By the time we reach the gates I can barely breathe the pain is so intense and as soon as we get to the stables I dismount and mumble something about freshening up before half running half stumbling to my room. I manage to get to the washroom before my legs give out and I let a cry of pain escape me as I wrap a hand around my stomach my hand touching the warmth I feel between my legs pulling away I see the crimson blood that coats it and cry out again rocking as I try to understand what is happening to me.
The sound of the door crashing open brings me back to the present and frantic calling of my names alert me to the fact that he is here and knows I am too and that something is wrong.
"Peyson… Little one… oh Valar," I see his pale face hovering above me as he tries to roll me over his own hand finding the pool of blood,
"I don't know what is happening to me," I whimper tears constantly pouring from my eyes as he attempts to cradle me in his arms,
"Why did you not tell anyone you were injured, we can stitch it up," he says his voice panicky even as Legolas hurtles through the door with Haldir hot on his heels.
"Please… get Marianna," I cry and Legolas nods speeding off again to fetch my maid while I continue to cry out in pain and fear.
"Oh dear what have you got yourself into," Marianna's voice is calm and motherly and I sob in relief at hearing it, knowing… hoping that she could tell what was happening. "Right tell me what has happened," she orders as she kneels down opposite Aragorn, ignoring everyone else in the room as Haldir and Legolas still stand in the doorway.
"I was thrown from my horse in battle and landed on my stomach but I was okay there was no wound," I break off as fresh pain flows through me and I feel more blood pooling out of me, "the pain got worse and worse and then when I got back there was blood too I do not understand," I cry more tears coursing down my cheeks as all bravery is gone in place of fear and confusion.
"Oh… dear, sweet child, your mother never?… come," she says looking at Aragorn now, "we must get her in the bath to ease the pain and the passing of the foetus and then into bed," as soon as she says this I very nearly scream out as I cling to him and I hear his own sob of grief as he pulls me towards him and lifts me up. Legolas and Haldir are both gone but I know they have heard and would not be far away, I just can't bring myself to care though I know I should.
"I was… I had a… I lost… my fault," I stutter through my tears unable to breathe or think clearly I just keep repeating the same words over and over again. I feel as if I am going crazy, I can hear what they are saying I listen to everything but I cannot communicate or contribute or do anything. I had been pregnant and my selfishness, my desperate need to prove myself had killed it.
"Help me to undress her and get her in the water," Marianna is saying and he is, they are cleaning me up and I am screaming in pain as he holds me and she makes me drink some concoction of herbs and I feel everything. It is an indescribable, sickening feeling, pain and guilt and disbelief in one. I am aware of writhing around of sobbing and screaming and hitting and him holding me to him, in the water with me even in his trousers and tunic but I can't understand it. I can't feel it properly. It is like watching everything through one of my visions and oh how I pray that this is a vision that I can wake from and change but I don't wake. This living nightmare continues and then I am in my bed and now I just feel empty.
"Get changed into something dry, I'll be back in the morning with food and hot tea, do not leave her," Marianna says now and then she is gone and he is on the bed with me pulling me to him even as I flinch away and my body starts shaking again and the tears start again and I can't breathe until eventually just as I feel I am about to pass out I hear his voice breaking through my haze.
"Hear my heartbeat, focus on that," he is saying over and over again and then he reaches for my hand and it feels so tiny in his as he places it against his bare chest and I can feel his own rapidly beating heart beneath my fingers as I slowly begin to get my breathing under control. "It's okay I'm here," he continues his mouth pressed right against my ear as he speaks. "I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to protect you, forever, do you understand that? Do you hear what I am telling you?" I can hear his tears now and it makes my own flow all the faster as I think of the pain I am causing him, "I cannot lose you little one," he says brokenly and I let out a whimper as he says this moving into him even further until I feel as though I could almost be a part of him.
"You are not going to lose me," I manage to whisper eventually although my voice sounds rough and hoarse from all the screaming and crying, "It's my fault isn't it? Oh Valar why was I so stupid, so selfish, we had a… the one thing I am supposed to be able to do… I was supposed to protect and I didn't even know… I killed… I murdered…" my breathing is erratic and he pulls me tighter to him.
"It is my fault little one I was so… I should have known… I should have insisted you stayed, I am not worthy of you… I should… Valar what do I do?" he yells the last words and moves to sit up and I jump up beside him wincing in pain but ignoring it as I grab hold him.
"Hey, hey I'm okay, you'e okay, we're okay, we are okay aren't we? We're going to make it through this aren't we?" I cringe slightly at the desperation in my voice as I speak but I cannot help it.
"Of course we are, I love you," he replies back in my arms and gently easing me to lie down again his fingers stroking patterns on my skin as he tries to lull me into sleep and I almost do when everything that has just happened plays out in my mind and I sit up again gasping for breath more tears escaping down my sore and swollen face.
"It's okay little one, I am here, just breathe," his voice soothes thick with his own grief as he comforts me.
It is three days before I can bring myself to even get out of bed and in all that time he holds me. He has to leave to attend council meetings and as I watch him my heart breaks for him even as I marvel at how incredible he is that he can lock it away in order to be king and then he comes home and comforts me but I hear him in the dead of night when he thinks I am asleep. I listen to him cry and it makes silent tears of guilt course down my own cheeks too, I feel broken and hopeless and don't know how to make the emptiness go away and it is killing me. I think to die in battle should have been better than this agony.
On the forth day I am sitting listlessly by the fire place unable to really do anything other than stare dejectedly into the flames when Marianna sits herself before me. She has been in every day to try and make sure I eat and bathe and that Aragorn does the same but this is the first time she has sat and really looked at me.
"This has to end now Peyson," she says gently and I look up at her even as my eyes fill with tears I wasn't sure I had left to cry.
"How do I make the emptiness go away?" I ask instead as if pleading with my own mother for help, knowing that there was no answer.
"You have grieved for your loss and it will be one that stays with you forever but you need to snap yourself out of it now," she continues and I begin shaking my head before she has even finished speaking.
"I cannot…"
"You must," she insists and I feel anger surge through me and it almost makes me laugh I am so pleased to feel an emotion that isn't hopelessness, grief or guilt.
"You cannot tell me when to stop grieving for my child," I yell standing up and backing away from her as if she were trying to take a physical being from me.
"I am not telling you that Peyson I am telling you that this…" she breaks off gesturing around, "this is making everything worse,"
"Nothing could be worse," I scream my voice breaking as I finish and I realise I am now backed against the wall.
"Nothing? And if this is hurting Aragorn if this kills him?" she asks and I gasp aloud as she does feeling my stomach drop out at the mere thought of losing him.
"I cannot… he cannot…" I attempt to speak but words are failing me.
"He is being driven mad with grief and pain not just for his child but for you, he is watching you wither before his eyes and he can do nothing," she explains and although her voice is stern I can hear the softness in it and I slump to the floor completely and let her hold me as I cry.
"I'm sorry," I stutter and she shushes me stroking my back and letting me get it all out.
"Come, let us show him that you are going to be okay, together you will get through this he needs you to be strong for him too," she says eventually and I nod allowing her to bathe and dress me and then stand with me while I steal myself to leave the room.
"Does everybody know?" I ask in a whisper as she moves to open the door.
"No-one bar us and the elves, he has kept it that way," she replies and I nod moving to open the door before pausing again.
"It will be difficult won't it?" I ask and she nods her head offering me a grim smile and I sigh a little, "come then, I suppose I must see my soldiers," I say and she nods again opening the door and leading me out.
"My lady, there you are we were worried you had been injured or taken ill," one of the soldiers exclaims as I approach them and I take a shaky breath remembering what Marianna had said and locking away everything, enough was enough I had to continue living for Aragorn's sake if for nothing else.
"I am sorry to have worried you I was just enjoying spending some time with my husband," I reply which effectively distracts them as they begin laughing and joking about how lucky the king is causing a blush to rise on my cheeks and for me to turn away and inspect several weapons to avoid hearing what they are saying.
"Are you well my lady you look pale?" Faramir asks as he approaches me and I smile at him,
"I am quite well thank you my lord just tired," I say and he grins back at me,
"I am to marry Eowyn in two days time I trust you and the king shall be there?" he says now and I smile what must be the first genuine smile I have had on my face in days,
"Of course we shall, I cannot think of anything I am looking forward to more," I say and he squeezes my arm gently before nodding to someone behind me,
"Excuse me my Lady you are required," he says and I quirk an eyebrow at him before turning around and seeing Aragorn standing behind me with an unreadable expression on his face.
"May I have a word in private?" he asks in almost a whisper and I follow him immediately worried that something is wrong, as soon as we are in the throne room and alone I place my hand on his arm and turn him towards me.
"What is wrong? Has something happened?" I ask and he sits heavily in his throne pulling me into his lap with a little yelp, on my part not his.
"Nay my love, I was just… I cannot tell you how relieved I am to see you up and around," he sighs and my heart constricts painfully Marianna had been right my selfishness had once again hurt someone I loved.
"I am sorry," I whisper kissing his forehead which I suddenly notice is furrowed more deeply than it has been since the battle at the black gate, "I have caused you worry and for that I ask your forgiveness,"
"You were grieving," he replies but I shake my head.
"We both were and I should have been stronger,"
"You are the strongest person I know little one,"
"Even so I am sorry," I murmur my fingers stroking the features of his face as he leans into my touch and pulls me even closer to him. "Faramir and Eowyn wed in two days," I add to change the subject,
"Then you must go with Marianna, Treya and Henriq to the dress fitters to get an outfit befitting a queen attending her friends wedding," he smiles and I giggle too, my heart feeling lighter and freer than it had in a long time.