#CHAPTER 4#

Passionately making out for a few minutes until a realisation hits me. When was the last time Carter popped in? Put my right hand where I think a certain tattoo is and draw my left down to his chest too, attempt pushing him away.

Gasp "Sam, Sam wait." he pulls off a little.

"Sorry," he breathes.

"When is she due to check in?"

"Oh umm probably soon, she came in just after you fell asleep."

"Okay- and locked doors can't exactly keep you two out." Smiling up at him, let out a giggle.

He smiles back. "Right." Moving back to 'his' bed, lying facing me, head propped up in his hand. I sit up against the wall, cross my legs.

Laughing I say aloud. "Now this isn't awkward at all." Once again I'm looking down at my lap, my fidgeting pair of hands. To say I'm confused would be an understatement at this time.

Sam speaks up after more silence. "I don't know what to say."

"Just don't say sorry, it's me that should be apologising, yet again." Breathe deep Grace. "I'm obviously broken and clearly not thinking straight at the moment."

"No, you don't have to apologise either."

Mutter to myself, "I need a fucking drink." Speaking louder to Sam. "I still don't get why you're staying with me, doing nothing when you're here because, well 'cause of what happened." Damn this is hard to ask without revealing that I've read the books, oh so many questions I would ask if I could, but I won't.

I still don't want to know about hunting but it's weird if he's here on a job and is chilling with a nobody while something is out there.

"I'm trying to protect you."

Okay, don't push this; you don't wanna know. DEEP BREATHS

"Okieday then." But if he's trying to protect me where's his hunting bag? Would be cool if he has the Impala though - squash down an internal squeal.

Looks like it's back to the awkward silence - book time again. I can't concentrate remembering his touch then the high sinking fast as I flashback to him saying he's protecting me. At least I'm not some clueless person, he is usually helping people who have no idea what's out there, though only having just found out those books are real I only sort of know myself. I don't want to, but maybe I should be helping Sam with the hunt if I can.

Tick off the hunter basics in my head; salt, iron, silver, fire. Well I have a lighter, salt if I can get to the kitchen; I don't know where iron or silver could be but he surely has some wherever his bag is, I still don't wanna clue him in if can help it, how would I explain it without revealing that I've read Supernatural? There's bound to be flammable liquid round camp somewhere - surely at the very least in the air force supplies. Well this is going to be fun. Sigh

What's the hunt?

Rub my head and eyes. "You okay?" he asks concerned.

"Just a headache. I'll be fine." Close my book, reach under the bed for my water bottle just as there's a sharp tap on the door. Ha see, phew. Colonel Carter comes in.

"Hey Tapping, how's watch going?" Draining what little water is left in my bottle.

"Everything's fine. How about you?"

"I'm good, wee bit of a headache. Probly just need water," shaking my empty bottle and getting up.

"I can fill that for you." Reaching out for it.

"Aren't you still on duty? I need to stretch my legs anyway. You could walk with me to the kitchen, if that'll make you feel better?"

"Sounds fine to me. Grab your jacket, it's cold outside." Drag it off the top bunk and follow her out of the room, putting my jacket on and we head for the lodge.

Colonel Carter looks sideways at me. "So are you really good?"

"Yeah I am, I think. Maybe was just in shock or something. I miss him, I'm still sad but what good will come from me falling to bits? I'm not military T. I don't know how to be strong here. Doesn't help being cooped up in the dorm. But I don't wanna be around other people. I guess it's not safe to leave either? Kinda a catch 22 situation here isn't it?"

"You don't have to be military to be strong. It might help to talk to someone, deal with whatever, obviously losing Jamie isn't the only thing you're dealing with here?"

"Yeah, I hear you, I do. I know you're right but can't talk to people I don't know and like I said before I don't know anyone here well enough. I'm glad we becoming friends but yeah." Shoving hands in pockets, smiling bashfully.

"You know, I am glad you and Sam are keeping an eye on me but I'm starting to feel like you've both put me on suicide watch or something. I know that you're only trying to protect me *open door to the mess* but I'm gonna be fine." Head through the dining hall to the kitchen keeping an eye out for salt, looks like they put it away for the night. She follows me into the mess but pauses.

Filling up my bottle at the sink, I look around the shelves, skull half of the water, see if Carter is looking. No, she is sitting at a table with a general eye on kitchen, not on me at the moment. Put the water down, grab a bag of salt and spot a small bottle of lighter fluid, stuff them into my jacket pockets. Finish my water, refill it, grab an apple from the fruit bowl and munch on it while walk back to Carter. She walks me back as far as the dorm building, but has to get back to her post.

The room is empty when I arrive, great. I empty the contents of the jacket, make sure the lighter is there and wrap them in a towel in the bottom of my bag to hide them all together. Hang my jacket on the end of the top bunk then root through my bag for painkillers. Get dizzy, again. Go down to the bathroom, splash my face and head back to the room to resume searching for some pills. Take two ibuprofen as Sam walks in with a backpack in hand. "Are you alright?"

Sigh. "I will be when nobody asks me that again."

"Alright," as he puts his bag under his bed. "Sorry about this, there's no other rooms available due to… Well you know." I just shrug at him.

Check my phone. "Four AM, this time of day sucks to be awake; almost wanna sleep just to kill time or get rid of this bloody headache, unlikely that will happen though, what about you? You haven't slept at all."

"I was resting while you were sleeping, that's enough for me."

"Okay. So what now? Are you going to watch me all day?"

"Do I have to?"

"No, besides how you s'posed to help with DEEP BREATH the incident if you stay in here? That's why you're here ain't it?"

"Yeah I am."

"Anyway I don't wanna stay here all day either. I can't just shut myself off from the world. I'm gonna go nuts if don't do something, might go to town in the morning or something. Don't really wanna hang around here, ya know?"

"I don't blame you, I've gotta go to town if you want a ride."

"Yeah that would be good thanks. Gotta few hours to kill before anything opens though." What do I do? Can't read with my headache, so no idea what to do now. Do not want more awkward silence, won't be able to sleep, don't have any music with me. Sit on my bed semi-cross-legged, lean back against the pillows, placing my hands over my face.

"Don't shoot me but you sure you're okay?"

"Hmm, lights just burning my eyes."

He gets up and switches it off. "Arigato." Hands down to lap, still close eyes and do some deep breathing exercises.

Don't know how long passes before the silence is killing me, "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

I roll over to face him, verbalise something I've been trying to figure out for myself for a long time. "How do you keep going?"

"What?"

"Well I think everyone's lost someone but I keep losing people, how do you carry on without losing yourself?"

"Well it's hard, there's no denying that; but you have to let yourself grieve. I think you already know that you can go crazy if you don't. Opening up can help and the old cliche 'time will heal' - if you let it. Like you said everyone on Earth has lost someone, there's a natural order to things. Everything born will die. A fact of life that must be accepted."

"Read that in a book?" laugh skeptically.

"Ah yeah, some books and it's paraphrased but it's true," Sam gets up and sits by my knees, placing a hand on one. "I know that sounds like a load of crap but you need to deal with it and learn to live with it. Talking does help."

Disbelieving I struggle not to snap. "So you talk?"

"Sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

He chuckles, "Yeah, I'm not very good at opening up."

"Huh well me neither. So what? We just survive?"

"Yeah I guess."

"That's not living. Can we talk about something else?" I start wriggling. Sitting still is another thing I don't do, especially when someone is touching me. I've been somewhat of a recluse for several years now. Physical contact can be overloading to me, especially with someone I don't know. Just being around all these people these past few weeks has been a difficult transition. Then of course there is the fact that I kissed Sam which is making his presence, his closeness all the more uncomfortable.

Sam removes his hand from my knee. "Like what?"

"Anything that's not this."

"Okay do you have any family?"

"Mum, dad, a little brother. What about you?"

"An older brother."

"No one else?"

"Well kinda have this surrogate father but no, otherwise it's just me and my brother. What's your brother's name?"

"His name is Shane, he's traveling around Europe with his ex-fiance."

"His ex?"

"Yup. They were engaged when they left, broke up soon after but are still friends and feel safer traveling together. Don't blame them really. I hate travelling on my own. My first trip alone - freaking horrible."

"What happened?"

"My host never picked me up the airport, then the bloody airport closed. I was completely on my own there. I ran out of battery on my phone trying to contact him; I had to use what little 'tourist' budget I had for the weekend to get a backpacker's shuttle and then a taxi in the morning because I missed the bus. I was starving and tired and still I went to my event there was little in the way of decent food, and it was expensive so with not much money left wasn't going to eat that crap. After I walked round for hours, trying to find decent food or another backpackers; had a major panic attack, very embarrassing..." continued on explaining my terrible weekend "... basically I swore I'd never leave home again."

"Obviously you changed your mind."

"Hmm well burying your head in the sand is not very productive in the long run, is it?"

Just after 6 AM Colonel Carter is back and we all go to get breakfast together before she heads off to crash for a few hours. Eventually I go back to the dorm to get my day pack and we drive the half hour into town (it was very difficult to hide my disappointment when he led me to a beat up blue car and not an Impala).

We park, swap cell numbers and split up, first stop for me is get a few bottles of Jim Beam, tubes of salt, lots of chocolate, some long matches, chewing gum and a newspaper. Then just wander around the other shops, mostly window shopping, killing time.

Get bored of shopping quickly and head to the park to just relax on a dark green wooden bench and enjoy the sun, longingly watching the young children on the playground and reading the paper. A woman sighs as she sits down next to me on the bench. "Hey." She greets me.

"Hi." Flashing her a friendly smile.

She points at the front page. "Shame isn't it?"

Hiding my reluctance to talk about recent events. "Yeah it is."

"Can't believe it's happened again."

"Again?" Turning to look at her, semi-closing the newspaper.

"There were similar deaths a few summers ago, they were out at that camp too." as points again to the newspaper.

"Do you know much about it?"

"Just the same as this time, but two guys were found, a few days apart. Each had his guts ripped out in his bed overnight. They never caught who done it."

"That's terrible. Sounds like the camp is cursed or somethin' doesn't it."

"You could say that. You know about 20 years ago some girl went missing there too. Bloody."

"Wow, crazy."

"Aha. Oh well, time to feed the brats." Groaning while she gets up.

"Have a good day." I say to her trying not to let on to my sudden distraction.

"You too honey." Kindly as she goes to round up her kids, stow the paper in my pack.

So I need to get to the library - which is probably where Sam is.

TBC