In the still darkness of the morning, Castiel sat at the table, trying to focus on the information presented to him on the laptop. The sun had yet to come up, and the thin curtains strained the moonlight, but it was still enough to reflect on the two beds both occupied by the objects of Castiel's preoccupation.

Caroline lay tucked into the bed closest to the door. Occasionally, Castiel could see her roll or shift in bed, the moonlight reflecting off of her blanketed body as she slept. Castiel wondered how long it had been since she had slept in a bed. He had been greatly disturbed to learn how her life had gone after he had dropped her off at her home more than four years ago. He felt sad to think that if Hannah was alive, how horrified she would be if she learned how her vessel had continued to suffer after she, thinking she was making a compassionate act, had released her.

Castiel was beginning to realize that there were no compassionate acts when it came to possessing human beings. That once they said yes, their lives would be changed forever and he had yet to find a vessel whose experience had been positive. He thought of Jimmy Novak. What happened to him, to his family- it haunted him still. He still wore Jimmy's body every day, still made it his own. He needed it to be the angel he had chosen. Without it, he could never have met Dean or Sam, could never have made the choices he had in the past, could never have formed the friendships and bonds with these humans he had become so fond of. But for his friendships, his personal growth, Jimmy had paid the ultimate price.

Hannah's act of compassion in releasing Caroline to return her to her life had moved Castiel so much back then. He'd never known an angel who had willingly released their vessel, who had decided to put the life of their vessel first, until Hannah. Even in all his years of being on Earth, learning about these humans he'd always been so fascinated with, he had never considered giving Jimmy up. Even when it broke the man's family, even when he had learned about the fate of Jimmy's wife or how Claire had spent the years afterward. He had caused that. But did he ever once think about sacrificing his convenience for Jimmy? He hadn't because giving Jimmy up would have meant that he would have had to stay in heaven indefinitely and he would never see Dean or Sam again and he simply had not been willing to make that choice.

But Hannah had. Hannah had clearly wanted to stay, wanted to see what Castiel saw in this strange blue-green world. And most of all, he knew she wanted to be closer to him. Hannah's feelings for him had bothered him and he couldn't let himself feel the same way, even though he had clearly wanted it to. Thinking back on it, he remembered how she was so concerned about his fading grace, begging and pleading with him every chance she had to think about himself. She'd been one of the few people in Castiel's life to really be so concerned with him that way, and perhaps that is why it made him uncomfortable. He was unaccustomed to being made to feel any worth for himself.

But even if Hannah had loved him, she had ultimately chosen Caroline over herself. Giving up Caroline meant that she had to return to heaven, that she could never again meet Castiel on Earth. Although she had been forced to take another vessel, to try to mend their friendship, that act had ultimately cost Hannah her life. And that is something Castiel was having a hard time stomaching. He'd cost so many angels their lives. Some who had tried to hurt him or his friends, and some who had risked loving him. All of them had paid the price for being associated with him.

It all brought him back to the deal he made with the empty. He smirked, thinking how easy it was. In the darkness of the early dawn, Castiel's gaze moved to the second bed where Jack slept peacefully. Jack. His son. He had made that deal so Jack could live and he would have done it in a heartbeat. But, he thought about the Empty's words- how it would come for him when he finds happiness. It had made him realize that he had not really felt true happiness. Sam and Dean were his friends. They were like brothers to him. And Jack was his son and he was the one being that brought Castiel something close to happiness. But… Castiel's life had been empty for a long time. The weight of his actions over the past decade had borne down on him, and perhaps, deep down, he felt death wasn't such a bad thing for him.

Castiel didn't deserve to be happy. That's what the angel told himself. It's what he clung to. He realized it must be why Hannah's concerns for his life had bothered him so much- why did she think he deserved to live? He certainly didn't. In fact, he had welcomed death at the hands of his fading grace back then. That's why he refused to divulge her concerns, why he brushed her off over and over everytime she brought it up. He deserved to die. He deserved to suffer, why didn't she see that?

He'd done things. He'd hurt people. He'd hurt angels. He devastated Jimmy Novak's life, he had gotten Hannah killed. So when the empty asked for his existence in exchange for his son, he eagerly accepted. How could he not? Jack was kind, loving, innocent. Despite all the evil that had been promised with his birth, he had been the one shining star in Castiel's life. He was worth anything Castiel could give.

Castiel's thoughts were interrupted by the soft moaning coming from the bed. He glanced over to see Caroline squirming slightly under the blankets. The angel was immediately on her feet, approaching her bedside with caution. She moaned, whimpered, her brows knitted together in a grimace of… pain? Fear? Sweat glistened along her hairline as she tossed her head back and forth.

"Please…" she cried into the night, her eyes squeezed shut. "Help me… someone help me… I'm drowning… it hurts…"

Castiel winced in sympathy. He leaned forward and gently took her shoulders, trying to rouse her from her slumber.

"NO!" she half yelled half screamed the one word as she shot up in bed, her eyes flying open, cerulean blue orbs wide with primal fear.

"Caroline," Castiel sat down on the side of her bed, looking at her with concern. "You were having a nightmare."

Caroline's gaze flicked slowly to him, and she blinked a few time in recognition as she gasped for air, letting herself calm down gradually. "Not nightmares…" she said after a while. "Memories…"

"How long have you had them?" Castiel asked with concern. Beyond Caroline's form, Jack sat up in bed, wiping the sleep out of his eyes as he glanced in their direction with interest.

"Since Hannah…" Caroline admitted. "It's the same… feeling like I'm drowning, suffocating and no one can hear me scream… no one except her."

"Oh, Caroline…" Castiel murmured his heartbreaking for this woman and everything she has suffered. "I'm so sor-"

"No," she said quickly, holding up a hand. "No. Don't say that. You don't get to say that, Castiel. You did this to Jimmy. I'm sure you are sorry for what it cost him but are you sorry enough ever to take back your actions?"

Castiel sighed, the weight of guilt dropping to the pit of his stomach like rocks. That was the question, wasn't it? Knowing what he had done to Jimmy, could he, would he, ever go back and undo it all? Even if it meant never meeting Dean or Sam? Even if it meant erasing the past decade of his life. His memories? His emotions? Emotions that he'd never allowed himself to have before and were still an exploration he had yet to master?

"I don't know," he admitted, hanging his head in shame. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the movement as Jack got out of bed and crossed the motel, huddling against himself as the cold air hit him. He made his way over to Castiel and stood in front of both of them.

"Would you like to eat breakfast?" he asked, glancing at Caroline. Castiel was brought back to the reality of Caroline's circumstance. Homeless for three years institutionalized and abandoned for one.

"When have you eaten last?" Castiel asked. "And your clothing. It snowed quite a bit last night; you cannot survive in that."

"I've worn the same thing for three years," Caroline admitted. "My hospital gown, jeans, and a sweater. It's all I have."

Castiel sighed. The abject poverty to be found down here was the hardest thing for Castiel to get used to. How some humans could live in luxury while others lived in squalor and misery, it was something he couldn't wrap his mind around. He had experienced it once himself when Metatron had stolen his grace, rendering him human. He had been reduced to destitution, desperate for money, living in buses, constantly staving off never-ending hunger, cold, fear. Castel could only imagine how it might have hardened Caroline.

"Come on," he said gently as he got to his feet. He crossed to the chair he had been sitting on to grab his trench coat. Handing it to her, he gazed at her as she got out of bed and put it on. "We'll get you some warmer clothes and something to eat."

Caroline complied and over the course of the day, Castiel and Jack tagged along while she tried on clothes. Sometime in the late afternoon, she stood with Castiel while Jack waited in line to get some hot chocolate. The woman had been transformed. She now wore a pair of knee high boots, a new pair of dark blue jeans, a black knit long sleeved blouse, a grey blouse over it, and a thick grey trench coat which was reminiscent of the grey blazer Hannah used to wear. Her dark chestnut brown hair was pulled back from her face as it hung down past her shoulders. Her thick bangs hung down to her brows. Her large oval shaped brilliantly cerulean blue eyes shined a little brighter even if her skin hugged her bones, as it was clear she had gotten accustomed to not eating much.

She stood there now, beside him, eyes darting through the crowd nervously. The two of them stood in a small downtown courtyard surrounded by shops and kiosks and carts selling various items. A thick blanket of snow covered the lawn around them, and the air was chilly, if only mildly breezy. "So you are supposed to protect me against someone like me?"

"His name is Nick," Castiel explained. "He was Lucifer's vessel for about eight years. We don't know how he managed to survive after Lucifer died, but as you might imagine, he's human again, and he's dealing with the repercussions of being Lucifer's vessel."

Caroline only smirked, lowering her gaze slightly. "Who has he killed so far?"

"We've tracked about half a dozen so far," Castiel explained. "All empty vessels. The latest was only a child. A young girl from Wyoming."

Caroline was swallowing visibly, the expression on her face told him she was afraid. She probably thought she would never hear about another angel again. And now to be confronted with this so suddenly must be overwhelming.

"I don't even know him," she murmured. "I don't understand what he could want with me. I didn't do anything to him."

"He's frustrated, and he's acting out his trauma," Castiel explained, although he could only guess at Nick's motives. In a way, he couldn't really blame Nick for what he must be feeling, and he felt plenty of sympathy for special kind of horror the man must be reliving again and again inside his own mind.

But Castiel and Jack had been on his trail for a few days now and they've investigated the various crime scenes he'd left behind. Local authorities had been left stunned by the atrocious conditions in which they'd found the bodies. Tortured, mutilated. None of them died quickly. None except the latest victim. A young girl. They'd found her with a clean blow to her head, little evidence of previous trauma. A mercy killing, perhaps. So Nick was capable of mercy, somewhere deep inside his psyche. Castiel wondered if somehow, some way, he could be reasoned with or if he has already too far gone.

"So there are many others like me?" Caroline questioned, her voice betraying her concern as she looked at him, if briefly. She seemed afraid to look him in the eye for very long, as soon as he met her gaze she would quickly look away as if ashamed of being caught.

"There are a few," Castiel admitted. "More so these days."

"What do you mean?" Caroline's demeanor portrayed a timid woman. Always cautious, always withdrawn, though those hardened eyes told him her experiences had changed her outlook. There was an almost paranoid way at which her eyes darted around the crowd as if she was waiting, expecting something to jump out and grab her.

"The angels are dying," Castiel explained, watching her for a reaction. "The wars in heaven. The fall. Everything that's happened, it's all taken a heavy toll. There are now less than a dozen angels left alive. So there are empty vessels everywhere."

"What happens to heaven without the angels?" Caroline wanted to know. Castiel was sure she'd gotten an education about heaven while she shared her existence with Hannah, but she had probably not quite understood everything. It was a lot to know as if the knowledge of the cosmos had suddenly been transplanted into her mind and she was left scrambling to make sense of it all.

"Heaven can't survive without angels," Castiel explained. "And without us to keep the lights on, it will crumble. All the souls contained in heaven will fall back to earth."

At that moment, Jack returned with a couple of cups of hot chocolate in his hands. He handed them out to each of them and Castiel and Caroline accepted happily.

"Thank you, Jack," Castiel said. He glanced from Jack's smiling, gleaming face to Caroline's cautious, withdrawn one.

"It's getting late," Castiel announced. It was around four in the late afternoon, and as it was winter, the sun was already beginning to set. "Could I take you both to dinner?"

Jack grinned wide. "What should we eat?" he asked excitedly. He looked to Caroline for answers. "What are your favorite foods?"

"Oh I don't need much," she assured him, smiling politely at the Nephilim. "It's been so long since I've eaten this much and these clothes… they are warm."

"You look beautiful in them," Jack told her, making her blush a little, as she glanced at Castiel. He nodded in confirmation.

"I concur," he agreed. "And please, I've been on this world long enough to know that a full stomach isn't enough. Humans take great pleasure in eating, and I want you to choose a place where we can eat what gives you pleasure."

"We could get all dressed up. Like in the movies," Jack suggested eagerly. "And go somewhere fancy."

Castiel had to smile at Jack's simple innocence. He often had to remind himself that the young Nephilim was only a year old, even though he appeared to be a typical teenage boy. Castiel was happy to see his suggestion had earned a small but genuine smile from Caroline as well.

"I know," Jack suggested. "I'll pick a restaurant. You two go back to the motel and get freshen up and when I find the right one I'll come to get you." Castiel frowned, not sure he liked the idea of splitting up, but Jack waved him off quickly. "Don't worry, Dean taught me how to drive, I'll drop you off."

"Nick is out there," Castiel replied. "And you are still recovering."

"My grace is better," Jack replied. "Not back to full power yet but I'm not afraid of Nick. And he is after Caroline so you should stay with her. Please Castiel…"

Jack's face fell a little, and Castiel sensed there was a determination in his voice. "What is it, Jack?" he asked. The Nephilim shrugged, looking at the floor.

"It's just… I want to do something for you," he muttered. "For you, Castiel… because… what you did for me. And because I want to learn how to be a son. Isn't it what sons do for their fathers?"

Caroline looked at Castiel with questions in her eyes, and he sighed. He'd have to explain that to her. He looked at Jack and reluctantly agreed.

They spent another hour or so shopping for evening clothes. Then Jack dropped Castiel and Caroline back off at the motel. As he came in after her and closed the door, Caroline turned to face the angel.

"What did he mean back there?" she wanted to know as she studied his face for a moment before sitting down on the edge of the bed. "What did you do?"

Castiel sighed and sat down on the bed beside her, pivoting his torso slightly to face her. "Jack may not be my biological son, but I love him," he began. "And… he was dying. He did die. I thought I lost him. So I went to heaven to get him back and… I made a deal with the empty."

"The empty?" Caroline repeated. "That place angels go when they die?"

Castiel nodded. "Jack went to heaven when he died. But because he is half angel, the empty felt entitled to him. I made a deal. Me instead of him. The entity hasn't come to collect yet but it will."

Caroline sighed, looking down at her hands as they rested in her lap. After a pause, she lifted her gaze and looked- actually looked- at him. "She cared about you, you know," she said. "Hannah. I shared her thoughts, and she loved you."

"I know," Castiel admitted. He hesitated. He had grown to care for Hannah. Her death had hurt him deeper than any other had. He wasn't sure if it was love, but he wondered if it could have been if they had had time. Emotions didn't come easily for angels and Castiel always admired Hannah for her ability to feel things deeply. It was her passion, her kindness, her trust in him that he admired about her.

And Caroline was not Hannah. She shared her body; it was hard for Castiel to look at her and not see Hannah. But she was not. This was a shy, withdrawn, timid woman who had been hardened by the harsh life she had been dealt. Hannah's passions seemed not to be present. She appeared almost… empty. She was merely going through the motions in life. Not really living. Had she always been that way or was this just one more broken human that the angels destroyed?

"I know you probably don't care for her," Castiel began. "But… Hannah would be devastated to know what had become of you."

Caroline inhaled sharply and quickly dropped her gaze. "I have been on survival mode for so long. I haven't really cared about living, but I suppose I am too cowardly to just let myself die. So… I've just been here… but not alive. It's been so long since…"

She trailed away, her voice becoming husky with emotion. Castiel reached over and used a finger to gently lift her chin. She gazed up at him, her eyes glistening with tears. It seemed that simple, gentle touch broke something within her. First, her face scrunched up and then suddenly, she was in his arms, propelling herself to him, planting her face into his shoulder.

Castiel was a little taken aback by the sudden surge of emotion, but he pulled her in, holding her tight as her body shook with sobs. She cried hard. "I don't know who I am anymore…" she sobbed. "It's been this way for so long. It didn't matter what I did, I've done some things, just to get a place to sleep for the night and a hot meal. When it would be so much easier just to die."

"Wait… what things?" Castiel pulled her back, looking at her in the eye. Her face was red and tear stained, but she sucked in a breath, composing herself enough to speak.

"Sometimes," she said softly. "There would be men near a nightclub. Lingering in the night. The first time, I hadn't eaten in a week. It was cold. I never knew their names; their names were unimportant. It didn't matter. Motels, in the back of their cars, wherever… as long as I had a place to sleep."

Castiel felt almost nauseous. He closed his eyes, pulling her back to him, holding her tight. This was a broken woman. Broken because of angels. What she had been put through, it struck him to the core.

A few moments passed before she lifted herself up to look at him. "Their touch was never gentle," she said, her voice taking on a whole new tone… her demeanor suddenly hinting at something unspoken. "There was never any warmth."

"I'm so sorry, Caroline," Castiel offered. He swallowed, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze.

"I haven't felt like a woman in so very long," she continued. She reached out to take his hand, placing it onto the side of her cheek, her eyes darkening with desire.

"Caroline…" he swallowed, feeling the heat rise within him. "You don't want this…"

"Don't I?" she retorted. "She wanted it, why can't I? Is it so wrong to want affection? Don't you owe me as much? Haven't I given enough to you angels?"

Before he could say anything, she suddenly shot forward, pressing her lips to his urgently, desperately with a force that lowered them both onto the bed. She fell over him, kissing him.

Castiel felt his body react to her touch. He needed to resist, wanted to resist, but perhaps he was broken too, and this is what broken people did. He returned her kiss, tensely at first, as he ran a hand through her hair.

She stopped to look down at him, sensing his resistance. "What's wrong with you?" she demanded.

"Caroline, this isn't you," he explained, gazing up at her. "I don't want to take advantage of you. I know you are scared, but-"

At that moment, the door burst open and Jack strode in. He was wearing a smile, but quickly turned to a frown when he saw them. Caroline quickly scrambled off of Castiel and got to her feet, face flushing red with embarrassment.

"I got us a place," Jack announced. Then, cocking his head in confusion, as he attempted to process the scene before him. "Where you two about to do the sex?"

"Uh, no," Caroline said quickly. "I… uh need some fresh air. Be back in a moment." With that, she darted for the door, eager to escape the situation. She slammed it, a little forcefully, behind her, leaving Castiel and Jack in her wake, trying to figure out what had just happened.