Endgame
Chapter Seven - In Which the Odds Are Gambled
On one of Ash's visits, he brings Serena.
Gary laughs out of sheer irony at how much the universe loves to throw paradoxes at him every chance it gets. Maybe he tempted fate when he'd painted Misty's nails because Serena looks like Leaf, almost shockingly so. If one were to darken her hair just a little and replace her blue eyes with ones of green he wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Leaf hasn't been seen in years but he knows, something in him still feels that she is waiting up there on that stupid, impenetrable mountain.
And until she comes down nothing would really be okay.
Ash introduces Serena to Misty and it's so painfully obvious that she's as in love with him as much as-
Gary is with Misty and Misty should be with Ash and Ash is with Misty
-it's painfully obvious as it is that Ash is completely clueless. He feels for the girl and loses another part of him to bitterness, because why in the name of fucking Arceus did somebody else need to be dragged into the mix?
He spends the day watching Serena, who in turn spends the day watching Ash with Misty. It's only been four months since he left for Kalos, but Misty floats right back to him on a cloud of eagerness and devotion and it's like he never left in the first place. It is during this period that Gary becomes excruciatingly aware of what he's been doing, because he and Serena are exactly the same.
She longs for something impossible just as he longs for something that he only gained through circumstantial, accidental luck.
Only it can not be luck, because just look at where they are now.
Misty had to be hurt in the process; Ash is closer to her than ever; Gary is more miserable than he was before this whole thing started. As for Serena... Gary watches her idly twirl a straw through a glass of lemonade, all the while keeping her focus on the two people out in the fields of the lab.
"There's a strange pleasure in loving someone who doesn't love you in return, isn't there?" Gary asks her. He isn't surprised when she jumps at the sudden question.
It also doesn't surprise him when she reacts as can be expected. She stutters. She denies. She turns as red as every tomato sitting in the bowl over by the windowsill.
He chuckles. "Don't worry, I won't say anything. We're in the same boat."
Serena is still in auto-defence mode which is just denydenydeny, but then her eyes widen, something clicks, and Gary sees that she understands what he said.
"You're in love with her too, then," Serena remarks, and it's really more of a statement than a question.
He nods and she gives a bitter laugh, probably wonders what in the name of Mew made this girl so special. Really, he couldn't answer if she tried to ask. Misty was Misty and that's all there was to it.
But then he looks at Serena and he sees Leaf.
And suddenly everything left unsaid and all the things that never happened crash down on him. All the time he spends thinking about the paths they took and what could have been different had he only pushed his pride aside for one moment. Maybe they could have travelled together. Maybe he might have been able to change whatever went wrong on her journey. Maybe none of them would have been in this ridiculous situation.
She'd never shown up to the Indigo League, after all. It wasn't until the Johto Conference was over and he'd made the decision to become a researcher that he even heard her name again. The three of them, Ash, Leaf and himself, had all made a pact before the start of their journey to meet and battle it out at the Indigo Plateau. But Leaf never showed and he was too self-absorbed and Ash was already so far ahead of him in every other aspect that it was all forgotten.
For the first time in years, he allows himself to be absorbed in memories of a girl that could have been his everything.
He can barely breathe, because Serena reminds him of Leaf in so many ways that it stopped being ironic by at least the twenty-seventh reason. Gary can feel it drain away as he at last opens his carefully guarded heart to nothing but his mind. He wonders what could have been, and at some point he remembers why fantasies and could-have-beens are pointless.
She chose to climb a mountain to escape whatever chased her up there in the first place, and had she not left him at the bottom perhaps he could have loved her instead.
Deep down, he knows why she's there.
He's always known, really, but Mount Silver is a suicide climb and he's having a hard enough time surviving the demons that dwell at its base. A thought hits him that the harsh winds and jagged slopes may be less painful, even less dangerous than the prison he's built for himself within the walls of the lab, and for a brief moment he understands what went on inside of Leaf's mind that made her throw everything away.
Gary finds himself longing for the girl of his childhood. The one who played with him amongst the rolling plains and accepted his wildflowers. The girl who spent the night with him in that dingy shack on Route 29 in the pouring rain when they were fifteen. The girl who listened and understood and cried on his shoulder. The girl he'd shared himself with, opened up and bared himself to in more ways than one that night.
Somehow, it comforts him that he'll always hold a part of her. A part that no other man can ever take because he got there first, and he briefly wonders whether she shares the same sentiment as he does, because she also carries the same part of him.
He longs for the girl who left him with nothing but a lipstick-stained napkin on the bedside table when he woke up alone the next morning. She lost herself first in him and then within the mountains because civilisation has been nothing but a curse. For a moment, and one moment is all he allows, he blames her for where they are now even if he's just as much at fault.
He wonders what might have been had he chosen to follow her up those treacherous slopes.
There are pieces about himself and Leaf that he has not told even Misty. Parts that he'd always keep between himself and Leaf, because only Leaf could break him in ways he broke her and nobody else could ever understand why. Leaf doesn't deserve to have her story echoed throughout history as gossip for the sake of gossip.
In a way, he sort of cherishes that those pieces will only ever belong to him.
What lasts decades for him is only moments for Serena, though, and she's still too lost drowning in her own heartache to notice his inner turmoil to begin with.
When Gary returns to reality, he realises just why he fell for the girl that never belonged to him.
Two weeks pass and Ash leaves again. This surprises nobody, least of all Gary, but Misty is still disappointed.
What does come as a surprise is that Serena isn't going with him.
"Watching them and talking to you has made me realise how much time I'm wasting," Serena tells him when nobody else is around. "Thank you, Gary. I need to move on. Sticking with Ash isn't going to get me anywhere. This is something I need to do for myself."
Gary wishes he can do the same.
He doesn't say anything but he understands, and he knows that she knows he understands, so nothing more is said. She cuts her hair and leaves Kanto to start over, but it isn't back in Kalos. He won't ask and she doesn't mention it, so he thinks it's for the best that they don't elaborate on the subject. Even with shorter hair, he still can't help but picture Leaf when he looks at her.
Serena's departure also makes him realise many things. Things that he was too stubborn and reluctant to admit before. Gary knows he isn't blinded by love, he isn't that delusional, but he's well aware that he's too stuck and comfortable in his own chains that he refuses to leave them behind. Still, he can't help but agonise over longing for Misty to follow Serena's road.
But that is illogical, because Misty has what Serena wants and Ash has what Gary wants.
It is he who should be following, but he knows he cannot do that, either.
Serena has never had a hope in hell and she is finally ready to admit that, and that's the only reason she was strong enough to torch the fragile bridge connecting her and Ash.
But Gary isn't that strong and he's already in too deep. They all have one thing Serena lacks, and that's history. You can't just undo all those years and memories- even if Misty hasn't got those anymore, but she has new ones -and emotions. It isn't as simple to sever the ties of childhood, and on some level he accepts that is why he'll never be able to burn Leaf Green.
He will never reach her as long as she hides from him, but a part of him will always be waiting.
But Misty...
She will never be ready to burn Ash Ketchum, no matter how many times he would willingly send that bridge up in flames for her.
Deep down he knows it isn't right but he can't stop himself from yearning. It's wrong, and even though she'll never truly know him, or have any real memories other than those stupid diaries that sent her straight back to Ash when he wasn't even waiting for her, he'll always have late nights and long talks and hot chocolate with vanilla, whipped cream and a brownie pushed over the rim.
He decides to keep on loving this girl, the one who will forever be hopelessly, unknowingly devoted to the boy who repeatedly breaks her heart.
Sometimes, Misty stares at the sky and wonders about the life she used to lead.
Nothing has changed, really. She is still the same girl- even if she doesn't know who that girl was -running the same Gym- did she really grow up here? -with the same sisters- whom she had never felt more distant from -in the same town. She wakes up at six every morning to exercise and train pokemon- that she doesn't remember -before tackling the challengers that come to battle her.
Gary comes over for half the week and she goes to Professor Oak's lab during the other half. Neither of them make her feel like a test subject, but it's still strange to be monitored. At least Ash's seemingly endless hoard of pokemon keep her content. She's made friends with them now, feels more in tune with his than she does her own.
Sometimes she prefers their company over Gary's, if only for the simple reason that they make her feel closer to Ash and the travels of her past, but she never tells him that.
It still doesn't feel like there is a blank space in her memory. It still doesn't feel like there is anything missing. She still feels so detached from the girl who filled in the pages of those diaries.
Her heart doesn't skip a beat when somebody mentions Ash Ketchum.
He is just another part of her life except he isn't, because she doesn't remember him even though he tries so hard to be there.
The only problem is that nothing feels wrong, and that scares her more than anything.
The void Ash leaves behind only grows more and more each time he says goodbye.
Gary may as well be using paper and glue to patch it up again.
Ash never stays for long, but it is always just enough to erase whatever little progress Gary makes. She always goes right back to him.
He doesn't remember when the dark became so soothing. He likes to sit alone with his thoughts at night, when everybody else is asleep and he cannot be disturbed. He likes the chill of the air as it ghosts against his face, the silence and the promise of a new day. The world was so insistent on reminding him that he was the boy with everything and nothing.
He was the one that set the stakes so high that he could never reach them.
Because what takes him months takes Ash mere seconds, and he can't but wonder whywhywhy he'd let it come this far.
And as he sits in the dead of night watching the two figures huddled together under the night sky, he wonders how Ash can possibly stare at the stars when Misty is right there beside him. The night wears on and nobody moves. The stars continue to shine and the gentle breeze blows against the wildflowers and somewhere in the distance, waves crash against the shore.
On the counter, two hot chocolates with vanilla and whipped cream grow cold, bits of brownie crumbling away as the night wears on.
Another of Ash's travelling companions comes to visit, and this one makes Misty feel like she's missing something.
"I've lost my memory; not my ability to hold a conversation," Misty jokes when the new girl is hesitant, and to her relief she laughs.
She decides that she likes May Maple far more than the other girl. May doesn't look at her like she's stolen something precious.
May is sweet, and she reminds Misty of Ash in many ways. She is rash and spirited and isn't afraid to speak her mind, and when Misty asks she recounts the tale about Togepi in the Mirage Kingdom like it was yesterday. She passionately describes several instances of what she refers to as 'May's Expeditions', something Brock groans at but allows because it makes Misty smile.
Later, when Brock is in the kitchen and Misty is alone with May, the latter decides that it was time that the last lie everybody still covered up to be unveiled.
"So you really don't remember anything?" May asks, and Misty is so used to the question by now but it still never fails to send a pang through her chest.
"Nothing. Not one thing," Misty answers.
May is quiet for a moment. Misty thinks that she's having an internal debate, and that is confirmed when the girl sighs and opens her mouth slowly, "What do you think about Ash?"
She isn't expecting that. The way May is watching her doesn't make Misty feel like when Serena was watching her, so she takes a stab in the dark and assumes there is a specific answer she is supposed to give.
"Ash? He's been great, I don't know what would have happened if he hadn't been here. He's my best friend," Misty tells her truthfully. Because really, what else is she supposed to say? The look on May's face, the way she bites her lip and looks away... Misty knows she's given the wrong answer.
It isn't what May wants to hear.
Misty is used to the reaction, because she never tells them what they want to hear. Not Brock. Not Gary. Not even Ash. She's learned to stop feeling so bad about it, though.
"I meant how do you feel about him?" May tries again, and there is something desperate in her voice. It almost sounds like a plea. When Misty looks lost, May continues, "when you lost your memories, all of the emotions you held towards the people you knew disappeared too, right? Did any of them come back?"
"I don't know what you're asking me," Misty responds.
She feels anxious now, as though there is something she should know that she doesn't. May is definitely keeping something from her but she feels like she's about to find out what it is. This bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl is completely serious, almost sorrowful. It makes her nauseous and Misty isn't so sure that she wants to know.
"Come with me," May says quietly. It's almost so quiet that Misty doesn't hear her, but May begins walking and Misty feels her legs follow.
Needless to say, when May walks through the door of her bedroom and makes a turn for the closet, Misty becomes more lost than ever. May sits on the floor, tapping the empty space on the floor beside her with one hand in a gesture for Misty to take a seat. She does, and May gives her another sad smile before opening the door.
"You mentioned that you read diaries," May says as she searches for whatever it is she's looking for. "You said they helped you learn about who Ash was and who you were. They confirmed things you already knew, too."
May slowly reaches into the back of the closet and pulls out the box that contains the trinkets and aforementioned diaries. Misty opens her mouth and then closes it. She takes the box, confused as to why May pulls them out. They aren't a secret anymore.
"They say what everyone else told me. Sometimes more," Misty tells her, still unsure what she's getting at.
"So you trust them completely, right? Those diaries are evidence of your thoughts, feelings, and life?" May questions, urgency in her voice, and Misty nods slowly in affirmation.
That appears to be all May needs, because this time when she reaches into the closet, her hand comes out holding a small book.
"Judging by the look on your face, I take it you didn't know about this," May guesses.
If I told you something unbelievable, would you believe me?
Misty can only stare at the book in her hand. How close were she and May to have her know about something like this? A secret diary in the back of her own closet. Suddenly, she feels like a stranger in her own home. What other hidden things were scattered around her bedroom that she didn't remember?
"No," Misty finally replies. "I didn't."
Just like that she's a stranger in her own mind once more.
May nods and gives her a sad smile when she says, "You should read it. There's something in here, something really important that you should know."
It is in the early hours of the morning when Misty finishes reading the final piece to the puzzle she never new existed, and somewhere amongst the choruses of "I'm sorry" as she cries in May's arms that Brock finds them and reveals everything he's ever kept from her about Ash Ketchum.
"I loved him, didn't I?" she asks the following night.
The sudden question and strangely sharp tone of her voice throws Gary off.
She knew. He didn't know how, but Misty knew. She was giving him a chance to make up for the white lies and deception, for the things he'd kept from her. It hurts to finally admit it and Mew, saying it out loud nearly kills him, but he knows he's had his time and that it's more than he ever deserved.
"Yeah," he answers, his throat feeling dry, "you did."
Misty finally understands.