Chapter 4

The weekend had come and gone, and Jyn wasn't any closer to making up her mind about her next step. She had been plagued by nausea and anxiety, and had only left the bed to use the toilet and grab a fresh can of ginger ale. When Leia and Bodhi invited her out for Sunday brunch, she begged off, claiming that she had a stomach virus. She agonized about her situation. It was times like this that she wished she could have her mother with her, giving her loving advice and reassuring her that everything will be fine.

She shook her head and leaned back at her desk. Sighing, she absent-mindedly rubbed her lower back while picking up the file for her next appointment. Landon Preston- a three-year-old boy with embryonal rhabdomyosarcoma. He had presented to Jyn six months ago for unusual swellings near his eyes. Fortunately, he had many factors in his favor, including his age and the location of his tumor, and Jyn was excited to tell his mother today that Landon was in remission.

Jyn heard a knock at the door. "Come in," she called.

Bodhi opened the door, with Landon's mother, Brittany, behind him. Brittany was carrying a casserole dish in her arms. Jyn's stomach dropped. The smell of any food beyond saltines and ginger ale was making her feel nauseous today. She plastered a smile on her face that she hoped appeared genuine, and gestured for Brittany to sit down. Bodhi took Landon by the hand to go to one of the exam rooms down the hall.

"Hi, Brittany, how are you doing today?"

Brittany smiled back at Jyn. "I'm doing well, Dr. Erso- Landon has been doing really well the past few weeks. Also, I brought you a little something- Landon and I made some lasagna for you!"

Brittany pulled back the foil off the top of the casserole dish. As the aroma of the pasta escaped from its container, Jyn felt a new wave of queasiness hit her. Eyes watering, she gripped the bottom of her desk, to no avail. She was retching into the trash can under her desk before she could stop herself.

"Are you alright, Dr. Erso?" Brittany exclaimed, coming around the desk to rub Jyn's back.

Tears in her eyes, Jyn took a few deep inhalations through her mouth before quietly nodding. She grabbed a bottle of water off her desk, drinking some to cleanse her mouth of its sour aftertaste.

"Thank you, Brittany, I really appreciate it! If you wouldn't mind putting the foil back on the lasagna- I've been very sensitive to strong odors the past few weeks."

Brittany laughed. "It's no problem. When I was pregnant, I couldn't stand to even look at food for the first trimester." She paused. "Not that it's any of my business… but are congratulations in order?"

Jyn blushed and looked down. "Yes, I am. Just over seven weeks pregnant."

"You must be very excited!"

Jyn nodded shortly, and after a few moments pause, she asked, "Brittany, how has being a single mother been for you?"

Brittany looked at Jyn pensively. "I chose to be a single mother, so my experience may be a bit different from other single mothers- I went through IVF to have him, as you know. I was as prepared as you can be when I finally got pregnant."

Sighing heavily, she said, "It has been really hard, especially over the past few months with his cancer diagnosis. Having a baby is expensive- I'm lucky that I'm in an executive position at my company, where I can afford to take time off and have excellent medical coverage. There are always people who judge you when you are a single mother- but you don't seem the kind to care much about the judgments of others. Landon was a very big baby, which definitely made pregnancy and birth harder for me. But when he was born, and I held him for the first time? It made all the pain and discomfort worth it. Watching him grow up, being able to see the world through the eyes of someone completely new to it? That has been incredible. I never could find a partner to commit to seriously, but having Landon has made my heart full. Even with the past six months and the other bumps in the road that occur with parenthood, I wouldn't change anything."

Jyn blinked. She hadn't expected that impassioned of a response. Shifting, she took a shuddering breath, then said quietly, "Thank you for being so honest with me. I appreciate it. Now, shall we review Landon's latest pathology results? I think you'll be excited to hear them."

After Jyn had wrapped up her discussion of Landon's results, they went down the hall to the exam room so that Jyn could visit with Landon. When they came into the room, Landon waved at Jyn, grinning widely while swaying his body back and forth.

"Hi, Landon! What are you and Bodhi playing with today?"

"Trains… Thomas is my favorite."

Bodhi walked over to Jyn, and muttered in her ear, "His vitals look good, the wound site from surgery is healing nicely. I need to step out- Carrie is having trouble placing an IV line on a patient, and the nurse with her paged me asking if I can help."

Jyn nodded, and Bodhi quickly left the room.

Crouching down, Jyn began to play with Landon and his trains, casually inserting questions like, "How does your tummy feel?" or "Does your head hurt?" while laying down train tracks across the room. At the end of the appointment, Landon ran over and hugged Jyn. Taking the little boy in her arms, Jyn felt a surge of warmth and affection in her chest. In that moment, she knew that she had her answer.

Jyn stood up. "Brittany, he's doing really well. I couldn't be more pleased with his recovery."

Brittany glowed, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Up?"

Jyn looked back down at Landon. He was holding his arms up to her. Jyn leaned down and picked him up, balancing him on her hip.

"You're a natural already, Dr. Erso. You'll be a great mother."

Handing Landon back to Brittany, Jyn murmured, "I hope so."

Back in her office, Jyn was disposing of the Planned Parenthood pamphlets, when she heard a knock at the door. She scrambled to shove the pamphlets further into her trash can. "Come in!"

Leia came through the door and unceremoniously plopped herself down on to the chair across from Jyn. Looking at Jyn sympathetically, she said, "Have you made any decisions yet?"

Biting her lip, Jyn glanced up at Leia. "I'm keeping the baby."

Leia beamed, grasping one of Jyn's hands in both of hers. "This is what you really want?"

Jyn looked back into Leia's soulful eyes. "It is. I'm scared shitless, but I want this."

Leia let out an undignified squeal, perhaps not appropriate for a gynecologist talking to her patient, but definitely appropriate for two best friends sharing exciting news. "You're going to be a kickass mother, Jyn. And I'll be here to help you every step of the way. We'll get your apartment baby-proofed, I'll go shopping for the baby with you, I can convince Han to help build baby furniture..."

Looking dreamy for a moment longer, Leia snapped back into Dr. Organa mode. "We can get you in for your first pre-natal appointment as soon as Thursday, if you want to."

"Before we schedule the appointment, I need to tell Cassian. A pregnancy will be difficult to hide from him. What he wants won't change my decision, but he has a right to know."

"When are you going to tell him?"

Jyn fidgeted with one of the hair ties scattered across her desk. "I think I'm going to try to tell him tonight. The sooner I get it out there, the sooner we can figure shit out."

"Text me to let me know how it goes. And Jyn?"

"Yeah?"

"Be gentle with him. Cassian is a good guy, and I think he'll want to be a part of this if you let him in."

After Leia left, Jyn sat back and groaned. She wasn't even sure if "gentle" was part of her vocabulary.

Cassian was wrapping up for the day, typing a few last reports at his desk, when the elevator opened.

"We're closed," he called out jokingly.

"Not even open for your favorite grumpy pediatric oncologist?"

Cassian stiffened. He had not expected her down here this afternoon. The nonchalance of her tone grated against him- seeming to mock the sudden tension flooding through his body. His traitorous heart, of course, leapt with a frisson of excitement. He had the sudden, conflicting desires to push her away for hurting him, and to thank her for coming back to him.

"We are closed indefinitely to grumpy pediatric oncologists." Sensing no change in the air, he gritted his teeth in frustration, knowing that he hadn't deterred her.

"That's a shame. Oh well. I'll take myself and my dinner invite up to orthopedic surgery- I'm sure there's some hot-shot resident who would be happy to take me up on it." Jyn put the words out slowly, deliberately, trying to push his buttons.

That caught his attention. He turned around, and what he saw made him take pause. Drinking in Jyn's full form- she didn't look well to him. Bags under her eyes, pale-faced… he had to hold back a smirk when he saw that Jyn's eyes still fearlessly challenged him. Relenting, face flooding with concern, he murmured, "Are you alright, Jyn? You look like you need to go home and get some rest."

"Well, you certainly know how to make a girl feel special, Dr. Andor. Do you want to come and get dinner with me, or not?"

He eyed her suspiciously, not missing her clear deflection. "What makes this evening different than three weeks ago?"

Jyn was clearly becoming impatient- her body was tensing, her countenance downright agitated. Crossing her arms over her chest, she snapped, "I had a change of heart, Cassian. Sometimes those happen." She couldn't meet his gaze as the words came out of her mouth.

Cassian didn't believe her for one second- Jyn was like him, how he had been most of his life- typically brutally honest, but adept at lying when protecting herself. However, his curiosity had been piqued. He wanted to know what made Jyn tick, why she was suddenly so insistent on his presence in her life on this particular night.

"Alright, give me a minute to wrap up this report, then we can go out. Where are we going, anyways?"

Jyn sat down on one of the chairs at a nearby lab bench, turning back and forth on its axle. "I was hoping you might be interested in eating some lasagna back at my place?"

Typing up the last of his findings, Cassian snorted. "Is that a euphemism?"

Jyn glanced at him coyly. "Only if you want it to be."

Cassian felt himself getting hard, but knew with a sinking sense of disappointment that Jyn was most likely teasing him.

"So…no?"

"No."

"You're a menace."

"You like it."

Not bothering to respond to that, he changed subjects. "Didn't know that you cooked."

"I don't. But one of my patients helped his Mom make lasagna for me, and while I've never said no to a plate of pasta, there is no way I can finish this all on my own."

He smiled. There was something quaint about a patient bringing food for Jyn. It reminded him of his childhood in Mexico, when patients unable to afford hospital care would bring his father (a local physician) eggs, fresh vegetables, whole chickens to thank him for his services. While adult Cassian recognized the injustice of a person not being able to afford a basic human right, as a child, he had loved seeing what his father's patients would bring to appointments. Once, an older woman brought three freshly-hatched chicks. Handing them to Cassian, he could recall his Papa's voice in his ear, telling him to hold them gently, not to squeeze them. "Dulcemente, Cassian," he murmured. "Ellos están muy frágil."

He abruptly remembered that he was not alone in the room. Turning to Jyn, his mouth quirked at how she had turned herself around, legs wedged between the seat of the chair and its back, dangling off the floor. Her chin resting on her hands, elbows propped up on the chair back. Smiling at him, eyes sparkling in a rare moment of vulnerability, she commented, "You looked like you were in another place for a moment there."

Wistfully, he softly uttered, "I was."

Jyn glanced at him curiously, but made no comment.

"By the way, you're carrying the lasagna."

"I didn't sign up for this," he protested.

Jyn's mouth twisted, amused by his particular choice of phrase. His words echoed what she had felt all weekend. But Cassian didn't need to see her tossing up this morning's saltines on the pavement, so he was going to carry the damn lasagna.

Despite his objections, Cassian did end up carrying the lasagna on the walk back to Jyn's apartment. As Jyn unlocked her front door, she mentally braced herself, preparing for a conversation that would change their relationship and their lives.