Chapter 40 - In Memoriam

Han's relationship with Elizabeth, never very good, had suffered even more after his return to the orphanage. They were awkward and uncomfortable around each other, both unsure about how the other one truly felt. When they were together, they were very polite.

There was no attempt now to call Elizabeth 'ma' instead of 'ma'am', and though she knew she deserved it, she longed for him to forgive her and accept her as his mother. She wished he could love her the way that he loved David; the way she now realized that she loved him.

She tried to encourage him to talk, but he was wary around her. It was as if he still thought she might return him if she could.

The weather was warm that winter, with more of the dry winds that blew dust everywhere. It didn't feel like December to Han, who was used to the cold and the snows of New York.

The mood of the town was somber. It was a small town, so even people that hadn't lost anyone in the epidemic had relatives or friends that did. Celebration seemed inappropriate and wrong. Nobody was tactless enough to say 'Merry Christmas' when they were surrounded by so much grief.

Even the supplies in the stores were meager. Supply problems were frequent anyway, but many vendors had chosen to suspend deliveries rather than risk going into a town stricken with diphtheria. If anyone wanted to buy a lot of things for Christmas, they would need to go all the way to Harristown. Since nobody had been making any money while so many of the houses were quarantined, few people seemed inclined to make the journey.

It was decided that the memorial service would be held on the thirteenth. Reverend Elliot had hoped that the service would unite the community in their grief and allow them to start afresh.

He was to be disappointed.

Despite his constant assurances to the contrary, he found that most people still believed Han was responsible for the outbreak. Most people thought that the minister was unfairly blaming 'a poor dead boy who couldn't defend himself against slander'. The more he tried to reason with them, the more intransigent they became.

He spoke to Miss Walters about it. "I can't understand why everyone is so determined to blame the child."

She shrugged. "It's easier for them to blame Hannibal Heyes because he isn't one of ours. They knew Tom Brown and they knew his family. They don't want to believe that a well raised local boy would be friends with a girl like that. Far easier to assume she was the playmate of an orphan of dubious parentage from out of town. It doesn't help that their maid refused to accept the truth. Before she and Annabelle left town, Bertha told everyone that the story was a lie, a plot to tarnish the good name of the Brown family."

"What can I do?"

"Honestly? Nothing. People are going to believe what they want to believe. Although I would advise the Heyes family to avoid the memorial service. There's a lot of bad feeling towards that poor boy. Going to church on Sunday is one thing, but attending the memorial would just be asking for trouble."

John buried his face in his hands. "They lost a child as well, not to mention a nephew. How do I tell them they shouldn't go?"

Miss Walters was used to taking action rather than wasting time on words. She stood up and reached for her gloves. "Well, the best thing is to do it as soon as possible. I'll come with you and we'll go now."

The Heyes' were surprised to hear a wagon outside. Maggie had been there earlier and they hadn't had any visitors - other than the Currys - since the epidemic.

David went outside to greet them, Elizabeth following behind.

"John, this is a nice surprise. And… Miss Walters, how nice to see you."

John shook David's hand. "I'm sorry, I meant to come sooner. Things have been so busy."

"Of course, we understand completely."

Elizabeth shot a worried glance at her husband. The reverend's presence was understandable, but why was Miss Walters here? Although they were acquainted with the old lady, they hadn't progressed beyond saying 'hello' at church.

Elizabeth turned back to her guests. "Won't you come inside?"

They led their guests into the parlor, where Han lay dozing, his head resting on a book and a blanket thrown over him. It looked as though he had fallen asleep while reading.

Elizabeth quickly moved the blanket away and shook the boy gently as she said, "I'm sorry, do excuse us. We weren't expecting guests."

Han, waking up and seeing the visitors, quickly sat up and ran his hands through his hair to straighten it.

Miss Walters nodded and sat down across from him. In her abrupt, peremptory manner, she said, "We had no wish to disturb you; you are obviously still recovering. It isn't only the boy that looks exhausted."

David sat next to Han. "We're getting better."

"Hm. Well, try not to do too much." She pointed to Elizabeth. "You look as white as a sheet. It won't do anyone any good if you become ill as well, you know."

Elizabeth flushed. "I'm alright."

Miss Walters allowed herself a small smile at Elizabeth's denial. "Wouldn't ask for help if you needed it, I'm sure. Doesn't matter. I'll come back tomorrow with some of my beef stew. It'll help put some meat back on your bones. The boy looks like the next good wind will blow him away."

Han looked at his father to see what he was making of the woman's directness, but David just grinned. He liked people to be straightforward. "Thank you. Have you met Han?"

"I have not yet had the pleasure of an introduction." She waited expectantly.

"Miss Walters, this is our son, Han. Han, this is Miss Walters."

He walked over to her and shook her hand formally. "Pleased to meet you, Miss Walters."

She was impressed. Despite his upbringing, he had good manners.

As the boy returned to his father's side, Reverend Elliot cleared his throat. "I wonder if you'd give us a minute with your parents, Han? We have something we'd like to discuss."

The family looked at him in surprise and Han stood up, ready to go, when Miss Walters shook her head. "The child may as well stay. He's going to know soon enough, anyway."

Han looked at his father, uncertain what to do. David put out his hand and drew the boy back to his side. "What's this about?"

The reverend looked embarrassed. "It's a little awkward, I'm afraid."

Miss Walters gave a loud tut. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Just get on with it!"

Seeing them looking at him expectantly, he said, "The people in town won't believe me when I tell them the epidemic wasn't Han's fault. We're sure they'll get over it in time, but we think… That is to say, we don't think…"

Miss Walters interrupted, "We think it would be better for everyone if you didn't attend the memorial service."

Elizabeth gasped.

In a softer tone, Miss Walters continued, "I know you lost a child and a nephew, but I don't think it would be a good idea for this child to be seen at such an event. It might be… uncomfortable for him."

Reverend Elliot nodded. "I'm sorry. I've done everything I can, but I think everyone needs more time."

Han looked around the room, his face unreadable.

Elizabeth looked horrified. "But what about Tom…"

The reverend looked at Miss Walters, stricken.

Surprisingly, Han spoke up. "Couldn't Elizabeth go without us? Could she go with Aunt Maggie and Uncle Caleb? Everyone knows that she didn't…" he broke off before he said the words 'want me' and corrected himself, "that it wasn't her fault."

Elizabeth wondered if everyone else knew - as she did - what he was going to say; that it wasn't her fault because she hadn't wanted him. Her cheeks burned with shame. She may not have loved him with the same overt attention that she had shown Tom, but that didn't mean she didn't want him, that she didn't love him.

Reverend Elliot turned to Miss Walters. "What do you think?"

She considered a moment and nodded. "Yes, actually, I think that would be acceptable."

Elizabeth realized with a pang that they had all known what Han meant. She could go, because everyone thought she didn't want the child. It didn't escape her notice that no-one had suggested that David should go with her.

David seemed to know something of what she was feeling, "One of us should be there. For Tom and for Adam."

She nodded, accepting his words. It still felt wrong.

There was a small frisson of activity when Elizabeth Heyes walked into the church with the Currys. Tensions in the church were high. Even in their own group, the adults were unhappy and tense, Leah was crying, Joe - conscious of his new position as the oldest boy - was trying very hard not to give in to tears, and Jed was torn between sadness for his brother and anger at the way the town was treating Han. He was unhappy and he wanted his friend beside him.

There was louder rumble of disapproval when the ladies from the saloon walked in. They stood in the back of the church and held their heads high, in defiance of the hostile stares and angry comments.

The service was hard. To hear the litany of lost children and hear the weeping of their families. So many wasted young lives. Those that had children left sent up a prayer of thankfulness, while others wondered if they could start afresh, if they had time to begin all over again.

Maggie and Caleb held tightly to the hands of their children. Elizabeth wished Han could have been with her. She wanted to hold him and tell him how important he was to her.

She knew that, unlike the other parents in that room, she still had that chance. Han hadn't died with the rest; he was still with them. But she knew that even if she tried, she wouldn't be able to do it. She had always been bad about expressing her feelings. Heaven only knew, her parents had never encouraged her in that regard.

David had seen through her awkwardness and somehow - miraculously - come to love her. And Tom had been easy to love. He expected it. His good looks and easy charm made him sure that everyone who saw him would love him. She hadn't needed to talk or try to explain. Han was different. Han needed the words and she didn't have them.

She looked around her. Most of the people in the church were crying, but she was sure that she was the only one mourning for a child that was still alive. She had no idea how to repair the rift that had grown between them.

Jed was beside her, tears running down his face. For some reason, he had a stone with him that he was turning over in his hand like a talisman. The stone made her think of Han, of the rocks he and Jed liked to collect together. Perhaps this was one of those.

On impulse, she reached out and took the boy's hand in hers. He looked up in surprise and saw her expression. Perhaps he guessed something of what she was feeling, because he squeezed her hand in return and moved closer to her.

It was suddenly too much for her. Holding the child close, she pressed her face into his soft curls and started to weep.

Nobody remarked upon Elizabeth's breakdown in the church, just as they didn't remark about the way she clutched at Jed's hand as though it was a lifeline.

As they climbed quietly into the wagon to take Elizabeth home, Jed asked, "We can go in and see Han, can't we?"

Elizabeth gave him a shaky smile. "Yes, of course. He'd like that." Suddenly realizing that the others may have wanted to be on their own, she added, "If that's alright with your parents?"

Maggie smiled in return. "Yes, that's fine. I think we all want to be with our families right now."

Elizabeth felt a stab of warmth at being included in their family and again felt the rush of tears at her eyes. Looking down, she felt the pressure of Jed's little hand squeezing hers and she took comfort in it.