A/N: Thank you all for your patience as I worked through some personal issues. I'll try to be more regular with updates! Follow me at OrangeRat81 on Twitter if you like, and as always I appreciate all your comments, and reviews.
Max: "i'll text you every day, I promise. luvu."
Chloe: "You better! I already miss u so much! Love u too."
In Chloe's bedroom, the blinds were down, and the lights were off. "In Bloom" by Nirvana played loud enough to drown out the noise from outside.
Max: "finally here safe and sound. long drive. super tired. will text tomorrow. nini."
Chloe: "Glad you're okay, Max. Sweet dreams. Still miss you lots!"
Chloe lay in bed and stared up at the ceiling. She felt as if a giant weight had been placed on top of her chest, pressing her down onto the mattress.
Max: "sorry for txt so late! mom takes my phone away during the day. says I need to spend time with family and not talking to you all the time. i cried last night thinking about you."
Chloe: "Your mom takes your phone away? Damn! I like your mom too, but that pisses me off! I cry when I think about it being a whole month until I see you again. I have a picture of us beside my bed and I kiss it before I go to sleep."
Chloe pulled her arm out from beneath her blankets and grabbed her phone from beside her. The clock on its screen said "1:47 pm" and she let out a loud sigh of frustration. With trepidation, she opened her texting app for the fourth time that hour:
Nothing. No new texts, no new notifications from Facebook, and no new received calls.
Max: hiiiii dork! I have a picture of you dancing like a loon. It helps but not the same as you being here. or us being together. Love u!
Chloe: Well here's another picture I took for you on my phone last night after mom went to bed.
Max: O.o OMG Chloe!
Chloe had started pining for Max from the very first second Max's parents' car had turned the corner and out of Chloe's sight. That had been a week ago; seven whole days since Chloe had tearfully hugged her goodbye as she left with her family. Seven whole days since Chloe had last opened her blinds, changed her clothes or showered.
Chloe heard a knock on her bedroom door through the loud music. She got out of bed, wrapping the blanket around her body, and walked over to turn her stereo off.
"Yeah? What is it?" she called irritatedly.
"Chloe? It's your mom!" Joyce said from the other side of the door, "Can I come in?"
"Umm...totally not wearing clothes, mother!" she said with an eye-roll. "What do you want?"
"Chloe, come on! It's been a week since you've been outdoors. I know you're missing Max, but you can't just mope around for the whole month!" Chloe's mother replied.
"I'm not moping!" She said.
"Chloe, I'm going grocery shopping before work. Please at least come for the drive." Her mother responded.
"No thank you," Chloe replied.
"Well, could you at least promise me you'll do something today besides sit in your room? Even just get dressed and go for a walk? It's not healthy to sit indoors in the dark by yourself."
Chloe looked around her room and frowned. "I'll...try, I guess," she said.
"Okay. I love you, Chloe." came the response.
"Mmhm," she mumbled, walking back to her bed.
She picked up her phone from the mattress and checked for any new notifications: nothing.
Fuck, Max! Why do your parents have to take away your phone?
She started a new text:
Hey Max. Your parents probably have your phone still. Not sure if they check your messages. Just sitting in my room and really missing you right now. Can't think straight since you've been gone. Hope you're at least having a good time with your fam. Do you think we can talk on the phone tonight? Even for a couple of minutes? I really miss hearing your voice. I feel lost without you.
She closed her eyes tightly as she felt tears start to well up.
"Goddammit!" She exclaimed, wiping her eyes with a tissue. "Stop being such a weepy bitch, Chloe!"
Clenching her jaw to stop herself from crying, she sent the message and dropped the phone back into the bed. She supposed it wouldn't be the worst thing for her to go for a drive with her mother. Chloe was about to yell downstairs to wait for her while she threw on some clothes when she heard the garage door open and the car start-up.
"For fuck sakes!" she exclaimed, running her fingers through greasy strands of her hair. Part of her just wanted to go to bed for the rest of the day and wait for Max to message her.
Multiple voices held an argument in her brain:
Responsible Chloe: You promised mom you'd go out today. If she finds out you stayed in your room again, she'll be disappointed! Plus it will give you an excuse to take a shower and get cleaned up, right?
Frustrated Chloe: Fuck mom! She's the one who chooses to work all hours and leaves you home alone all day. She is too broke to do anything over the holiday with you! You don't owe her shit!
Depressed Chloe: Just go back to bed and spend the day crying into your pillow and touching yourself! You're an oily, pimply, awkward, disgusting loser and nobody wants to see you anyway!
Bored Chloe: You're going crazy spending so much time indoors! Go outside! Ride your board! Go for a walk! Anything but just lying there like a lump!
With a sigh and a stretch, she walked over and opened her bedroom door slowly. Peeking her head out, Chloe listened carefully for sounds downstairs.
"Hello? Mom? Are you still home?" She called, then waited for a response.
Despite not hearing anything, she still re-wrapped the blanket tightly around her body before she padded tentatively down the hallway. She waited until she was safely in the washroom before letting it fall in a pile on the hallway floor.
Chloe's hair hung in a mess past her shoulders and touched the top of her chest as she walked naked past the mirror on the medicine cabinet. She looked away sharply, feeling depressed enough as it was without catching a glimpse of herself.
I look like a corpse. A gross corpse with bad posture and weird-shaped boobs. I can't believe I let Max see me nude! I can't believe anybody would want to!
In the shower, Chloe stood under the water and closed her eyes, feeling as it poured down her face. She pressed her forehead against the wall and cringed at the feeling of a pimple bursting between her eyes.
Three weeks until Max comes back…
Twenty-one days…
Five-hundred and four hours…
Thirty-thousand two-hundred and forty minutes…
Damn...I'm such a nerd.
When she was done, she opened the door and shuffled down the hall back to her bedroom.
I feel gross today...
She zipped up her jeans and pulled an oversized purple hoodie over her head.
I don't want to get dressed...I want to go back to bed!
Chloe brushed her hair unenthusiastically, clenching her teeth in pain at every tangle she hit.
I wonder what Max would say if I cut my hair all off?
She trudged downstairs and grabbed her house keys off the kitchen table. As she stuffed them in the pocket of her hoodie, she noticed a crumbled-up pack of cigarettes sitting where her mother's purse usually sat. She picked it up and stared at it with a smirk.
Mom has been trying to quit for years, but after dad died...I guess she gave up trying?
She gave up doing a lot of things that she wanted to do with dad gone?
It sucks that mom is probably dealing with all this crap on her own.
There were a couple of cigarettes still inside, and a small blue lighter stuffed beside them. Chloe nibbled her bottom lip in thought, then shoved the pack into her front pocket beside her keys.
Small snowflakes fell lazily from the sky, and a cool gentle wind blew as Chloe left her house and rolled down her front walk on her board. Her eyes scanned the path in front of her for wet patches or ice and seeing none she went a little bit faster. It felt weird to her, being outside for the first time in so many days. The sun seemed too bright, the wind too cold. As she moved quickly down the sidewalk, the cold wind whipped her hair past her face, and she cringed.
Chloe slowed herself down as she reached the park and picked her board up under her arm. She began to feel an ache well up in her stomach and rise to her throat. Her eyes fell on the ramps, and she walked over to the spot on the grass where Max had sat and watched her the week before.
Why do I hurt so much when you're not here? You're only gone for a month, and I'm fucking going to pieces without you!
She wandered past the skate ramps, one hand in her pocket and the other clutching the board against her hip. Her eyes moved around, and her ears listened for the sounds of anybody else around her. She wasn't in any mood to deal with other people, and the wind and falling snow made Chloe feel even more irritated.
There are the swings we took turns jumping off of until that time you landed wrong and twisted your ankle; the jungle gym that we used to pretend was a pirate ship until you said you felt like we were too old to play pirates anymore...until a few months ago anyway.
Fuck...I have to get out of here!
She turned back the way she had come and lay her board down on the pavement. As she put her foot down and prepared to push off, the hand in her pocket felt the cigarette pack she'd grabbed off the kitchen table earlier. Chloe pulled it from her pocket and pulled it open: two cigarettes and a small lighter. The same thing that had been in it before.
She flicked a lighter a few times tentatively, then stuck one of the cigarettes in her mouth.
These things have, like, a crazy amount of carcinogens and smell awful. But apparently, they calm stress?
She imagined what Max would say if she were there.
She'd say "Ew, Chloe! Smoking is disgusting and so bad for your health!"
Chloe sighed. "Dammit, Max...why do you have to be such a Girl Scout?"
"Hey, can I bum a smoke off of you?"
Chloe turned and saw a girl standing behind her, her hands in the pockets of a winter coat that appeared both warm and stylish. Her brown eyes squinted at Chloe, as though trying to see her clearer. "Don't I go to school with you? You're…" she snapped her fingers, "Chloe Price, right?"
Chloe raised an eyebrow and pulled the cigarette from her mouth. "Who wants to know?" she asked suspiciously.
The girl smiled and put her hands up defensively. "Hey, I come in peace! See? No guns, knives or swords!"
Chloe smirked, "I dunno. Those nails look pretty dangerous." she said, then internally chastised herself for being a dork.
The girl winked at her, "I promise not to scratch your eyes out, okay?" then extended a hand and added, "I'm Rachel."
Chloe regarded the extended hand suspiciously for a few moments and slowly pulled her own hand from her pocket and shook it.
"See, Chloe?" Rachel said with a chuckle, "That's not so difficult, is it?"
Chloe shrugged, feeling shy and uncomfortable.
Rachel walked over to a nearby bench and sat down, Chloe finding her eyes scanning the girl when she wasn't looking. If she thought about it enough, she could recall that Rachel was in her English class, sitting at the front whereas Chloe would always sit at the back, as far away from the teacher as possible. Chloe also remembered that she always seemed to be talking to people in the hallways, but never even gave her even a sideways glance.
Why is this random Barbie Doll suddenly talking to a loser like me?
"So, is that a no to the smoke bumming question?"
Chloe turned toward Rachel and extended the cigarette down to her. She took it with a smile. "Luckily, I don't have a fear of Chloe germs," she said with an amused expression on her face.
Chloe ran her fingers through her hair, pulling it away from her face. "Um...what?"
"You gave me the one you had in your mouth. The filter end is still…" Rachel squeezed it gently "a little wet, actually."
Chloe's eyes opened wide, and she felt her cheeks growing hot. "Oh...well, did you want another? I have…"
Rachel laughed, "It's fine. Really doesn't bother me that much." She patted the spot on the bench next to her, "Join me?"
Chloe shrugged, "I...kinda would rather head home, actually."
I'll bet she doesn't hear "no" very much.
"Not even for...a couple of minutes?" She said with a smile and a wink.
Chloe felt herself sit down beside Rachel before her mind even registered that she was doing it. "I guess...for a couple of minutes." She mumbled.
Her eyes are so… wow.
She extended the lighter to Rachel, who took it with a whispered, "Thanks." and watched as the blonde girl kept her hazel eyes focused on Chloe as she lit the end of it.
She sucked on it thoughtfully, then handed it to Chloe. Chloe took it and stared at it.
"Well, are you going to smoke it, or just stare at it and grin like a retard?" Rachel asked, eyebrow raised.
"I'm not! I mean...um...I am! That is…" Chloe found herself flustered and having difficulty finding the words she wanted to say.
The fuck, Chloe! What's the matter with you?
She slowly put the lit cigarette in her mouth and inhaled slowly.
You can do this, Chloe! Don't be a total doofus!
"I also might have left it a bit wet." Rachel said with a smirk, her face partially obscured by a thin cloud of smoke. "Hey! we've swapped spit now, it's kind of like we've kissed."
The smoke left Chloe mouth in choking gasp that turned into a coughing fit that continued until Chloe nearly passed out. Rachel hit her on the back a few more times. "Are you okay?" She asked with a nervous laugh.
Chloe choked again, then wiped the tears from her eyes. "Yeah. Fine." She rasped dryly.
"Good. Didn't really feel like calling 911. You don't seem like you're cut out for smoking." Rachel said with a smile, absentmindedly tugging on the blue feather of her earring.
Chloe coughed a couple more times, then defiantly took the cigarette back from Rachel and put it in her mouth. She slowly inhaled again and found she coughed less the second time. She shot a smirk at Rachel.
"Sooooo…" Rachel said, taking the cigarette back. "Chloe…"
Chloe raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"I just wanted to...I mean...I'm sorry about your dad and all." Rachel said with a frown. "I heard he died last fall?"
Chloe's jaw clenched, and she looked down at her feet. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay...well...I just was going to say…" Rachel started to say.
Chloe cut her off, "Look, I said I was going to stay for a couple of minutes, and I did." She snapped, then picked up her board and walked away.
"Hey!" She heard from behind her. "You forgot your cigarette pack and lighter!"
"Keep it!" She replied; she was focused on nothing at that moment but trying to get away from the park.
Away from...her.
She walked home, unable to skateboard safely through the angry tears that filled her eyes.
Fucking mother, making me go outside when I don't want to!
Fucking Chloe, can't even pretend to not act like a retard in front of other people!
Fucking prissy barbie bitch! She doesn't know me!
The anger had faded somewhat by the time Chloe threw her house keys on the table by the door and stomped up the stairs to her room. She slammed her bedroom door, pulled off her hoodie, and collapsed face first on her bed.
I wonder where Max is right now?
I wonder if she's even thinking about me?
I wonder if she'll think I'm crazy if I text her again?
Chloe stood up and put a mix CD into her stereo. It was her favourite mix of 90s rock and metal, but mostly it was loud and helped Chloe think. She lay back on her pillow, staring at a picture of Max and her that they had taken the weekend before she'd gone away. They were both making silly faces, but Max was looking at the camera while she was looking at Max.
Right after that picture, I kissed her on the cheek. She called me a silly dork, and I said "maybe, but I'm your silly dork."
I miss her face...I miss her ponytail...I miss her eyes and her nose and her freckles.
I miss her shy kisses. Her lips on my face...down my neck...
Chloe felt her cheeks begin to heat up, and she bit her bottom lip. She hadn't heard anybody home when she got back, and she definitely knew of something that might help with some of her anxiety and tension. Chloe gazed toward her bedroom door cautiously, and she slid out of bed and muted the volume of her music.
"Mom?" Chloe called. "Hey! Joyce! You here?"
After waiting for over a minute with no response, she closed and locked her bedroom door. She turned her music back up - Eddie was singing about King Jeremy the Wicked - then, with a final glance at her door, Chloe lay on her bed and closed her eyes.
We did this together before...
The tips of her fingers slipped past the waistband of her underwear and through the soft hair underneath.
I wonder if Max has done this while thinking about me?
She smiled at the thought and began to quicken her ministrations.
Maybe when Max comes back, we can have another private rave? Only this time, I'll play more slow dances with Max. I wish she would take charge more...just grab me and kiss me? Or push me down on the bed and bite my ear?
Or put her hands under my shirt and...
Chloe quietly moaned and squeezed her legs together tightly around her hand. She was dancing in some quiet part of the Blackwell gymnasium. An arm was wrapped around her waist and lips nuzzled her neck. Teeth scraped against her skin, and lips began to suck and bite.
I'll end up covered in bruises and hickies, but I won't care! Her eyes say how she feels!
Except, in Chloe's imagination, the eyes that looked into hers weren't the familiar blue looking at her with shy love that she'd expected; they were hazel and looked at her with lustful angst. Hands that were anything but shy grabbed her backside firmly.
"I want you, Chloe." A sultry voice whispered into her ear, and then they weren't in Blackwell anymore; they were in Chloe's bedroom.
She pushed Chloe down onto her bed and climbed on top of her, her cat-like eyes gazing at her with a hunger that Chloe found a little scary, but also unexpectedly thrilling. Suddenly. Chloe recognized the girl on top of her; she knew those eyes...those pouty lips...the blue feather earring.
Thrust back into reality, Chloe's eyes opened, and she pulled her hand from between her legs.
"What the fuck?" She said aloud to herself.