If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

A/N In spite of warnings, I get the messages of hate, remember please I am a Caskett Shipper as well, BUT not every story is condensed into 48 mins of air time and all go home happy at the end, that's just not life. Hold On, it will be a ride, but better days will come, just not as soon as I am being shouted at to do.

Chapter 14

Previously

"Rick, this is a tough letter, are you sure you want to send it this way? I mean it's your friend, and I can see the hurt in your eyes, but do you think she will understand some of your points. Her letter was full of me, me, I, my, and this is so factual, almost like a corrective action plan."

Rick smiled, "God I hadn't heard that since Quantico, I mean when I visited my friend there" as he tried to cover a fact not yet in evidence.

Dan stopped by picked up the letter and gifted Rick and Darlene dinner for two at the new exclusive restaurant just opening on the 5th floor, called The Q including reservations in 45 minutes.

*********************************************************************************/

Kate Beckett Suite

47 Floor Cosmopolitan Hotel, Las Vegas

8:45AM Local Time, Next Day

Kate had just returned to her room after her visit to the gym, like everything at the Cosmo as people called it, it was top notch. She had showered and dressed for a casual day, waiting to hear from Rick, if he would answer at all.

Dan had texted her that he had delivered the letter, so she was sure he had received it last night. She was at his mercy now, and it didn't feel good having to wait, not knowing, if or when, another emotion she had put Rick through.

As she was sipping her tea, coffee just didn't taste right, even the expensive blends left her with a bitter taste, and glancing at the paper when her phone rang in the room. It startled her, and when she picked it up, it was Guest Services, verifying she was in her room, there was a delivery for her. Less than ten minutes later she heard a knock on her door, and peeking out she could see Dan.

As she opened the door, she could tell he was a bit upset, and started to think what she had done to rattle him.

"Miss Beckett, Rick has asked me to hand deliver his reply to your letter, and I must say when he saw your handwriting it came as a shock to him. You weren't forthcoming and truthful about the reason for your visit, keeping the information from Rick, and shocking one of my best friends as well as this hotel's elite guests.

You should have been honest with us, at least to let us know there was more than just a surprise visit. You placed me in a very precarious position, which made not only myself, but two other guests quite uncomfortable. I will not be part of this, whatever it is, so please enjoy the remainder of your stay, Rick has asked that I continue to be your concierge, which I agreed to do, for Rick, but I will not get involved with matters of the heart anymore. Is there anything I can do for you today Miss Beckett?"

"No, Dan, and I apologize for placing you in the middle of things. You're right, I hadn't thought it out, it was selfish of me."

"Apology accepted Miss Beckett, enjoy your remainder of your stay and please call me if I can assist in any other way," as he turned and walked quickly away.

Kate was truthful, she hadn't given it a second thought how her surprise, or pursuit of Rick could be viewed as even stalking in some states in the worst case, best case it still put a strain on those not involved with her and Rick's situation. She had set her sights on making Rick hear her, and everyone else be damned. Typical Beckett behavior she thought, and now she held the envelope.

Her hands began to tremble as she traced his bold, distinctive handwriting, Detective Kate Beckett, was on the outside of the envelope. Oh God, this didn't sound like it was going to be a good letter, his reference as Detective always meant he was putting distance between the two as individuals.

She began to open the envelope, then stopped, walked over and poured a large measure of Vodka into a drinking glass, adding only enough cranberry juice to color the liquid. After taking two healthy swigs, she began to relax just a bit, and slowly made her way to the couch with the reading light on. Her hands once again fumbled but her nail found one open space and began the slow painful process of separating envelope from what could hold her future.

Finally, the letter was free, Rick had chosen to reply to her using a personal handwritten reply but used the hotel stationary that was complimentary to his room. As she took a deep breath, she unfolded the 5 sheets of paper, and smoothed them on the small coffee table. She didn't dare look at the first page, not yet, she reached and took the last drink for courage and then sighed, "this is it, good or bad." As she read, the tears began to fall,

Her eyes darted to some lines in the first paragraph, I'm glad you finally found the Christmas gift useful, want to respond to your letter, and the only way I know is open, honest and as kind as I can be, there's a lot of healing that needs to be done, only then did she allow herself to go back and read the first paragraph in it's entirety.

The wording of as kind as I can be set her expectations that this was not the response she had been praying for, she wasn't sure what the remainder contained, but that one line stood out, it didn't fit Rick's style. He never had to mention or draw attention to his kindness, it was just him, through good and bad he was always the kindest man anyone could know.

The next paragraph once again reinforced Rick's text, that although he was hurt, there were no apologies needed, he had already forgiven her. She breathed a sigh of relief with the words, and I can't see one useful purpose, other than to hold it over your head, which is exactly what I don't want, but that relief was short lived as her eyes travelled down to the next paragraph.

The first words she caught were it really isn't any of your business, how many times had she told him that, not as politely as he had but still she could hear her words come echoing back to her, and they hurt like hell. The sword twisted in her soul as she read. She does make me happy, happier than I have been in years so if the smile is your indicator, kudos to you Detective, you got that one right. Once again, he had referred to her as Detective, not Kate, not even Beckett, but her official tittle letting her know how he viewed her as he wrote.

Even worse, he had put on paper his profession that Darlene made him happy, and the time frame of years was not lost on her that it matched the time they had worked together.

Through tears she read the next paragraph completely downplaying his role, and how vital he had been in solving Mike's murder, not to mention keeping her from perhaps committing a crime that would definitely had ended her professional career, if not her life.

Kate knew him well enough to understand the sincerity in his line, the important thing is that Mike got justice. He had been with her from the beginning and knew how important Mike had been to her, hell she had been in love with the man. That had to be a very bitter pill to swallow for Rick, but he was there having her back just like always.

More tears flowed from her eyes as she continued to read about his resignation being overdue, his path in life now uncertain, and perhaps the hardest line yet, so there is no reason to return to the 12th precinct, or to consulting for Police at all anymore. Not only had he decided to leave the 12th, but also his involvement in assisting the police at any location.

This had been his zest for life, his reason to seek the truth, and inspired more of his words to flow through his books. Now those words could be forever muted, and Kate felt a huge responsibility for being a major player in that decision.

She reeled a bit when she read Detective, I would really appreciate it if you kept the correspondence between Kate and Rick but thinking about it, he was right. She flaunted suitors in front of him, but not once had he asked their intentions, so what gave her the right.

She did notice that whenever she brought Darlene's name up, he was quick to defend her, even cutting Kate like a knife with some words. Once again, he had called her Detective, putting the space he desired between them, if only on paper.

She dried her eyes, and pressed on, determined to finish the letter, even if it killed her or she had cried her last tear before she completed it. The hurt he felt was reflected directly back to her as she read When I called your name the hardest blow you delivered was your comment, "Good Night Castle", after the week we had, you felt so much for me that you couldn't use my first name, as I did when I pleaded for you to turn around. I'm sorry that you opened the door too late but isn't that the story of our time together. As for being too late forever Kate, again my life and plans are in flux, BUT low on the list is a return to New York and my past life.

Once again a flicker of hope ignited within her as she read his thanks about her Mom, but the flicker was overcome with a tidal wave as she continued on to I had been told by alternate sources why even the Captain seemed angry and it was National Kick Kastle month at the NYPD, once again a LIE, your LIE, started a chain of events that I eventually paid the price for, Not your finest hour but as I said, it's in the past, gone and forgotten.

She was no longer crying, but sobbing almost uncontrollably now, because as awful as the words were to read, she couldn't imagine having to live through the days being treated so unfairly, and never knowing why. Had he truly put the lie and it's fallout in the past, and forgiven column, Kate knew she needed to talk to him and apologize face to face, if not for him then for herself.

She stopped for a moment, walked to the counter and refilled the vodka and cranberry drink once again, this time using the largest glass. Taking a gulp helped some, but she would have needed an IV of the solution to get through the next part. The friends not treating friends was hurtful, true, but still hurtful.

She began to read the line about the Spy Case when her eyes jumped ahead and she read, that entire series of episodes with Demming are days I wish I had never met Kate Beckett or created her alter ego Nikki Heat. How could he write that, or even think it, then the memory of the mocking, taunting and public affection display came rushing back to her and she almost lost her breath, the pain was so deep.

How could she ever had done what she did, no wonder he pulled away, but it took him almost 9 more months to finally reach the breaking point, proving that he had her back in the toughest of times. His text summed up his reasons the best, it truly was a self-preservation move, she could see she was killing him slowly and painfully with her actions.

She was almost too emotional to continue but she saw there was only one final page left, pushing on she read the remainder of the letter, including the final two paragraphs, I'll warn you this Kate, some of the questions I will ask will be direct, to the point, and will require yes or no answers so if you still want to meet face to face under these terms, we can meet tomorrow at 1:00 PM Local Time at the Crystal Lounge, here in our tower, the same one you were at last night.

I've asked Dan to return this reply, just as you used him to reach me. If you want to meet Text Meet Yes nothing more to my number and I will meet you tomorrow, if you don't agree with the conditions, enjoy the remainder of your stay, and safe travels Detective,

Rc"

She pulled her phone out before she could second guess or blame him for anything and sent the text as instructed, "Meet Yes" and hit priority send on her features option. Less than 5 minutes later she received a short reply, "Meeting Confirmed, Tomorrow 1:00 PM Crystal Lounge Rc"

It was going to be a long day today, and an even longer night. 1:00 PM tomorrow couldn't come fast enough in some ways, yet in others she wished she could slow time down, because if he really said goodbye tomorrow, she wasn't sure how she would go on,

TBC

Once again, this was emotional to write, as I'm sure it will be to read, please hold the bashing of Kate, Rick, Darlene or me till you allow the story to play out.