The sky is still dark and the chill of the early morning was heavy in the air as we stood together awaiting our departure. There was a darkness around us that had nothing to do with the sky however and a heaviness in my heart that I knew had no relation to the oncoming quest. I turn away as I see Aragorn exchanging words with the elf woman who Legolas told me was Lord Elrond's daughter, Arwen, my heart aching and tears stinging in my eyes.
"All is never as it seems Peyson you should speak to him," Legolas whispers to me and I shake my head quickly moving away to check on Bill the pony with Sam. Legolas had been urging me to speak to Aragorn since we had spoken but I could not bring myself to do it. It's strange Legolas and I have become very close and the past few nights he has stayed watching over me to make sure that I slept without nightmares and woke me if I did. However with just knowing he is watching over me I feel safe enough that my sleep is less disturbed. The only problem is that I still only feel truly relaxed and safe when Aragorn was beside me and I both feared and hated that feeling and prayed that it would go away.
We walk for days. Trudging across the endless, barren land barely talking and collapsing to the ground to sleep as night fell. The watches were divided between us although Legolas took many of them as he needed fewer hours sleep and they insisted that the hobbits and I rested more. I think we were holding them back and were becoming frustrated at our slow pace.
After travelling for so long I have lost track of time was rest for a break and some lunch at an outcrop of rocks. We have all become family at this point and I am feeling happier than I have in a long time. I feel as though I have found a new family, the Valar and my parents sending me to the fellowship so I was no longer alone and I loved them all. I still hadn't spoken to Aragorn much and it pulled at my heart but he seemed lost in his own thoughts a lot too so at least I wasn't the only one. My bad dreams had stopped too I'm not sure why or how, maybe just because I felt loved and safe again, I was no longer alone and despite the fact that we were on a dangerous quest that fact made me feel safe.
I sit on my own watching my new family go about their business with a small smile on my face. Boromir was sparring with Merry and Pippin whilst Aragorn sat smoking his pipe and offering tips to the two hobbits. Gandalf and Gimli sat further away talking earnestly to one another and Sam and Frodo were preparing the fire and the food. A slight touch on my shoulder makes me look up and I see Legolas standing over me offering me a brief smile before he bounds over some of the rocks to look into the distance.
"What is that?" I ask after a while turning to see where the others are looking,
"It is nothing just a wisp of cloud," Gimli grunts,
"It is moving fast and against the wind," Boromir joins in standing and moving towards me and I exchange a worried glance with him.
"Crebain from Dundland," Legolas shouts and for a second no one moves,
"Hide," Aragorn screams and then there is a flurry of activity around me but I cannot move, fear is pulsing through me as I feel scared for my family for the first time.
"Peyson," the scream penetrates my foggy mind and I start to try and move my numb limbs but stumble and fall hard onto my knees, the rock cutting into the soft skin there and on the palms of my hands.
Suddenly an arm is wrapped around my waist and I am lifted bodily off the ground and dragged under a rocky outcrop held tightly against a solid form. For a minute I cannot focus on anything, my heart is beating so fast and hard that I am dizzy and for the second time my legs buckle but the strong arms around me merely tighten and hold me up.
"Shh little one I have you," the voice breaks through my haze and in my relief to be in his arms my entire body sags against him. "What happened?" he whispers and I shake my head tears in my eyes as I turn and bury my face further into his chest.
"Aragorn they have passed," a voice calls sometime later and I pull myself away from him as quickly as I can trying not to see the hurt on his face as I do so and I walk quickly to Gandalf's side as he explains our new route up the mountain.
For days we travel relentlessly upwards and with every step the weather worsens and so do our spirits. My body is aching and tired and I have insisted on more watches so that the men can be prepared. This is only half true though as since the Crebain I have been nervous, realising I think for the first time that we could lose our lives on this journey, not that I was that concerned about my own it was the thought of once again losing those I care about that crippled me with fear. Worse than that though, worse than anything, the thing that kept me awake at night and plagued my dreams when I could sleep was the shame. The overwhelming shame that I had, once again, frozen in the face of fear and could have caused damage and even harm to be done to my new family.
"Frodo," the voice is sharp and panicked and I am brought quickly out of my daze to stare round and see Frodo tumbling down the steep mountainside in the snow. I leap forward but Aragorn is there quicker and catches him pulling him up and I breathe a sigh of relief until I see him frantically searching his neck and then the snow around him.
"What is it Frodo?" I ask,
"The ring…" he trails off and I follow his line of sight to see Boromir standing slightly ahead of us further up the slope and holding the ring on its chain. He seems so lost in his trance as he begins speaking that I am almost lost for a second too, I cannot hear the ring speaking but his expression makes me want to believe him although it terrifies me at the same time.
"Boromir give Frodo back the ring," Aragorn says and I can tell from his tome of voice that there is a level of threat there too but Boromir ignores him, barely even registering that he is spoken as he reaches with his other hand towards it. It is like there is a thunderous silence crowding in on us as his fingers edge closer to the tiny band of gold and I can feel my heart pounding erratically beneath my ribs.
"Boromir," I cry when I can take no more and like the sudden end of a dream sound crashes over us once more and he shakes his head.
"As you wish I care not," he exclaims shoving the chain and ring into Frodo's hand and then ruffling his hair, giving my arm a squeeze as he walks past. I stare down at my arm where he touched it and notice suddenly that I am gripping the hilt of my sword and as I glance up I see that Aragorn's eye's are fixed on the Gondor Captain his fingers also gripping his sword and they only relax when his meets my eye and offers me a grim smile which I return before turning away from him and walking on.
I don't really understand why I am avoiding him so much, I know I told Legolas that I was trying to save him from having to be around me all the time and that is part of it but the real truth is that I feel strange every time I am near him. I hate how safe he makes me feel because it is not just safe, it is like I will never feel truly safe without him there and that is more than a little unnerving because I know that when this is over he will go back to his beautiful elf maiden and I shall be left alone. I want desperately to be friends but I am afraid that I will fall in love with him, even as I think this I stifle a gasp, suddenly everything is clear that is the real problem I am scared I may be falling in love with him. I never was given any real guidance on love as I was sheltered from anyone who would be a viable option for me by my parents. Although thinking about what I know now that may be because they knew that I would age differently to them, that and all the boys or men in my village that were of the right age for me either disapproved of my training and fighting or were just too stupid for words and as someone with a thirst for knowledge this did not sit very well with me.
"There is a fell voice on the air," I glance up as I hear Legolas' voice drift down towards me and then see Gandalf move out towards the edge of the cliff shouting into to the wind.
"It is Saruman he is trying to bring down the mountain, we must turn back," Aragorn calls and turning to see him I see that both he and Boromir have two hobbits clinging to them as they attempt to carry them through the snow.
"No," Gandalf calls back stubbornly and he begins to chant into the howling winds. Suddenly a blinding sheet of lightning strikes the top of the mountain followed by the low growl of thunder which does not seem to end. I realise looking upwards that the thunder is not stopping because it is not thunder at all but rather the snow and rock making it's way towards at an alarming speed. Darting forwards I grab Gimli and shove him against the rock face as the first clumps of snow hit and then we are buried.
There is an almost blissful silence surrounding me as I blink snow out of my eyelashes and try to move but I can't. Then the panic sets in, I am trapped, crushed, the icy whiteness is everywhere, suffocating me. I try to use my fingers to dig myself out but already there are black spots dancing in front of my eyes as I run out of breath and I realise that I am about to die. On the side of the mountain, incased in a tomb of snow and ice, at least I tried to save Gimli hopefully he was okay.
I can feel my consciousness fading away from me as the pain in my lungs increases and I am unable to breath in fresh air. I can see the faces of all of the fellowship and my family flit before my eyes as I begin to give in and then a lightness as if the pressure is finally being released from my body and startling grey eyes as my eyes drift close and I lose the battle to stay focused and conscious.