Chapter 7
"FUCK!"
Cassian called Jyn's name, and when he got no response, he jumped out of her shower, wrapped himself in a towel, and rushed to the bedroom. He found Jyn struggling to pull on a pair of scrub pants for work. Rubbing his hand over his face, he grumbled, "Jyn, you really need to stop doing that."
Looking up at Cassian with wide eyes, Jyn exclaimed, "Doing what?"
"Screaming loudly out of frustration, then not responding when I call for you. It makes me think that something's wrong."
Huffing with irritation, Jyn muttered, "Something is wrong. I'm too fat for all my fucking clothes."
"Jyn, you aren't fat… you're pregnant."
Jyn was 12 weeks along, and Cassian was noticing the changes in her body. Her stomach was curving out ever so slightly- enough to be hidden by a baggy shirt, but big enough to show in anything tighter. In addition to the swell of her abdomen, her breasts had gotten larger, and her hair looked thicker. And for the first time since finding out she was pregnant, Jyn had woken up without morning sickness. Cassian thought she looked beautiful- the changes in her body excited him. Jyn had very different feelings on the matter.
"I feel like a bloated orca."
"You don't look like a bloated orca, you look gorgeous," he soothed. "You know, maybe it's time to consider going out and- "
"Don't say it, Cassian," she commanded.
"Going out shopping for some maternity clothes," he continued, heedless of her warning. "I'm sure Bodhi and Leia would be happy to go with you. You know that I am no good with these things."
"I hate shopping. It's why I wear scrubs everywhere. I'd rather die a fiery death than go shopping for a whole new wardrobe."
"Dios mío, Jyn. I don't know what else to tell you. You can't wear my clothes for the next nine months."
"Why can't I?" she pouted.
Cassian knew telling her she'd soon be too big for his clothes wouldn't go over well, so he smoothly cajoled, "Because I need to wear my clothes. So your options are going shopping or going naked. And while the hospital is a progressive workplace, they would frown on public nudity from a staff member."
Pulling out his phone, he furtively started texting Bodhi.
Jyn had turned around, and was continuing to struggle with her scrub pants. After a moment, Cassian could tell that Jyn knew he was up to something. It was like she could smell fear. Frantically typing out the rest of his message, he hit send right as Jyn whipped towards him.
"Who'd you just text?"
"I was just checking my e-mail."
"Liar." Jyn lunged for his phone, and her pants ripped. Cassian tried his best to not laugh, but failed horribly. He ceased his mirth when tears welled up in Jyn's eyes. Walking to her, he pulled her to his chest.
"Mi querida, que es esto?" he said quietly.
Jyn sniffled. "I just… really hate feeling like this. My body doesn't feel like it used to- it feels different when I run, my boobs are sore all the time, and now my clothing doesn't fit. I've worn the same size since high school! I feel disgusting and unattractive, like I'm a stranger in this skin."
Cassian wasn't sure how to respond. Comforting others was not his strong suit. He tangled his fingers in her hair, and acquiesced, "You can wear my scrubs today. I'll get them out of my drawer for you."
In addition to the changes to Jyn's body, their lives together were changing as well. In the past month since finding out Jyn was pregnant, their daily routines had begun to wind together. Cassian smiled at the memory of Jyn offering him a drawer in her dresser two weeks ago.
"Don't make more of this than what it is," she had said firmly.
Despite her warning, Cassian couldn't help but feel enthralled at the prospect of her letting him have a small space of his own in her apartment. Jyn's walls were coming down. He saw them crumble in small gestures week-to-week.
Laying on the couch, she would place his palm on her stomach.
When she asked him to stay in the bed with her last week while feeling especially nauseous.
Getting a toothbrush for him at the grocery store.
These moments made Cassian hopeful that he could have a life with Jyn, a family.
He was stirred from his thoughts by Jyn disentangling herself from their embrace. Releasing her, Cassian went to "his" drawer- the only one neatly organized in the entire dresser. Jyn preferred to pull whatever she could find from the laundry basket.
Grabbing a set of mint green scrubs, he tossed them on the bed. He made a quick exit as Jyn undressed, trying not to think of the gentle swell of her bare stomach while he brushed his teeth.
That evening, Cassian made them avocado and tomato quesadillas for supper. He smiled as he watched Jyn scarf down three quesadillas.
"Hungry?"
Looking back at him, her eyes narrowed. "I'm eating for three now."
Putting his hands up in protest, Cassian grinned. "Hey, I wasn't judging. I'm just happy that you finally have your appetite back."
Once Jyn had eaten her fill, they went to the couch to watch a movie. Jyn plopped down, putting her head in Cassian's lap. Taking his hand in hers, she placed his open palm against her stomach. He ran his hand up and down over the fabric of his scrub top, and kept shifting his lap underneath Jyn's head.
"Cassian… stop moving around so much, just sit still," she whined.
Cassian abruptly moved out from under her and stood up, looking tense.
"Did I do something wrong?" she asked, worried.
Cassian shook his head, jawline set tightly. "I'm going to go take a shower."
Jyn watched as he left the room, confused by his behavior. After a few moments had passed, she settled back into the couch. Of course, once she had gotten comfortable, Jyn started feeling hungry again. Her constant nausea had now been replaced by an insatiable desire for food. Cassian- who had been reading every pregnancy book he could find- said this was to be expected. When the grumbling of her stomach became difficult to ignore, she made her way towards the kitchen. She kept her freezer well-stocked with pints of Cherry Garcia now.
As she passed the bathroom, she paused for a moment. First, she heard the water running, but underneath that was the sound of Cassian gasping. She nearly knocked on the door to ask if he was alright, but then she heard him cry out, and moan her name. She felt herself growing wet as she listened. Suddenly, the water cut off, and Jyn heard the shower curtain pull back. She scurried away from the door, not wanting to be caught.
Biting her lip, she went to the kitchen and grabbed her ice cream and a spoon. Once returned to the couch, Jyn absently ate her ice cream, thighs pressed tightly together.
The following morning, Jyn found herself waiting outside the office of Dr. Mon Mothma. Mon was the head of pediatric oncology in the hospital, and a long-time mentor to Jyn. She had found Jyn as an apathetic, rebellious undergraduate. Jyn was still amazed at how patiently Mon had worked alongside her, helping her to find a passion she didn't know she had.
Mon opened the door to her office, greeting Jyn warmly and gesturing her in.
As she sat down at the desk, Mon smiled at Jyn in her typical, serene manner.
"What brings you in here today, Jyn? I continue to hear nothing but great things about you from your patients."
Jyn took a deep breath, fidgeting her hands in her lap. She had laid restlessly in bed the previous night, debating how to have this discussion with Mon Mothma. She was worried that Mon would be disappointed in yet another impulsive decision on Jyn's part. Mon had spent more than enough time over the years resolving those situations for her. Ultimately, she decided to take the classic Jyn Erso approach- shoot from the hips.
"I'm pregnant."
When Jyn looked back up, Mon appeared completely unperturbed. It would be infuriating if her presence wasn't so soothing.
"Congratulations. How far along are you?"
"A little over 12 weeks." When Mon didn't respond, Jyn rushed out, "I would have told you sooner, but…"
"You were worried about miscarriage."
Jyn nodded. Mon took Jyn's hand in her own, and affirmed, "I am very happy for you, Jyn. And very proud of you. This is a big step, after all you have been through."
Jyn glanced up at Mon, and attempted a wobbly smile past the tears filling up her eyes. Mon had met Jyn at a difficult time in her life- Jyn was angry and resentful at everyone in the world. "Trust" may as well have been a four letter word. She still remembered the time that she stormed into Mon Mothma's office, furiously declaring that she was going to get her tubes tied in order to prevent her from "subjecting a child to the hellish world we live in." Mon Mothma had sat her down, made her a cup of tea, and had gently coaxed Jyn into discussing the root of her fears. Jyn had found herself crying in Mon's office that afternoon- one of the children she read stories to during her volunteer hours at the hospital had passed away that morning, and it left her absolutely gutted. Before Jyn had left Mon's office that day, the older woman had told Jyn that while she believed in every woman's right to reproductive choice, Jyn shouldn't make such a decision too lightly. And here Jyn was today, burgeoning with new life in her mentor's office.
"I'm excited, but I'm scared. What kind of mother will I be? You know what my life has been like."
Mon looked at Jyn thoughtfully. "You will be a strong mother, one who knows when to protect her children, and when to let them go. You will be firm, because even though you never have been one for rules, you want your children to be safe. You will never be the PTA mom baking thousands of cookies for bake sales, but your children will have something better- a mother who has an irrepressible passion for life, and a strong moral compass. In short, Jyn- you will be a great mother." Squeezing Jyn's hand, she inquired, "Who is the father?"
Jyn flushed bright red. "Well, that was the other thing I came here to tell you.."
Mon closed her eyes, and Jyn could almost hear the yoga mantras that were probably passing through her mind.
"The father is Cassian Andor."
Mon looked genuinely surprised. "I didn't know that you were seeing each other."
"We weren't…aren't. This was a bit of an accident."
"How does he feel about this development?"
Jyn beamed genuinely. "He's excited- more excited than me, I think. He's been reading every book he can find, doing research on the best cribs and car seats already."
Mon chuckled. "I wouldn't expect any less from him."
"Leia puts my due date in mid-November, so I wanted to come and talk about maternity leave with you."
Mon nodded, and pulled up a plethora of information and HR contacts for Jyn on her computer.
"Jyn, I promise, we won't stay for more than two hours."
Jyn groaned dramatically, and pulled the comforter over her head. She heard Cassian hiss, "This is a lost cause" before leaving the bedroom. Suddenly, the comforter was cruelly ripped from her body.
"Bodhi," she protested. "It's Saturday. I just want to stay in bed all day, I'm tired."
Her previous statement was disproven when she quickly flipped over and kicked Bodhi as he tried to pull the sheet off her.
Rubbing his arm, Bodhi spluttered, "Jyn, you cannot keep wearing Cassian's scrubs for the next seven months."
"Why not?" She raised an eyebrow challengingly.
"Cassian is too nice to say it, but I'm not. You will be too big for his scrubs soon. You need to get some maternity clothes."
Jyn glared at Bodhi. "Fine. I'll go with you. But as soon as we hit the two-hour mark, we are leaving. You wouldn't want to be responsible for over-exerting me in my current condition, right?"
Bodhi snorted. "You run two miles almost every morning still. I think you'll be fine."
So Jyn found herself sitting in the passenger seat of Leia's car, riding out to the mall with her two closest friends. She couldn't even remember the last time she had gone to the mall. Her general policy on shopping was that if she couldn't buy it on Amazon, it wasn't worth buying.
Leia, of course, had a full plan of attack for shopping that day. "Let's start with underwear," she announced excitedly. "We need to get you bigger bras!"
Leia rushed through the department store underwear section, tossing bras at Jyn and Bodhi as she went. Finally, she stopped in front of a lingerie display.
"Cassian would probably like something like this," she remarked, fingering a silky blue negligee.
Jyn rolled her eyes. "Cassian and I aren't fucking, so I don't need to worry about what he does or doesn't like."
Leia raised her eyebrows. "Don't tell me that you haven't thought about it. All that time you all spend together, alone, at your places?"
Jyn flushed, not having a response to that. As of late, she had spent more time than was strictly appropriate thinking about sex with Cassian. Now that she didn't feel nauseous every waking moment, she had become increasingly aware of the changes taking place in her body. While she didn't enjoy some of them, she had noticed how sensitive her breasts were. Her clit felt like it was constantly swollen, and Jyn's thoughts had consistently strayed to various scenarios of how Cassian could relieve it for her.
"Why don't you just get one lingerie set… in case you find yourself in the mood?" Bodhi prompted.
Jyn acquiesced with a slight dip of her head towards Leia. A few minutes later, Leia returned triumphant, holding up a matching bra and panty set. Black and lacy, it wasn't overstated, and didn't look like a medieval torture device.
"That'll do," she muttered.
From there, they went to a maternity clothing store. The perky young attendant seemed bent on making Jyn's life miserable.
"Hi! My name's Stacy. What apparel do you need for this magical time in your life?" she chirped obnoxiously.
Leia smoothly interjected before Jyn could say something snarky. "My friend here is expecting twins in November, so she was hoping to get some maternity clothing. Something simple."
Stacy squealed upon hearing the word "twins". Jyn cringed, and suddenly wished that she could have a very large glass of wine. Recognizing her annoyance, Bodhi hustled her to the dressing room, telling Leia to just bring items back there to them.
True to his word, Bodhi got Jyn out of the mall before the two hours was up, although Leia insisted that they would be taking more trips to the mall in the future.
That evening, Jyn was alone at her apartment. Cassian was at a continuing education lecture with Kay, and wouldn't be back until later that night. It was the first night in a while where Cassian hadn't been with her, and Jyn was painfully aware of how much she missed his presence.
As she heated up a quesadilla in the microwave, her eyes kept straying back to the bag of underwear from the mall. Jyn grabbed the bag and went to her bedroom. As she slipped on the lingerie set Leia had picked out, she looked at her body in the mirror. She felt so different. Her stomach wasn't yet big enough to truly look "pregnant". She thought it looked more like she'd had too many tacos for dinner. She nervously played with the strap of her bra.
How would Cassian receive it if she came onto him? She didn't want him to get the wrong idea- she had an itch, and simply wanted him to scratch it. She had tried masturbating in the shower, and had finally acknowledged that it wasn't enough to satiate her sexual appetite. Cassian was conveniently available, ridiculously nice, and insanely attractive. And she would feel very odd having sex with someone besides him while pregnant with his baby. Biting her lip, she resolutely put her sweatpants and t-shirt back on, and curled up on the couch, waiting for Cassian to get back.
Cassian arrived home late that evening to find Jyn watching Fawlty Towers on the television and giggling. Settling down next to her on the couch, he felt his body relax as she leaned back and laid her head in his lap. Slipping into their familiar routine, Jyn took his hand and placed it on her belly.
After a moment though, Cassian felt a difference in the air between them. While Jyn had not looked at him yet, she hitched her breath when his fingers played with the hem of her shirt. She tentatively guided his hand up under her shirt, placing his palm against the smooth skin of her stomach. Cassian rubbed his hand up and down along the swell of her abdomen, and felt himself getting hard. The idea of Jyn carrying his children inside of her was so incredibly erotic to him- he became a mess every time he thought of it.
He was stirred from his thoughts when he felt Jyn's eyes on him. Looking down at her, he held eye contact as he deliberately moved his hand further up her abdomen, towards her breasts. Cassian watched her face carefully, searching for any sign that she didn't want this. When he slipped his hand up to cup underneath her breast, Jyn nodded at him, arching into his touch.
As he slipped his hand into the cup of her bra, she shifted her hips, breathing out, "Cassian". Cassian groaned as her head shifted in his lap. Jyn suddenly sat up, and before Cassian could ask if he had done something wrong, she had pulled her shirt off. Leaning into him, she sealed off any further questions from him with a forceful kiss.
Cassian's lips tasted so good, felt incredible against hers. Jyn shifted to the side so that she was straddling his lap, and panted as she ground her hips against his hardness. Cassian leaned his head back against the couch and groaned. When he opened his eyes and looked at her, his gaze widened as he took in the bra she was wearing.
"This is new," he murmured, voice rolling thick and heavy off his tongue.
"I got it for you," she murmured back, blushing.
Cassian took her into his arms then, kissing her across her collarbones, nipping at her neck, pulling her lower lip lightly between his teeth. Jyn sighed, letting herself relax into his touch, overwhelmed by the litany of sensations coursing through her body. She felt so sensitive, everything was heightened. When he slipped his hand into the cup of her bra to circle her nipple with his thumb, Jyn hissed. Cassian pulled back, looking worried.
"No, it.. it feels good. Just a bit more gentle. I'm more sensitive than I was before," she quietly assured him.
Nodding, Cassian moved his hand back to her breast, this time touching them more lightly. He reached behind her, removing her bra, before leaning forward to gently run his tongue along the pink tips of her breasts. Jyn rocked her hips against him, needing more pressure, more intensity than what she was getting. Cassian seemed to understand, and slipped his hand into the waistband of her sweatpants. Cupping her womanhood firmly, he rubbed the heel of his hand in slow circles- raising her arousal even higher, but not enough for her to get off. Thrusting her hips into his palm in response, they formed a rhythm- Cassian massaging her, kissing her all over her exposed torso, his free hand splayed possessively along the middle of her back.
Cassian pulled his hand back out of her panties then, and spread Jyn out on the couch. Helping her slip her sweatpants off, he moaned when he looked up and saw her unfurled before him. Jyn had almost felt self-conscious, prone on the couch. With the desire on his countenance now, she knew that there was no need for that. She was caught off guard, gasping as Cassian buried his face into her, inhaling the scent of her arousal deeply. She watched as his eyes darkened in response. Leaning back on his heels, he started slipping her panties off. Jyn grabbed his wrist, and reached for the belt on his trousers before he could continue. She helped him pull his pants off, sighing as she felt the firmness of his slim hips. Knotting his fingers into her hair, Cassian kissed her with more fervor, and leaned her back onto the couch. Jyn worked the buttons of his shirt open, awkwardly trying to slip it off him while maintaining contact with his warm body. She moaned as he pressed against her, grinding himself filthily into her cunt.
Gasping, he pulled back. "I want it to be good for you, Jyn."
Pushing her hips back into his insistently, she whined, "It's already good for me." As if to prove it to him, she took his hand in hers, guided it into her wetness. She felt a thrill run through her body when Cassian shuddered above her.
"Chingado," he moaned.
Jyn huffed when he withdrew his body from hers, sensitive to the cool air hitting her naked skin. Her protestations ceased when she felt his mouth on her. He swirled his tongue around her clit, giving just the right amount of pressure and movement. She propped herself up on her elbows, wanting to watch. When his deep brown eyes met hers, she felt like she might come right then. Cassian soughed, the vibrations pushing her closer. She cried out in pleasure when he slipped one, then two fingers inside of her, crooking them just right as if to beckon her over the edge. As she thrust her hips against his fingers, Cassian slipped a hand under her ass, and gently rocked her pelvis against his face. Jyn forgot how to breathe for a moment. Looking down at Cassian again, she watched as his eyes closed, his hips thrusting against the fabric of her couch, his breath coming in short bursts through his nostrils, and she could feel him inside her, touching her on that spot….
Everything went white for Jyn, her body shaking and trembling as she came apart under Cassian's mouth, back arching like a taut bow into his touch. She heard a wailing noise, and vaguely acknowledged that it was her crying out in pleasure. It had never been this intense, this good for her before. She shoved her fingers into Cassian's hair, heard him moan and cry out her name as he continued to move his fingers inside her.
"Yes, Jyn…that's it, let go. Just come for me," he urged.
As she slowly came down from her apex, Cassian stroked the insides of her thighs lazily. Kissing her once more between her legs, he came back up to her face. She could smell herself on his breath as she pulled him in for a searing kiss. Bucking her hips against his, she was surprised when his boxers felt damp.
"Did you…?" she inquired, nervous to finish the sentence.
Casting his eyes away, Cassian blushed and nodded, not able to get the words out.
Cassian was mortified. He came in his boxers without even being touched. He felt like he was 14 years old again, going to "second base" with a girl for the first time.
He felt Jyn shift from underneath him, and settle between his knees.
"Jyn, I'm sorry," he blurted out.
"Don't be," she purred. "I think it's sexy."
With that, she pulled his boxers down, and he hissed as the cool air hit his cock, not yet dry. Jyn wrapped her hand around him then, and a curse fell from his lips.
"I'm not sure if I'm ready yet," he cautioned.
Jyn simply hummed in response. He let out a shuddering breath as she began to lap around him, running her tongue up and down his cock, taking his cum into her mouth. Running her tongue over the slit of his head, he jerked his hips up involuntarily, and cried out as more semen spilled from him, hot and slick. Jyn continued her maddeningly calm routine, simply taking him in her mouth and swallowing.
Licking the tip of her finger and swiping it through her wetness, she slid her hand underneath his ass, and his eyes widened as she rubbed at the ring of muscle there.
"Is this alright with you?" she murmured, moving her finger maddeningly slowly against him.
Cassian shakily nodded. He had never done this before, but fuck, it felt so good. And refractory period be damned, he could feel himself growing erect once more. Jyn took him into her mouth, gently pulling back the hood of his cock to expose the tender flesh underneath. Pulling the excess skin tight, she bobbed her head up and down on him, pushing her tongue firmly along the base. It felt so good, and Cassian could already feel himself getting close to the edge, he had never come twice this close together, but Jyn would be the one to make it happen…
Before he could finish, he pulled Jyn off him. "Bed" he forced out.
She nodded, and he didn't think he had ever seen anything as sexy as a completely naked Jyn strutting towards the bedroom. Before Jyn laid down on the bed, Cassian put his hand out and stopped her.
"Turn to the side."
Jyn cocked her head curiously, but complied with his instructions. Taking in her full form, Cassian felt a warmth envelope his chest as he looked at the swell of her stomach in profile. Walking to Jyn, he sank to his knees in front of her, pressing his lips to her stomach and rubbing his hands up and down her sides. Looking down at him, she firmly gripped his shoulder, pushing him back to lay out across the floor in front of the bed.
Jyn's heart was in her mouth as she straddled Cassian's hips. The emotions swirling through his eyes were so intense, it was simultaneously difficult to look at but impossible to tear her gaze away. Running her hand across his sharp jaw, she took his cock in her hand and let out a low groan as she settled onto his girth. Cassian's body arched ever so slightly to her in response.
Stroking her hands along the planes of his chest, she observed how beautiful he was in the throes of passion. Everything had been so fast and intense the last time they had sex, she hadn't really appreciated him. Now, she watched as his eyes widened with every shift of her hips, how his jaw tensed and clenched when she let out a breathy sigh. She felt the stubble of his face scratch against her palm when he leaned into her caress. He reached out and planted his open hand onto her stomach, in the place they both knew was now growing two lives.
Jyn slowed her pace to a teasing grind, alternating gentle shifts of her hips with firm clenches of her inner muscles around his cock. Cassian leaned his head back, throatily groaned out her name. As she picked up her pace again, he quaked with pleasure, babbling words spilling out from his mouth. He thanked her, thanked her for this, thanked her for the babies, thanked her for everything, and he slipped his hand between them, rubbing her clit firmly.
Suddenly sitting up, he pulled Jyn closer so that their chests were flush with one another, and he continued stroking her with his face pressed to her neck.
"Nadie me lo das como tú," he gasped.
"Cassian, I'm close," she broke out.
"What do you need?" he questioned.
"I need you, I need to feel you deeper," she choked out between thrusts.
"Get on your hands and knees," he instructed. Jyn scrambled to comply, and Cassian swiftly pushed himself back into her. She exclaimed as he filled her. Cassian ran his fingers down her spine, gently stroking along it. When her arms were trembling and she begged, he slipped his hand back between her legs to tease at the bundle of nerves there. Jyn began to shake with greater intensity, and Cassian tilted his hips very slightly so that he was hitting her right on the distinct patch of tissue inside her walls. Crying out in earnest, Jyn's hands scrabbled at the floor for purchase. Cassian pulled her to him so her back was against his chest, and hissed in her ear, "Voy a venir, Jyn." As he thrust into her, he plucked at her sensitive nipples with his free hand, and she came apart around him. Her head fell back onto his shoulder as she cried out his name, and he felt himself coming as her walls milked out his seed. Slumping backwards onto the cool wood floor, Cassian wrapped an arm around Jyn, reveling in the feeling of her weight on his body. He idly ran his fingers across her back, feeling the bump as his finger crossed each vertebra, counting out formulas in his head subconsciously even now, in this post-coital bliss.
Jyn snickered, and he glanced down at her, eyebrow raised.
"Complaints?" he jested.
"I saw your lips move… you were counting out my vertebral formula."
Blushing, Cassian apologized. "Force of habit."
He felt a twitch against his stomach, and noticed that Jyn was shivering. Reluctantly rising to his feet, he held out a hand to her, helping her up.
As they settled in under the comforter on her bed, they fell into a comfortable silence. Jyn was pressed up against his side, Cassian had his nose buried in her hair, taking in the aroma of her shampoo. Finally, Jyn's voice broke into the quiet.
"Why did you leave Mexico?"
Cassian took a sharp breath. He rarely talked about his childhood in Mexico, or the difficult journey to the U.S. Seeming to sense his discomfort, Jyn squeezed his hand. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
Cassian shook his head, mentally preparing himself to share a rarely-told story. "My parents died when I was six years old. We lived in Chiapas, but when the earthquake hit in 1985, Mamá and Papá went to Mexico City to volunteer to help find survivors and treat victims. Mamá was a nurse, and Papá was a doctor." He paused, feeling Jyn's wide eyes watching him as he gathered his thoughts.
"Mamá and Papá left me home with my Tía Alicia and her husband. They were going into a building to help some children who were trapped when the building collapsed on them."
Jyn tensed beside him, held his hand tighter. She pressed her face into his shoulder, unable to find the words to express her sorrow.
Hesitantly, Cassian continued. "After that, Alicia and Jose raised me with their children in Chiapas. Jose was a coffee farmer, but he also had strong political leanings. When we were kids, mis primos and I were dragged to many political protests. As we got older, the protests against the policies of the PRI got more violent. By the time I was 14, I was being trained in guerilla tactics by Jose and some of his friends. In 1994, when the Zapatista Rebellion broke out, I went to Las Margaritas with Jose. Jose was killed in the fighting, and mi primo Mateo was killed as well. Mateo was only 15, and I tried to save him. I pulled him back into the jungle with me, but…" His voice broke, and he was unable to continue.
Jyn assured him, "You couldn't have known how to save him, it isn't your fault." Her lip wobbled as the soothing words slipped from her mouth. He had been so young, and even with the broken childhood she had, she could not imagine experiencing so much trauma so young.
He flipped over to her, violently enough that Jyn jerked away. Pain and anger flashed in his eyes. "I killed people that day, Jyn. Soldiers rushed at me, and I just shot at them, I didn't know what else to do." His shoulders shook with the admission, and Jyn felt her heart breaking. Sitting up, she slowly reached out her hand, hesitant to touch the feral creature that had been unleashed. Cassian wouldn't look at her, and she felt an ache deep in her throat at the brief consideration of where his thoughts might be.
"Cassian," she croaked out. Trembling fingers threaded into his dark locks. She guided his head into her lap, knowing the intimacy of eye contact would be too much in this vulnerable moment.
He buried his face into her stomach, eyes closed tightly. "What kind of man does that make me? What kind of father?"
"You were a boy, Cassian. They were your family. You didn't know better. You trusted them, thought that they were doing what was best for you."
Cassian shook his head firmly. "I went back, but no one was there. I wanted to find Mateo, to bury him, but fires had been started in the town and the forest was too filled with smoke for me to return."
"After that, I lived on my own. I worked, and I went to school. I studied hard, and I got a scholarship to University of Texas at Austin. I got certified as a CNA and worked in the hospital all through undergraduate. When I got accepted to medical school, it felt like I had finally escaped everything that happened in Mexico. I try not to think about it too often. It's too painful."
Jyn had wondered before what caused Cassian's nightmares- he would often cry out in his sleep, or suddenly sit up in bed in a cold sweat. Now she understood.
He ran his hand over her stomach. "I never want our children to experience what I had to growing up. I never want them to feel unsafe or unsure of their future."
"I think that every parent wants that, Cassian. That's what frightens me most about becoming a mother."
He rolled over then, looked up at her with a question in his eyes. She responded slowly, carefully.
"I'm not sure that I can ever promise that to them. From what I've seen, promises that parents make their children often turn out to be fairy tales."
Tears slipped down her cheeks. Cassian gently wiped them away. She noticed that he didn't disagree with her, and that knowledge lodged in her chest like a rock. Would the damage they carried from their past make them better parents? Or would it cripple them?
Pressing his hand firmly to the spot where the babies were, Cassian asked, "What names do you like?"
Jyn knew he was trying to change the subject, and was grateful for it in that moment. She had never been particularly good at talking about feelings, and she wasn't sure what benefit hashing out all her fears would have.
"I haven't really thought about names, to be honest."
Cassian hummed thoughtfully. "What were your parents' names?"
She cast her eyes away from him. "I don't want to name the children after my parents. I don't need a constant reminder of what I've lost."
Cassian squeezed her hand, backing away from that suggestion. "Perhaps we could use the name Mateo? If one is a boy?"
Lacing her fingers with his over her bump, Jyn nodded. At that, she yawned. Cassian leaned over her, turning off the bedside lamp. Cassian pulled her tightly to his body, and she fell asleep with him spooned against her.