Chapter 3: Need

"Listen, Cas," you started anew, and again I listened, "that might just have come across in a wrong way"

"Which part? The we don't need you part, or the Sam and you part?" I gave back and I admit it was snappier than I intended to. Maybe I should have just listened to you and withstand my urge to say something. But I couldn't help myself, I had to, I wanted to. There was so much anger inside me, because you didn't want me with you. Because you don't need me. And I was so angry that you could leave me behind like that and be without me, while I was here and needed you and couldn't stand, that you didn't see, how much you need me, too.

"What is that supposed to mean?" you asked and your hand left my shoulder. The small hint of warmth staying behind felt like a silent reminder of the mistake I have made. The mistake to point out yours. I can't point it out to you, you have to find it out yourself, Dean. And inside I hated myself for this little inattentiveness. I should have shut up. Now I had to explain myself and that would be harder.

"I mean…," I began, not quite sure, where I wanted to go with it, but you interrupted me. Luckily. Because I didn't have a clue what to say.

"You have a problem with Sam?" you fired and something in your eyes seemed to hope for a fight. Whenever it's about Sam, you jump up like a watchdog, as if your existence was bound to his safety. Nobody is allowed to say or think anything bad about him. At least nobody but you. And I respect that. I respected it, because I knew, that one day I would be the one you will feel that way for. And even more. Because not only will you protect me the way you protect your brother, no, I will protect you. I will give you the safety usually no one gives you. I will be the one, the first one, who binds his existence to your safety.

"No, of course not," I answered naturally and your gaze changed from aggressive to asking, "I just don't understand, why I can't come with you"

Your eyes went soft and I felt like the winner of the conversation. Once again I have calmed you down and nipped your aggressiveness in the bud. Because that's what I do. I calm you down. I am here, when you need me, and even when you don't see it yet, you always need me. I am your peace pole. Your protector and your aggression filter. I take all your anger and your frustration and transform it into peace. And was I suddenly gone, you would realize it. And you would have taken me with you.

"You need to know what is worth fighting for in this world."

(John Green, "The Fault in our Stars"; free translation from German)

"Cas," you started and I heard something like guilt in your voice, "Sam and I can handle it. If you absolutely insist on it, you can come, but…"

And I heard something in that "but". I can't really remember what it was, I think I didn't actually know back then either. But it sounded hesitant and as if it would say everything and at the same time nothing. As if it held something you can't word. At least not yet. And I wanted nothing more than to fight for accompanying you. I wanted to come with you, I didn't want to stay behind. But. Something in that "but" let me understand, that I shouldn't force it. I shouldn't intrude myself upon you, otherwise I would push you away.

"… but I'd prefer if you stayed here," you continued, after several moments of quiet silence, "so at least one of us is save"

"(…) eyes looking back, like there was something in me worth seeing"

(John Green, "Papertowns")

You needed me save and who was I to deny you that. I would give you anything you need. Even when you need it to not need me. I knew, I would find another way to still be with you and watch over you. And to see what you were doing. I had to know you were alright, as long as you were gone. And I couldn't wait here, I had to see it with my own eyes.