Chapter 9

As she laid out on the couch, tears silently rolling down her face, with an ache in her belly and her ankle, all Jyn felt was regret. In retrospect, Cassian was probably right.

Jyn had rolled out of bed that morning, determined to go for a run. Cassian had reached out for her, tenderly kissing her neck, urging her to stay in bed with him. Jyn was briefly tempted, but ultimately got out of bed and pulled on some leggings and a t-shirt.

As she started off her run, with the rhythm of her feet on the pavement, she sank into her thoughts. Since she had opened up to Cassian about her parents, there had been a shift in their relationship- Jyn had felt her walls come down. Simultaneously, her feelings for Cassian had grown to the point that she could no longer deny them. She had come to relish his kisses in the morning, the thoughtfully prepared dinners he made, how he always knew when to listen and when to speak. Jyn had settled into life with Cassian with a comfort she had never anticipated.

There was only one problem. Jyn didn't know how Cassian felt about her. While they had passionate sex, difficult conversations, and spent most every night together, Cassian hadn't actually indicated that he had romantic feelings for her. Jyn did not want to be the first to admit weakness. So instead they were left in an awkward standoff, neither wanting to let down their defenses completely. All that led to events like what happened last night.

Cassian was doing dishes at the sink, having urged Jyn to sit down and rest her feet. Jyn leered at him from her seat at the granite island, enjoying the view from behind.

"I could get used to this… you cooking dinner every night, doing the dishes after. I might keep you around."

Cassian's spine stiffened like a string pulled taut. "Could you?" he asked hesitantly.

Observing the shift in his body language, Jyn's heart snapped shut, a rabbit trap clamping down before ensnaring its prey. They were silent after that.

Despite their reticence to speak the previous evening, they still ended up having sex. Jyn shook her head from frustration. She hated that she couldn't just take off, feet pounding with a desire to feel free. Even if she ignored her better judgment, she physically couldn't run that hard anymore. Jyn was constantly out of breath, the weight of the babies pushing up against her diaphragm with every step. The twins were also moving more insistently inside her now, and whenever Jyn ran, they enjoyed doing kickboxing practice against her kidneys.

So absorbed was she in her thoughts, Jyn didn't notice the pothole in front of her… until she caught her foot in it and fell, ankle twisting as she did. Her reflexes were fast, and she caught herself on her hands to break the fall, but she cried out at the sharp pain in her ankle. Jyn hissed out five different curses as she gingerly rolled herself into a seated position. Of course, other runners on the trail were already rushing to her.

"Are you okay?! Should I call an ambulance?"

"Can you walk?"

"Should you even be running like this in your condition?"

The last question poked the bear in Jyn. Growling irritably, she snapped, "I'm fine, thanks. And I'll run whenever I damn well want to." Glaring at the other runners until they went on their way, Jyn waited to push herself to her feet. She'd never admit weakness to strangers, but her ankle was hurting like a bitch. As she lurched forward, she felt a little nauseous, pain lancing up and down her leg. It was only a quarter mile back to her apartment. She could make it.

Cassian was already up making tea and scrambled eggs for Jyn when the door burst open, Jyn panting.

"Hey, that was a quick run!" he called out from the kitchen.

"I ran into a little trouble," she gasped out tightly.

Brow furrowed, Cassian recognized immediately from her voice that something was wrong. Turning off the stove, he quickly moved to the hallway, only to see Jyn limping towards the living room.

"What happened?"

Jyn waved her hand dismissively. "I tripped and fell in a pothole on the trail. I'm fine."

Cassian felt his heart leap into his mouth, but he kept his face smoothly composed. Letting his ER physician demeanor take over, he walked over to Jyn, lifting her up into his arms. Jyn vaguely kicked her feet in protest, but wrapped her arms around his neck all the same.

Setting her down on the couch, he murmured, "Did you fall onto your abdomen?"

Jyn vehemently shook her head. "No, I broke my fall- I knew I needed to-"

Her voice broke, and Cassian saw a brief hint of fear in her eyes. Squeezing her hand, he reassured, "It's going to be okay, Jyn. Is anything hurting?"

She nodded. "I'm pretty sure I twisted my ankle, but I don't think it's broken. And I cut my hand when I broke my fall."

Running his hands lightly along her ankle, he palpated the joint. He didn't detect any crepitus, but there was some significant inflammation.

"It's not broken, but you do need to ice it." Cassian gently lifted her leg, propping up her foot on some pillows. Going back towards the kitchen to get some ice, he dropped the cubes when he heard Jyn cry out loudly. Running to the living room, he sped to her side when he saw her bent forward, clutching her abdomen and puffing out breaths.

"I'm… I'm cramping." she gasped out.

Cassian's throat ached. He knew what this could mean. Swallowing back his fear, he queried, "Have you been bleeding today?"

Jyn nodded, and Cassian's chest tightened as tears welled in her eyes. "There were a couple of drops of blood on the sheets this morning… I didn't think it was a big deal." Her lip trembled, and Cassian took her face in his hands. Pressing his lips to her brow, he comforted, "It's okay, Jyn. It's okay. We're going to the hospital. Let's go. It's going to be alright. A few drops doesn't mean…"

Jyn's hand flew out, grasped his wrist, almost sinking her nails in to stop him before he could finish his sentence. "Don't say it," she begged quietly.

Nodding shortly, he gathered her in his arms. He felt like he was moving on auto-pilot as he carried Jyn out to his car, got her settled in the passenger seat. His mind was racing with thoughts, but he needed to mute his own panic. He couldn't- wouldn't- distress Jyn any further. Despite his attempts to steady his breathing, his knuckles were white against the steering wheel and his hands trembled as he drove them to the ER. Occasionally he would glance at Jyn. Her gaze was firmly set ahead, and he noticed how her fingernails were biting into her palms.

When they arrived at the hospital, a nurse in triage rushed them straight back. Cassian helped Jyn dress into a gown and lay down on the bed. She looked small, and for the first time, Jyn looked fragile. Cassian sat in the chair beside the bed, rested his face in his hands.

"Do you feel them?" he asked.

Jyn nodded, looking straight ahead, lip trembling.

Cassian attempted to lace his fingers with hers, but Jyn withdrew from him swiftly. He tried not to dwell on how much it hurt. He released a strangled exhale. The minutes bled together, and he lost track of time- something he rarely allowed to happen. Finally, an ultrasound technician blessedly arrived. She pushed Jyn's bed out to radiology, and Cassian followed a short distance behind. He forced one foot in front of the other, simultaneously anticipating and dreading what he would see next.

The ultrasound tech- Marla- quickly pulled up the front of Jyn's gown, and Cassian noticed Jyn's wince as the cool air hit her bare legs and thighs. He gently tucked the blanket up under her stomach, and rested his hand on the edge of the bed. Jyn watched him furtively, and he almost couldn't look at her. He was in love with Jyn- had admitted it to himself weeks ago- but in moments like this he almost hated her, hated how it felt like she would take every last drop from him before releasing him back out into a world without her. He flexed his fingers, nearly reached for her, stopped himself as she jerked away impulsively.

Marla was impervious to the tension in the room, and Cassian didn't realize that she had started the ultrasound until he heard exactly what he needed- two heartbeats, beating strong, in sync. Looking up at the ultrasound, he watched as his babies kicked their feet, wiggled around. He dragged his eyes away from the ultrasound screen to check on Jyn. She was trembling, and tears started leaking from the corners of her eyes.

"Are they okay?" she croaked.

Marla looked at Jyn kindly. "The OB/GYN on call will need to look to make sure, but everything seems normal to me."

Jyn exhaled shakily, sinking a little into the bed. Marla stepped out to get the doctor, and Cassian leaned back into his chair, running a hand tiredly down his face. He glanced at his watch. Only 11 AM. How could he be so tired already- he felt like he had been awake for 24 hours. He closed his eyes, just to rest them for a minute….

Jyn watched Cassian sleep. He was vulnerable- head tilted back, throat exposed, body lax with exhaustion. She had nearly made the same mistake this morning. She had come home to Cassian, let herself be exposed, let herself trust him- and then this scare with the babies occurred. It was as if the universe was tugging at her pant leg, telling her that nothing good can come from exposing your weak spots.

She was still shaking from panic. She had frenetically discerned Cassian's tension earlier- he tried his best to keep it all under his neutral veneer, but she could feel his alarm piercing the air between them. They had come so close to losing it all. Jyn didn't know what frightened her more- no longer having the babies that she desperately wanted, or that Cassian wouldn't have a reason to stay if she miscarried. Her fingers dug into the thin sheet under her body, and she gasped as it tore under her clenched digits. Her mind buzzed frantically, her thoughts couldn't slow down. Notions of life without the babies, without Cassian, without any of this whirred too quickly for her to catch hold of one and squash it. She tried to tell herself that everything would be alright, but her mind screamed back at her,

"You don't know that. Nobody knows that."

Jyn felt nauseous, and didn't realize that she was retching until Cassian appeared at her side, grabbing a kidney dish from the bedside table. As she dry-heaved into the bowl, she could vaguely hear him speaking, but couldn't piece the words together. Finally, gasping, she fell back with a thud. She closed her eyes in resignation when Cassian walked over with a cloth, tenderly wiped away the traces of her indiscretion. She felt the weight of his palm against her face, too warm, too gentle.

"Jyn, Jyn, it's alright. We're all alright."

Jyn planted her gaze to the far wall, refused to be seen in that moment. She stiffened at Cassian's hand on her shoulder.

The doctor came into the room.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Sobchak. I know that y'all want to get home- you had an eventful morning. I'll keep this quick. How are you feeling now, Dr. Erso?"

Jyn mumbled, "I'm fine."

Cassian hissed. "She just threw up, I don't think she's fine."

Dr. Sobchak chuckled, seemingly oblivious of the brewing storm in front of him. "Well, some nausea is to be expected. Based on the assessment by the residents and the symptoms you reported, you are having Braxton-Hicks contractions. A little early, but since you are having twins it's not entirely unexpected."

"And the bleeding?" Cassian demanded.

"When was the last time you had sex?" Dr. Sobchak asked.

Cassian turned bright red at that. When he didn't answer, Jyn rolled her eyes and responded, "We had sex last night."

The doctor smirked. Jyn was really starting to hate him. "Well, it's fairly normal for some spotting to occur after pregnant women have sex. I don't think the amount of bleeding you reported is anything to be concerned about, but if the bleeding increases in volume or frequency, go back to your regular OB/GYN for a re-check."

"As for your Braxton-Hicks contractions, it would be good for you to reduce the intensity of your exercise. Braxton-Hicks contractions are often aggravated by exercise, sex, and certain foods. The nurse can give you a list of foods to avoid, but in terms of activities- perhaps be a bit less vigorous when going out for runs, and doing… other things."

Jyn huffed, restraining herself from decking the arrogant physician in the face. She observed how Cassian's jaw tightened.

"Go to your OB/GYN for a check on Monday, but in the meantime- you are clear to go home."

Cassian nodded shortly, not bothering to thank the doctor. Jyn pointedly stared at the ceiling until the stocky man left their room. Cassian was quiet as he reviewed the discharge papers with the nurse. After the nurse left the room, Cassian broke the silence.

"Jyn, I want you to keep doing the things you love, but you have to be more careful. You have people beyond yourself to think of now."

Jyn clenched her jaw, grinding her molars together in fury. He wanted to tell her how to care for her body? For the children she was growing inside her?

"Get out."

Cassian shifted back on his heels, startled. Staring at her with wide eyes, he started, "Jyn-"

"No, Cassian. I'm not some fucking vessel for these babies, I'm not fragile, stop treating me like I am. It's pretty goddamn clear that you are more worried about these babies than you are about me or how I feel about anything. So get. The fuck. Out."

Cassian's whole body was ramrod straight, his shoulders tight and guarded. His brown eyes had shuttered, but his anger was evident in the turn of his lips. He opened his mouth once- twice, and hissed out, "Por qué estas como este?" before stomping out of the room, snapping the curtain shut behind him.

In the reverberating silence that remained, Jyn felt empty. She had poured out everything that was filling her into the words she threw at Cassian. With a spark of irritation, she realized that she couldn't get home without a ride. Heavily sighing out fumes of exhaustion and heartbreak, she pulled out her phone and called a cab.

That evening, Jyn tried to position herself comfortably on the couch, getting her ankle propped up. Her anger had receded as quickly as it had flared, and she was left with a strong desire to have Cassian there with her. She was in pain, and the stress of the day hadn't left her body. She didn't need him there with her, but she wanted him there. In her younger years, the people she had wanted had also been people she had needed. When those she needed continued to leave her, she had stopped needing or wanting others. Now, she could take care of herself, and she had spent enough time with herself to discern need from want. What she felt for Cassian was so much stronger than a need.

As she drifted through her ruminations, trying to ignore the throbbing in her ankle, she heard the front door unlock. Her heart skipped, knowing it could only be one person. As Cassian's lanky body emerged in the frame of her living room, Jyn found that she had run out of words. No snarky retorts or sarcastic defenses to be found. Cassian was the only one who could drive past her scaly exoskeleton, straight to her tender, vulnerable core. The prospect terrified and thrilled her in equal measure.

"I was angry at you earlier, Jyn," he started, then stopped, cursing quietly to himself. He was clearly struggling to choose the right things to say. Jyn couldn't help but smirk wryly. They were both so terrible at this- feeling things, caring about each other, admitting hard truths. Jyn and Cassian had spent too long in the dark, learning to keep their sentiments closely guarded from those who might hurt them. They grew into people cursed with the skill of self-preservation.

"I thought you had left," she admitted carefully. Cassian caught her gaze, and they both knew she wasn't just talking about the hospital.

"Jyn," he sighed, and she could hear the quiet torture in his voice. "I'm not leaving you."

Jyn wanted to run. She wanted to escape and never come back. This admission, this promise- Cassian could never understand the weight of it. Jyn was trouble, and everyone left her eventually. She winced as tears welled up in her eyes, and Cassian's face shifted to an expression of alarm. She looked away from him, tried to quiet the sniffles forcing themselves through her nostrils. As Cassian made his way towards her, she anticipated for him to reach for her stomach, ask about the babies, make sure that they were okay. Instead, he went to the other end of the couch, and delicately picked up her calf, resting her ankle and foot in his lap. Grabbing the ice pack that had slipped off her ankle, he gently pressed the cool balm to her joint, holding it there firmly while his thumb massaged the sole of her foot.

"Even if we didn't have them"- he pressed his palm to her stomach while looking at her significantly- "I would still want you. I would still care about you. I would still be here. I wanted you long before they were even in the picture."

Jyn laughed bitterly, "You wanted me before you really knew me."

Cassian growled with irritation, "Yes, and I know you now, in every sense of the word. The past three months have been the best months I've ever had, and it's not just because of the babies Jyn, it's because of you. I love you, and I want you in every way, all the time."

Jyn's eyes widened, her jaw dropping a little. Her heart pounded against her ribs, and she felt like it might burst out of her chest. She instinctively tried to withdraw from Cassian, but he snapped his hand out quickly, firmly taking the calf of her good leg, and looked at her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jyn. I'm staying here. I love you."

Hands shaking, Jyn refused to look at Cassian. Finally, she quietly murmured, "Say it again."

She watched as the chocolate of his eyes melted in his warm gaze. "I love you."

"Do you mean it?"

Cassian gave her a firm look, not unkind, but reminding her who he was, what they had already been through together. He cautiously crawled over the couch towards her, gently pulling her to straddle his lap while helping her to position her ankle in a way it wouldn't be uncomfortable. He looked up into her eyes tenderly, brushing the stray locks of hair out of her eyes.

"I love you. I don't expect you to say it back if you aren't ready to. But I need you to know how I feel, what I want."

"What do you want?" she murmured, teasingly grinding her hips against his. Almost hoping that she could distract him from the emotional intimacy with the promise of sex.

He groaned, putting his hands against her waist to still her. "Jyn, I want to be a family with you. Not just co-parenting, but a mother and a father who live together with their children. I want to sleep in the same bed with you every night, I want to have our kids getting in bed with us when they have nightmares, I want to have breakfast and dinner with you every day…"

Jyn pressed her lips to his then. He met her eagerly, pressing himself to her like a man starved. She pulled back, gasping.

"Okay," she assented.

Cassian smiled at her then, kissing her tenderly across her cheekbones, her jawline, down her neck. When Jyn pulled her shirt off, Cassian paused.

"The Braxton-Hicks contractions…"

"I don't give a shit what Dr. Pervert said, if I want to be fucked into the mattress by my boyfriend, goddamn it, I'm going to be as vigorous as I want."

Cassian burst out laughing then, and scooped Jyn into his arms as he swung to his feet. He set her on the bed gently, and their hands and mouths were a blur as they frantically stripped clothes from one another, wanting to feel the press of their naked bodies against each other. After they were completely bare, Cassian slid a hand lazily down to Jyn's mound, slipping his fingers between her folds.

"So wet," he murmured against her ear, lightly playing with her clitoris as she gasped with pleasure. He slipped two fingers into her, moaning when he felt how easily she took him in. Thumbing at her clit as he pumped his fingers in and out of her, he watched Jyn carefully. It was so dirty, feeling Cassian touch her like this, watching her every reaction, listening to him mutter Spanish in her ear as his thumb rolled against her clit relentlessly. When his fingers crooked invitingly against the spot that would make her come, she bucked and cried out.

"Are you this wet for me?" he asked, tapping the pads of his fingers against her swollen G-spot.

Jyn pushed her hips against his hand, trying to get him deeper, to give herself to him more fully. She could feel the hard, heavy weight of his cock against her thigh, feel the precome leaking from it in his excitement.

He slowed the thrust of his fingers, moving more shallowly within her. Biting her earlobe teasingly, he growled, "I asked if you are this wet for me."

With that, he plunged his fingers more deeply into her, and she shook with pleasure. "Yes," she gasped, "it's for you."

He moaned, pressing a biting kiss to her throat. "I can't wait to be inside you, Jyn. Do you want that?"

Jyn nodded frantically, gasping. She was in a frenzy of pleasure, unable to form a coherent thought.

"Come on, Jyn," he urged. "Let go, let me see you come. You're so fucking sexy when you come."

At that, her back arched up off the bed, and she shrieked with pleasure as Cassian continued his encouraging murmurs in her ear and the intense grinding of his thumb against her clit. Quaking with the intensity of her orgasm, she could feel her slick seeping out around Cassian's driving fingers.

As she came down, Cassian kissed her deeply, running his free hand along her cheek. "You're so beautiful."

Jyn nodded, eyes closed, pressing herself into his warmth. As he carefully slipped his fingers out of her, Jyn shivered. Cassian laid out on his back next to her, and Jyn looked over at him. She started to straddle his lap, but stopped.

He placed his hand on her arm. "Jyn, if you're too tired, it's okay. We've both had a big day, we can do this another day when you're better rested."

She felt an ache in her throat at how tender he was. What had she done to deserve this good man?

Hesitantly, shyly, she started, "No, I want to… but I was thinking we could try something a little different."

Brow furrowed, Cassian watched as Jyn rolled over to lay on her back, tucked a pillow under her hips. She laid out invitingly next to him. They had sex in many different positions previously, but Jyn had never let him be on top before. It gave away too much control, and the press of their bodies against each other in that way felt too intimate.

"Are you sure?' he asked. "I didn't think you would like this."

"Only with you," she whispered. It wasn't a love song, or poetry, but it was trust. She took Cassian into her arms, and they gasped in unison when he pressed himself into her. As he started a gentle rhythm, Jyn could feel her sensitive walls responding already, fluttering around him. Wrapping her arms behind his back, she pressed her fingertips into his shoulders. Cassian reached down and took the back of her thigh in his palm, bent her leg higher so she opened at a wider angle. Her eyes widened with pleasure at the deeper penetration, and she cried out, clinging to him more tightly. He choked out a strangled gasp, pressed his face into her neck. He placed the crook of her knee over his shoulder, then looked at her.

"Okay?" he forced out.

Jyn nodded, humming with delight. One of the bonuses of pregnancy was greatly increased flexibility in her hips. It had definitely made sex a bit more adventurous.

Cassian ground his pelvis into the cradle of her thighs, and she exclaimed at the delicious friction it created against her clit. He began to move inside her more urgently, and babbled sweet nothings in her ear as he came closer to losing control. His hand moved to her mound, fingers greedily rubbing against her labia and clit, and they both cried out when his fingers slipped in her slick to touch where they were joined.

The stimulation and the intimacy were too intense, and Jyn shook apart a second time, crying out Cassian's name and gasping in deep inhales of air as she saw stars. Cassian moaned as her walls massaged his cock, coaxing his seed to come spilling from him into her.

Cassian collapsed on his side next to her, pulling her leg to rest up on his hip.

"I love you, Jyn. So much."

"I trust you, Cassian," she murmured back.

Jyn savored the feeling of warmth and safety as Cassian pulled her into his arms. Trust was a good feeling.