Chapter 6
When Cassian arrived at work, he was greeted by Kay, who examined his appearance critically.
"Cassian, those are the same clothes that you wore yesterday."
"Yes, they are."
"You also haven't showered."
"No, I haven't"
"Did you have sexual intercourse last night?"
Cassian winced. He really didn't want to have this discussion with Kay, especially this early in the morning. "No, my washing machine is broken."
"Is your shower also broken? I've found your behavior unusually erratic these past few weeks, Cassian. Is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
Cassian tensed. He hadn't wanted to tell Kay anything about sleeping with Jyn, and he didn't particularly want to announce Jyn's pregnancy to a lot of people when it was still so early. However, he needed someone to confide in, and there was no one he trusted more than Kay. He sighed wearily before choosing to take the path of honesty.
"Yeah, there is, Kay. Can you meet me in my office during our lunch hour today?"
Kay raised his eyebrows. Cassian never used his actual office- he spent all day working at his lab bench and typing up notes on the lab desktop. The only memory Kay had of Cassian using it was when he had to tell a colleague in oncology that she had breast cancer. Nodding, Kay hesitated for a moment before squeezing Cassian's shoulder and walking off.
Stepping under the stream of hot water in the locker room shower, Cassian slicked back his hair and closed his eyes. He kept replaying that morning's conversation with Jyn in his head, and as angry as he was with her, he couldn't help but worry as well. Jyn wasn't just a colleague who he had feelings for now- she was also the mother of his child. He felt a twinge of guilt when he reflected on the look of shock plain on her face as he raged and stomped out her front door. He hadn't wanted to upset her, but what she said had been like a punch to the gut for him. Jyn may have resentment towards her parents, but Cassian would give anything to have his parents here with him.
Having lost both of his parents at such a young age, Cassian had always had an idealized vision of who they were, what their involvement in his life today might look like. In his mind's eye, he saw his parents joyfully holding their grandchild. His mother, hair tied back in a neat knot, would smile at him lovingly, place her hand on his cheek. His father, bursting with pride, would nod at him with warmth deep in his eyes.
He had tears running down his face. Planting an open palm against the cool tile of the shower, he pressed the pads of his fingertips into the smooth surface, trying desperately to rein in his emotions. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried. Breathing deeply through his nose, he grounded himself. He couldn't afford to make mistakes in his work- lives were on the line. While at his lab bench, he couldn't be Cassian Andor, a man pursuing a woman that drove him crazy. He had to be calm and collected- a professional. He turned off the water and briskly dried off. Slipping back into his familiar mask of composure, he was ready to face the day in his role as the equanimous pathologist.
Jyn was disgusted with herself.
As a child and teenager, she had become used to people not sticking around. And when she reached adulthood, it was something she came to expect, to the point that she would actively drive lovers away to save herself from disappointment. Jyn had boyfriends in college, men attracted to her fiery temperament, her wild passion. But once she had bedded them, she let her hardened, sharp edges show. Usually, the first few cutting comments would be enough to deflate their egos and send them running.
Cassian was different. He thought her irritability was funny, her sarcasm seemed to slide off him like oil on water. Apparently Jyn couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. She just had to dig in where she knew it would hurt, almost like she had planned this. That she had made patient, kind, good Cassian fly into a rage said enough about the type of woman she was. She didn't deserve him. She certainly didn't deserve to have him as the father of her child.
While he had told her last night that he was scared, Jyn had a difficult time believing it. Cassian was perpetually unruffled. Their child would be lucky to have him as a father, especially considering it had the comparatively poor option of her as its mother. Maybe she should just give the baby to Cassian, let the little nugget have a fighting chance at a normal life. Let Cassian have a good life with someone who deserved him.
As she spiraled into further self-loathing, she imagined Cassian, holding their pretty dark-haired baby (because this baby would be beautiful). Wrapped in his other arm was a stunning blonde woman, smiling up at him adoringly, treating him the way he should be treated. She probably had a roast chicken with mashed potatoes ready on the dinner table for him. She was elegant, her hair was perfectly coiffed, and her bra always matched her panties. She definitely didn't pee with the door open.
Splashing her face with water from the kitchen faucet, Jyn tried to clear her mind. She dug her nails into her palm until the tears collecting at the corners of her eyes receded. She needed to focus on her patients. Striding to her bedroom, she grabbed some clean scrubs from the laundry basket, clipping her hospital badge onto the top pocket of the shirt. She sighed as she toed on her favorite work clogs, feeling the soles cradle her feet. Pulling her hair into a sensible pony tail, she walked to the kitchen counter. She felt a pang in her chest when she saw a box of saltines with a post-it slapped on top.
"EAT THESE!" the Post-it announced loudly in Cassian's handwriting. "You'll thank me later" was written in smaller script at the bottom.
She grabbed the box and rushed out the door.
While waiting at a crosswalk on her walk to the hospital, Jyn tapped out a text to her group chat with Bodhi and Leia.
"Lunch in my office today?"
Within seconds, Leia's affirmative response popped up. Typical- Leia was probably already in her office. She made it a habit to be 30 minutes early for everything- or as Jyn called it, "early to being early". Bodhi's cheerful confirmation came a few moments later, punctuated with excessive exclamation points.
Riding the elevator up to her floor and gingerly nibbling at a saltine, Jyn repeated an insistent mantra in her head. "Don't think of Cassian 'til lunch, don't think of Cassian 'til lunch…". And while she recognized that her attempts to follow through on this would most likely be in vain, a girl could try, right?
"I brought this for you. You look tired."
Cassian looked up as Kay set a cup from the best local coffee shop on his desk. He smiled, nodding his thanks. The hospital coffee was notoriously terrible- many residents had gotten ulcers after one too many cups.
Kay slid into the chair across from Cassian's desk. A small cloud of dust puffed up around him as he did so, as though the chair was protesting its unexpected use. Cassian took a few long drags from the cup before starting into their conversation.
"I haven't been completely honest with you, Kay."
Before he could continue, Kay said, "I know." Cassian closed his eyes. He knew that he couldn't disguise anything from his closest friend.
"A month ago, I slept with Jyn Erso. It was after the hospital mixer."
"I take it that it did not go well. I'm shocked. She always seemed so consistent and predictable to me." A puddle could have formed with all the sarcasm dripping from Kay's voice.
Irritated, Cassian growled, "Not now, Kay."
Kay rolled his eyes in vague annoyance, waved his hand like he was swatting a gnat. "Very well, go on."
Gritting his teeth, Cassian steeled himself for Kay's next reaction. "I went over to Jyn's apartment last night. She's pregnant."
At that, Kay's eyebrows shot up. "Are you sure that it's yours?"
Huffing with vexation, Cassian snapped back, "Yes, it is mine. Jyn is many things, a liar is not one of them."
An awkward silence precipitated between them. Cassian rubbed his temples with his fingertips, while Kay had his "data processing" face on.
"Is she going to keep the fetus?"
Grimacing at Kay's choice of words, he nodded. Cassian had never had an objection to using the word "fetus" before, but now, when speaking about his baby… it sounded too clinical, too impersonal. While the scientist in him knew the baby looked more like a tiny deformed lizard than an infant at this point, the father in him objected to the word "fetus" as a descriptor for his child. He already had so many emotions associated with the tiny lizard person growing inside of Jyn - he didn't think he could ever view it clinically again.
"Do you know the rate of failure for relationships based on one night stands with subsequent pregnancies?"
"No, Kay… I don't think I want to know."
"It's high. It's very high."
Cassian glared at Kay. "I know that you don't like Jyn, and you may think I've lost my mind, but I want to be a father, and for some ridiculous reason, I also want Jyn. You're my closest friend, Kay… I need your support in this. Jyn needs your support as well."
Kay's face dropped into a rare, soft expression. Sighing resignedly, he grumpily promised Cassian that he would try his best to be pleasant to Jyn.
"And mind you, it's not for her. It's because I want you to be happy."
Looking over at Kay, he felt a surge of affection for his friend. While Kay could be snarky and downright difficult to deal with at times, he was unwaveringly loyal to Cassian. Cassian ran his fingers through his hair.
"Kay, I need to go upstairs now and talk to Jyn. We left things on a… bad note this morning, and I don't want her to get herself too worked up over it."
Kay gestured to the door. "Don't let me stop you."
As Cassian made his way out the door, Kay called over his shoulder.
"Cassian? Thanks for trusting me."
"Anytime, Kay."
When Jyn sat down for lunch, she was exhausted. She had slept well the night before, but she felt like she needed three more nights of sleep before she could fully function. Her stomach was still queasy- a man must have named it morning sickness, because anyone who had ever been pregnant would know that it doesn't stop in the morning.
As she cracked open a can of ginger ale, Bodhi bounced through the door, grinning widely. Following shortly behind him was Leia.
"Guess who's going on a date with Luke Skywalker this weekend?!" effused Bodhi.
Leia pulled him in for a quick hug, expressing her excitement in loud, affectionate terms. Jyn smiled watching the two of them. She was so introverted, but these two more than made up for her lack of external expression. Pulling out a saltine from the packet, Jyn stared it down as if daring it to come back up once she swallowed it. Sipping delicately on her ginger ale, she watched as Leia's focus shifted from Bodhi to her.
"How did it go last night?" asked Leia.
"How did WHAT go?" inquired Bodhi suspiciously. Leia clapped her hand over her mouth, realizing she had made a mistake.
Taking a deep breath, Jyn blurted out, "Bodhi, I'm pregnant."
Bodhi sat, blinked once, twice, three times. Opened his mouth, then closed it back. Finally, he said, "You are fucking with me." Looking to Leia for confirmation, his incredulous expression became more pronounced. After another moment of digesting this new information, he exclaimed, "I'm going to be an uncle?!"
Jyn grinned. "In about 7 to 8 months, yes."
"JYN! Why didn't you tell me? We need to get everything in your apartment ready for the baby, need to make sure that you have all the right winter clothing for him or her, get you set up with all the breastfeeding equipment that you need…."
Jyn cut him off, smiling at him affectionately. "Bodhi, it's not like the baby is coming next week! I only found out on Friday. I didn't want to tell everyone until I knew what I wanted to do. Plus, I needed to tell Cassian first."
Bodhi's eyes expanded to the size of saucers. "So…wait. Cassian is the father? You're having a baby with him? How does he feel about it? Also, this baby will be so pretty."
Jyn was hating many of the changes that had come with her pregnancy thus far- however, crying at the drop of the hat was easily her least favorite development. As soon as Bodhi brought up Cassian's feelings on the subject, Jyn burst into tears. All the stress of that morning's argument came back to her.
Leia, looking very alarmed, rushed to Jyn's side and rubbed her back soothingly. Bodhi had a guilty expression on his face. "Jyn, honey… what's wrong? Did it go badly last night?" As an aside to Bodhi, Leia murmured, "She told Cassian about the baby last night."
Bodhi nodded sympathetically, reached over and grabbed Jyn's hand. "Jyn, it'll be okay. If he doesn't want this baby, fuck him. Leia and I will help you raise the baby. I'll move in with you! It can be our baby! Everything will be okay."
Between sniffles, Jyn gasped out, "No, no. He wants the baby. He was so nice."
Leia frowned. "Then why are you crying?"
Jyn slipped into a fresh wave of tears, silently cursing the surge of estrogen in her body that was causing her weepiness. After about five minutes of crying, she was able to calm herself. Bodhi handed her a tissue, and Leia was crouched down beside Jyn's chair. With their eyes fixed on her, Jyn told them what had passed during the argument that morning.
After she was done, Bodhi murmured, "Well, shit."
Leia's lips were pressed together, and Jyn could tell her friend was holding back, not wanting to upset her further. After a beat, Leia spoke.
"Jyn, that was… a really shitty thing to say."
Jyn groaned in frustration. "I know. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being this way, for never trusting people, for constantly pushing them away. Being socially inappropriate and occasionally cruel is my best defense mechanism."
Bodhi piped up next. "While Leia is right, dwelling on this mess fixes nothing. So what are you going to do to try and fix it?"
Cracking a watery smirk, Jyn joked, "Well, there's nothing that a well-timed blow job can't fix." Even as she said the words, her nausea resurfaced at the thought of putting anything besides a saltine in her mouth.
"Jyn" intoned Leia sternly. "You have to fix this. Like an adult."
Jyn rolled her eyes. "I know, Leia. I was going to go down to the lab later, see if he'd be up for talking tonight. Give him some insight into my fucked-up psyche."
Leia relaxed, clearly satisfied with Jyn's response. Jyn chewed her lip nervously. She hated discussing her life and her feelings with others. While she was characteristically blunt, being willingly vulnerable was another can of worms. One that she was scared to open.
A few hours later, she heard a knock on her office door. Jyn looked up, surprised. She wasn't supposed to have any appointments this afternoon- she had blocked out this period of time to review treatment plans and read through genetic testing reports for her patients.
"Come in."
When the door opened, Cassian was on the other side. He looked nervous, worried even. His brow was furrowed, and his thin lips were slightly downturned. When he saw Jyn, he relaxed almost imperceptibly, and his eyes gained a sheepish look.
"I heard you crying earlier."
Jyn flushed, angry and embarrassed. "Hanging outside my office again? What's your excuse this time?"
"I realized that I didn't have your phone number… and I was worried about you. I hate how we left things this morning. I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly."
Jyn grimaced at the thoughts of Cassian storming out of her apartment. Just like every man in her life before him, he had left when things got tough. "It's nothing I'm not used to," she admitted quietly.
His gaze softened, deep brown eyes baleful. "I don't want to be like everyone else."
Sighing, Jyn distracted herself with doodling on a corner of a notepad. She had to think of the baby, what would be best for the baby. "Look, this probably isn't the best place to talk about this, since my emotions are about as stable as a lit stick of dynamite. Can we go to one of our places tonight and talk it out?"
Cassian nodded. Jyn looked tired and fragile in that moment. He wanted to walk over and hold her, but knew that it wouldn't be professional. Instead, he settled for an agreement to meet at his car after work so they could go to his place.
The car ride back to his place that evening was quiet. Cassian typically drove in a method that Kay described as "terrifyingly uncalculated". However, with Jyn in his passenger seat and their baby inside her, he made a more conscious effort to be careful. He hadn't even started up the vehicle until Jyn had buckled her seatbelt, prompting an exaggerated eyeroll from her.
As they sat at a stoplight, Jyn commented, "You drive like an old lady. Literally everyone is passing you."
White-knuckling the steering wheel, Cassian snarked back, "Would you like to drive?" For whatever reason, Jyn did not have a driver's license, and Cassian knew that this comment would really irritate her.
Instead of irritated, Jyn looked panicked for a moment, before restoring a face of indifference. "No, you can keep driving."
When they got to his apartment- a two-bedroom unit forming one half of a duplex- Cassian tried to help Jyn out of the car, only for her to wave him off. Shrugging his shoulders, he walked ahead and opened up the door to his place. When they got inside, Jyn sat down at the table in the corner of Cassian's kitchen. Cassian went to his fridge and pulled out a can of ginger ale for her, setting it down in front of her.
"Thanks," she murmured.
They sat there for a few moments, silence weighing heavily between them. Jyn spoke first.
"Look, Cassian… I'm really sorry about what I said this morning. I know it was a shitty thing to say. Just…sometimes it's easier to push people away than to let them see what I feel."
Cassian had been watching Jyn, but seeing the hurt in her eyes, the pain…that had forced him to look away. In that moment, his greatest desire was to find who had made Jyn this way, and shake them. Her reaction in the car, and the look on her face now spoke of a past of shattering trauma that he had no way to repair. He was just left to pick up the pieces and hold them together as best he could.
"Jyn, we can't keep hurting each other. There has to be a better way. We're bringing a baby into the world… we can't fight like this all the time. I'm not asking you to bare your soul to me, but you need to trust me enough not to push me away." He grasped her hand in his. "I told you- I'm with you all the way. I meant it."
Unbidden, a tear slipped down Jyn's cheek. She bit the inside of her lip, refusing to look anywhere except the window. She knew that the levee would break if she saw Cassian's face in that moment.
Understanding that this was the most he would get from Jyn, Cassian squeezed her hand once more, then went to the cabinet to pull out a box of saltines. Setting a packet in front of her, her murmured, "How has your stomach been this afternoon?"
Jyn shook her head. "No change, really. Just barely avoiding the nausea. I had no idea that it could be this bad for some women."
"We can talk with Leia about it at your next appointment."
From there, they settled into a more comfortable rhythm, with Jyn filling Cassian in on when her next appointment would be, and Cassian occasionally encouraging Jyn to eat some more saltines. After Cassian had made and eaten a sandwich for his dinner, he and Jyn went to the living room where he read a pathology journal while she laid down and watched a movie on TV.
Around 9 PM, Cassian yawned. "I'm tired, do you want to stay here tonight?" Jyn shrugged. She was exhausted, and it was comforting to have Cassian around when she was feeling sick.
"Alright, well… You can sleep in my bedroom, and I'll sleep in the guest bed. The bed in my room is much more comfortable, so you'll get a good night's sleep."
Jyn forced down the twinge of hurt that moved through her chest when Cassian announced that they wouldn't be sharing a bed. Was he trying to distance himself from her? Not that she didn't deserve it. "Do you have a shirt I can sleep in?"
Cassian nodded, and Jyn followed him to his bedroom. She almost laughed at how precisely organized his drawers were. He tossed a t-shirt to her, and she began to strip out of the scrub pants she was wearing before he even left the room. Bending forward, she waited to see if she could elicit a response from him. She didn't miss the way his jaw tightened at the action, and fought back a smirk.
"Good night, Jyn," he called from the door.
"Good night, Cassian," she called back as she shimmied into his t-shirt and tucked herself under his comforter. Closing her eyes, sleep came quickly.
The next morning, Cassian woke up to the sound of Jyn vomiting. Rolling over, he checked the time on his phone. 5:00 AM. About an hour earlier than he would usually get up, but he wasn't going to leave Jyn alone while she was sick. Throwing the covers back, he padded over to the bathroom shared between the two bedrooms.
Crouching down beside Jyn, he whispered, "Hey". Jyn looked up at him, pale-faced and watery-eyed.
"You didn't have to get up," she said.
As Cassian wet a washcloth in the sink, he murmured, "I wanted to get up."
Dabbing around her mouth gently, he rubbed her back as a new wave of nausea hit. He tried to ignore that Jyn's bare legs were touching up against his, and that even in this state, she looked really sexy in his t-shirt. The edge of her blue panties peeked out from underneath the hemline of his t-shirt.
Shaking his head, he got up to get Jyn a glass of water. He needed to get his mind out of the gutter. When Jyn had started undressing in front of him the night before, it had required a lot of self-restraint to not cross the room and pull her to him, run his hands up and down her naked thighs. He could have sworn that she was teasing him when she bent forward provocatively while taking off her socks, but Jyn had told him she wasn't interested in sex, and he was going to respect her wishes.
Cassian closed his eyes in frustration when he realized that he now was standing in his kitchen with an erection. As he filled up a cup of water for Jyn, he tried to think of the least sexy things possible… cleaning the cryostat… meeting with Draven about a journal publication… tissue samples for necrotizing fasciitis. He sighed with relief when his erection finally receded. Coming back to the bathroom, Jyn was leaning against the wall, and of course her legs were spread wide apart, where he could see the outline of the inviting womanhood that lay between her thighs.
"Get it together, Cassian," he berated himself. "She's sick. Stop thinking about her like this."
Handing the glass to Jyn, Cassian turned around, desperately trying to find his bathrobe to cover up, when her voice broke the silence. "Feeling good this morning, aren't we?' Jyn croaked humorously. She nodded towards what Cassian could only assume was his erection. He flushed bright red.
"Yeah… you know… full bladder, all that." He wished that the floor could swallow him up in that moment.
Jyn just smirked. "Help me up?" She reached a hand out to him.
After he pulled her to her feet, Jyn removed his t-shirt, leaving her in just her panties. Slipping those off, she looked at Cassian for a moment, then stepped into the shower.
Cassian stood completely still, dumbfounded, for what felt like an hour. He finally forced his feet to move, and went back to the guest bedroom. Collapsing on the bed, he put his pillow over his face and groaned loudly. This was going to be a long seven months.
That Friday afternoon, Jyn was lying on the exam table in Leia's office. She was waiting for Cassian to arrive. They had decided it would be best for them to arrive separately at the appointment, to avoid raising suspicion amongst the outside hospital staff.
At that moment, Cassian hurried through the door. Grinning at Jyn, he asked, "Did I do okay on time?"
"I came in here ten minutes ago, I don't think anyone will suspect anything."
She watched, amused at how excited Cassian seemed to be. He rarely wore his heart on his sleeve- to see him so enthusiastic about becoming a father made her smile. Jyn was proud that she was the one giving this gift to him.
Her ruminations were interrupted by Shara coming in to the exam room.
"Hey, Jyn. How are you feeling today?"
Jyn snorted. She was nauseous as usual, and still felt exhausted. Shara smiled sympathetically.
"When I was pregnant with Poe, I was absolutely miserable for the first three months. I told Kes that I was never getting pregnant again. It gets better, don't worry."
While continuing to chat with Jyn, Shara took her weight, blood pressure, and temperature. When Jyn laid back down on the exam table, Shara pulled out a butterfly catheter.
"Did you collect a urine sample when you arrived?" Jyn nodded in response. "Okay, then I just need to get a quick blood sample from you so that we can do a normal CBC and serum chemistry panel, plus some extra tests to check your hormone levels."
Jyn held out her arm. She didn't mind getting her blood drawn, but when nurses poked around her veins, her first instinct was always to jerk her arm away. Cassian pulled the chair that he was sitting in closer to the exam table, and laced his fingers through Jyn's. Her stomach fluttered, for once not from nausea. When Shara inserted the catheter into her vein, Jyn took a quick breath in through her nose. Cassian soothed his thumb along her hand as Jyn felt the blood flow out of her arm and down the catheter.
After Shara finished getting the sample, she passed a gown to Jyn, and asked her to take off all her clothes before Leia came in. After Shara left the room, Cassian turned around so that he wouldn't watch Jyn change.
"Does my nudity bother you that much?" Jyn asked, as she tied the gown in the front.
"Jyn, no!" he protested quickly. "I just want to be respectful of you."
Jyn didn't have the words to respond to that. Instead, she focused intently on rearranging the paper cover in her lap. Fortunately, Leia came in right then and broke up the awkward moment. She leaned forward, hugging Jyn tightly, then turned to Cassian and enveloped him in an embrace as well. Jyn tried not to giggle at how uncomfortable he looked.
The prenatal appointment was uncomfortable for Jyn, and took longer than she expected. Leia reviewed family medical histories with both her and Cassian, then launched into her physical exam. While the breast exam and abdominal palpation were not terrible, it was slightly odd to have Cassian sitting with her through a pelvic exam.
"This will be cold, and you will feel some pressure," said Leia as she inserted the speculum.
Jyn sucked in a breath of air while Leia adjusted the speculum. Fortunately, she didn't have to get a Pap smear today. When Leia pulled the speculum back out, she shuddered a little at the sensation. Cassian placed his arm on her shoulder, rubbing the edge of it with his thumb. When Leia proceeded with her manual pelvic conformation exam and cervical exam, Jyn winced. Cassian hummed sympathetically, and moved his hand down to hold hers. Finally, the exam was over.
"Everything looks good," said Leia. "Your uterus has good tone- although it does feel a little larger than I would expect. We'll keep an eye on that, but I wouldn't worry too much. Your cervix doesn't feel too thin, and your pelvic bones feel normal. Are you guys ready to see the baby?"
Jyn nodded, perking up a little. Even though she rationally knew that there would be very little to see at this early in the pregnancy, she was still excited. Covering up her lap with the paper, she pulled up her gown so her belly was exposed. Cassian repositioned himself so that he could better see the screen, and Jyn could feel the energy rolling off him in waves. His eyes sparkled with anticipation, and in that moment, she didn't think he had ever looked so handsome.
Leia squirted some gel onto her stomach, and as she moved the probe across Jyn's lower abdomen, Jyn immediately knew something was different. She looked over at Cassian- he saw it too. Neither of them had much ultrasound training beyond their clinical rotations in medical school, but it didn't take a radiologist to tell them what they were seeing (and hearing). Two distinct white blobs slowly flickered in the black hollow that surrounded them, and two unsynchronized lub-dubs clearly sounded out.
Jyn hesitantly inquired, "Is that… two heartbeats?"
Leia had a focused expression on her face, moving side to side. Finally, after a moment or two of tense silence, she announced, "Well… it looks like you are having twins!"