If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 18

Previously

"If I told you that Darlene and I were not a couple, and the only way you and I could be one would be for you to quit the force and your Mom's investigation, Would You?"

She looked up through tears in her eyes and whispered, "I can't Rick, I just can't."

Rick paused, let her compose herself, and then said, "That's the real reason Darlene and I are a couple, she gave up everything to be with me, sight unseen, and you are still hanging on to a quest that is going to get you killed, or you'll wind up a lonely old lady someday all by yourself, think about that Kate.

**************************************************************************************/

Rick's Penthouse

2:15 PM Same Day

Darlene is waiting for him as he opens the door, sitting quietly on the sofa with his drink, slippers, and soft music playing in the background. He crosses the room, kisses her sweetly, and whispers, "It's Done"

"Rick, if you would rather be alone, I will understand, I know each of us deal with these matters of the heart differently, so please just let me know where you need me to be"

He looks up with tears in his eyes, and pats the sofa next to him, "I need you here, beside me and I don't need to be alone. I feel sad for Kate, even though she hurt me, I know most of it was because she just didn't stop to think. She's really a great person Darlene, I mean*"

Darlene gently puts her finger to his lips, "Shhhh, you don't have to justify to me anything Sweetie, I know she's a wonderful person, or you would never had fallen in love with her if she weren't."

A sad smile comes across his face, "You're something you know that, I mean here I sit going on and on about a woman that you know I was in love with, and you comfort me, not throw a jealous fit."

"That comes later, and you're in love with her still, just takes time for our memories to replace those. Now after you have time to get her out of your system, I'm typically not the jealous type, if you love me, it will show in everything we do but I don't share Love, or Physical intimacy with anyone." As she kissed him sweetly.

Kate Beckett Suite

2:25 PM

Kate had known it was coming but to hear the words, still broke her heart. She had just about cried herself out of tears when she realized she was still holding the handkerchief that Rick had handed her. She gently raised it to her nose, and yes there was the smell, Rick's cologne scent she longed for so many days in the precinct. She carefully folded the hankie, and placed it in a plastic baggie, sealing it from outside elements. Deep in her heart she knew this was as close as she was going to ever get to the man she loved again.

She had spent the night packing, and re-packing just to give her something to pass the time, so she was ready for a late checkout at 9:00 PM tonight, oh God seven hours plus to go. She flipped on the TV and once again the station playing sad songs came on, damn the hotel, didn't they know she was heartbroken.

She was just about to flip the channel on the remote when a song came on that caught her attention. It was a remake of an old song from the 60's when Motown was in its heyday that her parents had played when she was a kid, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted, only this time it was performed by a group from closer to her generation. As she listened, the words hurt, but also gave her a resolve,

What Becomes Of The Brokenhearted

Jimmy Ruffin

As I walk this land with broken dreams
I have visions of many things
But happiness is just an illusion
Filled with sadness and confusion
What becomes of the broken-hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Maybe

The roots of love grow all around
But for me they come a-tumblin' down
Every day heartaches grow a little stronger
I can't stand this pain much longer

I walk in shadows searching for light
Cold and alone, no comfort in sight
Hoping and praying for someone to care
Always moving and goin' nowhere

What becomes of the broken-hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind
Help me

I'm searching, though I don't succeed
But someone look, there's a growing need
Oh, he is lost, there's no place for beginning
All that's left is an unhappy ending

What becomes of the broken-hearted
Who had love that's now departed?
I know I've got to find
Some kind of peace of mind

I'll be searching everywhere
Just to find someone to care
I'll be looking every day, I know I'm gonna find a way

Nothing's gonna stop me now
I'll find a way somehow
And I'll be searching everywhere
I know I gotta find a way
I'll be looking

She remembered as a kid, her Mom would play this song, mostly when her father wasn't home and the one time her Dad heard it, he questioned her Mom.

FLASHBACK Katie Becket Age 13

"Still haven't gotten over him after all these years huh Jo. I'm sorry you had to settle for the consolation prize, but I loved you even when I knew you loved him." As he sadly walked away.

Kate had stopped in the hallway, she had never heard anything but blissful romance from her parents, and to hear this, well it just wasn't her parents. She hurried back to her room and stayed quiet till her Mom came up to check on her.

"Mom, why do you play that song about the broken heart, the one that makes Dad so sad?" she asked innocently.

Johanna, replied, "Sweetie, I don't play it to hurt your father, I just play it somedays to remember my early life, when things were different, and I felt so free. I'm sorry you heard that, but there was a boy that I liked very much, but it didn't work out. I met your father, fell in love and then we had you, so who could ask for more?

Kate, looked into her Mom's sad eyes, and sad, "But you never stopped loving him, did you Mom?"

Her Mom looked at her, "Katie, you never forget your first true love, even years later. It doesn't mean I love your Father any less, it's just that special part of my life, well it was shared with someone before I met him."

"Sounds like you were Dad's first love, so I'm sad that you couldn't find each other before you fell in love for the first time."

"Sweetie, that's a beautiful thought, but life doesn't let you choose your moments, you have to take it day by day and when you find someone who loves you as much as your Father loves me, you hang on to him, never let him go. Men like your father don't come around often, so never waste the opportunity to love someone who loves you,"

"OK Mom, I think I have a few years for that,"

Johanna laughed, "Quite a few years if your Dad has his way, you're his little girl and always will be, Good Night Katie"

PRESENT DAY

Kate smiled and a tear came to her eye, recalling that day, one of the beautiful moments she had shared with her Mom. Too bad she hadn't remembered her advice earlier, but now all she could do was wish them well, and start to rebuild her life, one day at a time.

He cell phone rang, and as she suspected it was Lanie,

"Hey Lanie, how are things in New York," she answered

"We're all fine, the big question everyone wants to know is, how are you? Did you get a chance to talk to Rick? Tell me he's coming back, and things are going to be like they were before, please"

"Let's take those questions one at a time, first off, I am fine, well not really but I'm better than I thought I would be. I had some time to cry last night after TMZ, so pretty much cried out now. Next question, yes Rick and I talked, in fact we just finished our talk about an hour or so ago, and no Lanie, he's not coming back, and things will never be like they were, I'm sorry."

"Kate, I'm worried about you, it's not like you to*"

"To sound rational, and resolved to move on and wish them well? You were expecting the vindictive bitch side of me plotting to foil their relationship whatever way I could?

I don't blame you I had those thoughts but Lanie, he is happy, truly happy so how can you love someone and want to hurt what they love, he would never do that to me.

I know he loves me, he's just falling in love with Darlene more and more each day. I haven't met her, but I've seen her up close a few times, and she is more beautiful than the pictures portray.

The big thing was Rick was calm, confident and very polite in our talk, he could have really laid the guilt on me to make me feel worse than I do, but he didn't. In fact, he wouldn't allow me to go there either. He made it a point to ask my forgiveness for his wrongs, so it wasn't like the lamb led to slaughter, and the things he said, needed to be said. They were hurtful sometimes, but always the truth."

"Well he didn't say goodbye to the Boys, Captain or me, What's with that? Rick was always polite even on days where, well you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do Lanes, remember when he left for the Hamptons with Gina last year, and all you hated him for it, well it was my lie that caused that. It's a long story, but Rick was hurt, especially at the Captain, and you three, who he labeled as "My Friends, loyal to me" who really let him have it when he came back. Hell, Ryan took a shot at him, claiming it was an accident, but I was there. I think he was angry at Rick and wanted to scare the hell out of him.

He was treated badly and the sad part, Gina went to see her boyfriend that owned a house three streets away, Rick just didn't want to lose face by walking out of the precinct alone after I had agreed to go with Tom, I fucked up big time Lanie, so we really do need to apologize to Rick, I mean all of us.

His words were, tell your friends goodbye for me, I have had enough of their friendship towards me, and Lanie think about what he did for all of you, never even had to ask he just did it,"

Kate hears sniffling on the phone,

"Lanes, are you OK? Why are you crying?"

"You're right Kate, Rick took care of us all and we treated his absolutely awful, others may not have known of your lie, but I did, and I was one if not the worst. I'm so ashamed, I wish I could say I'm sorry, better still I wish I could take it back."

"Well, that ship sailed for us all, he doesn't even want to talk about the days at the precinct, the hardest part I had to hear was when he described the time Demming was with us. He told me he wished he had never heard of Kate Beckett or ever created the alter ego character Nikki Heat, so I have to live with that. Everything he said was true, Lanes I hurt him so much, I never even thought, but he insists he has forgiven us all, and moved on like we should do."

"Kate, I have to tell you, you're handling this better than I thought you would, I'm proud of you girl. Your entire Precinct family is meeting your plane tomorrow for breakfast then the Captain and the boys are heading out, they just want to make sure you're OK"

"Thanks Lanes, maybe on the outside, but on the inside, I want to die, I know I have to move on, and do what Rick did for almost three years, live with the hurt that I caused. Maybe someday I can find someone who I won't totally mess up a loving relationship with.

It's not necessary, but I appreciate the support, just tell the guys, I don't want to talk about Castle, and they are not to say one bad thing about the man, I'll kick their ass since I'm still on my time till Monday."

"Will do Kate, we'll see you tomorrow morning, and Kate, I'm sorry for what that's worth."

"I know Lanes, it's on me, thanks for trying to get me to see the truth, IF only I wasn't so stupid and stubborn, I'll see your guys tomorrow, Thanks for checking up on me, Bye"

Just as she hangs up the phone there is a knock on the door ***

Kate Beckett Suite

4:55 PM

Kate peers out the security lens, and can't believe her eyes, as she opens the door, there stands Darlene, just as pretty as she has been all the times, she's seen her.

"Hi Kate, I know you may not know me", *

"Hi Darlene, I know who you are, would you like to come in"

"I wanted to speak to you woman to woman for a few minutes if I may, if this is too upsetting, I can leave, I don't want to cause you any more pain."

Kate shows her into the living room area and asks her to sit,

"Can I get you something to drink,"

"No I'm fine but thank you very much, I know this is awkward, well it sure as hell is for me, but I wanted you to know that I didn't steal Rick from you, but now that we're together I do love him, and will do anything to protect him.

I'm sorry you are hurting, I've been there, and Rick is feeling absolutely devastated that you are hurt."

"He's that way, Darlene, he takes on the weight of the world, trying to fix everything for everyone, if that's a character flaw, then it's a good one till he puts too much pressure on himself.

I know you didn't steal him, and seriously, when we talked, I could see his old smile the real one, not the fake press smile, meaning you make him happy."

"Thanks Kate, I know he loves you, probably always will, and I won't ever try to take that part of his heart, it's yours and will be forever. I just wanted to tell you, I do love him, more than anyone I've ever known, and I'll do all I can to make him happy and keep him safe.

Part of that is I want you both to feel comfortable if you see each other, there's no reason we can't all be in the same room if the occasion arises, I mean you've been part of his family and I don't want to be the reason that ends."

Kate is shocked, at the compassion and empathy of this woman, "Darlene that is very kind of you but I'm not sure Rick feels the same way, I mean I hurt him so badly, how could he ever forgive me for that?"

"You said it yourself Kate, he takes on the world trying to make everyone happy, that still includes you. I know that it's not traditional for two women who love the same man to get along, but I would like to be friendly if not friends.

We share a common interest, we both want what is best for Rick. He has forgiven you, when he told me I thought the same thing you are thinking, now, yeah right, but somehow, some way that man has so much compassion for others he can't hold ill will, no matter if he tried, he's just too kind."

"Darlene, I agree, I don't ever want to cause one moment of hurt for Rick again, God knows I've caused a lifetime already, I do want what makes him happy. That's you, you make him happy and if he had to love another woman, I'm glad it was you."

Darlene blushes, "Thanks Kate, We still don't know where this is going, I mean we love each other but there is so much to figure out, we're just going to take it slow as a couple and let it develop from there."

"You're too kind Darlene, you skirted the real issue, you are giving him time to put his heart back together, the one I stomped all over, and for that I thank you, especially allowing him to hold a piece of me in his heart, God knows why he would want to, but Thank You.

You know when I first saw you, I thought it was your beauty that Rick was drawn to, but I see now, it's your compassion and empathy, yours matches his."

"Actually Kate, I made the move on Rick, I saw him hurting, and I just wanted to take him in my arms and make it go away. I couldn't since I was still married to Wayne, but Rick stood by me as a friend through the divorce, and shielded me from the press, even when it cost him.

I really thought when he saw you in your hoodie and sun glasses, he was getting ready to go back to you, he truly loved you. When he stayed by my side, as just a friend, then I knew that we really didn't need to look at a calendar to figure out if we had been together long enough to be called a couple."

"Well, if we're honest, I came here to get him no matter what I had to do, when I saw him with you, I knew it was a lost cause, I know him better than anyone, he loves and hurts deeply, please take care of him, I know I don't ha*"

"Kate, it's OK, you still love him, I know it's tough, but I promise you, I will never hurt him if I can humanly avoid it.

I'm sorry to have intruded in your day, but I thought this talk was important, thanks for inviting me in."

"Darlene, thank you for not treating me like the diseased piece of flesh he just had removed, and for being so considerate, I'm shocked, but in a good way, and even though I hurt, it hurts a little less knowing he is happy, thank you"

"Well safe travels and please stay safe on your job Kate, I know Rick is worried you'll go back unfocused and get hurt, I don't know if he could take that. We both know he would blame himself so for us all, PLEASE take care of yourself," she stood shook Kate's hand and was out the door.

Kate closed the door, turned and leaned against it for support, and this time cried for Rick, not herself. All the tears she had shed were over her loss, Darlene had been so sweet, it made her realize that Rick was the victim here, that he didn't deserve the pain she caused.

Maybe, just Maybe he left her with a life lesson that would get her through the long days ahead, He still loved her in some small way. It was enough, well enough for now till she could love him enough to truly let him go, God why did Darlene have to be so perfect, she didn't stand a chance with him after her, but she would be a better person for next time, if there ever was one with someone new.

She took her luggage and headed to the airport to start the next chapter of her life, for the first time in a long time truly alone again, naturally.

TBC

Again, tough to write, but there's more story to tell. No one goes through life without tears, even fictional characters.