The ride is long and boring, which for me means painful because I all I have to do is wallow in my own self misery.
"Edoras… do not look for welcome in these walls," Gandalf says and I look up as I see the city rising above us. I shudder as the air of evil that seems to cling to the very atmosphere, seems to weigh down on us as we ride closer. By the time we finally reach the doorway of the great hall where we are stopped by the guards I can barely stop myself from shaking.
"I cannot allow you before the king so armed by order of Grima Wormtongue," A guard says stepping forward to block our path. We freeze until Gandalf gives a nod and the others begin to hand over their weapons they turn to me and I shake my head slightly feeling my eyes widen in fear.
"Peyson…" Aragorn starts stepping towards me but I shake my head backing away a little, how can I possibly give up my weapons and be defenceless in a hostile city. "Little one I will not let any harm come to you," he whispers and I regard him for a while longer before finally relenting and handing over my sword, bow and quiver of arrows and my knife.
"Your staff," The guard says,
"Oh… you would not part an old man from his walking stick," Gandalf says a little too convincingly and for a moment we all freeze before the guard finally relents and nods his head a fraction moving so we can pass by him.
Slowly was make our way into the darkened hall and I stifle a gasp as I see the withered man sitting on the throne. He looks… dead. I have never seen a man look so close to death, his entire form, mind as well as body seemed to be decaying before as even as we stood watching him through the dim light that filtered into the vast room. I shuffle away from the others slightly trying not to appear weak as I notice men sneering at me slightly as the file in to stand in the darkened corners. Nervous energy fills me as I stare at them, I do not have a good feeling about this, in fact I almost wish I was back in Fangorn as opposed to here at the moment the very air is oppressive. My attention is drawn back to the others as a greasy looking man all in black who is crouching by the king suddenly stands.
"His staff, I told you to take his staff," he cries and before I can register what is happening the men are launching an attack, and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli are fighting them off. They seem to see me as no threat as they bypass me which is irritating but I am inwardly glad for it as I am still too exhausted, both emotionally and physically to really fight. So I step out of the way and watch as my friends take them down easily.
Suddenly I feel hot breath on the back of my neck and before I can turn an arm is holding me against a solid chest and another is holding a knife to my throat.
"Stop or I kill her," the voice yells and I realise it is the greasy man. Everyone in the room freezes and I can sense the tenseness in the air.
"Let her go Wormtongue it will do you no good," Gandalf growls and the man sneers and tightens his grip on me. I fight not to whimper as I feel the blade cut into the skin at my throat and consequently the blood begin its trail down my chest. Brilliant, like I needed any more damage done to my still fragile throat.
"Don't listen to him," I manage, proud of how steady my voice is. A sudden pain in my ribs and head force a shot yelp from me as he tries to punish me for not being more scared but I look steadfastly at Gandalf even as I notice Aragorn make a movement towards me. Gandalf gives me a short nod and then I watch as he turns back to Theodon and proceeds to rid him of Saurman's evil. A streak of white flying past me distracts both me and my captor as Aragorn catches the woman in his arms causing a new kind of pain to strike my heart instantly even as Gimli launches an attack at Grima freeing me into Legolas' arms.
As soon as the turmoil is over and Theodon has been returned to his right mind, and body, which I am a little miffed I missed as it must have been an incredible thing to witness, the men all chase Wormtongue outside and I suddenly find myself alone in the huge room with the woman who approaches me slowly.
"My name is Eowyn," she says as if she doesn't quite know who to take me,
"I'm Peyson," I reply, eying her with equal scepticism.
"You are travelling with the others who freed my uncle?" she asks the question as though she already knows the answer and so I merely nod in reply and she smiles at me, although it is sad and does not reach her eyes. "Come, let us get you patched up," she says and I look round wildly for a moment, "Do not worry, I shall tell your companions where to find you and I shall not leave you alone," she says and so I nod again and follow her down a series of corridors until we reach some rooms which look warm and inviting. "Here I shall get someone to draw you a bath and then return shortly with dressings for your wounds and some clean clothes," she says and I offer her a small smile.
"Thank you," I say quietly and it is her turn to nod slightly as she leaves.
By the time I get out of the bath I feel like a new woman, I cannot remember the last time I felt so clean and fresh. Eowyn has redressed my wounds and she has given me a dress to wear which feels odd after so long in trousers and a tunic. I didn't tell her that I have seldom ever worn a dress although from the way I struggled with it I think she may have guessed which made her smile slightly.
Now I am wandering down a hallway trying to find my way back to the hall and my friends and getting incredibly lost. Finally I round a corner and see them ahead of me sitting at a long table and eating what looks to be soup of some kind.
"Hi," I say as I approach them and Legolas and Gimli look up and smile at me.
"It is good to see you look so… well like a lady lass," Gimli laughs and I blush slightly and Legolas laughs too.
"How are you?" he asks gently and I smile at him,
"I'm fine," I say glancing at Aragorn who has not looked at me once and frowning slightly at his complete lack of interest in my presence.
"Come Gimli let us find out where we are staying and clean up, who knows how long it will before we can rest safely again," Legolas says after a minute and I glance up at him in horror but he merely rests a hand on my shoulder for a second before shooting a significant look at Aragorn and leaving. We sit in silence for a while for I let out a frustrated sigh and put down the piece of bread I had been tearing up.
"What have I done wrong now?" I ask and he looks up with such anger and frustration on his face that I flick back.
"You put yourself in danger earlier," he almost growls and it takes me a moment to realise what he is speaking about.
"I did not know he was behind me," I say, although I am aware as I say it exactly what he is going to say.
"You are aware of too little lately, you are constantly putting yourself and us in danger," he says and I am so stung I can't respond for a moment.
"What are you trying to say?" I ask eventually my voice so quiet it is almost a whisper.
"That… I think maybe you should leave us here, you are not strong enough to continue, you are becoming a burden," he says and the hurt that those words causes is more intense than I had imagined it could. I suck in a breath, tears stinging in my eyes and I feel suddenly sick.
"Right… well… luckily for me you do not speak for me or the fellowship but I will do my best to stay out of your way and no longer put you in danger," I say thickly as I stand up and turning away before turning back to him, "You no longer have to concern yourself with my safety if I die then it is on my own head and no one else," I add before walking briskly away somehow finding my way to my room and collapsing on my bed before I let the tears fall and fall they did. I cry for hours, until there are no more tears left to cry and I am empty.
A knock on my door startles me, I must have fallen asleep and am drowsy as I make my way to the door.
"Pey… what has happened?" Legolas asks looking concerned as he takes in my appearance.
"Nothing, I'm fine," I say quietly and he shakes his head stepping inside and leading me to the edge of the bed where he sits and pulls me down beside him.
"You have been crying Peyson and you have an aura of despair around you what is wrong?" he asks again and I sigh, no longer tearful, I really had cried all the tears I had.
"He told me he no longer wants me to be a part of the fellowship," I say brokenly,
"He is just concerned for you," he reasons but I shake my head again.
"No," I say in a small voice, "he says I am naught but a burden to you all," he sighs heavily at this, a sound I had not thought I would ever hear from the noble elf.
"In time you and he shall both see the truth but for now you must prepare, we leave for Helms deep in a few hours, I have told them to bring you back your clothes," he says embracing me quickly before standing pausing at the doorway to turn back to me. "Prove to him you are as worthy of being here as we all know you are," he says before gliding out and leaving me alone once more.
I spend the day walking beside Legolas away from the others trying desperately not to notice the looks that pass between Aragorn and Eowyn but failing miserably and by the time we make camp for the night I am so despondent I barely know what to do with myself. I have found myself a small space close to the others but hidden just over a hillock so Aragorn cannot see me but I can hear him. I hear and see the men mock and sneer at me for wearing mens clothing and carrying weapons and sigh silently as I hear Eowyn have a conversation with Aragorn, surprised when he admits to her that he is of the Dunedian.
"Peyson how do you fare?" a voice asks quietly as I watch Eowyn leave a short while later.
"I'm fine," I say back not looking up as Legolas sits beside me,
"He does not feel for her in the way you think,"
"I know he loves Arwen, but it matter not, I am below both of them in status, beauty and his own esteem," I say equally as quietly and he gives a little growl before standing and moving away quickly leaving me in a slightly shocked silence staring after him.
"Why do you punish her is this way?" Legolas' voice is cold as he speaks and I almost forget to breathe as I realise he is speaking to Aragorn.
"I know not what you speak of," Aragorn replies and I hear Legolas' answering growl to this comment.
"You have been my friend and trusted companion for many years and never have I wavered in my loyalty to you but I barely recognise the man in front of me. You are a coward Estel and I am ashamed of you," Legolas has never sounded more angry and suddenly I see them both as Aragorn stands facing the man.
"It is not your business," Aragorn responds sounding equally as angry as he does so and I see his fists clenched at his sides.
"You do not deserve her devotion," Legolas snarls and I gasp as Legolas all but tells Aragorn of my feelings towards him, hearing me they both turn to me as if seeing me for the first time and quickly step apart.
"I cannot believe you are fighting over me, I am not worth it," I stammer as I stand before stepping towards them, swallowing my pride, my hurt and my feelings, "the only thing any of us should be focussed on is Frodo, he is who we should be thinking of, I am sorry if I have caused strife between you or if my stupidity has caused you to forget our purpose, I will not do it again but please stop this and concentrate on what is important and that is certainly not me," my voice quivers ever so slightly as I finish and I am breathing heavily my face burning as I turn away and picking up my weapons move to a more secluded spot.
I speak to no-on for the rest of the day or most of the following morning simply walking silently wallowing in my inner turmoil. I try to remember what my life used to be like and struggle to capture the feeling of being content and happy with my family. Everything had been turned upside down and for a brief time I thought finding Aragorn meant I could be happy again until I pulled away. Oh how the tables had turned now, he hated me and I could not work out why, I could not understand what I had done but I wished with every fibre in my being that I could be in his arms again as a friend I knew he would never love me but I had nothing now and it hurt more than I could say.
"Wargs, we're under attack," the shout of panic cuts through everything and I am suddenly on high alert. Legolas' words ring through my head, 'prove that you are worthy of being here' I run as fast as I can to the crest of the hill and gulp as I see the Wargs with their orc riders racing towards us. I can hear the commotion behind me, the screams of the women and children, the cries of the soldiers mounting their horses and riding towards me and battle but I concentrate on the attackers coming our way pulling my bow and nocking an arrow. I aim steadily and fire killing one of the beasts and sending its rider toppling to the ground to be crushed by those behind it. Without pausing I shoot again and again. I take down as many as I can before holstering my bow and pulling pout my sword rush into battle taking down as many as I can. I am quickly covered in the black blood of my enemy and every muscle in my body is aching with the effort of killing so many.
"You did well lass, a mighty fine warrior," Gimli smiles as he approaches me and I offer a smile before my head whips round as I hear Legolas call out Aragorn's name. I spin to look for him and see Legolas crouching in front of an orc and my heart pounding in my chest I race towards him Gimli hot o my heels. As I reach him I see Legolas standing a necklace in his hand as he looks out over the cliff and slowly my hazy mind puts together the pieces of the puzzle.
Aragorn is gone… and just like that my entire world shatters.