If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 17

Previously

Darlene sensed the change in him immediately, "Rick, what time are you seeing her? Remember why you walked away, and you never cheated on her, this is not cheating on her. I know it makes you sad, but you deserve to be happy, and right now I am just over the moon that it is with me. I'm here for you, and I will be till you no longer want me, or I no longer breathe."

"How do you do that? God, I have to be really careful around you or I'll be in trouble all the time" Rick flashes that genuine smile.

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Crystal Lounge

Cosmopolitan Hotel, Las Vegas

12:55 PM

Kate had struggled through her morning, applying enough makeup to conceal the bags under her eyes, she hoped, he used to notice everything, but that was before. He probably didn't even care now, so she had worked on some note cards to keep her on track, given the structure of this meeting. She thought she would be the first to arrive but when she stepped up to the podium, a young man asked Miss Beckett?

She nodded her head, and he replied, "Please follow me" as he led her to a private room where Rick was waiting. He looked good, he had lost about 15 pounds, and toned up, and something else was different, he wasn't so edgy, but seemed relaxed and confident. He had acted like a cat on a hot tin roof the last few cases they worked.

As she approached, he stood, and motioned for her sit across from him, the young man pulled her chair out and assisted her, then asked politely, "Can I get you anything to drink Mam?"

"Hot tea with honey please, lemon on the side"

"Yes mam, it will be right out to you." He started to ask Rick, and stopped as Rick waved him off, and placed his hand over his glass.

The silence between the two of them was heartbreaking, former partners who had talked about everything and anything all that remained now was silence. The tea arrived and was placed in front of Kate, who acknowledged with a Thank You.

She cleared her voice, knowing that Rick is not going to say anything until she did, after all, she could have cancelled this meeting, but there were things she wanted to say, and in her heart she knew he didn't want the relationship to end badly.

"You look good Rick, looks like you've been working out."

"Thanks and yes I have but I don't think you flew 2,000 miles to compliment me on my workouts, what do you want to say Kate, just let it go, like I said I won't interrupt for 30 minutes, the floor is yours."

"OK, you're the master of words so here goes. I know I have written you I'm sorry for all the things that happened, and as you pointed out in your response, the ownership was mine, for those I ask you to forgive me. Saying I'm sorry as much as I have in the last few weeks, just cheapens how truly bad I feel.

I read your responses, every word, and as hurtful as they were, I couldn't rebut them because they were true. I don't think I ever even thanked you for the Christmas present, I do remember I told you I don't take vacations Castle and tossed the certificate in my drawer. That was childish, and hurtful, please forgive me.

The trip out here, Dan and this hotel have really helped me get through the suspension rather than sit at home and deal with the current events with you and Darlene. I think she's a very lucky woman, and I won't lie, I know that should surprise you, I still wish it were me. I understand why it's not, but one question I have to know before I go, is why did you choose last night to become an official couple?"

Rick sits in silence, writes the question down on a pad, and looks up at her to continue, he was serious about this format.

"When I was called in front of Roy and the Chief of D's from LA and found they had forced you to resign my heart fell into my stomach. I know I had said more terrible things to you and told you to go home, but the truth is, when they told me that you were gone, I wept. Rick you're the best partner I have ever had, and even though any chance of a personal life with you is destroyed, would you consider coming back as my partner? I need you, and so does the team.

You totally dismissed all the hard work, connections, and ideas you had, without you I would never had caught Gantz and Royce's murder would probably have gone unsolved. I want to tell you how hard it was to walk away from you in that room that night, and my calling you Castle rather than Rick didn't enter my mind that it would hurt you so badly, I'm sorry for that, but I've even more sorry that I didn't knock on your door and just have my way with you, the way I had dreamed it for years.

The next morning you had shoved it off, or so I thought, and I just let it go away, let all the bad just go away, don't deal with them, just ignore them as I always did. I knew something was bothering you, but I had no idea you were so hurt, so much in fact you left me to come home alone. I was sincere when I told you I missed you, I missed us, and what we could, well could have been now.

I know you're happy, and I'm happy for you both, really (she had expected some reaction from Rick, but he sat stoic in the same position as he had started) although I have to go back to New York and do what you have done. I need to evaluate my life choices and see what changes I need to make to make me happy, well as happy as I can be now.

As you pointed out, I didn't send you one message, one sign that there was hope or interest on my part in developing what I wanted with you, I loved you but I was afraid, and now my worst fear has come true, I've lost you because I was too blind to see, to suborn to listen, and to cold to let my heart tell me, how did you put it, The heart wants what the heart wants, well I'm too late for that

You also said that my letter was full of empty words, and once again, you're correct, because I know if I had given you one chance to climb those walls around my heart, it would be me by your side, but if only can only go so far.

Mike Royce wrote me a letter, the one that Lanie gave me at the crime scene, I wish to God I had read it to you or with you now, even Mike knew of your love for me, and just like I know you, he saw past the charade and called me on it.

I emailed a copy to you, read it or delete it, your choice but I wanted you to know that I thought I had showed you in some ways, but looking back, I see now they were more to hurt you or make you jealous than to show you I loved you, for that I will forever be sorry,

You mentioned one line that truly broke me, I have to ask, did you really mean what you said about the time and cases with Demming that you wished you had never met me or created Nikki Heat? I knew I hurt you, but Rick, you have to believe me, I never intended to or even knew you felt as bad as you did, Please forgive me.

Rick, You'll never know just how important a man you are to me, I can never explain it, and God knows I sure as hell can't show it, but for the first time in years, I found a reason to put on makeup, to style my hair a little better, to actually start to learn to love again. I fucked it up royally with the Assholes that I played games with, but you did teach me something I will forever be grateful for. That the heart does want what the heart wants.

Today I can tell you I wish you and Darlene the best of luck, I'm pulling for you both, because I want one thing to come from this conversation, I want you to be happy, even though now I know it won't be with me. You'll always be my partner, no matter where you or I go, and I'll always have your back. Should someday you find yourself needing a friend, just know I will always be there for you. If I could undo the last 32 months, and start fresh, I promise you, you would have no doubt of how I feel, but **** If Only", as a tear forms and she looks away,

Rick sits for a few minutes, very quiet, he hasn't moved since they sat down.

"Kate, I know this isn't easy for you, well it's worse on this end, because I have been on your side for the last three years, waiting on you to throw me a scrap of love to hold on to, a glimmer of hope, and every time it was dashed with someone you viewed as better for you than me. It hurts, and it's the last thing I wanted to do, but life and love suck sometime and there's nothing you can do about it. Just know that I have forgiven you and all the others of everything that has hurt me, and I ask the same of you, Please forgive me as well.

Each morning I would bring you a coffee just to see a smile, be it ever so brief on your face, and you were right, they were our kisses and I love you' s but I never knew they were rescinded, I only thought it was my idea. The Christmas present you mentioned, what hurt more than your flippant response and not saying Thank You, I don't think you even knew the value of the voucher till you used it to come here, was the fact you deliberately led me to believe you and Josh had used it to do the deed the entire week in Bermuda.

That was a low point for me, I had just financed the trip for the woman I loved and her on again off again, Super Surgeon, Motorcycle Riding Cowboy to go fuck their brains out for a week in luxury, what a loser no matter how you looked at it. I realized then that I needed to get some of my pride back, but you would call, and I would cave, every time, almost like you had me under your spell.

You asked a question about WHY last night was the night that Darlene and I announced our coupling, the honest answer is, I told her she would know when it was the right time for her, I admitted to her from day one that you owned my heart and she needed to give me time to get over you, if she couldn't do that then there was nothing for us.

Well, the more time we spent together, the less I thought of you, and last night she said was the first time I felt fully committed to her, so she wanted to move on it. This isn't easy to talk about, and like I said, I never asked about Sorenson, Demming, or Josh, mainly because I didn't have to. You never knew how many times I was the butt of a put down, a joke, or a crude remark, and I swore I would never flaunt something in your face. I have no desire to hurt you Kate, truth is, yes I still love you, but it's gets less and less each day."

Kate turns her head, but Rick knows she is crying, as he hands her his handkerchief, then pauses for a moment, and begins again,

You asked would I consider coming back even though our personal life is over, and the short answer is no, I have moved on to another project we'll be announcing soon. Nikki Heat will get one more book, I bought out my contract, so you won't have to be embarrassed anymore.

As for my contributions to the investigation in Los Angeles, it could best be described with I know a Guy, which eventually led you to Mike's killer. I am glad I was there to keep you, or at least make you think twice about pulling the trigger, that's not what Mike would have wanted as your TO you were taught better.

You mentioned re-evaluating your life and goals, I know I have gotten calls from the mayor, Roy and Commissioner Boyle about how stable you are to return to the force, watch your self and keep your cool, even though I'm not there to take it out on, get a copy of a book jacket and take it out on my picture, you have made some enemies with the brass and you need to watch your ass, big time.

Thanks for the wishes with Darlene, I'm not sure where it will go, but for today she knows my baggage and wants to be with me anyway, I wish you the same happiness as well with who ever you find to share your life with.

I think I will just file your email with the letter from Mike, that chapter in the book has closed for us, and no use in trying to go back and re-write it.

You asked the question, and I'm sorry the answer I must give will hurt you. Yes, I did wish I had never laid eyes on you or created this "extraordinary" female Detective, because of the hurt YOU allowed to happen Kate.

If Tom were your guy, I could have lived with that, but to flaunt his super knowledge of criminal justice system and telling me I could watch as you two got your groove on in the interrogation room was more than degrading.

He's not a real cop, Nancy Drew, and several other barbs were thrown not only by Tom, but Espo as well, and I kept waiting for my partner to show up, to keep the work environment professional if nothing else, (long pause as Rick collects himself) she never did. What was worse, she joined in, so yes Detective it was at that time that I truly and honestly had wished I never heard of or met the magnificent Kate Beckett.

It was insulting and embarrassed me in front of many of the Detectives who came by and privately apologized for your crudeness. Detective, I was your partner, if not your friend. You reached an all-time low in your ability to totally disregard the feelings of others during those cases, and your PDA, initiated by you in the stairwell hurt more than you'll ever know.

I never knew about you breaking up with Tom, I'm sure that went over well with him, and I didn't replace you with Gina, there was no you when you refused and lied to me. It was a desperate measure by me, a desperate man trying to get your attention. Once again failing and upon returning treated like shit by everyone because I hurt you, if that wasn't the pot calling the kettle black.

Gina went with me, to meet her boyfriend who owns a beach house three streets away and checked in on my progress during her two weeks' vacation. She was in the city and back at Black Pawn before the month was over. She actually saw you and Lanie out at one of the clubs, and I cut her off during a conversation, I didn't nor do I want to now know about that time period, I blocked it out, in order to forgive you, so it's over and done.

I told you to be prepared for direct questions, Are You?"

Kate looks up through Red Eyes and whispers Ask Away.

"Why were the others good enough Kate, and to you all I wanted to do was notch you on my bed post? Why and how didn't I prove my worth to you?"

Kate never paused, never stumbled, "You did every day, it was me who was the coward to take a chance."

"Lies Kate, Why was I always the receiver of or the one reaping the fall out from a lie you told"

"Truthfully, the only answer I can give you was you were the only one I cared enough about that could hurt me, so I lied to keep you from trying, Stupid even my therapist said so, but for now that's the best answer I can give"

"Last question Kate, and please think about this one real hard, I know your tell for lying and we have had enough of those to last us both a lifetime. Ready?"

She nodded her head, not looking up to show Rick her tears,

"If I told you that Darlene and I were not a couple, and the only way you and I could be one would be for you to quit the force and your Mom's investigation, Would You?"

She looked up through tears in her eyes and whispered, "I can't Rick, I just can't."

Rick paused, let her compose herself, and then said, "That's the real reason Darlene and I are a couple, she gave up everything to be with me, sight unseen, and you are still hanging on to a quest that is going to get you killed, or you'll wind up a lonely old lady someday all by yourself, think about that Kate.

Your answer was what I thought it would be, Darlene asked me last night if I wanted to wait, and I told her you would never put anything or anyone ahead of the quest. I was right, so with that, I think we've come to the end of the discussion,

Anything else you want to say?"

She couldn't get any words to come out, so she just shook her head no,

"Well like I said, my future is in flux, plans being worked on every day, so I'm not sure when or if I'll see you again. I hope you have a safe trip home, and say goodbye to your friends for me, they truly weren't mine when push came to shove."

"Take care of yourself Rick, can I give you a hug goodbye?

"You take care of yourself as well Kate, I think we're good with this" as he stuck out his hand to shake hers

"Will I see you in New York Rick"?

"I'm not hiding Kate, but there's no reason to come to the precinct, nor do I care to see "my friends" there, so tell them all goodbye for me, it was an experience,"

"Goodbye Detective"

"Goodbye Rick"

Both turned to leave but as Kate turned back to get her purse and turned back again, Rick had disappeared, taking a private elevator leaving Kate alone. As she walked to the elevator bays she looked up and realized, If Only was now just part of her history, everyone tried to tell her, but she would have to re-group and go on. Time marches on,

TBC

Perhaps the most difficult chapter I have ever had to write, so if you're still with me, Thank You, there's a lot more of the story to tell. To the reviewers mentioning about non Caskett, the story isn't done, save those remarks till I mark it complete, Please