Chapter 4: Infinity

I remember, how I was standing there, safely hidden behind a tree near you room, close enough to be able to look through the window. Sam was sitting at a round wooden table in front of his laptop and seemed to be reading something out of an article to you. You were wandering around the room, your eyes sunken into the depths of the floor, your hand at you chin. You were pondering. Taking in the facts, turning and spinning them, until they made sense to you. You always do it like that. As if the steps would help you keep the motor of your thinking machine running and your hand holding the thoughts in the right place. I love to see you like that. See you unfold your potential, be more than a rough hunter and muscles and violence.

To me you are perfect. Perfect in all your movements, in your little tics and habits. You are perfect, when you fight, and perfect, when you think. Everything about you makes sense to me, and even only watching you makes me feel like I make sense, too. I am forever. I am a creature brought into being for eternity, hard to kill and easily alive. And I almost envy you for your mortality, because the appeal of life seems infinite, when you know that it's going to be over at some point. You are perfect in your imperfection. Complete in your incompleteness. And even when you won't exist anymore one day and I will still be wandering around and needing you, your complete perfection will live on inside me forever.

"Perfection stands still, while mortals pass by."

(John Green, "Papertowns"; free translation from German)

Sam made a gesture that supposedly said ‚that's it', and you seemed to agree with his conclusion. Of course I could be standing in that room with you, invisibly listening to your conversations, invisibly feel your presence, invisibly sensing your scent. But I didn't want to violate your privacy any more. Hiding behind trees and observing you without you knowing seemed just as wrong, but it was the compromise I had to make to make sure you were okay. Sureness about your safety. That's what I need. Even when it's not about what I need, but only about what you need.

I remember, it felt like eternity. Everything feels like eternity in your presence. In a good kind of way. Like the wideness of space and the depth of a sky full of stars, like a field that ends into the horizon and seems to go on forever. Everything is infinite in my being. The infinite story of creation, of earth, of the world, of the universe. My story has always seemed infinite. And with you it seems even more infinite. As if the gruesome reality of a never ending being has finally gotten a sense to it by an ending life, which enriches mine. You are the first to make me be scared of an end. And at the same time you are the first to take all the fear for the end from me. Because everything feels eternal, everything is infinite and more infinite with you.

"Some infinities are bigger than other infinities."

(John Green, "The Fault in our Stars")

Through the window I saw you packing, it seemed you were headed out. I decided not to be too harsh with me and allowed myself to get on the backseat of your beloved Impala. You wouldn't see me of course. You got inside and before you started the car, you took your phone.

"Who you texting?" Sam asked.

Without lifting your head and still wildly typing on the display, you answered, "Cas"

Sam looked at you with a strangely asking face that I didn't like.

"Why?"

Now, of course only after you have sent that message to me first, because apparently I was, in this particular moment, more important than your brother's eyes, you lifted your gaze and knitted your brows, as if you didn't understand the question. And I didn't understand it either. There's no Why here. Only a Because. A Because is absolutely enough. I am important. And my importance will someday be just as infinite to you as your existence is to me. You answered Sam's question with a simple whiz and I allow myself to take my phone out of the bag of my trench coat. Still invisible and unnoticed, of course.

- Hope u're ok. Almost done here. See u. P.S. don't u dare go into my room -

And I remember my smile. Of course you didn't know, that I already knew every corner of your room inside out, every single object and every inch. Every impression, every thing and every moment in it has been taken in by me and saved, like you do it with information about monsters, as if it was my job to know all about you. As if you were my monster.