Late the next morning, Castiel returned to the motel room after a quick trip to the motel lobby to pay their bill, he entered the room to find Jack quickly stuffing things into his duffel bag. He was already dressed, and when he noticed Castiel, he only smiled at him.
"Caroline is in the shower," Jack said with a bright smile as Castiel was suddenly aware of the sound of the shower running in the bathroom.
"And where are you going?" Castiel questioned, his eyes settling on the duffel bag as Jack zipped it and threw it over his shoulder, standing up.
"Oh I'm meeting up with Sam and Dean in the next town over," Jack explained. "Can I borrow the truck? I'll be back later this evening. Maybe tomorrow."
Castiel blinked at the speed at which the Nephilim relayed the information and asked for the truck. "Wait, slow down, Jack," he implored gripping Jack on the shoulders as he went to reach for the truck keys laying on the table. "I'm afraid you'll have to provide me with a little more. Why do Sam and Dean want to meet up and why don't they just come here?"
"They're on a hunt," Jack explained. "They are 'pressed for time' as Sam called it. But they said they had some information about Nick that could be important."
Castiel frowned, trying to wrap his head around what Jack was saying. His hesitation caused the Nephilim to frown. "So can I have the truck?" he asked. "I promise not to crash it. Dean taught me to drive the impala."
"I-I know," Castiel mumbled. "It's not the truck I am concerned about. Nick is out there, Jack. I am concerned for your safety."
"Nick isn't after me," Jack reminded him. "I'll call and check in all day if you want." His eyes pleaded with Castiel and finally, the angel sighed in defeat, moving aside so Jack could get to the keys.
"Oh, and how was last night?" Jack wondered, a brow raising with curiosity and a small smirk on his face. "With you and Caroline I mean."
"Jack," Castiel warned, seeing where this conversation is heading. "I don't think you quite understand how certain aspects of human rituals work. I'm not sure I understand either."
"Oh no I understand," Jack insisted nonchalantly. "I know all about that stuff now. Courting, dating, flowers, sex."
Castiel narrowed his eyes, looking the Nephilim up and down suspiciously. "How do you know this?"
"Dean told me," Jack explained. "Oh and… I watched some stuff while you two were out. You know, on the TV. Don't worry, Castiel, if you need advice on this matter, I can teach you what I know. The programs I saw were really quite enlightening. If not… graphic."
Castiel groaned, not encouraged by Jack's new found knowledge on this subject. He felt compelled to question the Nephilim further, but he was already heading for the door. "I may need to correct any possible misconceptions you may have picked up when you return," he told him. "Just be careful, Jack."
Jack hurried over and hugged Castiel tight. "I'll be careful, I promise," he assured the angel. "Oh and don't forget to use protection." With that he scurried out the door and was gone, leaving Castiel to ponder over what he had meant with his last words.
"Protection?" he mumbled as he heard the bathroom door open.
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"Protection?" Caroline emerged from the bathroom after she had finished getting dressed. She wore a pair of thick black leggings, a long sleeve skater dress which was decorated with color schemed and floral patterns of various hues of purples, blues, and greens. A thinly knit scarlet red scarf hung from her neck, and her dark hair hung loosely as it was still wet from her shower.
She was getting used to the idea of being clean and feeling beautiful. Of course, she was still very skinny, her three years of homelessness hadn't done her any favors, but she felt beautiful. Maybe even alive. She caught sight of Castiel who stood by the door, in his typical beige trenchcoat. She noted the emptiness in the room and glanced around. "Where's Jack?"
"He went to meet up with the Winchesters," Castiel replied, crossing the room to come to a halt in front of her. "You look nice, Caroline."
Caroline blushed slightly at the compliment as she and Castiel sat in unison at the foot of one of the beds. She eyed him for a moment, feeling the anxiety and dread seeping through her bones. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about what he said last night. How he planned to show her how to make a choice, take a stand, and it was terrifying her.
"About last night," she began, dropping her gaze bashfully as she stumbled over her words. "I, uh, I don't really think it's necessary. I mean I appreciate what you were trying to do, but I'm okay, really."
She fidgeted nervously with her thumbs, a growing lump in her throat. After all, there was something she wanted, and she had already tried to get it from him, and he had already refused. She couldn't risk being rejected again.
"Caroline," his voice, full of concern, brought her gaze back to him. To those amazing blue eyes that made her want to melt. But his look of concern for her, it made her think back to her time with him as Hannah.
"You know," she said firmly. "When we were working together, when I was with Hannah, I remember about your grace. You seemed to have gotten it back."
Her statement was a desperate attempt to change the subject as well as a genuine interest in him. She remembered Hannah's worry for him as she had watched him slowly deteriorate, she remembered her desperation.
"Yes," he confirmed. "It wasn't easy, but yes, I did."
"And you've been happy since then? I see how you look at Jack; you care about him."
Castiel sighed long and hard, his eyes flicking to the side as he contemplated her words. "Jack is my happiness," he told her, bringing a smile to her face. "But other than that… the last few years haven't been easy. And of course, losing Hannah hurt."
"Hannah was willing to deal with Metatron for you," Caroline informed him. "You changed her. She went from being a soldier, and angel's angel, to having passion. She had more passion that I've ever had. I've never really felt that and I'm human."
"Hannah changed me too," Castiel told her. She watched him for a moment, waiting for him to continue. He seemed to be recalling something. Remembering. "Her compassion for you, giving you up, letting you return to your life, it inspired me to look into my own vessel."
"Jimmy Novak?" Caroline perked up at the mention of the man whose body Castiel was inhabiting. She knew nothing about him. "Tell me."
"Well," he began. "Jimmy was a good man. Devout. I guess he may have been what Dean would call a 'square' although I fail to understand what shape has to do with Jimmy."
"It means… kinda boring and plain," Caroline said. "Like me." She smiled at the irony. She wondered what would have happened if she had met Jimmy.
"Yes, I suppose," Castiel replied. "Although you are far from plain, Caroline. In any case, Jimmy was a salesman. He had a wife and a daughter whom he adored. Claire. After I dropped you off, I looked into her and…" he trailed away, emotion crossing his face as he glanced away, clearing his throat. He paused.
"Castiel?" Caroline prompted softly, reaching forward to touch his arm. "Tell me about Claire."
"I ruined her life," he blurted out, the emotion coming off his tongue like a pile of bricks. "She uh… she was in a group home when I found her. Her mom went looking for Jimmy, I guess. Claire was an orphan. I orphaned her. And she grew up on the streets, she was a very troubled young girl, and it was all my fault. I took her father away, and I took something even more important to him. Her innocence. Her naivety about what was really out there."
Caroline swallowed that story hard. Her heart went out to that girl — just another victim of angels. Her first instinct was to resent him, the way she resented Hannah, but she couldn't bring herself to. And in all honesty, she could never truly resent Hannah either. "Castiel," she said gently, letting her hand move along his arm to his hand, gripping it as he had done for her. "It was Jimmy's choice. He said yes. You had no way of knowing…"
There was a potency in this conversation that Caroline felt in her very core. She chose Hannah. She made that decision. And that decision changed her life forever, but it was her choice.
"This is why I just can't," Castiel told her, looking at her, the regret in his eyes. "With you, I can't take advantage of you. Don't you see, Caroline? My choices have caused devastation. I've hurt so many angels and humans. I've ruined a girl's life; I killed her parents. Now, instead of having a normal happy life, she'll be a hunter and most likely die a cruel death someday at the hands of something who just got the better of her. I did that to her."
"The fact that you regret that speaks volumes as to the kind of person you are," Caroline told him. "Most angels wouldn't care about Claire. Hannah didn't care about me at first, but she learned to. You taught her that. And no matter how badly you keep messing up, you keep trying to do what's right."
Castiel looked at her then, his expression pensive as if trying to decide if she was serious. The look on his face was one of shock as if he had never considered the prospect that he was good.
Caroline inched closer to him, until their bodies were touching until she could look up and be mere millimeters from his face. So she could feel his warmth. "You've been holding back for me?"
Castiel nodded. "Your story… I don't want to be one of those men who took advantage of you. In a way, I took advantage of Jimmy. And there's no way I could ever make up for that. And I can't risk making a mistake with you."
"No one has really cared about my well being," Caroline admitted, looking back on her life and realizing how true that was of all the people who had been in it. "You could never take advantage of me, Castiel. You aren't capable of that sort of cruelty." She scoffed a little thinking about the men she'd let touch her. "Besides, those men, it was my fault-"
"No," Castiel cut her off abruptly. "It was not your fault. It was never your fault; it doesn't matter what your reasoning for doing it was, it was never your fault."
"My parents would say it was," she said softly, dropping her gaze a little. "That I deserved it."
"They are wrong," Castiel insisted. A pause passed between them, and Caroline slowly let her gaze drift back up to him. Their eyes locked and this time, instead of seeing the look of rejection in his eyes, the doubt and rebuking, he only stared right back, fixated on her.
Caroline thought her heart would beat right out of her chest as they inched closer and closer, their intent clear. She felt him brush a hand against her cheek, the touch causing an electrical torrent of sensation within her. But none more so than when he finally pressed his lips to hers, her eyes drifting shut as she melted into him.
There was a connection that was far more profound than that kiss — a desire that went far beyond the physical. Her mouth fell opened deepening the kiss, the feeling of his breath on her lips made her skin tingle with anticipation. She pressed her body to his, closing whatever gap remained between them as she pivoted around to him, her palm bracing against his chest.
His lips parted from hers, and she gasped in as his kisses trailed down her neck, prompting her to arch it into his touch. She was vaguely aware of how her body slowly lowered onto the bed and how his body lowered with her, his weight pressing against her as her head sunk into the pile of messy blankets.
"Castiel…" she whispered, clasping a hand on his and guiding him to the end of her dress, and then under. She wasn't aware of the hesitation at first as he slowly moved his hand up to make contact with her torso, inching ever closer to the edge of her bra. But he looked at her, pulling apart from the kisses, reluctance in his eyes as he toyed with her bra with uncertainty.
"What is it?" she wondered, suddenly afraid that he was going to reject him again. She bit her lip, bracing herself inwardly — the heat permeating off of both of their bodies still circulating between them, both of them breathing heavily.
"Nothing," he replied at first. But then, "it's just… I've never, I just want this to be right. I'm worried we are rushing."
Caroline sighed, at first feeling confused and frustrated, trying to sort out how she could get through to him. It was the right time. She felt it. She wasn't just trying to seduce him like before, throwing herself at him in an attempt to force the affection she so desperately craved from him. This was different. They weren't going to have sex; they were going to make love.
But she realized Castiel, in his lack of experience, was nervous. She didn't know much about the history of his sex life, but she suspected, knowing from Hannah, that angels didn't exactly go looking for these kinds of opportunities.
"I'll tell you what," she said as she sat up, he along with her. "I'm hungry. I'm human; we tend to need food. I'm going to go get something to eat, and when I come back, we are going to finish this."
"Caroline-" she put up a hand. She wasn't letting this one go this time. She was giving him a momentary pass, but that was all. And she realized, a small smile forming on her face, that she was really making this her choice.
"You told me to make choices," she reminded him, brushing a hand to his cheek lovingly. "Well, I'm making one. I'm going to leave, and when I come back, there will be nothing between us. Castiel… we've shared so much already. I want everything to be right too… you trust me don't you?"
Castiel smiled, "yes, I do," he admitted. "Alright. I promise. I want this too, Caroline."
She saw sincerity there and leaned forward to kiss him, deeply, pointedly, a premise of what was to come. He returned the kiss with no hesitation, and the two lingered before she finally got to her feet and moved away from him, eyes lingering on him as she walked towards the door, grabbing her coat and wallet on the way by. He watched her go, his expression beckoning her to hurry back.
"I won't be long," she promised.
"Hurry back," he replied as he sat on the bed, watching her go.
She felt as though she was leaving a lover long term; she had a strange sensation that their goodbye was haunting, even painful, even though it would only be a few minutes. Just a few minutes and she'd be in his arms again, and this time there would be nothing but emotion and passion between them.
She kept her mind on that as she absentmindedly crossed the parking lot of the motel, heading towards the small diner in front of her. She didn't hear the footsteps, so when she was grabbed from behind, a rag reeking of chloroform suddenly shoved to her face, she only uttered a soft squeak before she felt dizzy, her legs giving out beneath her as darkness descended over her, her last feeling was of a pair of arms catching her as she fell backward.
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Castiel remained where Caroline had left him, sitting on the edge of the bed, his clothes slightly ruffled, as he stared at the closed door, willing it to open. He thought about the woman who had been beside him not moments before, kissing him, touching him, beckoning him. Castiel had never felt quite like this, so… out of control.
He had resisted her advances, telling himself he was doing it because he wouldn't and couldn't take advantage of her like that. He wasn't going to be like the men who had taken advantage of her, who used her, and after everything she'd been through, he never wanted to add to her misery. But maybe there was another reason. Maybe he felt he didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve to have this kind of happiness. He didn't deserve to have another person care this much for him, to want to touch him both physically and emotionally.
Perhaps that is why he pulled back at the last moment. Why he hesitated. But now, sitting here, waiting for her, anticipating what was to come, he was never so sure of anything. He wanted this, and he wasn't going to stop her this time. He wanted to feel the warmth of her touch, see the desire in her eyes for him. It had been there all this time, and he had blown it off.
Castiel wasn't very experienced in this sort of thing, after all. The only sexual encounter he had ever had was with April, and it was nothing like there, there was no love, no emotion behind it. This was different. He and Caroline weren't going to have sex; they were going to make love. It was going to be something he had never experienced before, and he wanted it to be right for both of them.
But, as he sat there, waiting, he frowned. It was taking her a long time to come back. The diner was across the parking lot, and surely she should have been back by now. A gnawing feeling began to work its way into his core. A nagging concern that something was wrong. No, perhaps she had just decided to sit down and eat. She'd be back. She'd be back…
Castiel pursed his lips; he stared at the door so hard he was sure he could drill a hole through it. Minutes passed. An hour… a whole hour. That was it; he had to find her. He just had to be sure. He got up and was outside the motel in mere seconds.
Outside, the air was freezingly cold and ominous. A thick blanket of menacing fog had descended upon them, shrouding much of the parking lot from view. "Caroline!" Castiel called out into the clouds, his voice fading away in the howling wind.
And then, something caught his eye, something laying on the pavement. He had to get very close to see for sure, but once it came into view, Castiel was sure his heart froze. A hammer. And pinned underneath it was the scarlet red scarf Caroline had been wearing. Picking them both up in his hands, Castiel was suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Nick...
