Max woke up when a sunbeam slid in through the window and smacked her in the face, announcing the early winter morning. She grimaced and opened her eyes to a throbbing headache, a dry mouth, and a sneaking suspicion that the previous night had been a vivid, pleasant, but ultimately false memory. Then she felt the bed move beside her, caught the reflection of pale skin in the light as Chloe turned over, and the events of the previous night came flooding back in a pleasant wave.
Max stared at her until her chest began to ache. She fought an urge to part her long blonde hair and kiss every inch of skin she saw, from her oily forehead to the scabs on her chin - then cringed internally about how strange that sounded. Max wondered how it was possible to feel so many different things at the same time for one person? She considered, as she always did, why she felt this way?
When I look at her, I feel like crying, but also laughing and maybe throwing up. Is this love?
If not...if it wasn't love that made me smoke weed with Chloe last night, take off my clothes in front of her, and ask her to be my girlfriend, then what else could it have been?
Her mother certainly wouldn't call it "love," though she reasoned most adults wouldn't. Max was certain that if she were to find out about them, her mother would raise hell. She'd tell her that she was only 13 and she shouldn't be thinking about such things as love and dating. Nevermind, she thought, the whole "dating a girl" thing, and the "dating Chloe" thing.
She didn't even want to think about what her father would say.
Max's eyes lit up as she realized: she had a girlfriend. She had asked Chloe to be her girlfriend and Chloe - her best friend - said yes.
Mom used to say how lucky she was to marry her best friend. Maybe I will too?
Much as she did the previous night on some occasions, Max wished she had her camera with her. She wanted to see if she could capture the serenity of the sleeping beauty beside her…
Well, I think she's beautiful anyway…
...and keep a still-life of this moment to remember always. Or at least for the month that Max was away.
I don't want to go! I don't want to be away from Chloe for a whole month!
She looked at her sullenly, biting her lower lip to keep the tears that were forming in her eyes from falling.
Why does love have to feel like this? When we were younger, things were so much simpler. I could play with Chloe and not...ache when we weren't together!
"Fuck it!" she thought finally, and her fingers brushed the blonde hair in front of her aside. She kissed Chloe, lingered momentarily, then nipped Chloe's lower lip before pulling away. "I love you." Max whispered, smiling.
Chloe let out an unintelligible grumble of protest and weakly pushed Max back, then rolled onto her other side and farted. Max let out a snort of laughter and lay back down with a smile.
"How romantic." she giggled to herself, licking her lips and tasting strawberry balm.
That smile kept sneaking back onto Max's face over brunch when they finally got out of bed late the next morning as Joyce asked the two of them their plans for the day. "It's a nice day out there; not too cold. A shame you didn't bring your bike, Max. I'd hate for the two of you to spend the whole day indoors."
Max wiped a piece of toast over some remnant egg yolk on her plate and shrugged. "We could always go for a walk or something."
Chloe groaned, "This weekend is supposed to be about chilling out and fun; not going for a hike!" Max felt Chloe nudge her leg under the table.
She rolled her eyes at her and stuck her tongue out. Max giggled and felt that fluttering sensation starting in her gut again.
"Well...I guess if we have to go out, there's that park down the street." Chloe said to her mother, although she continued to look at Max. "It has a skateboard ramp, so I could show Max how awesome I am."
My girlfriend is awesome...and beautiful.
"You mean what a total dork you are?" Max said.
"You two…" Joyce said with a shake of her head and a smile. "Why don't I clear the dishes and you girls can head out for a while. Maybe we'll put the Christmas tree up tonight so Max can help decorate it?"
"Yeah, that'd be great!" Max said, clearing her place setting.
Chloe put a hand on her arm and Max looked at her with a raised eyebrow of inquiry. "What are you doing? Leave the dishes for mom, Max. If we're going to go out, let's head out."
She's wearing her hair tied back today in a bun. I wonder if it's because I told her how beautiful it makes her look?
Gah, what's wrong with me!? Why am I acting like such a spaz?
Joyce smirked, "You know, Chloe; you could stand to be as polite as Max."
Chloe rolled her eyes again, "Yeah, yeah, mom! Come on, Max; let's blow."
Max was zipping her jacket up by the front door when Chloe gave her a shove, "Way to suck up to mom, dummy!"
Max turned back toward the kitchen where Joyce was still washing dishes, then looked back at Chloe. "Sorry. Just trying to be a good guest, I suppose," she said with a shrug.
Chloe let out a sigh and picked at the scab on her chin, "I know, Max. It's not your fault you're such a suck-up. I guess things have been...awkward with mom for the past few weeks. We've sometimes been fighting; well, more than sometimes. We fight about money...and chores...and other stuff. Sometimes...well...not just sometimes, Max, the only time I'm happy is when I'm around you."
Max frowned and brushed her fingers on the back of Chloe's hand, "I'm sorry to hear that, Chlo. I wish...I really wish I didn't have to go away for a month. I'm really going to miss you."
Chloe nodded and gave Max a small, sad smile which belied the clear pain in her eyes. "Well...um...you'll be back, right? I'm your girlfriend now, right, so you have to come back to me!" she said. Then the smile faded, and she added, "After the holidays, you are going to come back...won't you, Max?"
Max nodded emphatically, suddenly being reminded of the tape she had left for Chloe back when she thought she was moving away for good.
Even when we're apart, we'll always be together…
With a quick look behind her to ensure her mother was still busy in the kitchen, Chloe grabbed Max around the waist. Even after silently giving her permission with a gaze, Max still gasped in surprise as Chloe pulled her closer. With a gentle touch, Chloe reached up and stroked the side of Max's face, brushing some stray hairs out of her eyes and running her fingers over Max's freckled cheek. There was something sure about her touch, yet Chloe's eyes silently conveyed to Max something desperate and anxious. Max's breathing quickened in anticipation, her cheeks growing hot at the feel of Chloe's fingers; the scent of egg yolk and table syrup was on Chloe's breath as it tickled the end of Max's nose in rapid puffs of air.
As Chloe's hand moved down Max's face to cup her chin, Max reached up and took it. Staring at Chloe's long fingers and chewed nails, she closed her eyes and brought the hand up to her face; it smelled of breakfast foods, sweat, and the faint hint of soap. A shiver ran through Max, and she felt goosebumps forming on her arms and legs. Her eyes opened again, meeting her girlfriend's piercing blue eyes that flashed her a longing gaze that Max already knew the meaning behind. The fluttery feeling in her belly moved lower still and Max bit her lower lip as her legs squeezed together again Chloe reached up and cupped Max's chin with her hand, and this time Max let her guide their faces together as lips finally met lips. Waves of joy repeatedly washed over Max while their lips and tongues danced together in youthful enthusiasm.
Max felt brief disorientation as reality rushed back to her with the slow separation of Chloe's mouth from hers when their embrace finally ended. Chloe's moist lips shaped themselves into a goofy grin that Max matched.
"Wow…" Max whispered.
"Wow." Chloe repeated, then added, "We...um...should go, I guess. I mean...before mom comes out of the kitchen and sees...you know..."
For half a block, the two moved in silence - Max walking with her hands in her pockets and Chloe slowly rolling along on her skateboard beside her.
How can we go from making out, to an awkward silence?
As Max searched for something to say, Chloe broke the silence. "So, last night was pretty rad, huh?"
Max smiled and nodded at her, "Yeah, definitely. My legs are sore from all the jumping around, though."
Chloe looked pensive as she slowly rolled along down the sidewalk. "You definitely have some moves," she said with a smile. "When you get back after Christmas, you and I are going to have to hit some clubs."
Max shrugged in response. "If you want, but I think the slow-dance we did was more my speed."
"We did slow dance, didn't we?" Chloe said, shooting her arms out to steady herself as her board hit a rough patch.
Max took Chloe's hand to help her balance. "Yeah, we did. It was nice...from what I remember, at least."
Chloe let out a snort of laughter. "Holy fuck, we got so high last night."
"Yeah. I...didn't really like not being in full control of what I was doing." Max said.
"You mean like when we gave each other strip shows?" Chloe said, giving Max a knowing smirk.
Max's cheeks caught on fire. "Oh jeez! I really wish we didn't do that."
Chloe shrugged and lifted the skateboard under her arm, while keeping ahold of Max's hand. "I didn't think it was that big a deal, Max; was it? It's not like we haven't changed in front of each other before. I'm pretty sure we even took baths together when we were little."
"I...guess so," Max replied. "But things are different now, aren't they? We're...different now."
"You mean because we have boobs and pubes?" Chloe said with a smirk.
Max cringed at her bluntness, "Yeah...that. I guess...it's just...I dunno, Chlo. I mean, you're right...I guess it's not that big a deal. But.." Max frowned and, trailing off, looked away.
"No if's, but's or coconuts, Max! Besides…" Chloe squeezed Max's hand, and she turned to look at her. "I'm your girlfriend now, so I'm allowed to see you nude, right?"
Max smiled, "I...suppose."
"In fact…" Chloe added, "since you're my girlfriend, you're allowed to see me nude too. You could even use your camera!"
Max's eyes opened wide. "You perv!" she said with a laugh.
"Only around you, Maxine!" Chloe laughed, then let go of her hand and took off on her skateboard the remaining few yards to the park.
Max chased after her all the way to the small group of skateboard ramps by the basketball court. "You're such a dick!" Max gasped when she finally caught up with Chloe.
"Just shut up and watch," Chloe said, grinning as she ran her board up and down the ramps.
Max sat on the ground and watched her roll around, laughing as she made faces at her and attempted tricks that she missed more often than not.
This is nice… It's good to see that, somewhere in there, is the same Chloe that I've always known; it's good to know that we can still hang out, and joke around, and...be who we were. Who we used to be, before...who we are now.
Max pulled her camera out of her bag and snapped a picture of Chloe as she stood on top of the ramp and grinned at her. "I hope you got some of me doing some awesome stunts!" Chloe said, propelling herself down the incline and whizzing past Max.
"You mean the one where you fell on your ass?" Max said with a grin.
"Hey, smartass!" Chloe plopped herself beside Max, "Let's see you get on the board, then!"
"Naw...that's okay," Max said, shaking her head with a smile.
"Thought so," Chloe said, smirking.
After a few moments pause, she turned to Max again. "Hey...Max?" she said, picking at the sole of her shoe.
"Yeah?" Max replied.
"I'm happy you're here with me this weekend," Chloe replied, brushing strands of hair from her face.
"Me too, Chlo," Max said.
"Feels nice to be with you," Chloe added, stretching one of her long legs out and nudging Max's knee with the toe of her shoe. She sighed and added, "I really miss you when you're not around."
Max nodded and reached out, running her fingers over Chloe's hand on the grass. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I also really miss you when we're not together."
Especially the last few weeks…
"Can I ask you something, Max?" Chloe continued.
Max nodded.
Chloe chewed her bottom lip for a moment, appearing to consider the question before hesitatingly replying, "Do you feel bad that you...I mean...do you wish you'd have moved to Seattle? Like...back when you were supposed to...um...after dad died?"
Max rolled a blade of grass in her fingers and shook her head. "No...I mean not really, anyway. I guess it would have been kinda cool to live in a big city and all. My folks had said that I'd make new friends and that moving away somewhere else was a part of me starting the next step in my life."
Chloe nodded, looking thoughtful. Max saw her mouth curving downward in a frown, and she moved in close beside her.
"But…" she continued. "But...I think now that it was bullshit they were saying just to make me feel better about the move. I don't want new friends, honestly. I don't...really like most people. And...I don't want to start any new step in my life without you, Chloe."
Chloe smiled and put her arm around Max's shoulders. Max put her head on Chloe's shoulder. Chloe's hand moved up, and she ran her fingers through Max's hair; Max closed her eyes and smiled, goosebumps forming on her arms and the back of her neck again.
"You make me feel safe...so I think that if I'd moved away from you, I'd probably just feel scared all the time," Max said.
"Plus if you're here, it means I can look out for you and keep you out of trouble," Chloe said.
Max's smile grew more substantial, "Yeah right...more like you get me into trouble!" she said.
Chloe kissed the top of Max's head and said, "Now now, Maxi-pad...I don't make you do anything that you don't secretly want to do."
Max thought of all the trouble she and Chloe had gotten into over the years: the spilled wine on the living room carpet, the time she fell out of a tree that Chloe had dared her to climb and nearly broke her arm, the stolen bottle of rum at the hotel, smoking a joint together.
And, of course, all of the things we've done together in Chloe's bedroom.
All of them had been initiated, or at least suggested, by Chloe… and yet Max had gone along with all of them without much complaint or objection. Was it because - as Chloe said - she secretly wanted to do it? Or was it just because it was Chloe?
Honestly, if Chloe asked me to dye my hair blue, I'd probably do it!
"It's getting kind of cold, Max," Chloe said, standing up and wiping grass off her legs and the back of her pants. "Do you want to head home? I'm sure mom won't complain since we did kind of spend some time outdoors."
"Yeah, I think I've also had enough outdoor fun for one day." Max agreed.
"Especially when there's plenty of indoor fun to have back home," Chloe said with a grin.
Max raised an eyebrow and looked at Chloe questioningly.
"What?" Chloe said innocently.
They walked back to Chloe's place, the blonde girl holding Max's hand tightly with her skateboard under her other arm. Max felt herself feeling the usual amount of confidence that she always felt being around Chloe. There weren't a lot of people outside, but those that were didn't seem all that interested in two teenage girls holding hands.
Most people would probably just think we're good friends; Friends that are girls hold hands when they're together, don't they? I'll bet nobody looks at us and thinks "Two lesbians are walking together!"
As if reading her mind, Chloe turned to Max and asked, "Do you mind me holding your hand?"
Max smiled, "You know I don't, Chlo. I already told you that I like it a lot."
"That's...that's good!" Chloe said with a nervous smile.
Max laughed, "It is good, yes."
Chloe smirked, but her eyes averted from Max's, "Fuck off! I just...don't want anything I do with you to feel uncomfortable, Max." She then added, "Hey, look...I know I can act...the way I do a lot of the times. But…well...are you..."
When she didn't continue, Max asked, "Am I what?"
Chloe paused for several moments, then shrugged. "It...it doesn't matter. Just forget it."
Max bit her lower lip nervously. "Okay?"
Chloe shook her head as she pulled her house key from her pocket, "It's fine, really. I'm just a dumbass."
Following supper, Max and Chloe decorated the tree while Joyce washed dishes in the kitchen. Max reached into a large cardboard box and pulled out a Christmas ball, then placed it gently on one of the branches of the tree. Chloe sighed as she worked at untangling a string of lights. "Every year, dad and I would go out and pick a tree from a farm outside of town. It was, like, a tradition that we did. Just him and I."
Max nodded sadly as she hung another ornament. "I'm sorry, Chloe."
Chloe shrugged and frowned, "Not your fault. It just...sucks, you know? Mom went and got this fake plastic thing this year, and so I guess we have to pretend like it's real. Change...really sucks. Things are different this year."
She finished untangling the lights and began stringing them up on the mantle. "The only thing that's the same this year is you're here." Chloe said, before adding, "Even if you won't be here for Christmas."
"Well…" Max mused, "maybe not. But I'm here now, aren't I?"
Chloe finished sticking the lights up and walked back to the tree. She watched Max for a few seconds, then went over and took her hands. Max looked at her with a smile.
"Yeah, Max. You're here now." Chloe repeated with a quick smile.
"So…" Max said, turning back to the tree and straightening some of the branches on the tree, "What were you a dumbass about?"
"Huh?"
"Earlier, I mean." Max replied, "You were saying you were a dumbass, but wouldn't say why. I was just...you know...curious."
Chloe put her hands in her pockets, "Yeah, it...doesn't really matter, Max."
Max frowned, "Oh. I see."
"Don't sulk. I hate it when you sulk," Chloe muttered as she put up the last few ornaments.
Max huffed in frustration and shook her head, "I'm not sulking."
Chloe sighed, then turned to Max; her eyes gazing at her with concern. "Fuck...fine! I was just wondering...do you regret any of the stuff we've done?"
Max's eyes quickly looked over at Joyce, still washing dishes in the kitchen, before replying, "You mean...the kissing and stuff...or…"
"What I mean is..." She started, then closed her eyes and looked away. "You know what? Just forget it," she whispered, flicking an ornament, so it swung and made a soft *tinkle* sound.
"No, I don't regret any of it, Chloe. That's the truth." Max said.
Chloe nodded without response, then walked over to the couch and lay down on it. Max followed her over and sat on the arm. Max looked at Chloe critically and asked, "Do you?"
"No." Chloe replied, then added with a shrug, "But sometimes I have this weird feeling like maybe I should."
Max felt like she had gotten slapped in the face. "What? Why?" she asked.
"Girls, do you want to turn on the lights and see how everything looks? I want to get some pictures of you two in front of the tree." Joyce called from the kitchen.
Chloe rolled her eyes at Max and stood up. "Look Max...it's just some shit that I'm dealing with right now. Don't worry about it."
Max watched her go and felt a mixture of anxiety and concern burning at her insides.
The tree looked beautiful when it was lit up, with all the ornaments and tinsel sparkling. Max stood with her arm stiffly around Chloe as Joyce took their picture; the anxiety was continuing to grow within Max until she could hardly bear it. Finally, after the last photo was snapped and Max could remove the fake smile from her face, she took Chloe's arm and said, "Can we talk for a few minutes?"
Before Chloe could say anything, Max tugged and dragged her into the garage. When the side door closed behind her, she turned to Chloe. "Tell me what you meant!" She whispered pointedly.
"The hell Max?" Chloe replied, raising an eyebrow questioningly.
Max took a deep breath and swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "Tell me! What did you mean when you said you thought you should regret all the things we did?"
Chloe opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again. She took a deep breath, then finally said, "I meant...I was worried, Max. I am worried."
"Worried about what?" Max asked.
Chloe let out a sigh and paced away from Max. "Fucking everything." Max heard her softly mutter, her back turned.
"Chloe? What the heck is going on?" Max asked, stepping up to her and putting a hand on her shoulder.
Chloe shook her head, "I really don't want to talk about it, Max." she said, her voice tinged with frustration. "Can't we just...ya know...enjoy the weekend?"
"Well, I was trying to!" Max replied far harsher than she intended. "Now...now I'm just confused about why you are acting so weird all of a sudden when things were so great earlier!"
Slowly, Chloe turned around. Max saw that her eyes glistened with tears that had already started to fall. She scratched at the scabs on her chin until one begun to bleed slowly. "I'm worried...about you." Chloe slowly said. "I'm worried that things are changing and everything is going to fuck up...and it's all going to be my fault." Chloe leaned against a bunch of shelves on the garage wall and wiped her face with the palms of her hands. "I always ruin everything!"
Max walked up to Chloe and brushed a bunch of blonde hair behind one of her ears. "Oh Chloe..." she sighed sadly.
Chloe took a deep breath and wiped a palm across her face again. "I mean…" she began, "I mean dad is gone, and mom is working all the time, and the Christmas tree is plastic, and school is full of fake assholes, and…" she sighed and looked away.
Max reached out and took Chloe's hand, but Chloe flinched and let it go again. She bit her lower lip and said, "And?"
Chloe looked up again; her tears had run down her face and tinged red with the blood on her chin. "And everything keeps fucking changing, Max!" Chloe hiccupped. "Even us! We used to be best friends that played Playstation and pirates and shit!"
"You're still my best friend, Chloe," Max said with a frown. "You'll always be my best friend. And we still play Playstation. Heck, we can do that right now if you want! Just...please stop being upset."
"That's the problem!" Chloe replied, stepping closer to Max. "I don't want to do those things with you anymore! I mean...I sometimes do. But most times when I'm with you, I want to...you know…" Chloe motioned upwards with her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest.
"Oh," Max replied.
"My brain...these feelings...fuck, it drives me crazy!" Chloe said softly. "You've been my friend forever, Max...but lately I keep thinking about...you know...kissing you...and touching you all over. Part of me hates myself for it, and wants things to be the way they used to be with us so I don't have these thoughts anymore."
"Oh," Max replied again sullenly. "Well...um...we don't have to be...you know...girlfriends if you don't want to be."
"No!" Chloe suddenly exclaimed, turning around. "That's the problem! That's why I'm so worried!"
Max felt confused, concerned and worried. She couldn't stand seeing Chloe so distraught, but she wasn't sure what was going on. "Chloe, I...I'm so sorry," Max said, shaking her head. "I'm so confused!"
"Things are so different now, Max. Everything is changing and I'm worried that...it's not what you want, Max."
Max let out a laugh despite herself. "Chloe...I asked you to be my girlfriend. Why would I do that if I didn't want it?"
Chloe shrugged, more tears flowing down her face, becoming red and blotchy, "But what if you change your mind? What if you go away for Christmas and realize that being my girlfriend is a mistake? What if...you hate me for forcing you to kiss and touch each other? What if…"
Max took Chloe's hands tightly, so she didn't pull away. She tried to meet her eyes, but Chloe kept looking away and sniffling back her tears. "Chloe...I want this! I want all of it!"
Max leaned forward and kissed her lips firmly. She tasted the saltiness of her tears and the coppery tinge of blood. "I want you," she whispered when their lips parted, then added. "I love you, Chloe. I will always, always love you."
Max began to cry as well, overwhelmed by the emotion of the moment, and of Chloe's words. Overwhelmed by the thought that Chloe was so preoccupied with the idea that she would ever feel any differently.
Both of their eyes shot to the door as there was a soft knock and the voice of Chloe's mother. "Are you girls okay in there? Why are you two in the garage?"
Chloe sniffled, "We should...I guess...go out there before mom has a cow." She said.
Max nodded, then added, "Thanks...um...for telling me what was going on."
Chloe smiled, "Thanks for not freaking out. You're...the best girlfriend ever."
Max took Chloe's hand, "Nah."