I lurch across the hallway as quickly as I can trying to remain undetected which is fairly easy considering the party is still in full swing and make it the the hallway without incident. Once I am away from the crowd I move as quickly as I can towards the room we were all staying in and closing the door behind me I lean back against it my head resting on the door as I try to slow my hammering heart. Tears burned in my eyes and despite my best efforts made tracks down my cheeks as every insecurity I have had about myself, about men and about our relationship comes flooding to the forefront of my mind and feeling suddenly completely stupid for even trying to compete with women such as her I grab my tunic and breeches and rush to change hiding behind one of the screens to do so.
I am just braiding my hair as I hear the door open and feeling panic and apprehension wash over me I sink silently to the floor and listen hardly daring to breath.
"Put him over here," that is Legolas' voice and that snort is unmistakably Gimli's he must have passed out drunk forcing Legolas and someone else to carry him her to sleep it off I think to myself.
"Dwarves," Haldir's voice now replies and the distaste in his tone is almost enough to make me smile if it weren't for the terrible ache still pounding through my chest.
"Did you see where Peyson went?" Legolas asks him and I hold my breath as I wait to see what Haldir says to him.
"I did, she said she was tired and was coming to rest she must have decided to take a walk instead," he replies,
"It is strange, I would have expected her to be with Aragorn," even the mention of his name makes my already aching chest constrict painfully.
"He was somewhat preoccupied with Lady Eowyn," Haldir responds smoothly and I'm almost certain I hear Legolas growl softly at this news.
"He is a fool sometimes, I am going to speak to him,"
"Do you think she would want that?" Halide asks but thew door is already opening and closing and there is once again silence in the room apart from the pounding of my heartbeat in my ears and the humiliation burning in my cheeks.
It is maybe an hour later that I crawl from my hiding place and into my bed facing away from the door and pretending to be asleep as I hear various members of the fellowship enter and fall into their beds, all except Aragorn and Legolas. I am almost asleep when it happens, the exhaustion of my own heartache and the guilt I felt as soon as I closed my eyes and saw Frodo's face and felt the pain and loneliness and fear he must be feeling, washing over me and making every muscle in my body heavy with lethargy.
"Pip what are you doing?" I hear Merry's voice but don't turn over as I figure he is heading for some more food.
"Just want another look," his reply strikes as odd and I begin to turn over before jumping up fully as I hear his scream.
Why didn't I turn over before I should have known they were up to something. Pippin is on the floor holding some kind of ball in his hands that is glowing as he screams in agony unable to let it go as he convulses.
"Do something," Merry is yelling and panic fills me as Gandalf seems to still be sleeping deeply. A sudden calm pulses through me as I realise that I can help him, I had failed them at Amon Hen but I wouldn't now, I would not be weak now. Jumping forward I move the grab the ball aware just as I do so of the door crashing open and two figures standing in the shadows and then I am aware of nothing other than darkness and pain.
Looking around me I try to get my bearings in the pitch black darkness that surrounds me before shielding my eyes against the burning fire that suddenly appears before me. I take a step back but find my back against a wall and I open my mouth to scream but find all the air gone from my lungs leaving me to choke and gasp fro breath my throat and lungs burning in the intense heat.
"You will join me or you will die," the voice echoes around me and despite the blistering heat it seems to freeze the blood in my veins.
"I… will… never… join you," I gasp out with difficulty and then crumple to the floor screaming out as pain erupts through every nerve of my body. Suddenly the pain is gone and I can feel that I am no longer in that place I am back in the room with the fellowship and someone is leaning over me.
"Peyson… Peyson can you hear me?"
"Little one…" the voice is so panicked that for a moment I forget about how upset I am at him and everything to do with my life because it has just been put into startling context. My life is not important, no one other than Frodo and perhaps Aragorn are important.
"Mm… okay," I gasp still feeling the burning of the heat in my throat despite that fact that I new I was near no fire, fear pumping through my veins so strongly it made me shake despite the fact that I know I was safe.
"What happened? What did you see?" Gandalf demands suddenly appearing in front of me his face earnest and solemn his eyes showing the panic he tried to hide.
"Gandalf please she needs to rest," Aragorn pleads and I open my mouth to retort but Gandalf gets in before me.
"We do not have time for rest she must tell me what she saw," he admonishes almost harshly.
"I…" I clear my throat and attempt to sit up a little further despite the pounding in my head and the nausea that rushes through me at this action. I must be strong for Frodo now I think as I take a shaky breath and start again, "I was in a dark place, I don't know where other than that it was completely black everywhere and then there was this fire burning in front of me and it hurt so badly I tried to get away but there was a wall behind me and a voice filled my head. it echoed around everywhere and it was so… so evil it was like the blood was freezing inside of me even as my skin was blistering in the fire," I break of to pull in a choking breath here and feel someone's hand gripping my own tightly but don't have the energy to work out who it is.
"What did it say?" Gandalf's voice is urgent and it makes my fear for Frodo grow exponentially.
"It said that I would join him or I would die and I told it that I would never join him and then I just remember pain and screaming, then I was back here," I finish squeezing my eyes shut too afraid and exhausted to do anything else as I listen to them discuss things before moving to sleep themselves.
"Come little one you must sleep," Aragorn's voice washes over me and relaxes me until I remember why I had been in the room and not with him and then the new pain of his connection with Eowyn pulses through me too and it almost too much for me to contend with as I shudder beneath the blanket he has pulled over me. his hand lingers on my shoulder although he seems hesitant perhaps Legolas did speak to him after all but I am too tired to think on it now and drift into an uneasy sleep.
My sleep is plagued with nightmares all through the night, I lose count of how many times I wake up in a cold sweat screaming. it seems that even Galadriel's necklace is unable to help me now. By dawn I have given up the notion of sleep and instead quietly get up and head out for some fresh air breathing deeply as I pray for the cold air to rid me of the visions that haunted me every time I close my eyes and wake me up a bit.
"You are not well rested," a voice says beside me and I jump slightly as Legolas appears,
"I… nightmares," I finish simply knowing that he would understand without any need for me to elaborate.
"He loves you," he says quite suddenly causing a harsh gasp to be ripped from my throat as I spin to face him.
"You once told me he did not care for her but you did not see the way he looked at her last night," I say brokenly unable to hold eye contact with him.
"He is a man and men are stupid sometimes a pretty face…" I laugh bitterly here cutting him off and shocking myself at the harshness in my tone.
"If he is a man that can be swayed so easily by a pretty face then I am better leaving now for there are many hundreds of faces prettier than mine willing to sway him," I answer angrily.
"I did not say he was swayed Peyson, he was merely trying to spare her feelings,"
"You did not see…" I start again but this time he cuts me off.
"No you are correct I did not see the way he looked at her but I see the way he looks at you and I know that he loves you maybe the fault is not so much at his feet but at your own, lle il lle il ai' en' lye faarea ar' manka lle il a' ikotane lle amin mellon Peyson nan' amin tua lle manka lle ier il a' e'. (you do not trust him, you do not trust any of us enough and if you do not learn to do so you will find yourself alone. I am your friend Peyson but I cannot help you if you are not willing to believe in us.)" he is breathing heavily when he finishes having switched to elvish at the end of his speechh as two Rohan servants walk past us. I stand in shocked silence for a while trying to process what he has said and feeling guilty and stupid.
"Amin mellon amin estela amin vesta amin ikotane ie' amin mela ero n'ala amin ta amin il en' coiasira ar' ai' en' lle ar' amin yassen ta (I am sorry my friend, I do trust you, I promise I do. I just, I failed so badly at protecting those I love once before I am terrified it will happen again, I do not feel worthy of your time and attention any of you and I am struggling with it)," I respond and he gazes at me for a while before placing a hand on my shoulder and turning once more to gaze out over the city.
"I forget sometimes how much you have endured for one so young, I apologise my friend," he says eventually and I sigh.
"Sometimes I feel like I take one step forwards and then three backwards, this whole conversation feels like it could be one we had before we entered the mines all those weeks ago," I say eventually.
"A lot has changed since then but a lot stays the same also," he almost whispers into the air and I turn to look at him again as I feel Aragorn approach us and I tense. Despite everything we have just talked about the memories from last night are still too fresh in my mind and with everything else to deal with too my own self doubt is still to strong for me to forget it all.
"It doesn't matter though does it? Nothing matters except Frodo and that is who we should be focussing on," I say instead pulling away from the wall just as Aragorn reaches towards my hand and walking away aware of the fact that I have spoken those words before but not really able to process why, where or when or the significance. There is too much for me to deal with and the exhaustion I feel is creeping up on me.