It is later that day that we watch Gandalf ride away with Pippin. I sit with Merry for a long time that evening trying to offer him some comfort.
"He'll be okay Merry he's with Gandalf, Gandalf wouldn't let anything happen to him," I try when he still looks heartbroken.
"You nearly died," he murmurs,
"Gandalf wasn't with me then though and that was my own fault, Pippin will be safe and soon we will be joining him," I respond.
"Peyson is right my friend and besides look what the two of you achieved you were able to bring down Isenguard," Aragorn's voice sounds from behind us and I stiffen slightly despite myself as I feel him move closer.
"But we were together then," Merry almost wails and it tears at my heart to see him so scared for someone he loves.
"I know what it is to fear for those you love for those who are your family Merry but we must be strong now. Come let us rest and tomorrow I can start training again and I shall need a partner to spar with I think you will do just perfectly," I smile standing up and pulling him with me.
An hour or so later Merry has finally fallen asleep and feeling suddenly hungry I decide to go and get some bread or something and head down the long corridors towards the kitchen. Hearing voices I slow and peep around the corner my breath catching in my throat as I see Aragorn standing with Eowyn sword in hand looking as though he has just sparred with her. Their voices are low as the talk to one another and I can see the longing for him in every movement she makes and it makes me ill. Having lost my appetite I step silently away and make my way back to bed where I lay silently staring at the ceiling. Aragorn enters sometime later and I can feel him leaning over me to check if I am asleep, feel his fingers brushing against my skin but I have become good at pretending and soon he seems satisfied that I am indeed sleeping and sighing softly retreats to his own bed and is asleep with minutes. As soon as I hear his breath even out I open my eyes again and resume my staring, I am too afraid to sleep knowing that the nightmares will grip me and wake everyone else to they need to sleep, especially Aragorn because despite how I feel right now I still love him, just as much as when I thought he hated me, just as much as when he told me he loved me and maybe thats why it hurts so much thinking that he could be so easily swayed.
The next day I try my best to cover my tiredness and achieve it fairly well as the excitement of being able to train again and not just sit around grips me. It takes me some time to warm back into it and by the time afternoon comes around my back is aching terribly and I am unable to hide it from Haldir who, along with Legolas, immediately take me to the healers and after getting them to help me undress and cover my front they attend to my back.
"It has not reopened," Haldir tells me which causes me to release some of my tension.
"This soreness is to be expected, you have pushed yourself too hard as usual, if you hope to be ready for battle you must rest more," Legolas chips in which causes me to glare at him and argue straight away.
"But I must be prepared, if I am out of practise what good will I be?" I almost shout.
"What good are you if you are too weak to fight at all?" Legolas growls back at me and I flinch a little causing him to look instantly regretful.
"I just hate feeling so useless, I hate sitting here knowing that Frodo is… is out there and I am doing nothing," I whisper after a pause and as Haldir redresses my back after applying more elvish medicine of some description, Legolas places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it lightly.
"Some sleep would do you good also," he points out quietly and I turn to look at him knowing that I don't need to say anything, that he understands because he's been there before, through he nightmares and the heartache.
It is two days later when after several hours of restless tossing and turning I once again give up the ides of sleep and silently get up and make my way outside.
"You must try to sleep Peyson it is halting your healing," Legolas' voice startles me so much that I stifle a yelp as I spin to see both he and Haldir standing behind me.
"You scared me," I manage after I have calmed my wildly beating heart.
"You are not alert because exhaustion clouds your senses," Haldir reprimands me and I glance down at my feet in slight shame.
"I'm sorry, I try honestly but there's so much… I'm so afraid… and then I'm ashamed of being afraid when Frodo…" I break off unable to finish my sentence, my tiredness making me weak as tears slip unbidden down my cheeks.
"It is okay Peyson, we are your friends and we are here to help you," Legolas soothes me gently placing an arm around my shoulders and pulling me inside. Before I know it I am in a small room next to the one the fellowship share and Legolas has guided me to sit on the bed in there while they sit either side of me.
"What's going on? What are you doing?" slight panic creeping into my voice.
"Do you trust me Peyson?" Legolas responds and I stare into his eyes for a long moment before answering.
"Yes," I say firmly and he smiles softly at me and nods his head slightly.
"Peyson we want to try and help you sleep using an old Elvish method to calm you. It is somewhat like meditation and all you have to do is lie back and close your eyes and relax, Aragorn and the others are just on the other side of the wall and nothing will happen to you if you begin to have a nightmare I shall wake you just as I always have done okay?" He says and I nod suddenly realising that I am already lying down my body sinking into the mattress my eyes drifting closed. I am aware of them talking to me of warm and reassuring hands resting one on each of my own and of a safe warmth spreading through me as I drift away.
Opening my eyes I am somewhere else, a lot like when I touched the ball that Pippin had the other night except that this time I felt safe and protected. The sun was warm against my skin and I could hear birds in the trees as I gaze around me.
"You are troubled," the voice has a sing song quality to it and although I turn to see who it is who has spoken I do not feel threatened by it.
"Arwen?" I ask in complete shock as I see the beautiful elf in front of me she smiles and inclines her head before moving towards a bench and gesturing for me to join her.
"You are so tired child," she says almost sadly and I duck my head unable to hold her gaze.
"I… there are nightmares they keep me from sleeping," I say in barely a whisper knowing that she would hear me. "How is this possible? How am I here? Where are we?" I ask suddenly as I look up trying to change the subject and work out what is going on at the same time.
"Elves, some of us, have the ability to communicate with each other through dreams," she replies and I frown in confusion.
"I am not an elf," I point out slowly and she smiles,
"Of this I am aware but as my grandmother told you some weeks ago you do have a touch of the sight, I believe it is stronger than you or anyone may know but only time will tell but that is for another time," she smiles as I continue to try to process these confusing facts.
"That's why I have the nightmares?" I work out eventually and she nods.
"Yes although when Aragorn is with you and you are at peace with each other the nightmares are lessened because your mind is at ease,"
"Aragorn and I… he…" I trail off not knowing what to say but she simply places her hand over mine and uses her other hand to pull my chin up so that I am looking her in the eye.
"Do you remember a time when you believed that he could not love you because he was in love with me?" she asks and I wince visibly at the memory of that pain and nod slightly, "did you believe him when he told you he loved you and only you?" she asks now and I nod again instantly.
"He could not lie to me, I would know," I whisper.
"Then why do you doubt him now?" she asks and I can feel the tears leaking down my face but I am unable to stop them and for a long time I am unable to answer her.
"The way he looked at her… I know she… and she is so noble, she is royalty," I manage at last.
"You think her a better match for him?" she asks and I shake my head more tears making their way down my face as I struggle to control my emotions.
"I… no… I love him but…"
"And he loves you that is all that you need to know child, I have seen the future, I have seen your paths. Eowyn believes she loves him true but she will find soon enough that it is merely an infatuation for a man who treats her as an equal for the first time, much like the feelings Aragorn once believed he harboured for me until he met you," she smiles at me as I struggle to breath through my tears.
"What do I do?" I gasp out eventually ashamed of how weak I am being in front of her but she simply smiles and leans forward towards me grasping my head between her hands.
"Go to him and speak to him of your fears and your nightmares and be at peace when you ride to battle," she says earnestly kissing me on the forehead and then releasing me to a feeling of falling into darkness.
Sitting up I am gasping for breath sweat glistening across my body and Aragorn's name dying on my lips before I even register that it is me who has screamed out his name. It takes less than a minute for the door to crash open Legolas and Haldir to offer a very brief explanation and for my shaking limbs to be cradled in his. The feeling is better than I could have hoped for or imagined, like come home after a lifetime away and on my own. It sounds so ridiculous to think that being estranged from him for a couple of days could evoke such a strong reaction but I honestly felt lost without him. Maybe it is because he is what I cling to now that I have no family no friends other than him and the others in the fellowship, maybe it is because my love for him is almost destructively strong or because this war is so destabilising that I am holding onto any stability I can and him not being there is what made my reaction so strong, whatever the reason I never wanted to let doubt tear me from him again.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I repeat over and over again in a strangled whisper as he rocked me gently in his arms.
"What are you apologising for little one?" he asks eventually when I have calmed down a bit and my shaking is nothing more than the occasional shudder.
"For doubting you, for doubting us," I answer him quietly and he sits for a minute in what appears to be shocked silence.
"So that is why you have been pulling away from me," he says at last and I nod a tiny bit.
"I saw you at the celebrations with Eowyn, the way you gazed at each other and she is so beautiful and she is royalty and I began to worry that you might think that she is a better match for you, that you had chosen wrongly when you chose me," I say in a tiny voice unable to look at him as I feel the burning in my cheeks and the thundering of my heart as the seconds tick by and he doesn't answer me that age old panic and doubt surging through me without restraint.
"Peyson," he sighs after what feels like hours and I nod my head to acknowledge that I have heard him still staring at my fingers where they twisted in my lap unable to look up for fear of what I would see in his face. His fingers, callused and rough but so gentle as they touched me, suddenly grip my chin and pull my face up to force me to meet his eye. "You are my other half Peyson, I love you and no one else I promise you this," he starts and I let out an embarrassing whimper as more tears escape my eyes, I really should have learnt from the last time that sleep deprivation makes me stupid, irrational and emotional. "I am the one who should apologise, I sometimes forget that you have so little… experience in matters of the heart and I admit that I was gazing upon Lady Eowyn but it was only because I felt such pity for her. I realise that she harbours certain… feelings and I do not wish for anyone to be hurt but I could never look at another woman when I have you," he finishes still gripping my chin gently and using his other hand to brush the hair back from my face.
"Can we just draw a line under it and forget it happened then?" I say hopefully praying to the Valar that we can brush over the whole incident before I make any more of a fool out of myself.
"You need to sleep," he responds which I am taking as a yes whether that's how he meant it or not.
"I am afraid," I admit and he smiles gently at me before pulling me back into his arms.
"Do you remember at Helms Deep when we shared a few moments of rest together before the battle?" he asks in a whisper.
"Yes," I reply smiling as I think of it.
"This is as it was then, we are not married and I should not stay but…" he shifts moving to lean over me as he senses me readying to send him away to save his honour, "you are more important to me than anything else and if staying here with you and holding you in my arms is what it will take to make sure you are rested and ready to fight should… when we need to then that is what will happen. Besides Legolas is outside the door as is Haldir they shall protect both of our honour," he smiles leaning down to kiss me so thoroughly I feel as if he has stolen the very breath from my lungs.