A/N: A little over 2 months for an update, not too bad compared to last time! I'm still hoping to get back to monthly updates, but it might continue to be every 2 months for a little while, since I'm trying to work more on original stuff. Anyway, hope everyone enjoys this one! There is a lot of talking going on in here later, but it's a pretty major event for Mardin (and Brianna!), so I didn't want to gloss it over or anything. Hopefully it isn't too much!
Thanks as always to everyone who has favorited, followed, and read so far - I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Extra special thanks to everyone who was kind enough to review the last chapter and reassure me they're still reading: ElyssaCousland, Tracy, Norgrath, NoleeJade, LostSpace, and Kylia Quilor. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts, and hope to hear from you all again!
PLEASE REVIEW - GIFT FIC FOR 200TH REVIEWER!
Disclaimer: As always, Bioware owns any characters and dialogue you recognize. Mardin and the rest of it are mine!
Chapter 24: Conflicted
Brianna backed up several steps, chilled by the look in Mardin's eyes, her heart thumping anxiously as she felt despair washing through her, threatening to drown her. Her hands tightened on her staff. She knew what spells she could use to stop him, to . . . kill him, starting with a strength-draining spell she'd learned recently, but she couldn't do it. Without knowing how it might affect him, if it would kill him in the physical world or simply kill part of him, she just couldn't risk it. And even if it didn't affect him, she would still have the memory of killing him in her mind, and that was something she wasn't sure she could handle.
But what else could she do? She had to reach him somehow, like he'd reached her with the desire demon. It would be harder, considering he'd fully succumbed to the pride demon, but she thought she knew a way. She backed up a few more steps, throwing up a shield as he swung his sword and it clanged uselessly off, causing him to snarl in frustration, his eyes cold as the dead of winter.
"Mardin, please," she said lowly, keeping the shield up for the moment, relieved that the pride demon seemed content to stand by and watch for now. "I don't want to hurt you, and I know you don't want to hurt me, but if you do this, you will." Her father's words from a long-ago lesson drifted through her mind: Even a demon can't make you do something completely against your nature. "If you do what it wants you to, you'll fail to protect me. It's me, Mardin. It's Brianna." And Maker, she hoped she was right about this; she hoped this was the one thing that could reach him. "Your mate, Brianna."
Mardin had been charging at her and the shield of her magic again, but at those words, he froze in his tracks, sword raised once more. His whole body seemed to shudder and shake, his eyes flashing from that cold, glazed look to the warm one she was so used to seeing in them. His body shook harder as those looks warred back and forth in his eyes, and he dropped to his knees, panting for breath, his sword hand falling down to his side, though he didn't let go of his sword yet. The demon let out a roar of disapproval, and Brianna hissed over her shoulder, "Distract it!"
Merrill and Varric moved immediately to attack the demon, bolts flying and roots entangling it as the ground rumbled beneath it. Brianna crouched down, gripping her staff as she asked urgently, "Mardin, can you hear me?"
He looked up at her, blinking rapidly as though he couldn't focus. "Brianna?" he croaked out, a shudder wracking his body again. "Goddess, what . . . what am I . . . what did I do?" He gasped as though he were in pain, dropping his shield and clutching his head with one hand, keeping the other clasped around the hilt of his sword. "Did I . . . did I hurt you?!"
She shook her head, feeling some of the chill wash from her body at how concerned he looked at that thought, even though his eyes still seemed to be flashing back and forth. "Not yet, no. But you did succumb to the pride demon, and that's what it's trying to make you do. You have to fight it, Mardin, because I don't want to hurt you, either. I . . . I don't know what will happen if I do, and I don't want to find out."
"I . . ." He tried to release his grip on his sword, but he cried out sharply and bent nearly double, gasping for breath. He straightened up, shaking his head slowly as his body shook again. "I don't think . . . I can. It keeps . . . pulling at me, trying to drag me under." His sword lifted, his whole arm shaking as though something was trying to direct it towards her, even while he fought to lower it again. "It's like . . . trying to swim with an anchor. I can't . . . keep this up. Just, please, Brianna, you have to . . ."
"No!" she interrupted him, shaking her head in denial of what she knew he'd been about to say. "I won't do it. I can't!"
"If you won't, then . . ." And suddenly she saw that he hadn't been struggling to lower his sword as she'd thought, or at least he wasn't anymore; he was turning the point away from her, towards himself. "I will."
"No, don't!" she cried, scrambling towards him, but she was too late. The instant he'd succeeded at turning the point toward his own body, he'd lurched forward in one quick, awful jerk, landing on his sword with a grunt as it pierced right through him. He fell to his side as she dropped to her knees next to him, and before she could heal him, he disappeared just as Isabela had, only with a relieved smile on his face.
She let out a scream, of rage, of pain, of grief, as she shot to her feet and whirled toward the pride demon her friends were struggling to keep at bay. "YOU!" she snarled, stalking towards it, blasting it with a bolt of lightning powered by her rage. "This is your fault!"
The demon, though it had reeled back a bit from the force of her lightning, let out a chuckle, opening its mouth. Brianna didn't give it a chance to say anything; she shot an immense explosive fireball at it, blasting it back off its feet, straight onto a spiked root left from Merrill's magic. The demon howled as the root pierced its body, but it was soon drowned under a wave of crushing ice and falling rocks, as Merrill added her earth spell to Brianna's ice one. Brianna followed this up with one more blast of lightning, causing the demon's body to twitch convulsively before it, too, finally disappeared.
She thought that would make her feel better; it didn't. That whirlwind of terrible, painful emotions was still there. He'll be fine, she told herself as she clutched her staff hard, her knuckles turning white. So will Isabela. There's no reason to think dying in the Fade does anything to someone without magic. But that didn't seem to make her feel better, either.
"Hawke . . ." Varric began hesitantly. She looked at him, seeing his hand hovering above her arm as if he wanted to touch it, but wasn't sure if he should.
"I'm fine," she said tightly, around the lump in her throat, and stepped away. If Varric tried to comfort her, she wouldn't be fine anymore.
"I'm sure they're both fine," Merrill offered after a moment, in a tone that sounded like she was trying to convince herself, too. "They don't have magic, so it probably won't do anything to them."
"What Daisy said," Varric nodded in agreement, though he couldn't quite conceal his own worried expression. "Anyway, let's go find the kid, get out of this place."
Brianna simply nodded, turning toward the door that had brought them in. Once they were out in the hallway full of doors, leading back to the courtyard, she let Merrill go ahead for a moment as she paused to look back at the door, back at the place where he'd disappeared.
"Hawke?" Varric asked, turning to look back at her.
"I love him, Varric." It was something she'd just realized herself; it was the reason why she couldn't hurt him, even when he'd asked her to. The reason why seeing him die, even if it was only (hopefully) in the Fade, had hit her so hard. The reason why she enjoyed having him around so much, and why it might just break her if he wasn't there when she got back. She'd never really stopped to analyze how she felt about him, beyond the fact that she wanted him by her side, and it hit her now with a sort of dull surprise.
Varric gave her a gentle smile. "I know you do, Hawke. I'm just surprised you didn't know. But listen, once we get out of this place, him and Rivaini'll be waiting for us. You'll see."
Brianna took a deep breath, moving to follow him and Merrill towards the courtyard. "I hope you're right."
"Aren't I always?" Varric replied in a tone of forced levity.
And even though she knew it was forced, and her emotions were still tangled and knotted inside her, she still managed to crack a smile; Varric always cheered her up, even if only a little. "The expedition?" she reminded him.
Varric grinned at that, and she was relieved that some of his worry eased from his face as well. "Hey, I never said it wouldn't be dangerous, just that we'd get rich. And we did."
"True enough," Brianna agreed with a faint smile.
Merrill, meanwhile, had reached the end of the hallway, and called back over her shoulder from the open door, "There are no more demons right now. It's just Feynriel, waiting for us."
Determined to get this over with, and find out just what had happened to the others, Brianna hurried forward along with Varric. They went out into the fuzzy version of the Circle's courtyard, and as Merrill had said, only Feynriel waited for them below.
He turned to them as they approached, pale and distressed, his eyes wide. "I can't spend another moment in this place. The screaming! Everywhere, all I hear are the nightmares of people dying, fleeing, gnawing their own arms off to escape . . ." He shook his head and shuddered. "This is a world of monsters. And they all want me! Please, help me escape. Help me die!"
Brianna studied him for a moment, surprised at the request. But at least in this case, she knew exactly what would happen if she killed Feynriel. "If I kill you here, I only destroy your mind. You will become Tranquil," she reminded him.
"I was afraid of that for so long," Feynriel said softly. "I can't even remember why. To live, to sleep without dreaming, to never hear a demon's whisper – it is a blessing as great as standing at the Maker's side."
"Hawke, we can't . . ." Merrill started, frowning and shaking her head, even as Varric asked, "Is this truly necessary?"
"If it's what he really wants . . ." Brianna began, torn. She could only think of what Mardin had said, such a short time ago. If you won't, then I will. She didn't want to drive Feynriel to make that same decision.
"It is what I want. Just do it!" Feynriel shouted, kneeling on the ground in front of her. "Put the knife in my heart."
"There could be another way," Merrill insisted, looking at Feynriel, but he shook his head. "I can't take it anymore. Please, just do it. Just make it all go away."
Merrill shook her head, looking distressed as she walked several yards away. "I can't watch this," she murmured, and Varric went to her, trying to comfort her.
Brianna looked down at Feynriel, saw the pleading and determination in his gaze, and sighed. "Close your eyes, Feynriel. You won't ever see the Fade again."
He smiled at her, the same relieved smile Mardin had given, and it shook her. She took a deep breath, steeling her resolve as he added, "Thank you," and closed his eyes. She circled around behind him, raising her hands on either side of his head, and shot a powerful lightning spell straight through it. He fell to his side, just as Mardin had done, before vanishing. Brianna turned from the sight, blinking back tears even as the Fade shimmered and dissolved around her.
The instant Brianna awoke and realized where she was, back in the physical world on the floor of Arianni's hut in the main room, she shot to her feet, whirling around and looking for Isabela and Mardin. "Where are the others that were with us?" she demanded of Marethari, who stood nearby. "Are they okay?"
"Hey, Hawke." Brianna turned to the voice, letting out a small, relieved breath as she saw Isabela in the corner, looking guilty and ashamed, neither expression one she'd ever seen on the pirate's face before. "I'm fine. So is Mardin," she added hastily, "don't worry. He, um, said to tell you he was fine, but he needed to be alone for a while, so he left. I would have, too, but I thought you'd want to know."
"Yes, thank you for telling me," Brianna said, feeling a tide of relief rush through her. He was okay, he wasn't dead, and apparently not some strange version of Tranquil, either. Isabela appeared to be her normal self, after all, if somewhat ashamed.
"Your friends awakened here some time ago," Marethari added mildly, though Brianna thought she caught a look of disapproval as she glanced toward Isabela, who was now headed for the door, and, Brianna guessed, the Hanged Man. "No one is immune to a demon's offer."
Brianna simply nodded, turning to Arianni, who was hovering at the door to Feynriel's room, clearly waiting for him to emerge. "Feynriel is Tranquil. I'm sorry."
"Tranquil?" Arianni cried, dawning horror washing over her face. "But he said he would rather die than become a . . . walking statue! Oh, my boy! What did you do to him?"
"It is a horrible fate. But sometimes the tribe must be weighed against one man's suffering," Marethari told the other elf.
"I'm so sorry," Brianna said again, wanting to comfort Arianni in whatever way she could. "It was not something I would have wished to do, but it was Feynriel's decision. He didn't want to live with temptation anymore. He begged me to end it. He was so tormented; he just wanted it to stop. He wanted peace."
Arianni shook her head in frantic denial, looking into the bedroom, where Feynriel was starting to sit up, and then she let out a little cry. "No! I-I will go ask Ser Thrask. Maybe he can do something! Or - or the Circle can! Maybe it's not too late!" She pushed past Merrill, who was stepping forward to comfort her, a look of grief on her face, and ran for the door. Merrill, after a quick look back at Brianna and Varric, hurried after her.
The Keeper watched them go for a moment, expressionless, before she turned to Brianna. "That cannot have been an easy choice. Thank you for making it."
Brianna frowned, getting the feeling that it was the choice Marethari had wanted her to make all along. "I only did it because he asked me to," she informed the Keeper a little shortly.
"Then he made the right choice, in the end," Marethari replied, bowing her head slightly. "Please, accept my gratitude for your assistance."
"You're welcome," Brianna replied, trying to sound as though she meant it before she headed for the door, Varric following her.
"I'm heading to the Hanged Man, Hawke," Varric said once they'd exited the Alienage. "Gotta wash the taste of the Fade out of my mouth. You coming?"
She shook her head. "Thanks, Varric, but no. I'm going to go see how Mardin is."
Varric nodded, looking unsurprised. "Are you going to tell him?"
She didn't have to ask what he meant. She shook her head. "No, not yet. I don't think he's ready yet."
"Probably not," Varric agreed, looking at her for a long moment before he added, "Hawke? Just . . . be careful. I like Red, but I don't know if he'll ever be ready, you know? And he can be a bit volatile, sometimes. I can see what that demon meant about people fearing him."
"Thanks for the concern, Varric, but I'll be fine. He wouldn't hurt me." What had happened in the Fade had only made her positive of that fact. She smiled reassuringly at Varric, waving a hand in goodbye as they parted, him towards the Hanged Man and her towards Hightown. She was hoping to find Mardin in the mansion.
She'd just gotten to the top of the stairs leading up to Hightown when the sending crystal she still wore on her chest every day glowed, and a voice drifted from it. "Brianna? Are you there?" It wasn't Mardin; before she could reply, the voice went on, "It's Ayla."
"Ayla?" she asked in surprise, picking up the crystal. "Is something wrong?"
"I was going to ask you that, actually," Ayla replied, sounding concerned. "Mardy contacted me a few minutes ago. He sounded really upset, and he wasn't making a lot of sense. He just said something about failing you and ruining everything, and then he cut off contact and won't answer me anymore. I've . . . well, I've never heard him sound like that before."
Brianna sighed, running a hand through her hair. Perhaps she shouldn't have said that bit about failing to protect her; she hadn't actually meant it, had only been trying to get through to him in a way she thought might work, but it seemed he might have taken it to heart. "Hold on a minute," she told Ayla, and hurried through Hightown until she'd reached the Amell estate, slipping into the privacy of her own garden before she told Ayla everything that had happened earlier.
Ayla snorted when she'd finished. "Of course it was the bloody Fade, I should have known. It's a terrible place for shifters; I never thought to warn him about that, so that part's my fault. It's lucky I never ran into any pride demons interested in tempting me, or I might have done the same thing." She paused for a moment, going on with a touch of confusion, "I thought demons usually went after mages?"
"They do, usually," Brianna replied, sitting down on a stone bench Bodahn had set up a few days ago. "And that part's my fault. I thought the demons would focus on me, or Merrill. I didn't realize that Feynriel was such a prize they'd just want to turn my friends against me and kill me instead. Or that Mardin would be susceptible in the Fade when he wasn't outside of it."
"Well, I don't see how you could be expected to know either of those things. Mardy had never been in the Fade before, and you said those dreamers are really rare," Ayla pointed out. She sighed. "Poor Mardy. This is going to be very hard on him. Almost being forced to attack his life-mate . . ."
"Life-mate?!" Brianna blurted out in surprise. "He doesn't think of me that way, does he?"
"Probably not consciously," Ayla admitted. "But calling yourself his mate wouldn't have worked unless he already thought of you that way, deep down. What you said about demons not being able to force someone to do something against their nature . . . well, for us, trying to kill one's life-mate is . . . it's abhorrent. It's completely against everything we are. We'd . . . well, we'd kill ourselves first before ever turning our weapons on our life-mates. So, what Mardy did isn't exactly surprising."
Maker. Brianna let out a long breath, tipping her head back to look at the clear, bright sky above her as she tried to organize her thoughts and feelings. She loved Mardin, and apparently, he loved her, even if he hadn't realized it yet. Life-mates. Even though she'd been hoping for a serious relationship, to keep him by her side, she realized she hadn't thought as far ahead as the rest of her life. It sounded right, though, the more she thought about it. "But, you don't think he's realized how he feels yet?" she asked at last.
"I doubt it." Ayla snorted again. "If there's one thing we Trichlors are even better at than killing, it's being in denial. Speaking from experience, I pretty much had to be walloped over the head with it before I realized how I felt about Alistair."
"Oh?" A teasing male voice came over the crystal. "And just how do you feel about me, love?"
Ayla laughed. "Like you don't know. Get out of here, I'm trying to talk to Brianna about Mardy!"
"I would, but Rylee's looking for her mother." Gurgling baby noises accompanied this statement on the other side of the crystal, and Brianna smiled wistfully at the sounds of the happy family.
"Sorry, Brianna, but I'm going to have to go," Ayla said apologetically. "First, though, I just want to say that Mardy's probably going to fight even harder against his feelings than I did. Experiencing what happened to Father after he lost our mother, his life-mate – I think it's messed Mardy up even more than I was. So, um, give him a little more time, please? I think he's starting to realize how he feels, but he's not quite there yet. And try to make him feel better about this whole Fade thing, okay? He sounded pretty devastated."
"I'll try my best," Brianna promised. If she knew he loved her, that was all she needed to know. She could wait until he'd figured it out. After all, Varric had apparently known how she felt before she did, so Mardin wasn't the only oblivious one.
"Thank you," came the sincere reply. "And feel free to let me know how things go, okay?" Before she could reply to that, the light on the crystal winked out.
"I will," she told the dark crystal as she got to her feet. Now, she just had to figure out how exactly she was going to make Mardin feel better about what had happened.
Though Brianna had been half-afraid Mardin would have gone somewhere else that she couldn't find him, he was in his room at the mansion as she hoped he'd be. He was sitting on his bed when she came in, drinking straight from one of Fenris's wine bottles, with a few more empty ones scattered around him on the bed.
"Mardin?" she said softly, stopping a few feet away from the bed.
He whipped around to look at her, nearly choking on the wine before he set it gingerly on the table next to him. "Brianna! I, uh, I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want me around anymore, but I can't really leave Kirkwall. I'll just . . . I'll do my best to stay out of your way, okay?"
Brianna blinked, astonished at the outpouring of half-slurred words. "Mardin, what are you talking about? Why wouldn't I want you around anymore?"
He looked so desolate, she realized as he stared at her in bleary surprise. "Because . . . I tried to attack you. I'm supposed to help you, to shield you, and instead I tried to hurt you. You needed a shield to protect yourself from me. And all because I . . ." He let out a disgusted noise, smashing his hand through a wine bottle on the bed, not even seeming to notice the blood that trickled down it afterwards.
She was tempted to move forward, to heal that cut right away, but she needed to set him straight first. "You succumbed to a demon, yes. It happens. I almost did, with that desire demon before, but you pulled me out of it. Isabela succumbed, too, and she actually wounded you. Do you plan to tell her she has to stay away from you?"
Mardin stared at her again, this time looking confused, before he shook his head. "It's not the same –"
"How is it not the same?" she interrupted him. "She's supposed to help us, help me, and she tried to attack me. You stopped her, so she attacked you, and actually hurt you. You didn't get so much as a scratch on me, and you broke free of the demon's control." She wondered if he'd realized which word it was that had reached him, and why. Judging by the still-confused look on his face, he probably didn't.
He shook his head again. "I didn't break free, really. I was fighting it, but it was too strong. I couldn't break free completely, so I . . ."
"Yes. For all you knew, you killed yourself, or irreversibly damaged your mind, to make sure you didn't hurt me or our friends." She felt tears stinging at her eyes again as she remembered that moment; he was obviously fine now, yet it didn't seem to take the pain of that memory away. "Pride demons are strong. Stronger than desire demons. The fact that you broke free, even that much, after being under its spell is impressive."
He scowled, smashing his other hand through another wine bottle. Brianna sighed. That was going to take a while to clean up. "You're making it sound – look, I should have known better, okay?! I – you – if I'd hurt you, I –" He thumped his head back against the wall, snarling in frustration. He put one bloody hand up to his forehead for a moment before he looked back down at her again. She could see that his eyes were already clearing of the haze of alcohol, though they looked no less desolate. She'd never seen him like this, she realized. It was like all the fight in him was gone, along with his easy confidence and bright humour. Like every light inside of him had winked out. It made her heart ache for him. "If I hadn't been in the Fade, maybe I wouldn't have . . . I don't know."
"Why did you?" Brianna asked, honestly curious. Maybe it would help if he talked about it. "How did it pull you under?"
He glanced at her sharply. "Why? How will that help?"
She shrugged. "I just want to know, okay? Tell me what happened."
He sighed, taking a long drink of the wine before answering. His eyes looked haunted now. "Part of it was that place, I think, and what it did. I couldn't smell, couldn't sense anything, so when it happened, I couldn't even tell it wasn't real. Anyway, well, you heard it talking. But while it was talking to me, it was like it was in my head. Showing me all these things, what would happen because I wasn't going to figure out my destiny in time. But if I had enough power, like what I had back home, I could. It was like Thedas was being swallowed by blood and darkness. The blood of people I cared about, right down to little Rylee. And all I could do was watch it. I couldn't stop it. It was whispering in my head at the same time, though. Telling me if I just gave myself up to it, I could stop all of that. And on top of that, I would have the power I had back home. It assured me that I would get that power, that recognition, here eventually. It would just be too late to be useful. And it reminded me how that all felt, to be known everywhere I went, to have people respect me, fear me. You know, I always knew I was a monster, I just didn't know I was proud of it. That I enjoyed having the people that hated me be afraid of me at the same time."
"Okay, Mardin –" Brianna began, but he shook his head. "I'm not done yet."
She sighed, waving for him to continue, and after a moment, he did. "Anyway, I guess it wasn't very long that the demon showed me all of that, but it felt like it. Especially the . . . the blood and darkness. It was like it kept showing me, over and over until I couldn't take it anymore. I could hardly see or hear anything around me, I could only faintly hear you all talking, under the sound of you screaming. And it said all that would stop, if I just said yes. So I did. Asked it what I had to do. Then it had me, and it pulled me right under. I couldn't see what was in front of me, what was really there, anymore. I couldn't see you or Varric or Merrill. It was like it had taken me somewhere else, and it was just bandits in front of me, those nuisances I had to get rid of, one of the first things I had to do to save everyone. So I attacked, but then I could hear you talking again, and it was like you pulled me up above water. I could see the three of you again, but it kept shifting. From you three, back to the bandits. Back to the part of me that just wanted to attack. So then I tried to fight it. Goddess, I've never felt that kind of pain. Not even while shifting. But I could hear you telling me what it was trying to make me do, and I wasn't going to do that. And I could only think of one way to stop it, if you wouldn't kill me. So I fought the hold it had on my arm until I could do it myself. So that's what happened. But I should have known better. I should have known it wasn't real."
Maker. No wonder it had pulled him under, Brianna thought. The pride demon had known exactly how to play him, not only how to play on his pride but also his fear of losing others and his self-sacrificing nature. "All right." She came over and sat on the end of the bed, being careful to avoid the glass, and ignored the way he pulled back further against the headboard. "How exactly were you supposed to know better? You've never been in the Fade, right? Never felt how it affected you, how it can feel so real and yet not be real?"
"Well, no, but –"
"Now I'm not done," she told him, and when he clamped his mouth shut, she went on, "But I have. My father trained me in how to move around in the Fade, and how to avoid temptation from demons. And they've still almost succeeded at pulling me under, both in and out of the Fade. I don't know what would have happened with that desire demon if you hadn't been there. I think your instincts were what helped anchor you then, and you didn't have that in the Fade. Besides that, demons can see into your mind better in the Fade, especially if you don't know how to protect yourself there, so they can see better how to manipulate you, how to pull you under. Even experienced mages can succumb to that. So no, I'm not going to blame you, or tell you I don't want you around."
"You said you trusted me with your life," he muttered, looking ashamed.
"And I still do," Brianna said firmly. "I'm alive, aren't I? Not a scratch on me? You broke free, and once you realized what was happening, you fought against pain worse than you've ever felt before to make sure you didn't hurt me. You killed yourself, as far as you knew, to make sure you didn't kill me. So yes, I absolutely still trust you with my life."
"I only broke free because you helped," he protested.
"I called to you, but you still managed to hear me and pull yourself free. Everything else you did was on your own," she pointed out. "And I do wish you'd stop trying to come up with ways to make me blame you, because I'm not going to, anymore than you plan to blame Isabela. Unless you do plan to blame her."
"Of course not," Mardin growled, clearly frustrated. "But it's not the same."
"Again, I'm not seeing how it's different," Brianna retorted, beginning to get a little frustrated herself. "Other than the fact that she actually wounded you, and you didn't wound me. So technically that makes what she did worse, unless you think it's only okay if you get hurt."
He opened his mouth, as if to argue, then snapped it shut again with a scowl, looking away. And there it is, she thought. It didn't matter to him how much he got hurt, so long as no one else did. And, as Ayla had said, trying to harm someone he thought it was his duty to protect went against his very nature, especially when it was her. She just had to somehow convince him to stop blaming himself for that.
"The only reason I'm even a little bit mad at you," she went on, noticing how his attention jerked back to her at that, "is because you tried to sacrifice yourself to a demon again for everybody else's sake. I thought we went over how I didn't want you to do that, and how we would find a better way together, down in the Deep Roads. We will figure out what needs to be done, you and me, and we'll figure out the best way. No demons. It's not all on you, remember. It's my destiny, too."
He frowned, but didn't immediately reply, so she decided to push it a bit further. "If anything, it's partly my fault. I thought any demons in the Fade would go after me or Merrill, not you or Isabela. So that was my mistake."
"It is not your fault, Brianna!" Mardin protested, getting to his feet. "How could you have known that, if you'd never dealt with one of those dreamers before?"
She nodded, getting to her feet as well, heading towards him and ignoring the fact that he was backing towards the wall in an attempt not to touch her. "You know, you're right. I couldn't have known, since that was my first time dealing with a dreamer. Just like you couldn't have known how the Fade would affect you, in your first time dealing with it."
He'd backed himself up against the wall now, and he shook his head at her as she reached for his hands, but she ignored him and took them anyway, casting a light healing magic over the wounds he'd created on them. "If you want to keep blaming yourself for what happened, I suppose I can't stop you," she said softly, looking up into his eyes. He looked almost afraid, now, as he looked down at her. "But I can keep telling you that I don't blame you, and I don't want you to go away. I just want you to stop trying to sacrifice yourself without looking for another way. I want you to trust me to help, the way I trust you."
"I – I don't know if I deserve your trust anymore," Mardin said at last, still looking afraid as he watched her, though he wasn't trying to pull away. She could see on his face that he was struggling between two impulses – pulling her closer because he wanted to touch her, and pushing her away because he was afraid he'd hurt her.
"It's my trust," Brianna replied, "so I get to decide who deserves it. And I say you still do. I know you won't hurt me." Physically, anyway. He'd hurt her emotionally when he'd stabbed himself in the Fade, but she knew that hadn't been his intention, and it would be nearly impossible for them not to cause each other unintentional hurt from time to time. She stretched up on her toes, kissing him gently. He remained frozen under her touch, and she sighed as she pulled back. "But you're still not sure. So I'll give you a little time to think about it alone. And if you don't come find me, I'll come find you, because I absolutely still want you around, okay?"
He smiled a little at that, though it still didn't quite reach his eyes. "Okay."
She pulled away from him then, reluctantly, and left the room, calling back over her shoulder, "And don't hurt yourself anymore!"
He didn't reply to that, but then, she hadn't really expected him to. She could only hope she'd gotten the message across, and he'd eventually stop blaming himself and become the Mardin she loved again.
It was three days later, when Brianna was on the verge of going to hunt Mardin down, that he finally came to her. By that time, she'd already settled things between herself and Isabela (which had really been much easier; Isabela had apologized in her own way, and Brianna had forgiven her, and that had been the end of it), spent some time with her mother, visited Aveline, helped Anders at the clinic, and had gotten in several rounds of Wicked Grace with the others at the Hanged Man. During none of those occasions had she seen Mardin; the only one who had was Fenris, who said that he frequently went out for the day and came back late at night, bloodied and bruised. Fenris's best guess was that he went to the Wounded Coast in search of bandits to fight, which Brianna had to agree was likely. Given that he didn't seem to be using potions to heal himself, she was guessing it was a twisted sort of penance for him, as well as possibly a way to clear his head.
In any case, he came to the estate late at night, after her mother, Bodahn and Sandal were already asleep. She'd been up only because she decided to go through some of her mail after getting home from the Hanged Man, and since she was down in the front hall in her chair before the fireplace, she heard the light knock designed not to wake anybody up.
She went to the door, curious who it would be so late at night, and let out a relieved breath when she saw it was Mardin. It had started raining since she'd gotten home, and his hair was beginning to plaster to his forehead. He'd worn only a tunic and breeches as well, and they were becoming equally plastered to his body. In spite of that, though, he looked far more like himself than he had three days ago after the Fade. He even gave a genuine smile upon seeing her, one that actually reached his eyes this time.
"Mardin." She smiled in return. "Come on in; you're getting soaked."
She let him into the entryway, closing and locking the door behind him, and he followed her into the hall, where he stood in front of the fireplace to dry off as she sat down in her chair. "I was hoping you'd still be up. I'm glad you were," he said softly as he held his hands out to the fire.
"I just got back from the Hanged Man a bit ago," she replied, "and was checking my mail. I haven't seen you at the Hanged Man recently."
"No. I needed some time alone to think about everything. And, apparently, to have Ayla tell me what an idiot I am in great detail today," he added with a roll of his eyes, though he was smiling.
Brianna grinned. "Well, if that made you feel more yourself, then I'll have to thank her."
"Well, it was that and the fact that I finally decided if you still trusted me, that would be good enough for me, for now." He rolled his shoulders a bit, then turned his back to the fire to warm it up as well, meeting her gaze steadily. "I'm still not entirely sure I can trust me yet. I've never had my mind manipulated like that, and it was . . . tough for me to handle. I think I've come to terms with it now, as much as I can. And I realized you're right; I need to trust that we can figure out this destiny together, whatever it is, and handle it together. I'm going to try not to treat it like it's all on me, or sacrifice myself for it. But . . . if you ever need someone to go into the Fade again, I don't think I can go. You can ask me anything else, but not that."
Brianna nodded. She'd come to that conclusion on her own already. "That's fair. I don't want you to have to go through that again anyway. So you're off Fade missions, but if we encounter any demons in the physical world, I'll trust you can keep us all grounded. I meant to tell you, before, when you said you were a monster . . ."
"What about it?" Mardin asked, looking suddenly guarded.
"I was going to say, if you're a monster for enjoying a little fear from people that hate you, then so am I. The people that hated me just for being a mage, like those ones that probably hated you just for being a shifter – I enjoyed putting a little fear into them," she confessed, seeing understanding darkening his eyes. "I knew they would never respect me, but at least I could make them fear me. So I guess that would make us both monsters, although I think it might be a pretty human reaction. But I don't think you were proud of that. I think you were proud of being the Captain, something you'd worked hard for, and that people knew who you were because of that. Just like I'm proud of people knowing who I am after all the work I've done helping people out in Kirkwall."
He relaxed, smiling at her once more. "Well, I suppose you could be right about that, too."
"Of course I am," she said loftily, and was pleased when Mardin laughed. Yes, he might not be completely back to himself, but he was almost there, and she would certainly take what she could get. "Now," she stood up again, seeing that he was relatively dry by this point, "are you going to come to bed with me? I've missed you there these last few nights."
His eyes heated at that, going blazing blue like the center of the fire behind him. "I've missed being there," he replied lowly, and when she reached out for him, he took her hand without hesitation this time.
Brianna stretched the next morning, feeling wonderfully sore from a quite busy night, and then she flopped back down on the bed, poking at Mardin's bare chest. "Are you getting up soon?"
"No," he grunted without opening his eyes.
She grinned. "But Bodahn makes such a wonderful breakfast."
He cracked open one eye to look at her. "I might consider getting up for that." His stomach growled at that moment as if in agreement.
Brianna laughed, feeling more light-hearted than she had in days. "Good, because I was also thinking of coaxing Bodahn into making a picnic lunch for everybody. I've got nothing planned for today, and the weather looks fine." She nodded at the sunlight streaming in through her balcony window. "So I was thinking we could all go out to the Wounded Coast, since I'm sure it's well cleared out for now, do a bit of swimming, eat a lot of food. What do you think?"
Mardin opened both eyes now, smiling as he watched her with his hands tucked behind his head. "I think it sounds like a great idea. Of course, I think a skinny-dipping picnic with just the two of us sounds even better, but we could always do that another day if you want everybody there."
"I do want everybody there today," she admitted, "but we can plan a picnic for just the two of us another day." She'd missed having all of them together the past few nights, and she wanted Mardin to be back to himself with the others, too, not just her. A picnic seemed like a good way to do that, and besides, she'd been wanting to do one for a while, anyway.
"Well, let's go talk to Bodahn, then," Mardin said, sitting up with a reluctant groan, and once they'd gotten dressed, they headed down for breakfast and to talk Bodahn into making lunch, too.
In the end, Aveline and Anders weren't able to come, being too busy on such short notice, but everybody else agreed with varying degrees of enthusiasm, ranging from Merrill's excited agreement to Fenris's grunt. And the picnic itself went really quite well; the sun was bright and warm, the water cool but not cold, the food delicious and the laughter and conversation frequent. Mardin looked more and more like himself with each passing minute, and Brianna herself felt more relaxed and happy. So of course, on their way back to Kirkwall a few hours later, something had to go wrong.
Mardin stopped walking, his nose wrinkling, a moment before Fenris did, and both looked up to the bluff above them simultaneously. Brianna stopped, reaching for her staff as several warriors appeared above them, along with a mage.
"Hunters," Fenris snarled, reaching for his sword.
"Stop right there!" shouted the brown-haired man in the lead. He was armed to the teeth by the looks of him, as he glared down at them and continued, "You are in possession of stolen property. Back away from the slave now and you'll be spared."
A scowl sprung up on Brianna's face as what Fenris had meant by hunters made sudden and sickening sense. She pulled her staff out even as the others grabbed their weapons, and Mardin let out a low growl.
"Oh, you've got it all wrong," Mardin informed the hunters with chilling politeness, his voice all the more terrifying for its calmness. "Leave now, and one or two of you might manage to escape alive. That's if I decide not to track you down later just for the fun of it."
Brianna raised her staff, prepping a spell to hit the mage in their group as rage swirled through her at the thought of what they wanted to take Fenris back to. "Fenris isn't going anywhere. And he's right. You should leave now if you don't all want to die."
The leader simply sneered in response, though Brianna thought she detected a bit of prudent fear before he shouted, "Attack!"
And before he could spill over the side of the bluff with the others, one of Bianca's bolts pierced right through his throat, causing him to tumble over the side and fall to the ground in front of them, where Fenris finished him off. In the meantime, Brianna had cast a chain lightning spell, which started with the mage and shot through the rest of the ranks, giving the others time to attack while they were paralyzed.
It didn't take long for them to kill all of the hunters, with the exception of the mage. He must have had some decent magic resistance along with some healing ability, for even after the attacks, he was trying to crawl away from them along the sandy beach. Fenris, vibrating with fury, stalked over to the mage, and grabbing him by his hair, jerked his head backward. "Where is he?" he snarled, before slamming the mage's face back into the sand and lifting it again.
"Please don't kill me!" the young mage begged desperately.
Brianna just watched, devoid of sympathy for anyone who hunted people for money, and fully willing to let Fenris handle this as he slammed the mage's head down again. "Tell me!"
"I don't know!" the mage babbled frantically. "I don't know, I swear! Hadriana brought us. She's at the holding caves north of the city! I can show you the way!" He pointed with a shaky hand.
"No need," Fenris replied coldly. "I know which ones you speak of."
"Then let me go, I beg you!" the mage cried. "I swear I won't –"
"You chose the wrong master," Fenris interrupted him, snapping his neck in nearly the same moment. He stood up, letting the body fall to the ground as he growled, "Hadriana." He paced a few steps away from all of them before turning back. "I was a fool to think I was free. They'll never let me be!"
"They will if you kill all of them," Mardin said simply. "Come on, I'll help."
"We all will," Brianna added, looking to the other three, who nodded in agreement. "But it sounds like you know this Hadriana personally."
"My old master's apprentice," Fenris snapped, looking agitated. "I remember her well: a snivelling social climber that would sell her own children if she thought it would please Danarius. If she's here, it's at his bidding. I knew he wouldn't let this go!" He threw up his hands as he paced back and forth, clearly distressed.
"Well, if we kill enough of his lackeys, he might start to reconsider," Brianna suggested. "We'll start with this apprentice of his."
Fenris nodded, looking a little appeased at her words. "Yes, we need to find her. We'll send a message to Danarius he won't soon forget!"
"You said you knew which caves he was talking about?" Brianna asked, wishing briefly they could go back to the picnic, where she knew Fenris had been enjoying himself for once. Perhaps if they got rid of this Hadriana, he could feel at ease again.
"I know which ones. They were holding caves that held slaves in the old times, but apparently they are no longer abandoned. We must go quickly, before Hadriana has a chance to prepare . . . or flee," Fenris added darkly, and they all nodded in agreement, following him as he took the path heading north of the city.