like she was with him to face anything.

"Ready now Rick? I never said I didn't like it, maybe I liked it too much and we have to take things slow. Let's get this out of the way as she gives him one quick lip smacker kiss and rolls off to his side on the couch."

"Ready, and you're right, I'm sorry, (pause) no I'm not I liked it and we're both single and hell junior high kids do more" as the smile returned.

"Letter Rick, Now," as Darlene gives him a look he hasn't seen before and is sure he doesn't ever want to piss her off.

"Can you read it with me, or how do you want to do this?"

"It's your letter Sweetie, what works for you?"

"Sit right here, if I start to lose it, stop me, and then we'll pick it up when I recover, OK?"

"Sounds good, I'll be right beside you, just like I promised." As she looks into his eyes once again locking on them, but this time there is more confidence and strength.

He spreads the 9 pages out, smooths them from the envelope folds, and then insures they are in right page order, satisfied, he takes a deep breath, and said, "Ready"?

A nod of her head and they began to read the first page silently together.

"That was a very nice Christmas present you gave Rick,"

"Yeah, she was dating a doctor, and when they went to Bermuda, I assumed she had used the certificate, guess she held back on it"

"Rick, what does she know of our situation, and where did she learn it from, I mean everyone knows we're friends, actually best friends, but how does that get all the way back to New York. She got one part right, we do make each other smile, even laugh through some tough times"

"Remember when Alexis told you Paula had the paparazzi handled, I guess a few pics made the NY Times, so everyone now thinks we're the next Brangelina."

"Really, I thought that would have all gone away in a day or so, people actually live by those articles?"

"Yep, and that's what I meant by you need to be protected now, as soon as they get wind of your status, all kinds of crap will be getting printed"

"Rick, I know you told me you stepped aside, but the way this is written it looks like she tried the flavor of the month club to hurt you, and you kept coming back. Sweetie I'm sorry I didn't mean for that to sound so mean"

"No, you're right, and it took me a while to notice it, Alexis picked up on it and really gave her hell a few times, but I always caved. In fact we were in LA, on a rogue mission to try to solve the homicide of her former Training Officer, we did, and just for a moment I thought we were connecting but as she said in her letter, she ran, like always."

"Rick, I know we said we're not doing anything but, I have to tell you, YOU make me happy, and I hope I do you. If that ever grows into being in love I don't know. I do know that I love you and I won't stand by and let anyone hurt you like this ever again."

"And I'm supposed to be the wordsmith, I love you too Darlene, but I'd be lying to say my heart was free to give to you. No woman has ever made me happier to be with than you, and you know I will do anything it takes to keep you safe, Right?"

She leans over, cups his face and kisses his sweetly on the lips, again no tongue, that would have to wait till this mess was straightened out. If she thought Wayne and her divorce was complicated, that was child's play to this mess Rick and Kate were in. She turns her phone over and hit's play for Rick to hear the song Kate had reference, it just happened to be one of her favorites and she had it downloaded.

Rick sat, listened to the music, as the phrasing of the words, fit the melody, it was different, almost like it had been recorded 20 years earlier. The simple guitar, and Billy Dean's voice, made each lyric so poignant, a tear appeared in Rick's eye, which he quickly wiped away.

"Dar, why do you have such a beautiful song that is so sad in your library of music, if I may ask"

A small tear appears in her eye, "Because in High School I dated Tom,a sweet boy for three years, he was in a band, and totally faithful to me. All the other girls would lie and say things, but he was true to me. One day he came to my house after a meeting with the band, and he wasn't the same, he was sad. I finally got him to tell me that he was quitting the band, they were offered a record deal and would start on tour in two weeks as the opening act for a National Act.

I wouldn't let him quit the band, that was his whole life, but he wouldn't take no for an answer so I did the only thing I could, I broke up with him and he went on that tour. About a year later I heard that they were coming back to Cleveland, so I went to see them.

He had written a very sad song, similar to this song for me, "Where's the Good in Goodbye", I didn't think he knew I was there, but he mentioned me, not by name, but as his only true love that was in the audience.

They left before I could get backstage to talk to him, and Tom died two months later, and the last song he ever wrote was, "Hurt's my only memory of You". So, when I heard this song, I cried for weeks, then I faced it, and knew that I had set him free, and he flew to where he knew who he was.

Wayne was my first serious relationship since him, and if he hadn't ended it, I know sooner or later I would have. For the first time since he passed, you and your situation has helped me realize that I need to get over him, more so than Wayne. I need to set me free, like I did Tom so many years ago. Here's us years ago," as she pulls up her screensaver photo, of a much younger Darlene, standing with her hand on the chest and her head on the shoulder of a young man, dressed in a suit and tie, and every hair in place. He looked so young, but you could tell they were in love.

When she finished speaking, she turned and held Rick, tightly and sobbed, for Rick, for Kate, and for what might have been, if only. Rick held her tightly, fighting back his own tears, and thoughts of Kyra, without her mother's interference who knows where he would be, again, If Only.

A few minutes later, she looked up into his eyes and kissed him sweetly,

"Thanks Rick, I haven't been able to talk about that in over ten years, it really felt good to get it out"

"You're welcome love, I know what you mean. Kate wasn't my first although she's hurt me more than my first true love Kyra Blaine and two ex-wives."

"A Rose for Ever after" right, Rick I cried all the way through that book, it's one of my favorites."

"You Cried? It wasn't supposed to be sad?"

"No but the story of your breakup that was publicized later on was, and I cried for you both."

"I guess you really are a huge fan, that was only on the website for a week before I made them take it down"

"Rick, I want to ask you a question, you don't have to answer if it's too personal, but what was your relationship with Kate? I mean it sounds like she was getting ready to jump your bones in that Los Angeles Suite, I'm sorry that's crude and none of my business"

"Honestly, you and I have kissed 11 times, which is ten more than Kate and I have. The one kiss we did have was a ruse to get past a lookout when our partners were being tortured. We never spoke of it afterwards, and I never got that vibe she described in her letter from her when I was there. We had one moment where I thought she would open up, but she withdrew and went to her room"

Darlene looks at him, with sad eyes, "So now what Rick, do you see her, she did come all this way, or do you send her back to New York with no answers? I know how much this means to you, and really, I think I need to leave you to decide. I'll be upstairs one floor away if you need me, call me and I'll run down the steps, OK?" as a tear drops from one of her eyes.

"Hey, Best Friends for now, Right? Let me work this out, we'll see where things go for us then, OK? He takes his thumb and gently wipes Darlene's tears away. "I promise, as soon as I know we'll talk, OK? I need you Dar, I know this is going to be hard no matter what and I have to be able to lean on my best friend"

Darlene, strengthens herself as she stands, taking Rick's hands in hers, "And your best friend will be here for you, I promise. One question, then I promise I'll let you get to it"

"What is it, Darlene,

"Has it really been 11 times we kissed?" she smiles,

"Not anymore, gotta make it an even dozen" as he kisses her with the slightest bit of tongue this time and she can feel her toes begin to curl, damn that man can kiss,

"Call me, I'm good with whatever makes you happy, just do something you can live with Rick, please"

A/N Some of the events are based on Real Life Experience with names changed to protect the guilty. Please no bashing of Darlene and Rick who are consenting adults who have done Nothing wrong

TBC