Yes you who must leave everything that you cannot control.
It begins with your family, but soon it comes around to your soul.
Well I've been where you're hanging, I think I can see how you're pinned:
When you're not feeling holy, your loneliness says that you've sinned.
"Haught!"
Nicole heard the door slam open but couldn't bring herself to open her eyes.
"Cole! Where are you, partner?" She sensed rather than saw his presence in the doorway. "Aw, fuck. You been like this all night? Hey, Sheriff, she's over here!"
She heard a heavy tread, then smelled the familiar scent of pipe smoke and Old Spice. "Oh, my little girl."
Footsteps walked away and she heard mumbled voices in the next room.
"…get her some coffee and maybe some toast…"
She felt herself lifted gently off the cool tile of her bathroom before she's laid gently down on something soft. A calloused hand caressed her brow and she swallowed hard.
"Uncle Tommy?" she whispered.
"I'm here, honey." His voice was hoarse. "You weren't answering your phone so Eric and I came to see you."
Nicole rolled over and gritted her teeth against the nausea in her gut and stabbing pains in her head. With a deep breath she opened her eyes, squinting despite the dim light of her bedroom. "Sorry, was out cold. Don't even remember getting home last night."
"You put the better part of two bottles away by yourself," Tommy commented. He sank down onto the mattress next to her, his face drawn. "Sent Eric to get something to put in your stomach so you can take some aspirin."
"Don't think I can eat," she muttered. She pulled a pillow over her face and tears stung her eyes at the discovery that it still bore the scent of her wife's strawberry mango shampoo. There was a long moment of shared silence. "I don't know if I can do this, Tommy." Her voice was muffled by the pillow but she knew he heard her when she felt him tense.
"Do what, honey?"
Nicole flipped the pillow to one side and stared at the ceiling. "Any of it. Staying at the job, in this house." Her voice caught. "Fuck, even breathing hurts right now."
He shook his head. "If I tell you it will pass, will you shoot me?"
She smiled faintly. "Probably."
He snorted. "Okay then, good to know. You know," he took a breath. "I lost someone myself once."
She looked over at him, surprised. She thought she know everything about him. "When was this?"
He sighed and rubbed his face. "It was right before you were born. She worked in the office at the police department at the time, and I had just graduated from the academy. She always made sure to save me a doughnut and I always brought her flowers on Fridays."
He went silent for a moment.
"I always wanted to take her out on a date," he finally continued. "And she wouldn't for the longest time."
"So much for the Haught charm," Nicole murmured as she laced her fingers with his. He squeezed hard in return.
"Well, finally I got her to agree to at least getting come ice cream at the local drug store, and who do we run into but my brother and his new wife."
Nicole's heart stuttered. She had always suspected there was more to his estrangement from her parents than he let on.
"Your mother was pretty hurtful," his voice grew raspy with painful memories. "She started quoting bible verses about how it was wrong that I was standing there with this woman, that it was sinful."
"What? Why?" Nicole demanded incredulously. "At least she was a girl!"
"Well, Alice, that was her name, she was a colored girl, and according to your mother," he paused and his jaw clenched. "God did not mean for the races to mix."
Nicole's jaw dropped. "And my father?"
Tommy's eyes grew even sadder. "He didn't say anything. Not once did he stand up for what was right." He closed his eyes. "Growing up your dad was a regular kid. We'd play and sometimes get into a little trouble just like any boys, nothing serious, just boys being goofy. Your grandparents never raised us to fear a vengeful God, or believe we were better than anybody else for something as stupid as skin color. But when they died…" He trailed off then dropped his chin to his chest. "I guess he just got lost. He needed somebody to take care of him I guess, tell him what to do. And then there was your mother—" He cleared his throat with a shudder.
"Yeah, I know," Nicole muttered sourly. "She likes being in charge."
Tommy snorted. "I was ready to cut them both out of my life completely, the hateful fools. But then they had you, and I just couldn't abandon you, knowing what you were in for."
Nicole wrapped her arms around the older man, clinging tightly. "I never knew, I'm so sorry."
He patted her shoulder. "It's all in the past now. And I don't regret being here for you."
"I can't imagine how my life would have been without you, Uncle Tommy." Nicole told him seriously. She rested her head on his shoulder. "What happened to Alice?"
"Her parents liked me well enough, but they knew there were more people like your parents out in the world and they were afraid for her." He sighed again, his eyes unfocused as he remembered the past. "They sent her up state to stay with her grandparents for a while and she met a nice man up there. A good man. Last I knew they got married and had a couple of kids."
Nicole sat back and studied him. "How come you never got married?"
His smile was lopsided and a little rueful. "Never met another girl who caught my eye. A couple tried to catch mine," he shrugged. "But they weren't Alice." He gave her a careful look. "But don't follow in the footsteps of this old man. Your heart's sore now, Nicky, but it won't always be that way. Beth wouldn't want you to be alone."
Nicole flopped back on the bed, her thumb automatically spinning her wedding ring around her finger, a nervous habit Beth had always teased her about.
You afraid you're gonna lose it, Haught stuff? Should I glue it on for you?
Her eyes travelled slowly around the room, taking in the many pictures of herself and Beth, and Tommy, and various friends from the police department and the local community college where Beth taught. Rowdy as a puppy in Beth's arms. Rowdy at his certification as a K9 officer standing happily next to Nicole in her dress blues. She smiled ruefully at the smear of paint on the window from the weekend they had speed painted their bedroom blue but that they had never gotten around to chipping off. There was the framed university diploma for Beth and Nicole's certificate of successful completion of the police academy.
Memories.
Too damn many.
The front door banged open.
"Hey you guys, I got coffee!" Eric called. He appeared in the doorway, holding a familiar flat box. "And doughnuts!"
"Reinforcement of stereotypes should be against department policy," Tommy commented dryly. He gave Nicole's leg one last squeeze and stood. "Come on honey. Trust me, a little sugar and caffeine will do you good."
The air outside the club was clean and cool after the smoky humidity inside. The bachelor party had managed to not get ejected to Shorty's surprise and Gus' relief. However Doc's persuasive talents did come into play when her idiot ex-boyfriend showed up, hoping to find her working. Wynonna arrived only a few minutes later to find him hog tied and screaming in rage at the curb, a smug-looking Doc savoring his hand-rolled cigarette.
Waverly was sorry to have missed it.
"Thanks for staying long to give me a ride home," she said, turning towards her sister.
"Just as well, I think you need to do the actual driving," Wynonna said, handing over the keys. "Gus was extra generous with the free whiskey tonight."
Doc came up to them. "I am now off shift, and I was wondering if I might impose upon you ladies for a ride to my humble abode."
Waverly rolled her eyes. "Like you have to ask, Doc."
"One must never presume on another's generosity."
"Oh you can presume things with me anytime, Cowboy," Wynonna teased, throwing an arm around his shoulders and tossing him a wink.
He smirked and touched the brim of his hat with one finger. "I will take that under advisement, Miss Wynonna."
Predictably, Wynonna fell asleep sprawled across the back seat ten minutes into the drive.
Doc glanced back at her then turned to Waverly.
"Will you be requiring my assistance in helping your sister into your house, Miss Waverly?"
Waverly chuckled. "It's fine Doc. Believe me, after all these years I know how to wake her up." She flipped on the radio, smirking when she heard Alison Krause on the country station Wynonna never admitted to liking. "So what did you end up doing with Champ?"
"One of Sheriff Nedley's deputies happened to drive by on patrol when Mister Hardy was uttering some rather violent threats, both towards my person, yourself, and our excellent work establishment." He smoothed his mustache back with careful fingers. "I had to admit to the police officer that he had been permanently banned yet had seen fit to try and enter tonight, hence his current circumstances."
"Oh, good grief," Waverly groaned.
"The officer felt it necessary to arrest him for disturbing the peace, and I suspect he is currently enjoying himself in a cell at the Sheriff's department as we speak."
Waverly choked back a laugh. "Pretty sure he's not going to enjoy that."
"Perhaps not, in which case we can only hope he takes the opportunity for personal reflection." Doc's expression was bland, but his eyes twinkled merrily and Waverly couldn't help but grin back.
A few minutes more and Waverly pulled onto the gravel drive leading up to Doc's house, a tiny clapboard one room on the edge of Gus' property that she let him use for free as it had no heat or plumbing. He always claimed to be content with his wood stove, his well pump, and his outhouse, believing that too much comfort unnecessarily distracted a man's mind.
"I thank you most kindly for the gift of a ride, Miss Waverly," he said as he stepped from the cab.
"Anytime, Doc," she returned cheerfully. "See you!"
Ten minutes later and the truck's headlights illuminated the front of their family homestead, a little bigger and a little less primitive than Doc's abode, but it and the surrounding acreage was Earp land, and both sisters were proud and protective of that fact.
"Wynonna," sang Waverly as she killed the engine. "We're home!" She smirked at the lack of response from the back seat.
"Sorry about the big ding to the front fender," she continued. "Hard to see that post in the dark."
Wynonna shot up in outrage. "What do you mean you couldn't see the post? This thing has six floodlights!"
Waverly looked over her shoulder with a saucy wink and hopped out of the car. "Gotcha again! Come on, I'm not carrying you to bed."
Wynonna slammed the door behind her with an exasperated huff. "One of these days you're going to wake me up with your damn damage reports and I'm going to shoot you before I realize you're lying."
The front porch creaked a familiar cacophony as they crossed to the door, pushing open the heavy wood door and emerging into the washed out interior of their living room. Generations of sunlight had faded nearly everything from the curtains to the throw rugs over worn leather furniture, the only bright spots more recent purchases from Waverly; a polished tea kettle, bright red mugs, a blue fleece throw blanket, a Georgia O'Keefe print of a ram's head skull superimposed over a landscape of hills and sky.
Waverly grumbled as she settled herself on the couch, pulling the blanket over her as she toed off her boots. Waverly headed straight for the kettle, needing a cup of tea before attempting to sleep.
"I'm worried about Loser," Wynonna rumbled from under her blanket. "He's dumb enough to make bad life choices."
"You still can't shoot him."
Wynonna flopped the edge of the blanket off her face and scowled. "I'm serious, Waves."
Waverly sighed. "I know you are, but I just have a hard time picturing him actually having the gumption to try anything."
"He had enough gumption to take on Doc, even knowing he'd get his ass handed to him." Wynonna said seriously. "What happens when he shows up here when you're all by yourself?"
The kettle whistled shrilly.
"What do you want me to do, Nona?" Waverly said with some exasperation as she prepared her tea. "I've got finals next week."
Wynonna was quiet for a moment, then she sat up. "Bring your books to the office. Even if Dolls and I are out, it's way more secure than out here." She raised her hand as she saw the younger woman start to object. "Please, Waves."
Waverly slumped back in defeat. "Fine. But there better be a desk for me."
"You can use Dolls'."
"I need my tea."
"Dolls bought an electric kettle for his hideous instant coffee."
"It has to be quiet."
"I won't even open my mouth to breathe."
Waverly pouted, then gave her sister a grudging smile. "Love you, Nona. Thanks for looking out for me."
Wynonna settled back in satisfaction and pulled the fleece back over her face. "Only sister I got, Waves. Gotta keep you around."