A claw prodded Thorncloud awake. She blinked her eyes open to see a white muzzle surrounded by orange looming over her nest. Foxtail's yellow eyes stared down at her expectantly. "Rainstar wants to speak with you," he said. "She said to send you to her den."
Yawning, Thorncloud pushed herself to her paws. She muttered a thank-you to Foxtail and padded out of the den. It had been a few days since her return. Mostly she had been allowed to rest while Tallfeather tended to her wounds and she caught up on sleep. The wounds on her flank were nearly healed now, but her ear was still torn; Tallfeather hadn't been able to save that. Now she had a neat V-shape from the tip of her ear, thanks to SunClan. Windheart, in an attempt to make her feel better, said it made her look more experienced and dangerous.
Rainstar called her into the den. To Thorncloud's surprise, Berryleaf wasn't with her. The deputy rarely left Rainstar alone these days, now that the clans had to deal with Sunstar. The SnowClan leader hadn't said yet what she was planning to do about SunClan. She was sitting in her nest when Thorncloud pushed through the lichen.
"Come sit." Rainstar gestured vaguely with her tail, and Thorncloud tentatively sat a couple tail-lengths away from her, wondering what this was about. "How are you doing since your return?"
"Fine," Thorncloud said, but the word sounded hollow even to her.
Rainstar gave her a rare look of sympathy. Maybe the old leader was softening with age. "Tallfeather seems to have healed you well. That's good," she said. She shifted where she sat, tucking her paws neatly underneath her. "I wanted to speak with you today about Barktail's kits."
Thorncloud tried to hide her surprise. "Oh?"
"I'd like you to mentor Leafkit," Rainstar said.
Thorncloud had not expected such an offer. "I'm…. honoured, Rainstar," she said, at a loss for words.
Rainstar's whiskers twitched. "You're wondering why I'm choosing such a young warrior," she said, and it wasn't a question. She could see right through Thorncloud. "Quite frankly, we're short on warriors at the moment. I'd like Springfoot to mentor Daisykit, and that only leaves Foxtail without an apprentice. But he's the father of the kits, and I think he'd be too soft on them. I'd mentor Leafkit myself, but…" The old leader hummed in what might have been amusement. "I'm not as young as I once was."
Thorncloud nodded in understanding. If Copperfur hadn't died, Twigpaw wouldn't be Stoneclaw's apprentice, and the experienced warrior likely would have mentored Leafkit. She dipped her head gratefully. "I'd be happy to mentor her," she said.
"Excellent," said Rainstar. "Don't doubt your mentoring abilities, Thorncloud," she added, once again reading her mind. "You're young, but you're very wise. And you did an incredible amount of work on that mission to SunClan's territory. You've earned this."
The praise was too much. Thorncloud's ears flattened, and she winced when her injured ear twinged painfully. "Thank you. But, er, Rainstar… there's one other thing I wanted to talk to you about," she said.
"Yes?"
"It's Tigerfang. I mean, um, Tigerpaw." Thorncloud kneaded the floor awkwardly. "I think she's learned a lot from her punishment. She's been well behaved, and before I left for Highstones, she spoke to me… She was being very mature."
Rainstar was nodding her head. "Stoneclaw thinks it's about time she was reinstated as a warrior, too," she said. She paused. "Yes, I suppose I'll do that tonight, after the apprentice ceremony. Thank you for telling me, Thorncloud."
Thorncloud bowed her head in goodbye, and turned to leave the den. The sun was waiting for her, shining down warmly on the camp. Without realizing where her paws were taking her, she ended up in Tallfeather's den.
"Thorncloud?" The medicine cat was treating Ivypaw for a pulled claw. "Are your wounds bothering you?"
"Er…" She glanced at Ivypaw. She didn't want to say anything in front of the apprentice. Luckily, Ivypaw didn't seem to notice anything amiss. She beamed at Thorncloud. "Thorncloud, Thorncloud! I beat both Twigpaw and Owlpaw in training today! And they're older than me!"
"Congratulations," Thorncloud said, smiling at the young apprentice.
"Sit still," Tallfeather ordered. He was treating her with a bit of comfrey root. After a moment, he stepped back. "Alright, that should do it. It might hurt for a bit, but as long as you don't climb any trees or claw any of your fellow apprentices, it should fix up fairly quickly."
"Thanks, Tallfeather!" Ivypaw stood up and ran from the den, ignoring Tallfeather's parting warning of: "And take it easy!" When she was gone, he shook his head and sighed.
"At least they keep you busy," Thorncloud teased.
"A little too busy," Tallfeather said. He looked at her with concern. "What's the matter? You seem down these past few days."
Thorncloud shrugged. "Tired," she muttered. "I haven't been sleeping well. My mind is all full of SunClan and what they've done."
Tallfeather's gaze softened. "Copperfur's death wasn't your fault," he said.
"I know." Thorncloud padded closer and pressed her nose to his shoulder, wanting nothing more than his company. She closed her eyes and breathed in his comforting scent.
But Tallfeather recoiled, and stepped away. "Thorncloud… we shouldn't."
She blinked up at him. "What do you mean?" she asked.
He wouldn't meet her eyes. "You know as well as I do that we can't keep doing this." Thorncloud's throat tightened. Even if she knew what to say, the words wouldn't have been able to come out. "I'm a medicine cat," he went on, staring at the floor of the den. "I can't have a mate. And I–I care about you, but my duties to SnowClan–and StarClan–are far too important to give up. I'm sorry…."
The wall that had stopped Thorncloud's emotions from spilling over was beginning to crumble. Tears welled in her eyes, and her paws trembled. "But I – I'm not asking to… to have your kits!" she said, unable to help the desperation in her voice. "StarClan can't stop you from serving your clan!" Doubt prickled at her thoughts. "Can they?"
Tallfeather shook his head sadly, and Thorncloud could swear that his eyes were glistening, too. "I don't know," he said softly. "But it doesn't matter. StarClan says medicine cats can't have mates. That's too clear to ignore."
"And that matters to you more than me?"
Tallfeather finally looked at her, a confusing mix of love, loss, and determination in his eyes. "Yes."
Thorncloud's heart fell into her paws. "Well, at least you're honest," she said, her voice strained as her throat tightened uncomfortably.
"Thorncloud, I–"
"No." She turned away. The den felt entirely too small, and she needed fresh air. "I don't need to hear anymore."
She made for the exit, but Tallfeather's voice stopped her. "Rainstar knows." Thorncloud froze. "She spoke to me while you were away." She turned to look at him; he padded closer, looking more desperate than ever. "I might have ignored StarClan's wishes if it weren't for Rainstar. If anybody else found out about us…"
As much as it was like claws against her heart to admit it, Thorncloud understood. That didn't subside the anger, or the hurt that came with his decision. "Fine." The word came out choked. Unable to say anything else, she left the den. Her physical injuries were nothing at his point. Her heart was far more damaged.
Out in the open clearing, Thorncloud wondered if she could get away with leaving camp unnoticed. She caught sight of Barktail grooming her kits, in preparation for the apprentice ceremony. She cursed under her breath; she couldn't leave the camp, for fear of missing the ceremony. Quietly, she slipped over to the elders' den. Blizzardpelt would know what to do.
As she approached, she was relieved to see that the white tom was the only elder inside. He was sound asleep, his chin resting delicately on his greying paws. When she brushed through the den opening, his eyes flickered open, his ears perking up at her pawsteps. "Thorncloud," he murmured sleepily, and raised his head. Then he frowned. "Is everything alright?"
Thorncloud padded into the empty den as Blizzardpelt sat up. She wanted to sit down, but she wasn't sure she'd be able to stay still. She remained standing, her paws shuffling anxiously. "Can I ask you a personal question?" she asked.
Blizzardpelt nodded. "Of course."
"Have you ever been in love?" Understanding warmed his eyes, and slowly, he nodded. "Okay," Thorncloud said. "So… what do you do if you… if maybe you love someone, or you have feelings for them at least, but… they don't want to be with you?"
Blizzardpelt cocked his head to the side. "Thorncloud… is this about Copperfur and the feelings he had for you?"
Thorncloud blinked. "N-No," she stammered, wishing the subject of Copperfur hadn't been brought up. "It's… about my feelings for someone else."
The elder let out a mrrow of amusement. "Thorncloud, it seems you lead a very busy life. I don't know how you have the time for romance among your warrior duties." His eyes twinkled. "I wish I had better advice, but all I can say is you can't force someone to have feelings for you."
"But what if he does have feelings for me, and he… can't." Thorncloud stopped, fearing she'd said too much. A fresh wave of tears sprang to her eyes. She turned away, unable to look Blizzardpelt in the eye.
There was a pause that only lasted a few moments, but it felt like moons to Thorncloud. She glanced back up, and saw that Blizzardpelt was watching her with an expression she couldn't read. "I should hope you're not doing anything to anger our warrior ancestors, Thorncloud," he said flatly.
She blinked at him. "What?"
"I'm old, but I'm not stupid." The elder fixed his gaze on something very far away. "You have so much potential. Don't go breaking the warrior code for something as fleeting as matters of the heart. That is my advice."
He laid down again, turning his face away from her to signal that the conversation was over. Thorncloud stood frozen in place. All at once, it felt as if her entire clan was against her. With the exception of Rainstar, who seemed to have more faith in her as a warrior.
Rainstar knows.
She turned and left the elders' den as calmly as she could muster. Did Rainstar really believe in her warrior abilities, or was she just giving Thorncloud an apprentice to distract her from Tallfeather?
All her life, she had been happy to follow the warrior code, do as she was told, and never doubt the intentions behind her clan mates. Now doubt encircled her, invading every thought. Was nobody on her side anymore?
Thorncloud spent the rest of her day avoiding every other cat. The camp suddenly felt a lot smaller, a lot darker. She couldn't help second guessing every warrior. After all, if Blizzardpelt could so easily dismiss her, and Tallfeather could so easily turn her away, could she trust anyone?
It was all "for the sake of the clan". Following the warrior code, following the will of StarClan, following the leader. Wasn't there anything more to life? Was it so easy to turn your back on your loved ones for the sake of the clan?
By the time the apprentice ceremony had arrived, Thorncloud had become subdued, resigning herself to a lonely life in a clan that didn't want her. Part of her knew she was being dramatic – not everyone in the clan was bad – but it was hard to feel welcomed when everyone she had ever been close to was now so far away. She watched numbly as Leafkit and Daisykit were ushered by their mother Barktail into the clearing. The ceremony washed over her; she vaguely remembered Rainstar calling her forward, commending her youthful intelligence and loyalty (had the leader chosen that trait specifically to taunt her? she wondered). Leafkit became Leafpaw, and touched noses with her. The small apprentice had the dazzle of StarClan in her eyes, as if all her dreams were coming true.
Leafpaw's sister Daisypaw was given to Springfoot to mentor. Thorncloud recognized that she would get to train her apprentice with her foster mother. Normally that might have excited her, but her relationship to Springfoot felt hollow. She knew Springfoot cared more about Tigerfang than her, and why shouldn't she? They weren't even kin, after all. Thorncloud didn't have any kin in SnowClan.
Once the cheering of the apprentices' names died down, Rainstar addressed the clan again. "It's time that Tigerpaw regained her warrior name," she said. "Please step forward."
Tigerfang strode confidently out into the centre of the gathered cats. "Tigerpaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code and to protect and defend your Clan, even at the cost of your life?"
"I do." Pride glistened in the warrior's eyes.
"Then by the powers of StarClan, I reinstate your warrior name. From this moment on, you will be known as Tigerfang once again. StarClan honours your energy and determination to prove yourself, and we welcome you back as a full warrior of the clan."
Encouragement rose up from the crowd. "Tigerfang! Tigerfang!" Thorncloud remained quiet, unable to join in with the enthusiasm of her clan mates. Tigerfang had grown, yes, but her words still echoed over and over in Thorncloud's mind.
You're not my sister!
No, she thought, Tigerfang wasn't her kin at all. She didn't trust the tabby warrior anymore. She didn't trust anyone in SnowClan. The only cats she trusted weren't in SnowClan at all; Bumblestripe, her lost brother; Mottledfur, the father she'd wanted her whole life; Pebblefoot, the wise warrior who saved her life; even Scalepaw, the youthful apprentice that had helped her find her father.
And none of them were from her own clan.