I hated him. He had left me. After everything he has said to me it is he who was not careful enough, he who left me alone, I couldn't cope. I couldn't understand it was like the last strand of hope had snapped and despite knowing Legolas and Gimli where still here I was alone. Set adrift, devastated did not come close. There are no words to describe the all consuming emptiness I felt, the rage, the hurt, the pain, so intense it was physical, stealing the very breath from my lungs.
I am in a daze as someone, I think possibly Legolas, pulls me back from the cliff edge and helps me onto a horse. I don't feel the wind as we gallop towards Helms Deep, or see the sights tears are blurring my vision and I am shaking with barely suppressed emotion as we rush up the causeway and through the crowded courtyard of the fort.
"So few, so few of you have returned," Eowyn's voice is trembling as she reaches us her eyes automatically searching for the one person she would not find and it tore at my already battered heart.
"Lady Peyson," the voice is hesitant and soft and I glance up to see Eowyn staring at me, Legolas and Gimli are also lost in their own turmoil and I cannot face it. I cannot face her or anyone. I want to be alone, I need to be alone. Shaking my head I back away before turning and sprinting away until I find myself down a narrow corridor walking around the corner I see the armoury and soon find a tiny cupboard to the side of it, opening the door I can see only a few chainmail shirts sitting to the side. I step inside close the door and slump to the floor the emptiness so consuming I can't even cry properly, dry sobs wracking through my body as I tip to the side lying on the dirty ground my knees pulled up to my chest.
I'm not sure how many hours I am lying in here but it must be at least a day. I have heard people coming and going, I have ignored the pangs of hunger in my stomach and the aching tiredness in my bones for it has served but to show me I am still alive and that he is not and every time I remember that the pain redoubles and the tears start afresh. My face is dry and my eyes raw from crying so much so that when the door opens and light floods in I squeeze them shut from the pain it causes me.
"I might have known that you were to be found somewhere close to weapons little one," the voice it is so familiar and that nick name… I crack open my eyes as the figure crouches before me and pull myself to a sitting position and the face that looks back at me makes me scream aloud as I launch myself into his arms, fresh sobs ripping through to me as I cling to him as if I would die were he to ever let go of me again. Although thinking about it, I think if he ever did this again I probably would die. He dips his head to bury it in my hair and tightens his own grip on me.
"I thought you had died," I whisper hoarsely after a while still refusing to let go of him and so he manoeuvres us so that he can sit comfortably with me in his lap and I am so relieved to have him safe that I don't even have the time to care that we were in a compromising position, I couldn't even bring myself to care about the fact that he hated me and I loved him, that our friendship had drifted so far apart. Nothing mattered because he was alive and I wasn't dead inside anymore.
"I'm so sorry," he mutters before looking up at me and taking in my face, which granted must look a mess but he almost looks as if he is about to cry and I didn't think I looked that bad, "my little one," he says bringing his fingers up to brush the hair back from my face and I freeze.
"You hate me," I say almost as if I am reassuring myself of this fact and he recoils as he flinches visibly his face crumpling.
"I could never hate you," he states so vehemently I almost think I had imagined the whole argument.
"But you said…" I trail off the hurt of his words still raw.
"I was trying to protect you, I have never been more scared than when you were injured,"
"I was fine," I say quickly blushing a little at the stare he gives me.
"The thought of losing you… I cannot lose you," he says softly and I gasp when I see the depth of emotion swimming in the blue grey eyes staring back at me.
"But… Arwen… Eowyn," I stutter thinking that I may be dreaming all of this and not really comprehending what is happening.
"I loved Arwen but she has sailed to the undying lands, we spoke for a long time before I left Rivendell and she said that she had already seen where my future lay,"
"Oh…" I have never been so tongue tied before and my head was pounding with a combination of exhaustion, exhilaration, confusion and grief turned elation.
"It is with you little one, not Arwen nor Eowyn my heart is yours," as he utters these words his hand finds my cheek again and I think I stop breathing as I stare at him.
"I don't understand," I say in a breathless whisper, "I… I thought… for so long I have loved you and you never, I cannot… I am but a village girl…" I trail off as his fingers tilt my face up slightly and caress my cheek lightly before he suddenly presses his lips to mine. Shocks rush through me, tingling through to the very tips of my fingers and toes and I gasp causing him to immediately deepen the kiss. Somehow I have found my arms around his neck as he pulls my closer to him. It feels like coming home, like I hadn't lived before now and everything had been dull and lonely and now I could see clearly for the first time. I was hyper aware of everywhere his body touched mine and my entire body was thrumming when he pulled away resting his forehead against mine.
"You are no mere village girl my love. You are a warrior, a Lady and one of the Dunedain and most importantly you hold my heart," he breathes and my own breath catches in my throat again.
"I think you have had mine since the moment we met," I say back after a while and his smile makes me want to cry he is so beautiful and the thought that it is I who has caused that smile could warm me no matter how cold I was.
We are still seated holding one another in the small cupboard my head resting against his shoulder as I breathe him in, still not sure whether I believe that he is real.
"Three hours ago I thought I had lost you and I have never felt more alone, I thought I would die, I could not breathe," I whisper as his fingers card gently through my hair which has fallen from its braid, "I am struggling to believe you are really here,"
"I promise to you that I will never leave you again," he whispers back pressing his lips to my head.
"We are at war Aragorn, I am not sure that is a promise either of us can keep," I sigh and his grip on me tightens.
"I see now that it was wrong to try to make you leave but I do not wish for you to fight," he says slowly, "we face a great host of orc and Uruk Hai, so many I am not sure that any of us will survive," I look up at him and study his face for a while as he says this.
"I think perhaps we will not but let us not dwell on hopelessness, let us make the most of the time we have and hope for the Valar is with us. After all I… we have survived things we should nto have in the past maybe the Valar have a greater plan for us," I say and he smiles at me again before leaning forward and kissing me deeply as if he were a dying man taking his last breath and I kiss him just as desperately.
"Come my love, let us spread your optimism amongst those who so desperately need it," he says standing up and pulling me with him holding me close to him for a second more before drawing away reluctantly and opening the door.
"Peyson there you are I have been so worried," Legolas exclaims rushing to me and embracing me before taking my head in his hands and staring at me intently. I feel myself flush under his scrutiny and try to avoid his eye but he does not let up, "you look awful," he says after a minute and I pull away slightly offering him an offended glance.
"Thanks a lot," I say,
"He has told you," he states after a minute and I look at him trying to work out what he means but offer a little nod,
"He came and found me, told me he was okay," I say quietly.
"He has told you that he loves you," he says in almost a whisper a hint of hope in his voice as he does so as if he is not quite certain of the truth in his words and looking up at him I cannot help the smile which spreads across my face as I nod and his answering beam makes my heart swell even more. I may have lost people, friends and family but in the members of the fellowship I had gained a family I would hold on to forever and I made a silent vow to make every second with them count.
"You knew,"
"Ay, the elves we have a deeper sense of aura and soul and I saw it in both of you, I think before you even saw it in yourselves," he says and I smile at him again.
"Come let us get ready I hear we have a battle on it's way to us," I say and he smiles grimly at me.
To say the last few hours have been less than peaceful would be an understatement to say the least. Aragorn took me straight to a room and insisted that I clean up and get a few hours of sleep so that I was at my best for the fighting. That is after he spent at least an hour trying to convince me to go down to the caves which nearly caused another huge argument between us but he relented and instead insisted I rest at which point I said he should rest too since he had nearly died and looked on the edge of collapsing through exhaustion. He laughed then and said he had too much to do. So he left me alone and promised to come and find me before we went to fight and I have tried to sleep, then I had a wash not that I saw the point in getting that clean as I was about to most probably fight and die but I would at least be clean and fresh smelling when I saw Aragorn and maybe stole a kiss, possibly our last before we fought. With this thought in mind I managed to at last get some rest and my exhausted mind and body slept for the first time in a long time.
When I wake I open my eyes to see Aragorn sitting on the edge of the bed watching me.
"You look tired," I say in a voice heavy still with sleep.
"I am well little one," he smiles at me his fingers moving seemingly of their own volition to move my hair out of my face before dancing across the skin on my cheeks and neck for a second making me catch a breath in my throat.
"It is time isn't it?" I ask after a moment and he sighs heavily before nodding his head.
"The elves are here though, Lady Galadriel sent them I feel a little more hope now that we have them," he whispers as I sit up and begin to pull my boots on. He watches silently as I stand then and after braiding my hair quickly I begin to strap my sword around my side and then I place my quiver of arrows over my shoulder and my bow behind it before turning back to him.
"There is always hope," I say as I walk towards him slowly watching as he stands and makes his way towards me meeting in the middle of the room.
"It is not fair," he says quietly now and I raise my eyebrow at him slightly.
"What is not fair?" I ask attempting not to shiver as his arms make their way around my waist.
"I wanted to build a life with you, I wanted to do so much we have only just found each other and now it looks like we may not last the night," his head dips as he finishes burying itself in my neck and I smile sadly as my fingers slowly stroke through his hair.
"I feel like the luckiest person in Middle Earth to have known you at all and to have had your love for even the briefest moment in time but I do not think you will die my love I think you have many years left," I say and he pulls back placing a searing skin on my lips which steals the very breath from my lungs.
"I will not allow harm to come to you this night my love, we will survive together or perish together for I do not wish to survive without you," he says earnestly and I offer him a smile which I know doesn't reach my eyes.
"You know as well as I that your life is far more important to the survival of Middle Earth than mine you cannot protect me if it puts you at risk," I say and he at once shakes his head causing me to let out a little noise of frustration.
"Not to me, your life is more important to me than any other without you I am nothing if the future of Middle Earth has any link to me it is linked just as strongly to you," he says and I almost laugh were it not for the steely look of determination in his eye as he says it.
"I am a skilled fighter Aragorn I will stay as safe as I can and I will stay close to Legolas and Gimli you must concentrate on leading us to a victory, the men need you," I say and he holds my head in his hands for a while staring at me in such a way that my knees almost buckle under the intensity of it and then he pulls me forwards and kisses me so forcefully and passionately that I see white spots behind my eyelids and am forced to hold onto his shoulders to try and ground myself.
"Come we must take our places," he says stopping just inside the door to turn to me again, "I love you Peyson, my little one," he whispers and I feel my face flush furiously as I battle the tears that instantly well in my eyes.
"I love you too," I reply standing on my tip toes to reach his cheek and kiss him gently there. "Let's go and kill some orcs," I add smiling as I brush past him and out of the door.