The Drinker You Smoke, The Player You Ed

by TrailerFilth

It's the summer after graduation, and the kids are riding high. The day after his parents leave on their vacations, Kevin decides to throw a swank-ass party. However, mom and dad have stolen all his booze! Rather than face the humiliation of throwing a BYOB party, he recruits the Eds to help him. Will they find quality hooch before 6:30 PM? Probably not!

3. Chapter 3

By the time the Eds had returned, it was noon. High clouds were beginning to obscure the sun, and the day had become muggy and warm. With the air conditioning on the van busted, Lumpy's pit-stink had become unbearable; so much so, that when they returned to Eddy's house, it was almost before the vehicle stopped rolling when Edd and Eddy bailed. A confused dehydrated Ed climbed into the front seat and shut off the engine before joining them.

Eddy's spirits were low. "Jeez, what a waste of gas.."

Double D offered some condolences. "While we may very well be wanted fugitives, we at least have a wonderful collection of cultural sodas! Why, I'm certain Kevin will look upon us favorably for our efforts. I know a wonderful recipe for bean dip, certain to-"

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND BEAN DIP?!" A dejected Eddy took a swig of the Jarritos and spit it all over the surface of the lane. "This stuff stinks, and so's our social life! How are we gonna meet fine chicks if we ain't got good booze?"

Double D suppressed his outrage. "..Surely, women are interested in more than moonshine and drunken shenanigans!"

Eddy began to trudge solemnly to his back gate. "Well, I guess we'll never know, Double D, 'cause we ain't-... what the hell is moonshine?"

"Homemade brew of the Appalachian mountain people," Ed elaborated, "A favorite of interstellar invaders, in Rebel Yell Comics' issue six, 'Attack of The Carpetbaggers From Beyond The Stars!'"

"An excellent answer, Ed!" Double D lauded his comrade's uncanny knowledge. "However, while I cannot confirm or deny whether extraterrestrial beings enjoy it, I can safely say that moonshine is not limited to the south. Why, even in northern states, it was not uncommon for farmers to have homemade stills for brewing!"

Eddy skittered back over. "Y'mean, all we gotta do is find a farm, and we could buy some whiskey?"

Double D's enthusiasm became anxiety once more. "Well, not necessarily… while moonshine was popular in the past, Prohibition has been gone for eighty-three years.. Why, a successful farmer could just go to the local feed store."

"Ooh, I know," suggested Ed, "We'll go to the Feed Store and buy beer!"

Silence greeted this.

Eddy grabbed Double D's shoulders, and the former let out a startled 'eep' as Eddy pulled him close. "But, who do we know who's a farmer?"

"...Surely, you're kidding."

"Who do we know who's so old-school, he rode to school on a goat until he was fifteen?

Ed ground his gears, and even he soon understood.

A few minutes later, the Eds were across the street to find tire-tracks all over Rolf's front yard. The fence on the right side had been smashed away, where something had been coming and going. The sound of a rumbling, coughing engine note punctuated the air.

"Sounds like Rolf is doing some gardening," Edd mused.

"Gardening nothin'," Eddy snorted, "Sounds like he's buildin' an airport back there. When's he gonna put some mufflers on that thing?"

"That thing" was Rolf's tractor, which was busy loading a truck when they arrived. A few years ago, Rolf's father grew tired of bucking turnips into the bed of his Ford by hand. He forked out for a used bucket attachment, which proved to be a great improvement over hours of backbreaking labor. Rolf was making good use of it, scooping great mounds of suspect brown dirt at a time, raising them over the side and spilling them into the bed.

Rolf, absorbed in his work, hardly noticed them when they arrived. Eddy sat on the back porch, and shouted 'til he was hoarse to get his attention.

"Rolf?...Rolf!...HEY STRETCH! OVER HERE?!" Panting from the effort, Eddy gave up. "...Ah, screw it… Ed, get his attention."

The rock knocked Rolf off his tractor, which sputtered and stopped a foot away. He lay, dazed, in the grass beside it, seeing stars and a lump on his head.

He stared into the sun, that great light that would lift him up and take him home, to his great Nana and the country from which he had came…

...And then three demons blocked it out.

"Oh… Oh, no, I beg of you…"

All three spoke.

"Hiya, Rolf!"

Suddenly, Rolf felt very silly. He supposed someone had hit a rock while mowing the lawn.

"..Ah, hello, Ed-boys!" He righted himself with a smile, and tried to shrug off the spinning sensation. "What brings you to Rolf's humble abode?"

Ed spoke first, in a bubbly giggle. "We seek sustenance for the Pennsylvaliens. Take me to your still!"

Rolf faltered. "..Still? What is this still you speak of?"

Double D stepped forward, offering a shake. "What Ed means to say is, we're… seeking to purchase some of your wares! Have you any whiskey?"

Rolf echoed him. "Whiskey? Ha-ha! Aha-ha-ho-ho-ho! You think Rolf is a Duke-boy, Ed-boys? What use does Rolf have for whiskey, when the humble mead cures all illness?"

Eddy was confused. "...What the hell's a mead?"

"Mead," Double D explained, "is an alcoholic drink of fermented honey, hops and fruit."

Rolf nodded in agreement. "Yah-yah! A popular beverage in the old country. Rolf offers you a sample of his papa's legendary boysenberry blend!" He clambered back on the tractor and produced from his cupholder a large stein. "Come! Drink!"

Ed drank first, and his curious expression turned to an excited grin. "It's so sweet, Eddy!"

"Gimme that!" Eddy swiped the mug and took a sip. His eyes lit up, and he drank a bit more, before laughing. "Double D, you gotta try this."

"N-now, Eddy, I don't-"

"C'mon, sockhead, you'll be fine!"

"V-very well." The nervous Eddward took a sniff, and slowly lifted it back. After a ginger taste, he turned back to the group with stars in his eyes. "..My word, Rolf, this is exceptional!"

Rolf nodded jovially. "The Nectar of The Gods, yes?"

Eddy couldn't help but pat him on the back. "You're tellin' me!... We gotta get a keg'a this stuff… No, two! Screw the party, I'm gonna start drinkin' this all the time!"

"Rolf is sorry, culinary tourist Ed-boys, for he has only ten gallons, and those are his father's."

"W-well, that's alright," Eddy insisted, "We'll pay ya 'ta make more! Name your price, we'll take it!"

Rolf considered, and nodded. "It is a deal! Rolf will begin tomorrow!"

They began to shake hands vigorously. "Oh, good on ya, Rolfy boy, good on ya! You ain't got any ide-" Tomorrow. Eddy just about shattered into a million pieces. "..No no, no, we gotta have it today!"

"Rolf is simply too busy; Rolf's family has recently acquired many hectares of land on Highway 99. The chores of the farmyard have become a heavy burden on the broad shoulders of a Son of A Shepherd… Conversation with unionized-peach-picker Ed-boys has cost Rolf much time, if he wishes to attend the social dance at Kevin's residence…"

Double D attempted to be find a solution. "Perhaps Ed could help you with your chores?"

"NO!" Rolf tensed, backing away. "Keep that one away from Rolf's homestead! He reeks of day-old cabbage and works with the intensity of a soft-rock radio station playlist! Rolf will complete the burden alone, with his beloved family and trusty tractor."

Eddy, having come so close, was not impressed. "C'mon, Rolf, Kevin sent us! If you don't do this, that party won't have any hooch!"

"Rolf is spirited enough; he has been drinking mead since before the sunrise, and is quite content! Hopefully, he will see you at the festivities. Good-bye!"

"You lousy… Oh, fine, be that way! C'mon, boys, let's go." Eddy began to march away, with his two friends trailing closely behind. "And, I'll pick up that batch of mead tomorrow night! Call me up and we'll network!"

"Very well, but leave for the moment! Rolf is busy!" The shepherd, drenched in sweat, took off his shirt and tucked it under his seat for safe-keeping. But, when he tried the tractor's ignition, she didn't fire.

"...Accursed Ed-boys! The spirits of combustion have cursed Rolf's ill-named Farmall with VAPOR-LOCK!"

Double D and Eddy had sent Ed home for a shower. While he protested some, his participation at Peach Creek High's swim team had taught him basic grooming habits, and he was cleaner than he ever was. So, when he smelled his excruciating B.O., he took their word for it and hurried back to his place.

Now, they were sipping soda on the curb outside Edd's house, with only five hours before the party. At one-thirty, the sun was high in the sky, and the clouds began to clear. It was a beautiful spring day by anybody's standards, though Eddy couldn't see it.

"I know what would cheer you up, Eddy," Double D suggested amiably.

"Yeah, and what's that?"

"Why don't we go swimming at the swimming-hole? That never fails to cheer you up!"

"Nah. By the time Ed gets clean, it'll be dark out."

Double D giggled. "He's never been the cleanest, has he?"

Eddy agreed. "No kiddin'! The guy smells like a silo full'a cow crap."

"I concur, but where would we be without him?"

Eddy snickered and held his jaw. "If he didn't break everything, we'd have been in the seven-figure bracket by age eleven!"

"Au contraire! Who would have helped me construct the pyramid? Who would have hauled that wagon full of newspapers? Surely, not you or I."

Eddy hadn't considered that. "...Yeah, you're right, Ed's a dependable guy. We've had a hell of a time with him, huh?.."

Double D's smile faded. "... For someone who implores me not to rake up the past, you're rather nostalgic... What goes on?"

Eddy stared at the pavement. "You remember when we started Senior Year, Double D?"

"Unfortunately, I remember my entire academic career quite vividly."

"Well, I remember when we were sittin' in my van.. It was you, me and Ed.. That was the night after you and Rolf swapped the engine… And, we were thinkin', what it'd be like to be graduated, what kinda trouble we could get into, with all that time on our hands… And, it's been a week, and what're we doin'? What we always have- Just, tryin' to get drunk and screwin' off."

"Oh, come now, Eddy! We have our whole lives ahead of us, you can't expect us to know exactly what we wish to do immediately after graduation!"

"Oh, c'mon, sockhead, you're crazy about all sorts'a stuff. Anthropology, zoology, culinology, car-ology… You gotta do somethin' with that!.. God knows, we can't do nothin' around here. I mean, what d'ya expect us t'do, stay in Peach Creek our whole lives? We can't do that… Th'whole stinkin' world's out there, and th'farthest we've been t'gether is Long Beach. We ain't got nothin' to our name together. You know that."

"Double negative, Eddy…" Double D looked away, toward the smokestacks of the abandoned powerhouse beyond the Junkyard. You could see them from the Cul-De-Sac, two red cylinders jutting into the sky.

Eddy noted his change of tone. "...What's up? Now you're Mr. Downbeat?"

"I applied to Stanford University for the fall quarter, Eddy. They've accepted me."

"..I guess this our last summer together."

"Not necessarily, Eddy," Double D offered, "While the chances are… incredibly slim that you and Ed would be accepted, I nonetheless encourage you to pursue…"

"Get real, will ya? Ed's never gettin' in.. Me, I'm sharp as a tack- a real good-lookin' tack- but, college ain't my bag. I'm an entree preener."

"Do you mean-"

"Entree..Entry… Entrepreneur. Whatever… I gotta play the odds, and odds are college stinks."

Double D tittered to himself.

"What's so funny."

"...Surely, you can think of a better way to spend our last summer than this! Does money you earned picking peaches last year still reside in a mutual fund?"

"Psssh, yeah, all three hundred bucks of it."

"Well, I say, consarn the future! We should engage in something substantial before we go our separate ways! Make this a time to remember, put all those summers of seedy scams to shame! With a contribution from all of us, we can make this, dare I say, an unforgettable summer!"

Eddy patted Double D on the back, laughing hysterically. "So much for Mr. Sensible, eh, Double D?"

"Coin is fleeting, Eddy; memories last a lifetime!"

They exchanged wide grins. "So, that's that… We're gonna have the best summer ever!"

"That's the plan, at least!"

Eddy's enthusiasm began to mellow, but his upbeat attitude remained. "Well, alright, but first, we gotta take care of this "booze" issue…"

Ed, who had finished his shower, came dashing across the lane, laughing.

"Eddy! Double D, look what I found!"

Ed was holding something over his head, that was for sure. But, at that distance, Eddy couldn't see. He strained his eyes to make out the shape.

"...What's he carrying, sockhead?"

"I'm not certain, but here's to hoping it helps us in some way."

Ed reached them, halted in the middle of the street, and kept running in place, almost dancing as he held before them a large, empty water-jug.

Eddy was unimpressed.

"...That's it? A water-jug? Ed, what are we gonna do with AN EMPTY PLASTIC JUG?"

Double D pondered it curiously, before it occurred to him. "N-no, Eddy! Remember where we acquired the jug?"

"It was full of bathtub wine, Eddy!" Ed added.

Eddy blinked.

"...Oh, no. No. We can't go there."

"But, we're running out of time!" insisted Ed, shaking him vigorously, "And Kevin said he'd let me play Mothra on his big-screen! MOTHRA, EDDY!"

"Okay, okay, fine!" Eddy broke away, and placed his foot on the van's back bumper.. He tried to strike a casually heroic pose, as he wound up for his big speech.

"Boys, these are hard times for us. We ain't got a clue, or a buck between us… But, if we're gonna be split apart in the fall, we gotta have one last party. I think this is it."

"What lies ahead is nothin' we haven't seen before. We've been down there many times, and we swore we'd never go back. But, if we're gonna get some kids sloshed tonight, we gotta get some hooch- and, to get it, we gotta march straight into the Jaws 'a hell!.."

Double D was shaking. "Eddy, I beg of you to reconsider. We'll be dressed like elk, or eviscerated by wild dogs!" Sweat was pouring from his pores. He looked like a neurotic chihuahua, outside in Minnesota on the first of January. His eyes were bugged out and huge, as if he'd never been this scared before in his life.

But, Ed stood tall and rigid, his expression suddenly grim. Still wet from his shower, and wearing the same, filthy clothes he'd just changed out of, he stood at attention and held a salute.

"Commander Eddy," he announced, "It has been an honor to serve with you. ED WILL JOIN YOU!" Ed broke into a run toward the van, laughing.

Double D forced himself still. "...V-...very well, gentlemen… I too will participate… For, I could not, with any good conscience, allow you both to go it alone. As they say on our home planet… S-...Space Outlaws forever!"

Eddy bursted out into rackety laughter. "...What the hell was that! 'Space Outlaws Forever'?! I can't believe you just said that!"

Ed seemed amused too, as he joined in with his own guffaws. Double D was blushing, very embarrassed, and looked away from them.

"It… It was in the spirit of camaraderie, Eddy.. It took hold of me."

"Yeah, but-"

"Space Outlaws forever" bellowed Ed. "Space Outlaws orever!"

"See, Eddy? Ed's certainly in the spirit!" Double D felt quite relieved, as he hadn't made such a fool of himself after all. They were all fools, and Eddy's denial was nothing but that- denial.

"Alright, fine," grumbled Eddy, "Space Outlaws forever.. Let's get this over with…" He clambered up into the driver's seat, as the other two hopped in the back.

"Full speed ahead!" Ed declared.

"Engage ignition!" Double D added.

When the van coughed to life, they cheered amongst themselves, with Ed producing a kazoo and playing the melody to 'Stars and Stripes forever.' Eddy couldn't help but find this endearing, and cracked a grin.

"Control, are we clear for takeoff?"

"That's a Roger, Commander Eddy!"

"Very well, Space Deputy Double D. Count it down!..."

Ed began to count backwards. "TEN! NINE! EIGHT! SEVEN! SIX!"

Eddy popped the van into drive, and held it still with the brake.

"...FIVE...FOUR…"

Punching the exhaust, the van groaned, and began to rip a burnout.

"THREE….TWO….ONE!...LIFTOFF!"

Eddy let the brake go, and the Vandura surged forward, tires squeaking. The nose of the van lunged upward, but did not leave the ground- This wasn't a cartoon, after all.

Eddy, finally feeling this "spirit of camaraderie," as sockhead put it, screeched "LIFTOFF!"

The careening party swerved left from Rethink onto Figueroa, rattling off toward the wastes beyond. A few moments later, a blue Plymouth pulled out of the alley, and hurried along after them.

"Next stop, PLANET KANKER!"