If Only

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Thisis my AU version of an alternate ending to Love and Die in LA. Some Angst, some canon but mostly AU. All things are the same till the Gantz ending, Previously notes courtesy of Dust Jackets dot com.

I don't own Castle, I use the characters for amusement purposes only

Chapter 23

Previously

"Rest in peaceful sleep Martha, Thank You for showing me that loving someone and being in love were totally different, we did it, they're back together again" Darlene whispered not knowing that she had been heard by Alexis, Kate and Rick.

Rick smiled, even 2,000 miles separation couldn't stop Mother from having her say, but as always, She had been right all along.

**********************************************************************************/

6 Weeks Later

Castle's Loft

After the death of Martha, and Rick's in process return to New York, Kate had become a fixture at the loft. She spent some nights, mostly when Rick was commuting to Nevada to wrap things up with the project and Darlene but kept her apartment. Alexis had accepted her in a way she never would have imagined, and they often spent nights just having girl talks.

It was during one of those evenings when Alexis broached the subject of why her Dad had never come home from Los Angeles.

"Kate, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but the one question I had I could never figure out, was why Dad even went to Las Vegas in the first place. He had called the night before, and sounded so hopeful, then the next day the call came he wasn't coming home and the charade of a new character."

"Alexis, I'm going to tell you what happened as I remembered it, now remember Honey, there is always two sides to a story, and your Dad may have a different memory of those days.

When we began the investigation, I was still numb from Mike's death, almost like it was a bad dream I was trying to wake up from. I loved him, I was 21 years old, a Rookie Cop, scared out of my mind most shifts and I mistook Mike's concern for my safety as his love.

It was very embarrassing, when he had to tell me, that for starters, I was too young, and also that he was my TO, and no matter what, even if he wanted it, which he didn't, nothing could ever happen. He also taught me to keep the job and the heart in separate locations, or I would wind up getting killed, or allowing one of my team to perish because I was concerned with affairs of the heart.

You Dad and I were sitting on the sofa in the living room area at the Four Seasons, and for the very first time we were having a heart to heart, actually opening our hearts to each other. He knew that I loved Mike, and the events but never brought it up, but let me talk about the times Mike and I had shared. He looked into my eyes, and Alexis, I swear, I almost passed out, I felt a jolt of love like I had never felt before.

He told me that I was a puzzle he thought he would never figure out, and again our eyes locked and I felt that same jolt, he scared the hell out of me, I wasn't supposed to love him as much as I felt, but I did.

I screwed it up big time, I turned that magical moment into 7 months of Hell for me, thinking If Only. I ran to my room and by the time I opened the door, your dad's was closing, and I didn't have the courage to walk across and pull him into my arms."

"Kate, you don't have to tell me if this upsets you noticing a tear in her eye that Kate hadn't realized was there, I mean the main thing is that you're here now, and that's what counts."

"Alexis, that's sweet Hun, but I'm telling you this so that if you ever feel for a man the way I felt for your father, Don't let him get away baby, you may not be as lucky as I am to get a second chance. I thank God Darlene was and is the woman she is. It hurts to think about the time when I wasn't first in his life, hell I wasn't in his life at all, but all that's changed now, and I never knew what a big part your Grams played.

You know he asked one question when I flew to Vegas to try to get him back" as Alexis looks bewildered,

"Kate, I never knew that you went all the way out there to try to get my Dad back, oh now I really feel like an Ass for the things I said to you,"

Kate reaches one arm over the young girl, so mature in many ways, but still that little girl in others, and pulled her in close.

"Lexi, I flew out there with the totally wrong attitude, I went thinking how dare he do this to me, never knowing or realizing just how sensitive, and how easily he hurt. We, mostly me, but others as well really did a number on him at the precinct.

I wanted to make him jealous, but totally screwed that up. And then to put the cherry on top of that mess, I lied and of course he caught me, embarrassed and angry at myself, I took it out on him. I have never felt so hopeless as I did the day Gina walked out of the station with her arm around him to spend the summer at the Hamptons, I cried for weeks."

"What, when, He knew better than do reconnect with Gina, I'll*"

"Whoa, Sweetie, he explained, apparently Gina has a boyfriend in the Hamptons, and he didn't want everyone to think he was going there alone when I was supposed to be with Demming, so it was all for show. I have to tell you it woke me up, well at least for a little while."

"What happened then, the Motorcycle Boy Doctor?"

"Yeah, another move to show him I could get someone too, stupid on my part, and all it did was slow down the opportunity for us to be together. Finally I ended it, your Father never brought it up, not once and I was a coward and never told him about it. I used to pretend the guys I went out with was Rick, Stupid I know."

"Damn Kate, I never knew you had it so bad, you had the hots for my Dad, ohhh I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that", as she blushed.

Kate laughed and pulled her even tighter, "Don't be sorry, I did, and I do, I love your Dad more than I love life itself, it took almost losing him to make me wake up. Mike Royce left me a letter when he knew he wasn't going to make it out alive and told me to stop fighting it, don't look back someday and wonder If Only."

"Kate, you know he loves you, and he worries about you, Hell I worry about you, let's face it your job is dangerous and to be honest I don't think my Dad could take it if anything ever happened to you.

I know I have begun to appreciate more things in my life since Grams passed, I know she had a long life, but still none of us know how much time we have."

"What are you saying Lexi, are you asking me to give up being a cop, stop chasing my Mother's killer, and let others do their job?"

"I'm sorry Kate, that's not a fair ask, I know how I would be if someone would have done something to my Dad, I shouldn't have asked"

"No Lexi, you should, you should be able to ask me anything anytime you want, and since you didn't ask, I'll tell you this, I've applied for the Captains position, Roy is really retiring next month and I passed the exam 4 months ago. Although I'm still a cop, I won't be in the field, and it'll be much safer what do you think about that?"

Kate is smothered in a tight hug, and for the first time, she see's Alexis weep, with just the two of them,

"Oh Baby, it's OK, I love you and your Dad and I'm doing everything to stay safe for you, I want to come home to you both, every night. Your Dad hasn't asked me yet, but I'm ready to give him my answer when he's ready to ask."

"Kate, it'll be soon, I've heard him practicing his speech a dozen times, he just wanted to give you enough space and time, but like I said, no one's tomorrows are promised, and I would love to call you Mom soon, would that be OK, I mean maybe you don't wa*"

Kate's tears stream out of her eyes as she holds her tight, "Lexi those are the sweetest words I've heard, I never knew you felt that way. I didn't want to barge into your world and turn it upside down, but nothing would make me happier than to be your Mom."

10 Minutes Later

Alexis is crying, Kate is crying, sitting on the couch hugging when Rick walked in, surprising them when he caught and earlier flight home.

"Is something the matter, Alexis, Kate, please tell me what's wrong"

They both look over as he rushes to them, Alexis pulls him into the hug, as Kate finds his lips and kisses him with all the love in her heart.

"Please tell me what's the matter, whatever it is I'm sure we can fix it, together"

Finally, Alexis gains enough composure to speak,

"Daddy, nothing is wrong, in fact this is the best it's been in a long time. I asked Kate to be my Mom, and she said she would love it, so these are happy tears, not sad."

Rick looks at Alexis, as she comes to him hugging him and again sobbing like she did when she was a little girl, except this time her new Mom was right there rubbing her back as her Dad held her and both were saying they loved her softly.

They spent the evening just talking, Kate could not go without either touching him or being held, and Alexis was the doting daughter, bringing Kate water, tea and finally kissed her on the cheek,

"Mom, I'm going to give you and Dad some privacy. I love you both" as she kissed her Dad on the cheek and went up the stairs.

"Wow, I didn't see that one coming Kate, I mean if*"

Her lips were kissing his passionately, begging to be loved, and holding him so tight, till they finally had to break away.

"I didn't see it coming either, but I was so honored it brought me to tears, then Lexi started crying then you came in, and there's nothing that is going to stop me from being her Mom, if that's what she wants.

Rick when we were in Vegas you asked me one question that I gave you an answer I've regretted since the words were out of my mouth. I took the Captains exam 4 months ago, I passed, and Roy is actually retiring next month so I'm taking over the 12th, it's not officially announced yet, but it's a done deal.

I gave the files about my Mom to Jordan Shaw, and if that's not enough I'll quit the force, and never look back. What ever I have to do to never lose you again Rick, just tell me. I love you so much I could never take it if I screw up again."

Rick looks flabbergasted, shocked, and then finally says, "wait right here", as he hurried to his bedroom and pulled out the 4-carat diamond engagement ring, he had bought the day Kate walked back into his life.

"Kate, are you sure I'm not rushing this, because like you, I could take anything, well almost anything except losing you, I'll wait as long as you need,"

"Babe, Shut up and ask me the question" as her eyes had those sparkles in them,

"Kate, I had this speech all worked, out, oh the hell with it as he dropped to one knee and took her hand, "Kate, my life began the day I met you, through all of the trials, and troubles I held on to the hope that someday you might be mine, today I ask for more, I ask that all your some days, today's, and tomorrows will be spent with me, Katherine Houghton Beckett, Will you Marry Me"

"YES, YES I will marry you Richard Edgar Alexander Rogers Castle"

Then the shouting got even louder as Alexis is jumping up and down screaming Yes, Yes Yes, Finally.

One group hug and Alexis excused herself "with well you guys have some planning to do to make me legal", and laughed as she ran up the stairs

Rick looked deep into Kate's eyes, it was true there was planning to do, but tonight the only planning either had on their minds was 90 feet away, his bedroom. She didn't say a word, but took his hand, led him to the bed, closing the door behind them, and gently slipped one side of her top off, exposing her bare shoulder. That's all it took before Rick took over, and man did he ever.

TBC