Chapter 41 - The Green-Eyed Monster

David and Han were very quiet while Elizabeth was away, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

David wasn't sure how he was feeling. He was happy that Han had been brought safely home, but now he had time to properly mourn for Tom.

He had loved Tom, of course he had. He had intended to be the boy's father and raise him as his own. David may not have been as close to him as he was with Han, but Tom had a pleasant disposition and an uncomplicated view of life that made him easy to be around. Tom was old enough for David to see the man he could have become; David would have been proud of that man. He was surprised to find he missed Tom. He wished he could have gone to the memorial service and mourn him with Elizabeth.

He would have liked to be there for Adam as well. He loved all of his nieces and nephews, and it broke his heart to remember Adam's brief life. David remembered his joy when he saw Adam for the first time; fat little legs kicking the air, tiny little fingers grasping his - his first nephew. It had seemed like a miracle, that creation of new and perfect life. David had wanted to hold that child forever. He remembered the weight of the baby in his arms and then later, witnessing his first steps and Adam's childlike wonder at every new thing.

He thought suddenly that it was one of the things he loved about Han and Jed; they hadn't lost that curiosity and wonder about everything around them. Most people seemed to lose that as they got older. Certainly, Adam did, and if Tom had ever had it, it was gone by the time he met David. Tom always seemed to accept the world just the way it was.

Perhaps, David thought - unaware that his wife was, at that moment, thinking exactly the same thing - that was why Elizabeth had been so delighted with Tom. Tom had just accepted Elizabeth's love without question, so she had found it easy to give. Han was too uncertain, convinced that Elizabeth couldn't want him or love him, and Elizabeth didn't know how to show him she could.

David went to the kitchen and started to rummage around. After a few minutes, he pulled out a small box.

Han looked up from the book he hadn't been reading. He, too, had been lost in his thoughts, and David's sudden movement startled him. He watched as his father took two small candles out of the box and then placed them on saucers on the window-sill. David lit the candles and closed his eyes.

Han couldn't feel the grief that everyone else - even David and Jed - seemed to feel. He knew he should feel sad about the loss of Tom and Adam, but he had barely known them. He had never been close to either of them and was used to people coming and going in his life. When they had been thrown together, Adam and Tom had teased him and made fun of him. Even though he and Tom had lived in the same house for months, Tom had never really talked to him or confided in him. Tom would talk to Elizabeth or to his friends; Han found it impossible to recall any conversations the two of them had shared. It didn't feel like losing a brother; it was like trying to mourn a stranger.

But Han did feel bad for Jed and the Currys, and he felt sorry for Elizabeth.

Elizabeth had lost her favorite son, the child she had loved completely. And now she was left with Han, the child she hadn't wanted. The child she had sent away at the first opportunity.

He watched his father at the window. David's lips moved slightly; Han thought he must be praying. David seemed sad about the loss of Tom and Adam, and Han felt a sharp stab of jealousy. Han knew that David loved him - loved him better, in fact, than he had ever loved Tom - but why should Han have to share any of that love? Tom hadn't. He'd taken all of Elizabeth's love, why should he have any of David's as well?

David turned to see Han's eyes upon him, the boy's expression unreadable. David offered him a small smile. "My mother would always light a candle for the dead."

"Why?"

"She always said it was to help us pray and remember that Christ was the light of the world." David smiled again, remembering. "Ma was a Catholic and tried to raise us that way. Maggie and I never really took to it, although we do better than my Pa. He rarely darkened the door of a church."

Han frowned, not quite understanding. "But you go to church all the time."

"Yes, but we're neither of us Catholics anymore. We're more like Protestants now."

"What's the difference?"

David sat beside his son and put an arm around him. "One day, when we have about five or six hours to spare, I'll try and explain it to you."

When the others returned a little while later, Han was surprised to see Jed holding hands with Elizabeth. Once again, he felt a stab of jealousy. Jed was his friend. He thought Elizabeth didn't even like Jed and now here they were, holding hands as if they'd been friends forever.

He scowled at the two of them, which was entirely missed by Jed as he quickly let go of Elizabeth and flew to his friend.

He threw his arms around Han. "I wish you could have been there, I missed you!"

Han hugged him back. "You did?"

"'Course I did!" He lowered his voice. "It was awful. Everyone was cryin', it was real sad. Aunt Elizabeth was cryin' too. Never seen her cry before. It was strange."

Han couldn't stop himself from asking, "Is that why you were holding her hand?"

Jed didn't pick up on the jealous note in his voice. "Yeah. I hate seein' people cry, don't you?"

Han shrugged. He imagined he'd spent a lot more time around crying people than Jed had.

"Anyway," Jed continued, "I wished you could've been there. I took this with me instead!" He held up the stone he'd been holding. Han took it from it and examined it. "Isn't this the stone…"

"That we cut our fingers on when we became blood brothers - yeah! It was kind of like having you there. Sort of."

Han grinned and hugged his friend again, his jealousy forgotten.

While he was recuperating, Han spent a lot of time with the Currys. When David had been sick, there was no-one to take care of the farm and there was a lot of work that needed to be done. Han wasn't fit enough to help him, so rather than stay at home, alone with Elizabeth - and even though the short trip would exhaust him - Han would go to the Curry farm to spend the day with Jed.

Han began to think of Jed's parents as his own. He loved Caleb, although Caleb would never replace David; but he treated Maggie the way he would have treated a mother - he hugged her and picked flowers for her, and they would laugh together at the stories he told. Around Elizabeth, he was quiet and respectful, but around the others he was returning to the child he had been, with his tall tales that would make them all shake their heads at him and laugh.

Elizabeth would watch Han with David and the Currys. He was happy and talkative, looking at Maggie with a light in his eyes that he never seemed to have when he spoke to her. She yearned to put things right between them, especially when she saw how he was around Maggie, but she had no idea what she could do.