Authors note: Just a super short update as an apology for being so completely rubbish with the updates recently, I have clearly been suffering with some kind of block but am hoping that at some point soon I can finally get this story finished and then work on finishing the others before starting anything new! As always I love to see your reviews and if you ever have any suggestions or ideas or requests just let me know :)
It is a full week later and I am still unable to sleep through the night. I am constantly exhausted and have not yet made it out of bed unaided and even then it is just to bathe with the help of Aragorn, Marrianna and Treya. I know they are worried and I am too but it is like I have been drained of everything.
"Peyson my love, how are you feeling?" Aragorn whispers as he lays down on the bed beside me his fingers reaching for my own and I smile at him.
"I am so sorry," I murmur after a short silence and he looks at me in both worry and shock.
"What do you have to be sorry for little one?" he asks his lips brushing against my forehead as his fingers brush my hair away.
"All I seem to do is bring pain to your life," I whisper tears already gathering in my eyes even as I try to blink them away.
"You have brought joy and love to my life little one and never underestimate just how much that means," he says almost sternly and I choke on a sob as he gathers me into his arms.
"I'm scared," I manage at last cringing at the whimper in my voice.
"Of what my love?" he murmurs back into my hairline,
"I can't see her anymore," I say brokenly and he pulls away from me slightly to hold my face in his hands and stare at me.
"See who Peyson?" he asks and I can hear the confusion and worry in his voice as he does so and I bring my own hands up to grip his wrists as if trying to anchor myself to him.
"Our child," I say at last, "I used to see her when I closed my eyes, she gave me hope that everything would be okay in the end, I used to dream of her after that first vision but now there are just nightmares," I pause again taking a shuddering breath before asking the question that had been plaguing me more than anything else since they rescued me. "What if… what if what they did means that I will never… and that's why I no longer see her?" for a second neither of us seem to breath before he lets out a noise somewhere between a groan and a sob as he pulls me to him tighter still, burying his head in crook of my neck.
"Oh Peyson, my love, it cannot be the case, I will not believe it," he repeats it over and over before finally calming and pulling back to once again hold my face in his strong hands. "We shall sort this now," he says, determination lacing his words.
"How?" I ask in complete confusion,
"Marrianna, she can examine you, she can tell if there is any damage," he says standing but I grab at his hand.
"And what if the damage is invisible?" I ask and he frowns a tiny amount before his face clears again.
"After Marrianna has examined you then Gandalf will come and you will work with him to communicate with Lady Galadriel she will know the truth," he says and I nod offering him a small smile to try and appease him no matter my own doubts.
So strong is my desire to rid myself of these nightmares and memories of what they had done to me that I make no complaint, no noise, barely a reaction as Aragorn helps Marrianna to bathe me and then sits beside me as she examines me and says that she see's no damage. He smiles at that and I do too, although mine at least is false. I feel no better because I know that the damage may still be there and I am haunted by the thought of having lost a second child. I am not sure I could survive it.
"Child look at me," Gandalf's voice is loud and stern and I spin my head to face him and wonder for a second how long he had been there.
"Sorry, I was…" I trail off as I realise that there is no point lying to him.
"You fear you have lost the ability to bear a child," he states more quietly and I nod unable to hold his gaze as I opt instead to gaze at my hands, gasping a little as one of his suddenly grips mine his other resting on my forehead.
"What are you doing?" I ask
"Concentrate Peyson, close your eyes and concentrate, your fear has led you to stop trying and it is holding you back, it is holding your healing back," he murmurs the reprimand almost as if he is speaking to himself but I do as he says and close my eyes.
Opening them again I feel slightly dizzy as I sit up to see I am no longer in my bed but in a familiar clearing.
"Welcome child,"
"Galadriel?" I say in wonder as I struggle to my feet only to fall back to my knees again and let out a frustrated grunt.
"You have been wounded my friend," she states as she comes closer and I look up nodding,
"You saw?" I ask but even as I do I see the truth in her eyes and know that she had seen it all and that she would give me at least some of my answers and that knowledge led me to take what I felt was the first true breath I had taken since being rescued.
"You are still weak because you do not allow yourself to use your gifts to recover," she says as if answering a question I don't remember asking.
"I don't understand," I say quietly and she smiles down at me before offering me her hand and this time when I stand I am able to do so without falling straight to the ground in exhaustion.
"I should rephrase you are using your powers only in the wrong way,"
"But…" I interrupt her until she holds a delicate hand up to me and I stop immediately feeling a slight blush creep over my cheeks.
"You were so afraid that your powers have been used to try and block out nightmares only now that you are safe and because of your lack of practise they are merely blocking out true visions, you are unable to see your child because you are blocking it through fear, it is also what is keeping you so weak," she explains and I feel my knees tremble in relief at the idea that I would be able to see her, to have her, to live my life as I had once planned.
"How do I…?" I ask now unable to articulate exactly what I was asking and finding myself once again incredibly grateful for her great knowledge and intelligence.
"You must sleep, Peyson, truly sleep and let yourself dream and when you awaken you will be much as you were before any of this happened," she whispers and as she steps in front of me I can already feel my eyes beginning to droop slightly as exhaustion seems to wash over me.
When I wake again I feel… lighter. It is the strangest feeling and the only thing that I can come close to comparing it to is that moment when I first bathed at Edoras after so long traveling. Like being a new person, as if all the grime and fear and worry had been washed away and as I open my eyes I no longer feel exhausted and weak but strong and full of life. Turning my head slightly I see Aragorn asleep beside me still and I smile as I turn my body towards him and snuggle closer to him causing him to shift and wake a little. A by product of being a ranger and part of the fellowship meant that he was an incredibly light sleeper, always ready for danger I guess.
"Good morning," I whisper to him as I watch his eyes open and focus on me.
"Good morning my love, how do you feel?" he asks, his voice husky and rough with sleep and I shudder a little as it washes over me.
"Like I have found my way back to being myself at last," I say before yelping as I am suddenly pinned beneath him his smile lighting up his entire face and my breath catches in my throat as I stare into his handsome face.
"I have missed you so much," he whispers, his lips suddenly trailing wetly across my jaw and down my neck, where they pause to suck on my pulse point making me moan aloud and arch my back causing his growing hardness to gain some much needed friction and he breaks contact with my neck to groan himself.
Our love making that morning is slow and sensual, as if we were once again learning one another and by the time we deicide to get up for lunch I am feeling boneless with happiness.
"Lets go to see Eowyn and Faramir for lunch," I say as I watch him get dressed and he comes to sit beside me once more looking both happy and worried, as if the emotions were waring with one another.
"Are you sure you are ready to be out?" He asks gently and I laugh as I get up onto my knees.
"I should think that by now I have proved that I am recovered," I smirk and he smiles too as he stands before me wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me against him.
"Then I suggest that you put some clothes on before I am forced to forget all other things and keep you in this bed with me," he almost growls and I giggle as he holds me tighter and I squirm to get free which simply causes him to growl again pushing me backwards onto the bed and lowering himself once again on top of me.