Chapter 3
"I know that you probably think it's silly, but this is standard operating procedure for the hospital."
Jyn rolled her eyes. "Leia, my womb is about as barren as the field of fucks I give about hospital SOPs."
Leia was one of Jyn's closest friends…and also happened to be her gynecologist. Because what were friends for if not to make sure your lady parts were in good working order? Jyn had come in for what she had hoped would be a quick Depo-Provera shot, only for her ridiculously organized friend to point out that Jyn was a month late on getting her birth control "boostered." So now Jyn was being forced to pee into a cup to make sure that she wasn't growing an alien life form inside of her.
"Look, just take the test. Here's a bottle of water. It'll take ten minutes, we can rest assured knowing that you aren't pregnant, and I won't get sued for medical malpractice."
"I'd be a pretty shitty friend if I sued you for malpractice."
"That's beside the point. Just go to the bathroom, give Shara your pee, and then we can hang out in here and chat."
Leia's tone brokered no argument, so Jyn snatched the receptacle off her desk, and stomped to the bathroom, shooting daggers out of her eyes at Leia.
While Jyn sat on the toilet, holding a cup under her crotch, she almost laughed at the prospect of being Cassian's baby mama. Things had been awkward between them since the night they slept together. The previous easy, casual friendship they enjoyed was gone now. It was like Cassian had put up a wall and completely shut down. He was polite, but didn't make any attempts at conversation with her when she came down to the lab. And Jyn was finding fewer excuses to go down there. Even Kay had noticed the tension between them, going so far as to ask Jyn if she and Cassian had had a "lover's tiff." Apparently, Cassian was keeping his lips as tightly sealed about what happened between them as she was.
Finally getting enough into the cup, she screwed the lid back on and handed it to Shara Bey, Leia's nurse. Shara was bright, vivacious, and beautiful. She was Leia's favorite nurse to have in the delivery room because her outgoing personality was equally measured by her level head in stressful situations. She was married to Kes Dameron, a dermatologist, and they had an adorable baby boy, Poe.
When she walked back into Leia's office, Leia had started a pot of tea in the electric kettle at her desk.
"You seem unusually tense lately, Jyn."
Jyn sighed. Leia didn't miss much, especially when it came to her. "I don't know. I've been exhausted all this week… I fell asleep at my desk on Tuesday! Plus I've had a couple of stressful cases with my patients over the past week or so, and things have been awkward with Cassian. I think I may have really hurt him."
Leia rolled her eyes. "Well, I could have told you that. He was staring at you that night at the bar like you hung the stars and moon. I still don't understand why you couldn't just agree to one date with him."
Jyn's mind flashed to a violent thud, sickening crunch, and horrible pain in her side. To a phone call her freshman year of college. To being forced to grow up far faster than she was willing. "It's just…it's hard to care about someone and then have it ripped away."
Leia's eyes softened, and she reached across the table to grasp Jyn's hand. "It's not the same as what happened to you, but I know what it's like to not have your parents around. And when Bail had his heart attack a few years ago, I was scared to ever be vulnerable again. But what I have with Han? It's worth the vulnerability. I'd rather have one year with him than forty years of loneliness."
"I'm not lonely. I have you, and Bodhi. And I've been thinking about getting a cat."
"What happens if we move away? Plus, Bodhi and I can only give you so much of the companionship you need."
"I have my vibrator to take care of the rest of my needs."
Leia pursed her lips. Right then, Shara came back in.
"Dr. Organa? Can we speak outside for a moment? There's an issue with one of your patients."
Leia nodded, and stepped out with Shara. Jyn grabbed a Post-it off of Leia's desk, drawing out doodles on the pad. Perhaps Leia was right. It had felt good to relax into Cassian's arms that night. Jyn had spent her entire adult life constantly preparing herself for the worst, but perhaps she had kept herself from envisioning the best that could happen.
She was stirred from her thoughts by Leia coming back into the office. Looking over her shoulder, Jyn could immediately tell something was off. Leia was slowly walking towards her in a manner more appropriate for approaching a feral cat. Her face was drawn as she sat down at her desk.
"Jyn, I'm just going to get right to the point. You're pregnant."
Jyn lost track of exactly how long she was silent for. Could have been a minute, could have been an hour. Finally, she spoke.
"What the FUCK."
Jyn's hands were shaking. She wasn't ready to be a mother. She couldn't be a mother. Screeching brakes, blood everywhere, sounds of her mother screaming… they were spinning around in her head, out of control. Jyn rocked back and forth. What was she going to do? And Cassian… he couldn't know. She had to figure out something before he could find out.
Jyn was pulled suddenly out of her thoughts by two arms wrapping firmly and tightly around her from behind.
"Jyn, it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay. We'll figure this out, don't worry. We'll figure it out."
Leia's soft murmurs in her ear slowly soothed her. She felt wetness on her cheeks, and realized that she had been crying. Her chest ached from taking tight little gasps, and she felt lightheaded. Leia quietly shushed her, mollifying her. When Jyn's shivering had calmed, Leia stepped away, pouring a glass of water for Jyn. Under Leia's watchful gaze, Jyn slowly sipped down the water.
Sitting down beside Jyn, Leia murmured, "Would you like to discuss your options?"
Jyn nodded mutely.
"Okay. When did you last have your period?"
"Ummm… about two months ago? They aren't always regular for me since I went on the shot."
Leia nodded. "And when was the last time you had sex."
Jyn stared back at Leia defiantly, but when it appeared that Leia wouldn't back down, she muttered, "A little over a month ago."
"Okay. So you are probably about two months pregnant. You have a number of options, especially since it is so early. There is a Planned Parenthood about two miles from here, where you can schedule an appointment with a physician for a medical abortion. That would involve a two-pill combination of mifepristone and misoprostol. You could probably get an appointment within the week, but state laws do mandate a 72-hour waiting period before you can get your prescription. I'd advise that you schedule your appointment sooner rather than later if you choose that route. After 10 weeks, you'll need to get a surgical abortion instead. If you choose to keep the pregnancy, I'd like to see you back next week for your first prenatal appointment. We'll do some bloodwork to check your hormone levels, and we'll start discussing any pre-natal screening that you need to do. We'll be able to date your pregnancy more accurately at a future appointment. You can schedule your appointment with Shara- she'll be discreet."
Leia pulled some pamphlets from her desk, handed them over to Jyn. Jyn accepted them without comment, thumbing through the pink brochure from Planned Parenthood.
"Let me think about all of this for the next day or so. I'll decide what I want to do soon enough."
Leia nodded. "Take your time, Jyn. This is a big decision for you- don't rush it."
After a few moments of silence between them, Leia broke it again. "Jyn?"
"Hmm?"
"Is Cassian the father?"
Jyn looked down. "It could only be him."
Leia reached across the desk again and squeezed Jyn's hand. "My next appointment will be here in five minutes, but call me any time you need to talk."
Jyn nodded, feeling numb as she walked out of Leia's office.
It was a slow Friday afternoon for Cassian, so he decided to run some pathology reports up to Jyn's office. Masochist that he was, he couldn't resist seeing her face, even after her rejection.
As he arrived at Jyn's office door, he heard retching. He knocked on the door, calling her name, worry bleeding through his voice.
"Come in."
When Cassian walked in, Jyn was sitting back down into the chair at her desk, wiping her mouth.
"Are you alright?" His voice was thick with concern.
Jyn still hadn't looked up at him. "I'm fine."
"I thought I heard you throwing up just now."
"Yeah…bad Chinese takeout last night. Won't order from there again!"
Cassian nodded. His gut said that Jyn wasn't being entirely forthcoming, but he didn't want to push her too much. They had only slept together once- it wasn't like they were confidantes.
"What did you come up for?"
"I had some pathology reports for you- I wanted to save you a trip down to the lab. I noticed that you were asleep in your office on Tuesday, thought you might be tired."
"Watching me in my office? That's not creepy at all" she bit out.
Cassian ground his teeth and flushed. Why was she being so hostile?
"Anyways, send me an email or come by the lab if you have any questions about the reports. My door's always open."
"You haven't been very open lately" she hissed.
Cassian inhaled deeply through his nostrils. He was at work, keep it professional. "I'm not sure what you are talking about. I've been nothing but helpful and polite towards you, and more than willing to collaborate with you on cases."
"Well I'm glad helpful and polite is the treatment I can expect now. Just a quick fuck, then back to a cordial relationship, hmm?"
He clenched his fist as he rapidly expelled a puff of air. Lowering his voice, he growled, "Jyn, you were the one who didn't want anything else to come from this. Not me. You pushed me away. Don't try to guilt me for protecting myself."
Jyn snorted. "Well, I'm glad you feel protected. That makes one of us. Just go."
Cassian stormed out of her office without a second glance.
Jyn's original plan had been to walk straight home, make a large mug of cocoa, and curl up to sleep. She rarely tried to deal with anxiety head-on; sometimes, she would chase it from her body by running or boxing at the gym. Other times, she would sleep to avoid her thoughts. Jyn was too nauseous and exhausted to exercise, so sleep was her only refuge. The mature part of Jyn's mind acknowledged that she needed to make a decision, sooner rather than later. But even thinking about the baby right now made her mind hum with anxiety. Any decisions could wait until the morning.
As she walked home, her mind was abuzz with the events of the day. She was angry with herself for being so incredibly stupid- letting herself trust too much. Jyn had always prided herself on being careful, had always planned for the worst, was ready to run at a moment's notice. The one time she let down her guard, the capriciousness of the universe reared its head.
Her initial instincts screamed at her to get an abortion. Jyn didn't feel that she was a good candidate to be a mother. She constantly relieved the trauma of her childhood and young adult years, had poor coping mechanisms for the daily stress and grief that came with her job, and she was a terrible housekeeper. With the state of her apartment currently, a baby would probably go missing under a pile of dirty laundry. On a daily basis, Jyn saw the worst that could happen to children through disease processes. She wasn't sure if she could handle losing a child that way.
On the other hand, Jyn loved children. A small, hopeful part of her had always wanted a family. As the years went on, Jyn had resigned herself to the idea that children were most likely not in the cards for her. She was 32 now- could she afford to wait for another chance like this one to come up? The idea of getting a random sperm donor to be the father of her baby had never appealed to her- it felt too much like playing the lottery. Cassian was kind, intelligent, and she liked him. There were worse choices for a father to her baby.
Jyn buried her face in her hands as she continued to think of Cassian. She would have to tell him if she decided to keep the baby. A pregnancy would be impossible to hide from him. What kind of role would he want to play in the baby's life? Having a baby would be difficult enough- trying to navigate a relationship with Cassian at the same time? The thought made her head hurt.
When she passed a CVS, a desperate, fleeting thought entered her mind. What if Leia's test was wrong? It was a possibility. Jyn found herself determinedly marching into the pharmacy, grabbing every brand of pregnancy test she spotted on the shelf. She defiantly jutted out her chin at the cashier who catalogued all of Jyn's purchases. Leaving the store $80 lighter and armed with a bagful of tests, Jyn made a beeline for her apartment.
Upon arriving home, she chugged water until she felt like her bladder was going to burst. Wriggling uncomfortably as she made her way to the bathroom, she meticulously unwrapped the first test, went about her business, and set a timer for the test. Seven times she went through this process- and seven times the test came back positive.
Feeling cold dread settle in her stomach again, Jyn walked to the kitchen in a daze. Absentmindedly setting a kettle on the stove, her hand knocked a bottle of wine off the counter. She jumped back as the bottle shattered, wine spilling everywhere.
"God damn it." She shrieked in frustration. Jyn frantically worked to sop up all of the liquid on the floor, wincing when a piece of glass pierced her fingertip.
After she had finished sweeping the glass from the floor, Jyn irritably grabbed the rest of the wine bottles on her counter and emptied them into the sink one-by-one. After she was done with the wine, she went to the beers in the fridge, thoroughly eliminating any temptation to drink. She wasn't sure if she wanted to keep the pregnancy yet, but she didn't want to do anything to hurt the baby in case she decided to keep it.
Curling up in bed with her mug of cocoa, she put Monty Python on the television. Her mother was British, and Jyn had oftentimes spent sick days and sleepless nights cuddled up in her mother's arms on the couch, giggling at the silly postures and ridiculous voices that the actors would put on. Even now, years after her mother's passing, Jyn would seek out Monty Python or Fawlty Towers when she needed some emotional comfort. She slowly drifted off to sleep with the show playing softly in the background.
That night, Jyn dreamed.
She was in a rocking chair in a nursery, cradling a tiny baby in her arms. Blue-eyed, as all little babies were, with a thick shock of dark hair topping its head. Jyn ran her fingertip along the baby's cheek, feeling the tiny bumps of baby acne and smooth swatches of skin. The baby squirmed, and Jyn gently lifted the child to her shoulder, patting her back and inhaling the sweet scent that was inherently associated with infants. Her heart warmed as she felt the baby lay its cheek against her shoulder, and Jyn couldn't remember ever being this happy in a dream.
Jyn woke with a start, and instinctively pressed her hand to her stomach- her "baby bump" was the tiniest swell, hardly even worthy of the title. She felt more peaceful in the light of day. While she was still anxious about her current situation, somehow her dream had soothed her fears about what kind of mother she might be. It had been a gentle reminder that she had the strength and love in her to raise a child by herself.
Despite the assurance that she had received from the dream, she had her doubts; there were concerns beyond her own parenting skills to consider. As if to provide a physical manifestation of them, her nausea resurfaced. As Jyn sat in her bathroom with her face pressed to the cool porcelain of the toilet, she surmised that her situation came down to a choice: whether or not to remain hopeful.