If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 13

Previously

Darlene looks at him, with sad eyes, "So now what Rick, do you see her, she did come all this way, or do you send her back to New York with no answers? I know how much this means to you, and really, I think I need to leave you to decide. I'll be upstairs one floor away if you need me, call me and I'll run down the steps, OK?" as a tear drops from one of her eyes.

"Hey, Best Friends for now, Right? Let me work this out, we'll see where things go for us then, OK? He takes his thumb and gently wipes Darlene's tears away. "I promise, as soon as I know we'll talk, OK? I need you Dar, I know this is going to be hard no matter what and I have to be able to lean on my best friend"

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Rick's Suite

Cosmopolitan Hotel

Later that Day

Rick had called Darlene, just to be sure she got into her suite safely and told her he thought he was going to answer Kate's letter point by point so it might take a while. She agreed it was a good approach and he could list the pros and cons of each of his decision options, to see which made the most sense. God she was smart as well as beautiful, right before he hung up her heard the crack in her voice,

"Darlene, if you want me to, I will tell her right now to go back to New York and take our chances, whatever you want, I don't want to hurt you for anything."

"It's silly Rick, it really is, just my insecurities, but I want to ask you something, please?"

"You know you can ask me anything, you're my best friend in this world"

"Well, I know you're going to see her, don't ask me how I know, it's a women thing, but please Rick, when you do, uh I well", then all rushed out in one big word "PLEASEDON'TKISSHERPLEASE "

Rick strained to make out the last word, as he mentally sounded it out,

"Darlene, did you just ask me Please don't kiss her, Please? Because if that's what you asked, I promise you, I won't. To prove it to you, you can come with me, IF I see her or you can set up a spot where you can see everything I do. I don't want to be that guy on page six for you, I want to be like your Tom if that makes sense."

"How do you do that as he hears sniffles over the phone, Just when I think I can get through a conversation with you without being more amazed at your compassion, you go and say something like that, Rick, that was the sweetest thing you've said to me, I trust you and really I have no hold on you, well at least not yet."

"You know what I like, I mean from all the things you just said?"

"What"

"The Not Yet part, because that tells me I'm not wrong to trust my heart, finally. I'm not pushing, sorry, but that made me happy Dar, so very happy. Not yet, yeah I can live with that"

He can't see but Darlene is one floor above smiling and twirling her hair, hoping that her heart is leading her the right direction as well.

"Hey, get to your letter, if you're not done by dinner, I'll come get you for a meal break, OK?"

"That's great Love, Thank You, I mean it, Thank You for being you, talk to you soon, "

Rick pulled out the letter, this time with a great deal more confidence than when it was first delivered, it was a sucker punch and brought him to his knees. It seemed like every time he was putting some space between him and Kate, she would reel him back in somehow. Well this time he was going to go about it point by point, and not in a cruel way, which wasn't him.

"Dear Kate,

As you can tell I received your letter, Dan hand delivered it per your instructions and yes it was a shock to know you came this far. I'm glad you finally found the Christmas gift useful. I want to respond to your letter, and the only way I know is open, honest and as kind as I can be. I won't lie Kate, this hurt is one that cut me in pieces, and there's a lot of healing that needs to be done, not even considering anyone else beside you and me.

As far as apologies, I have already told you there is nothing to forgive, it's all in the past, and I can't see one useful purpose, other than to hold it over your head, which is exactly what I don't want.

I'm not sure you really do know of my situation, and not being rude, it really isn't any of your business. Thank you for the compliment for Darlene, and agreed she's a beautiful woman, inside and out. She does make me happy, happier than I have been in years so if the smile is your indicator, kudos to you Detective, you got that one right.

You're welcome for the trip to Los Angeles, although I'm not sure I was as helpful as you remembered it, the important thing is that Mike got justice and you didn't do anything stupid, well more stupid that taking off in the first place. I'm sure Montgomery is getting his pound of flesh for that, and I'm sorry that you have the suspension to serve.

My resignation was long overdue, the incident just made it prudent to submit it now, it was nice to be vindicated and Seager get a taste of his own medicine.

I'm not sure what path my life is going to take now, so there is no reason to return to the 12th precinct, or to consulting for Police at all anymore. Once again you mentioned Darlene, and Detective, I would really appreciate it if you kept the correspondence between Kate and Rick. I don't ever remember asking for details for your suitors and their intentions, so the answer is we are happy, that's all you need to know for now.

I know that last comment may sound a bit rude, but excuse me, I get a letter special delivered to my suite yesterday from a few floors down to advise me of feelings you think I know you have for me. I don't know how I would have known or even suspected you had feelings for me, the closest we came to a real conversation was in the suite at the Four Seasons.

When I called your name the hardest blow you delivered was your comment, "Good Night Castle", after the week we had, you felt so much for me that you couldn't use my first name, as I did when I pleaded for you to turn around. I'm sorry that you opened the door too late but isn't that the story of our time together. As for being too late forever Kate, again my life and plans are in flux, BUT low on the list is a return to New York and my past life.

Thanks for letting me know about your Mother, and I'm sincerely grateful you found some comfort in my works. Also, thanks for explaining the deep freeze I got when I returned to the precinct, earlier this year, I have to admit, that is one of my biggest disappointments of all the time I spent there.

I had been told by alternate sources why even the Captain seemed angry and it was National Kick Kastle month at the NYPD, once again a LIE, your LIE, started a chain of events that I eventually paid the price for, Not your finest hour but as I said, it's in the past, gone and forgotten.

The Captain has also apologized in private, but the lack of professionalism, not even considering what I considered friendships was just one more determining factor to leave for the west coast once I knew your mission was over in Los Angeles.

Do friends treat friends the way those loyal to you treated me? Not hard to evaluate that one Kate, even for you when you have your blinders on. You mentioned the case with the Spy Game, that entire series of episodes with Demming are days I wish I had never met Kate Beckett or created her alter ego Nikki Heat.

You have went to great length to explain your pain, your desire, your love for me, yet all I read is words, Kate, and with my profession words are worthless, unless they are supported by fact, or a great plot line. Since life isn't fiction, that leaves us with facts, actions or deeds, and I can't remember one supporting action for your words I love you. If you wanted me to tell Demming we were an item, you would have made sure we were, other than your words "touch that and I'll shoot you", or "you can watch Castle".

The beautiful thing about memories or recollections, we can shape them into how we wanted events to have occurred, rather than how they really did. As I read your letter, many of the events have different story lines than the ones you describe, but that's not important anymore. It's the past and will stay in the past.

You asked a question, "Will I see you to talk before you return to New York?" Well I have an answer of a Conditional Yes, with these conditions,

No Hugging, Kissing, or any physical contact. You can present anything you would like for 30 minutes without interruption, then I'll take up to thirty minutes to ask any follow up questions that I may need clarified. If it sounds formal and organized, it is by design Kate. All to often we have started to talk to be interrupted by things from both sides, this time, we have the open lane as you described.

I'll warn you this Kate, some of the questions I will ask will be direct, to the point, and will require yes or no answers so if you still want to meet face to face under these terms, we can meet tomorrow at 1:00 PM Local Time at the Crystal Lounge, here in our tower, the same one you were at last night.

I've asked Dan to return this reply, just as you used him to reach me. If you want to meet Text Meet Yes nothing more to my number and I will meet you tomorrow, if you don't agree with the conditions, enjoy the remainder of your stay, and safe travels Detective,

Rc"

Rick called Darlene, there is no way he was going to let this letter go out without her seeing it and knowing where he was coming from. She was at his door 5 minutes after he called,

"Rick, this is a tough letter, are you sure you want to send it this way? I mean it's your friend, and I can see the hurt in your eyes, but do you think she will understand some of your points. Her letter was full of me, me, I, my, and this is so factual, almost like a corrective action plan."

Rick smiled, "God I hadn't heard that since Quantico, I mean when I visited my friend there" as he tried to cover a fact not yet in evidence.

Dan stopped by picked up the letter and gifted Rick and Darlene dinner for two at the new exclusive restaurant just opening on the 5th floor, called The Q including reservations in 45 minutes.

"Rick, one question, and please tell me the truth, how much influence did I have in your letter to Kate? I don't want you to blow up the bridge, you should be trying to patch."

"Truthfully, you had a great deal, you gave me the courage to demand to be treated better, I had lost sight of my self-worth. If you're asking did I answer Kate's questions thinking you and I were a done deal, No, absolutely not. They wouldn't be fair to her, you or me. You gave me the strength to be Rick again so I'm in your debt.

She reached up, pulled him down for a sweet kiss, this time the tongue was initiated by her, then she broke apart, leaving him speechless.

"Rick, we've got a reservation to make" as she flashed that beautiful smile, God this is going to be fun he thought,

A/N Please don't bash the letter, it was written from a man who had been played like a cheap guitar and had finally regained his manhood to answer back to some of the hurt he had been dealt. It was not meant to vindictive, cold yes, but vile no so please temper your comments if you are a Beckett or Caskett Shipper as I am.

TBC