I walk as far as I can away from that room until I find a small waterfall in a peaceful little glade of the forest where I sink down and pull my knees up to my chest sniffling occasionally as I berate myself for flying off the handle and showing so man emotions in front of strangers.
"Peyson?" Strider's voice is soft as he sits beside me and I quickly wipe away the tears still clinging to my cheeks and eyelashes.
"I promised myself I wouldn't be weak anymore, that I wouldn't cry anymore," I say quietly after a while and I feel him shuffling closer to me, his warmth radiating through into me as he sits close at my side and I feel safety too.
"Sometimes it helps to talk to those you trust," he says,
"I don't know who I can trust anymore, everyone I have ever loved and trusted was taken from me," I reply hoarsely and I hear him sigh.
"You are right why should you trust me, I tell you what, I shall tell you my story and then you can decide if you want to share yours, if you do then we shall be each others confidant and friend," he says and I look towards him and hold his stare for a few seconds before giving a slight nod and staring back towards the water.
"Okay," I whisper after a while,
"You know me as Strider, here I am known as Estel but my real name is Aragorn," he starts and I swing my head round to stare at him in startled surprise and he nods, "yes that Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor although I turned from that path long ago, I was brought up here for a time. After my father died my mother brought me here but she too died not long after and so Lord Elrond took me in and took care of me,"
"Why do you turn from the path to Gondor?" I ask in a whisper when he pauses and he looks at me for a while before glancing down at the ring on his finger.
"I am afraid Peyson, afraid of the blood that runs through my veins, what if I too am weak like my forefathers?" he says and I instinctively reach over and grasp his hand gently in mine trying to offer him some comfort.
"I know what it is to be afraid," I whisper eventually and he uses his other hand to place on top of mine and squeeze back in the same gesture of comfort.
"Tell me Peyson, share your burden as you have allowed me to do," he says gently and I look up at him, his figure appearing blurry as tears once more fill my eyes.
"The orcs were so quick, we had no warning and I tried so hard to fight them off but I was shot and I was so afraid. I hid Str… Aragorn, it is my fault that my family and my friends are dead I should have been braver, I should have been stronger," I whimper and his arm is around me in an instant and although I initially stiffen I quickly relax into his embrace. It feels so strangely familiar, like coming home almost but I don't give myself time to ponder it much as I take a breath and decide to tell him the rest of my story. "When they had gone and I saw that I alone had survived I felt so much guilt, it made me sick to see them all lying there dead, because of me. I snapped the arrow off and I moved their bodies as best as I could to create a pyre and give them a funeral they deserved but I knew all along I had failed them," I sniffle as I break off and shudder as I try to stop myself from breaking down.
"Do you not see what bravery that is, oh little one to be so injured and grief stricken and alone and to still do all of that is the very definition of bravery," he whispers to me but I shake my head.
"You don't understand, I promised myself that I wouldn't be in that position again, that I would stop caring, I would be stronger and braver and I would never again have to watch those I care about perish but I failed for the second I met you all I knew I would do anything for you and the hobbits but I am not strong enough," I shudder again and he pulls me closer to him whispering words in elvish to me.
"Who taught you to fight and speak the tongue of the elves?" he asks quietly after a while and I give him a little smile as I glance up at him.
"A ranger, he was a great friend of mine and every time he stayed he would teach me and I would practice while I waited for his next visit,"
"That explains why you were so quick to trust me, most do not trust rangers so easily," he smiles in response and I giggle a little.
"What should I do Aragorn?" I ask after another long silence,
"You must do what you feel in your heart is right Peyson but never doubt your courage and strength," he responds and I stare at him for a while before nodding my head and sighing.
"I guess I have nothing else to do at the moment do I?" I say after a while and he grins in response as he stands quickly and offers me his hand.
"Come little one let us tell the others," he says quietly with a smile and I nod at him following him inside, noticing that he only drops my hand once we reach the door to the room the others are in.
"I'm sorry," I say as I enter and they all turn to look at me, "I should not have run off like that it was cowardly of me, I know not how much I can help you but I swear that I will lay my life down to protect you," I say and I feel Aragorn's hand briefly squeeze my shoulder.
Later that evening I am sitting quietly by the small lake again when I hear two people approaching and not wanting to speak to anyone I dart quickly behind a tree.
(Conversation in Elvish)
"You are attached to her already," a female voice says and as they come into the moonlight I see that it is an elf, a beautiful female elf and with her is Aragorn.
"She reminds me much of myself," he replies,
"That is not the reason," she says with an almost reproachful look.
"You doubt my love for you?" he asks reaching for her hand which she pulls away placing her's upon his cheek.
"Your love for me is but a dream Estel, I have seen the future and I am not part of it, she however… protect her," she finishes sadly and I suddenly feel like I am encroaching on a very private moment.
"You think I would not protect her with everything I have?" he sounds almost angry and I can't quite work out why as I watch them.
"That is not what I meant she will become very important to you to all of you but she is fragile," I am not fragile who the hell does she think she's talking about. I am so lost in my moment of internal ranting that I do not see their exchange end or him approaching me.
"Peyson why were you spying on me?"
"I wasn't," I reply immediately trying to cover my fright at him appearing in front of me so suddenly.
"Do not lie to me Peyson I thought we were friends," he exclaims almost angrily and I cower back from him, my heart aching at his sudden anger towards me.
"I am sorry…" I falter, "I didn't mean to, I was just sitting and I heard you coming, only I didn't know it was you and I didn't want to see anyone so I hid but then I couldn't get away without you realising I was there so I was kind of stuck," I finish looking at him desperately. For some reason I needed for him to be on my side, I needed him to not be angry at me and I couldn't understand why but I knew that is what I needed. He sighs heavily through his nose before linking my arm with his and pulling me back towards the guest rooms we were all staying in, except him because he had his own rooms here.
"You need to rest we set off in a few days and I want you completely healed and prepared, we shall test your skills with blade and bow," he tells me quietly as we walk.
"It is not late," I say and he smiles down at me,
"You sound like a child pleading to stay up later," he chuckles and I quirk an eyebrow,
"Well I am no child, I am to be thirty next year," I exclaim and he stops dead staring at me which pulls me to a stop too. "What is it? What is the matter?" I ask and instead of answering his hand hovers over my cheek for a second pushing my hair out of the way and making my skin tingle before he pulls me in the opposite direction and I have no choice but to follow until we crash through a door to see Lord Elrond and Gandalf sitting and conversing quietly in front of a small fire.
"She is of the Dunedian race," Aragorn states more than asks as the two stare round at us not looking in the least surprised.
"She is how did you guess?" Gandalf smiles whilst I stand beside Aragorn my hand still gripped firmly in his much larger one.
"She says she is to be 30 next year but I can tell she is much younger in both spirit and looks than a human of that age,"
"I am human," I say in a whisper and Aragorn turns to me and I see something in his eye, an emotion I can not quite pinpoint or understand properly.
"Peyson," Elrond says now and I turn to him as he beckons me forward but I am unwilling to let Aragorn go and with a tiny sigh he steps forward and sits allowing me to sit close beside him, his warmth a comfort to me which scared me in its own way, I was already too reliant on his presence.
"I don't understand any of this," I say in a whisper after a while trying desperately to control the quiver in my voice as I do so.
"You are a descendant of the Dunedian people Peyson, your mother and father were too, they hid amongst the folk of your village not long before you were born and had your village not perished they would have told you and moved away before the other villagers became suspicious about your lack of ageing,"
"But… why?" the words are hoarse and strained as they leave me and I can't quite work out what I am trying to say, the world slowly beginning to spin away from me again like it did when my family were taken from me.
"For the same reason that Aragorn has remained hidden for so long child you have a destiny attached to you and a heritage that many would see stamped out for good," Gandalf adds and I swallow the lump in my throat as I try to come to terms with this new information.
"What does it mean?" I ask eventually, my wide eyed fear reflected back at me in the reflection on the table before me.
"For now nothing at all my child, you will travel with the fellowship as you were always meant to and you will learn what you can from Aragorn," Gandalf replies and there is a sense of finality in his voice so I nod and stand up.
"What are you thinking little one?" Aragorn asks quietly once we are approaching the door to my room.
"Why do you call me that?" I ask, stopping outside the door and looking up at him.
"I… I am not sure it just seemed to suit you do you not like it?" he replies unable to meet my eye and a slight pinkness in his cheeks that makes me want to giggle.
"I think I do like it, it makes me feel like I belong again. Ever since my home was attacked I feel as though the world has been spinning away from me and I have been unable to right myself but you are like my something to keep my steady, does that make sense?" I can feel my own cheeks heating up as I say this and I stare resolutely at the ground in front of me.
"It makes perfect sense little one I will be here to keep you steady always," he chuckles and ruffles my hair slightly before turning away. I am left reeling from his words and I can feel my heart pounding nearly out of my chest. Slowly, I turn and enter my room my head still spinning my skin tingling and after a few minutes sitting on my bed I am to fidgety so move to my window sitting on the sill and staring out into the night. I had never experienced love before and I was beyond terrified that I was falling in love with the ranger. No, not a ranger the future king of Gondor, he would never… but he said that he would always be there for me didn't he? Sighing heavily I stare out into the darkness and it is then that I see him and I am about to call out or run out to him, I don't know why I just have a sudden urge to be near him again but just as I move to stand I see her too. The same beautiful elf as before and he is leaning forward and they are kissing. The pain in my chest is almost as powerful as the pain when I saw the bodies of my family. This is why I promised not to feel anymore, it hurts too much.
The bitter tears are still stinging my cheeks as I climb into bed and cry myself to sleep. What a stupid little girl I was to believe I could love and be loved so easily, how can I compete with elves? No, he was caring for me as a brother or father would a child, the clue should have been given when he started calling me little one. I had almost forgotten how wretched and empty I felt, he made me forget and now I felt it again and it was excruciating.
It is dawn when I wake up gasping for breath my body drenched in cold sweat as the lasting images of my nightmare still played hazily before my eyes. Before I can even calm my breathing the door bursts open and the elf who is part of the fellowship, Legolas I think his name was, and Aragorn are standing there looking worried.
"What is it?" I ask in concern as they stare at me my own concern reflected back at me in their eyes.
"You screamed out my lady," Legolas replies and I quickly bury my head in my hands in shame and embarrassment at having screamed aloud because of a nightmare.
"I am sorry, it was nothing," I say in a small voice,
"Little one…" Aragorn starts but the sting of his unknowing rejection of me is still too present so I cut him off.
"I am fine it was nothing just a bad dream, I'll be read shortly and then we can spar yes?" I say and they exchange a glance before nodding and leaving me alone. I wash quickly trying to calm my rapidly beating heart and the burning humiliation so visible still on my face.