Chapter 5
Coming through the door, Cassian smirked at how different this was compared to the last time. Instead of a passionate frenzy, he was loaded down with a massive dish of lasagna, and Jyn had a determined set to her step, rather than the haphazard stumbling of prior.
"Where should I set this down?" he queried, raising the dish of lasagna for emphasis.
Cassian winced as Jyn slid an old pizza box with magazines stacked on it off the counter into a loose garbage bag. He set down the lasagna in its newfound home, and looked around Jyn's kitchen, noting how much it resembled a mailroom. His fingers itched to organize the carelessly strewn letters into neat stacks.
Jyn cleared her throat. "Done judging my housekeeping skills?"
Cassian grinned guiltily, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other. "Sorry, I'm just not used to clutter. It distracts me."
"I'm not usually attentive enough to details like that for it to bother me. But that is probably why you're such a great pathologist."
He blushed at the compliment. The ability to think in pictures, to carefully observe every detail before planning his next move, had been a motivating factor in his choice of profession. Sliding into a chair at the island in her kitchen, he stretched out.
"Can I get you some water? Milk? Pedialyte?" Jyn asked.
"No wine or beer?" he inquired curiously. Jyn liked to drink, and he could have sworn that he saw a few bottles of wine on the counter last time he was here.
"Yeah… I've decided to stop."
Cassian frowned, bemused. "Why?" Jyn had never struck him as a teetotaler. His question seemed to provoke something in her; she blanched and looked like she wanted to run from the room. Observing her reaction, the pieces began to slide together for him.
Jyn took a deep breath. It was now or never- Cassian wasn't dumb, she had to beat him to the punch.
"Cassian, I'm pregnant." Jyn white-knuckled the countertop, not quite ready to look up at him. When she dared to, he was staring at her, wide-eyed and more than a little pale.
"Are you… joking?" he asked hesitantly.
Jyn rolled her eyes impatiently. "No, I'm not joking. Surprise fake pregnancies aren't in my repertoire of pranks to play on sexual partners."
She watched as Cassian exhaled a huge breath. She stared at the clock on her oven, the one that she had never set to the proper time, wondering how long the kitchen would be silent.
"Is it mine?"
"Actually, I just decided to invite you over here to tell you that I'm pregnant with another man's baby." When Cassian's eyes flashed with just the barest hint of injury, Leia's words echoed in her mind.
Be gentle.
Drawing in a heavy breath, she put her face in her hands, leaning forward on the counter. "Yes, it's yours, Cassian. You're the father. I haven't slept with anyone else in over two years, so unless my vibrator suddenly gained some new reproductive organs, it has to be you."
Cassian ran his hand over his face, as if the action would clear his mind of the thoughts racing through.
"I thought you were on birth control…Depo-Provera."
Jyn snorted. "I was on birth control. But since I'm horribly disorganized when it comes to my personal affairs, I forgot to schedule my three-month appointment to get a new shot."
"When did you find out?"
"Friday."
Understanding shone clearly in his eyes, acknowledgment of an apology left unsaid.
"But I mean, even with the late shot… how could this happen?"
"Well, when two people love each other, or are just ridiculously horny…." His glare and obvious lack of amusement cut her short.
Running her fingers through her hair, Jyn murmured, "To be honest… a lot of stars had to align for this to happen. I don't know if you have some kind of super sperm, or if my eggs just decided that this was it, but at my age and with all the conflicting factors, it's pretty crazy it even occurred."
Cassian's countenance softened as she spoke, though she didn't miss his flicker of amusement at the words "super sperm". "Jyn, I don't know what you want to do, but whether you decide to have an abortion or keep the baby, I'll support you completely." Pausing, he then asked, "Have you made a decision?"
Pressing a palm to her stomach, Jyn answered, "I'm keeping the baby. I'm 32, and while I don't know what's in the cards for me romantically, I do know that I want a family of my own. I guess this is as good a place as any to start. But I want you to know that even though I'm keeping the baby, I'm not going to obligate you to take care of it or be involved if that's not what you want. It was my mistake that led to this, and I don't want you to have to pay the consequences. I've spent most of my life on my own, so if this isn't any different, I'll be alright."
Cassian waited patiently as Jyn spoke. She appreciated this about him- he never cut her off, he always listened when she spoke to him. When she was done, he stared at her appraisingly for a few moments, as if weighing out her words in his mind, before responding lowly, and a little shyly.
"Jyn, if you'll let me, I want to be involved with this, I want to be with you all the way."
She glanced up, surprised. "You want this?"
Giving her his little half-smile, he said, "I have wanted a family for a long time, but there was never the right person or the right moment. This is unconventional, and definitely unexpected… but I'm excited." Looking at his face, she could see that there was no deception in his words. He was veritably beaming.
Jyn picked up the dish of lasagna, starting it heating in her microwave. "So, how will all of this work?"
"How far along are you…six, seven weeks?"
Jyn was about to respond, when the odor of the lasagna hit her. "No," she groaned, as a wave of nausea flared its tendrils into her esophagus. Scared to open her mouth, she tried to quell it by breathing deep through her nose… and at that point, all bets were off. Jyn raced to the bathroom, hearing Cassian call her name in an alarmed tone. She got to the toilet just in time to push up the seat and start retching. After a moment, she sensed Cassian's presence at the door frame.
"Jyn?" His voice was thick with concern.
She flapped her hand at him, hoping that might be enough to alleviate his concerns. But a few moments later he was at her side, gently rubbing her back. She finally pulled back from the toilet, gasping, with tears running down her face.
"Do you have a washcloth?" he murmured.
She hummed in affirmation, and pointed towards the cabinet next to the shower. She closed her eyes, listening to him rummage through the cabinet and run some water in the bathroom sink. She sighed with relief when she felt a cool cloth dabbing at her face.
"Would you like a cup of water to rinse your mouth with?" he asked.
She nodded weakly, and heard him walk back towards the kitchen. It was official- she did not deserve Cassian Andor. Leaning her head against the cool wall, she began to drift off when she heard Cassian whispering her name. She dutifully sipped some water when he held it to her lips, slowly cracking her eyes open.
He was crouched in front of her, eyeing her worriedly. "I'm going to go to the drugstore across the street to get some things for your nausea. Will you be alright until I get back?"
"Cassian… you don't have to do that," she protested feebly. "I'll be alright, it's been like this for a week and I've survived so far."
Cassian stood up, clearly not taking her objections seriously. "Jyn, just because you can survive on your own doesn't mean you should. Let me take care of you, you're sick."
He grabbed a bath towel from the cabinet, rolled it up, and helped Jyn lay down so that her head was resting on the towel. With quiet reassurances that he would be back soon, she listened as the front door closed. Shutting her eyes, she tried to distract herself from her resurfacing nausea by gritting her teeth and reviewing tomorrow's appointments in her head. Finally, after what felt like hours, she heard the front door open. Vaguely, she considered the idea that it could in fact be a burglar, before she heard the lock click neatly shut. Most likely not a home invasion then. The call of "Jyn, I'm back" confirmed that it was Cassian returning.
Coming into the bathroom, she heard the crinkle of a paper bag hitting the floor. She felt Cassian's warm palm on her face. "How are you feeling?"
"Like shit" she muttered.
He let out a quick laugh. "I thought it might be good to take you out to the living room, get you comfortable on the couch."
Jyn slowly sat up, and another wave of dizziness hit her. Swaying, she murmured, "I think I came up too fast."
He looked to her sympathetically, then requested that she wrap her arms around his neck. After her arms were secured there, he scooped her up in his arms, carrying her back to the couch and setting her down there.
"Do you want a blanket or anything to cover you up?"
She shook her head. Observing him as he walked back towards the kitchen with a bag from CVS, she was impressed at how quiet his footfalls were. She heard the telltale hiss of a bottle of soda being opened, and clinks and clatters from her plates and glasses being shifted around in the cabinet. "I hope it's ginger ale" she called. "I hate Sprite."
Bless him, he returned to the room with a cup of cold ginger ale, and a plate of saltines. "You may want to talk to Leia about getting some metoclopramide or ondansetron for your nausea. In the meantime, I got you some famotidine and Pepto at the drug store. Hopefully it'll help to make you feel better."
Handing her the pills, Jyn gingerly swallowed them with the soda. She smiled at him, "I'm impressed that you remember so much pharmacology, especially since you never have to use it."
Grinning back at her, he rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. "Before I did my pathology residency, I did two years of an emergency medicine residency. I saw a lot of pregnant women come in with hyperemesis gravidarum."
Jyn raised her eyesbrows. "You did half of an emergency medicine residency?"
Sighing, he plopped down on the couch next to her. "Try to eat a saltine. You need to keep food in your stomach. But yes, I did half of an emergency medicine residency. I was very drawn to the adrenaline rush, the fast-paced environment."
"What made you change your mind?"
"I got so used to seeing shooting victims, patients with strokes, CHF. A lot of my patients died, and while it wasn't my fault that they died, it began to weigh on me. I got burned out. One of the attendings I worked closely with noticed. She was the first one to suggest that I spend a few weeks in the pathology lab. I knew almost immediately pathology was a better fit for me, but it took me a year to actually decide to apply for pathology residencies and make the change."
He was silent for a few more moments, but Jyn could tell he was deliberating on whether or not to say more. When he continued, he said, "It's one of the things that I most admire about you… that you haven't gotten burned out. You still have this hope, and it is so infectious. You see horrible cases each week, but never stop fighting for your patients."
Jyn bit her lip, surprised. She had never thought of herself as a particularly inspiring figure. She was just a physician, doing her job, trying to do what was right by her patients. She turned, looked into his eyes, trying to communicate the words that wouldn't come to her. He reached up and gently squeezed her shoulder in response.
Of course, right then, Jyn burped. Loudly. Completely ruining the moment. Her face blushed bright red, and Cassian snickered, unable to contain his mirth. Once he reined in his laughter, he soothingly intoned, "It's all right, Jyn, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You aren't feeling well."
She grumbled something unintelligible in response.
"Since you aren't feeling well, I was wondering if I should stay over? Keep an eye on you? I don't want you getting up in the middle of the night and falling from another dizzy spell."
Jyn slid her eyes in his direction, and said, "Just so you know, sex is the furthest thing from my mind right now."
He rolled his eyes at her. "I wasn't thinking about having sex with you, Jyn. I just want to make sure that you and the baby are okay. I'll even sleep on the couch in here."
"Don't be ridiculous. We've already had sex. You can sleep in the bed with me."
Cassian checked his watch. "It's 6:45... we've got a few hours before bed. Want to watch a movie?"
Jyn shrugged. "Sure. What do you want to watch?"
They decided to watch the new Star Wars movie on Netflix. Cassian went to the kitchen when his stomach began to grumble loudly- he didn't want to bring lasagna into the living room and risk upsetting Jyn's stomach again. As he cut into his generous slab of pasta, he considered that afternoon's events.
A baby. He was going to be a father, assuming everything went well. A few years ago, it seemed like all of Cassian's former peers from medical school and residency started reproducing at once. As he saw photos of their babies and children at dinners out, played with their kids at summer barbecues, he became aware that he wanted a family of his own. He had yet to find the right person to start a family with, but didn't feel an impending sense of urgency. Male reproductive biology didn't really come with an expiration date.
The idea of having a baby with Jyn, though… it terrified him and excited him. Outside the realm of him becoming a father, he couldn't help but dwell on the implications that this might have for their future romantically. As much as Jyn's initial rejection had hurt, he would take her back if she wanted him. And while Jyn seemed to frequently be flying by the seat of her pants, Cassian was careful, a methodical planner. He had always anticipated that having a baby would involve serious discussions about the responsibilities of parenthood, expectations of each other, a plan for exactly when the best time to have a baby would be. This was all moving so quickly, and for the first time in a long time, Cassian did not feel like he was in control.
He was torn from his thoughts by a dramatic cry of, "NO!" from the living room. Dropping the fork in his hand, he dashed to Jyn, only to find her curled up in a tearful ball on the couch.
"Jyn, are you okay?" he asked urgently.
She nodded, lower lip wobbling. "It's just so sad…. This sweet little pilot in the movie was just blown up by a grenade, and now it doesn't look like they'll have any way to get off the base. It's so unfair."
Trying not to grin in amusement at this unexpectedly emotional side of Jyn, he sat down next to her on the couch, holding out an arm invitingly for her. Watching him warily, Jyn tentatively settled into the crook of his arm, muscles tense.
"You scared me," he murmured quietly.
"Sorry," she muttered.
They watched until the end of the movie in silence, and Jyn cried as the two rebels held each other on the beach, waiting for the explosion to overtake them. Cassian did not cry, but did feel a twinge of sadness in his chest that the ill-fated heroes had never gotten to experience a life together.
Cassian looked down at Jyn affectionately. "It's 9:30. Do you want to go to bed, try to get some rest?"
Jyn nodded, covering up a yawn with the crook of her elbow. She slid off the couch, tentatively testing her balance before walking to the bathroom. Cassian groaned loudly when he realized Jyn had not shut the door behind her when she went to pee.
"Isn't it a little early for this step?" he called pleadingly.
"Cassian, in approximately 7-8 months you will see my lady bits contort in ways you never thought possible. And that is not meant to sound sexy. This is the least of your worries."
Closing his eyes wearily, Cassian leaned back onto the plush grey couch. He felt certain that Jyn Erso would be the death of him.
That night, lying in bed next to Cassian, Jyn couldn't stop thinking about the baby. She was excited about it, but she kept coming back to the idea that she didn't know how to be a mother. She knew what to look for in babies that was abnormal, how to make them giggle even when they were sick, how to swaddle a fussy newborn, tips and tricks for potty-training a stubborn toddler. But when it came to the less concrete details of motherhood- how to make a child feel loved and valued, how to make a child feel safe and secure, when to hold tight and when to let go- Jyn didn't have the slightest clue.
"Cassian?" she whispered. He hummed in response.
"I'm scared."
Cassian rolled over to gaze at her, his face barely illuminated in the moonlight shining through the window. "What's scaring you, Jyn?"
"I'm scared that I won't be a good mother. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck this up." She hated herself in that moment, hated how tears were threatening to spill out of her eyes, just another tell of weakness, vulnerability. Cassian reached out, swiped a thumb across her cheekbone, smearing away fresh tears.
"I'm scared too, Jyn. Not being able to plan this, control it- that's new territory for me."
Grabbing Jyn's hand, he quietly reassured her. "A good friend of mine who had a baby last year told me that if you aren't scared when you get pregnant, then you aren't comprehending what a huge life change having a baby is. I think it's good that we're scared. It means that we are taking this seriously."
Jyn nodded, beginning to feel a little sleepy. Cassian looked at her earnestly. "You're not alone in this, Jyn. I'll help you figure it out, every step of the way."
She felt an unusual sense of safety envelope her as she drifted off to sleep.
The next morning, Cassian awoke to the sound of Jyn gagging into the toilet. Rolling out of bed, he padded to the bathroom.
"How long have you been here?"
She sniffled, irritably wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. "About ten minutes."
Cassian picked up the washcloth from last night, ran it under the faucet again. Smoothing the cool cloth across her face, he asked, "So… have you told your parents yet?"
Jyn's expression cooled, and her eyes flashed with hurt for a bare second before taking on a stony expression. "My parents are both dead."
Cassian could almost hear Kay's sarcastic tone in his head, mocking. "Well done, Cassian." Swallowing anxiously, he softly muttered an apology to her.
"Well, it's not your fault that they aren't here."
He tipped his head in acknowledgment. He focused his attentions on cleaning her face, and got up to get her some water from the kitchen. Watching Jyn swish the water in her mouth, he suddenly said, "Mine too."
She squinted at him, cocked her head to the side.
"My parents are dead, too."
Jyn's mouth twisted into a soured expression that he was sure had nothing to do with the morning sickness. Bitterly, she remarked, "Well, I guess that means we can't rely on grandparents for babysitting."
Cassian's mouth drew into a thin line, and his jaw twitched. He felt sure that Jyn's flippancy on the subject was an act, but that didn't make it nettle any less. Looking up at her dolefully, he took the empty glass from the floor where she had set it and walked back to the kitchen. A few moments later, he heard light footsteps rush to the kitchen.
"I'm sorry, Cassian. That was a terrible thing to say."
"Then why would you say it?"
She paused. Cassian aggressively scrubbed at the glass in the sink while waiting for her response.
"I'm still angry at my parents. Especially my father. Angry at how they left me, angry at having to do most everything on my own."
Hissing when the water from the faucet scalded the back of his hand, Cassian spun around suddenly. "You aren't the only one who has lost everything, Jyn. I lost my parents when I was six years old, and you don't see me lashing out at others for it. Some of us decided not to wallow in it." With that, Cassian stomped out of the kitchen.
He muttered angrily to himself in Spanish as he jerked his pants on. After dressing, he ran his fingers through his thick hair, trying to tame it as much as possible. Fortunately, there was a shower in the pathology locker room, and spare scrubs in his locker. He could make himself look professional if he slipped into work undetected. When he rushed out the front door of Jyn's apartment, he saw her still standing in the kitchen, looking stunned. He didn't stop to say goodbye.