Chapter 10

Jyn sat in the waiting room, tapping her feet and bouncing her knees. She was halfway prepared to run out the door (a prospect she had already considered three times before in the past ten minutes) when a nurse came into the lobby and called her name. As they walked back to the exam room, Jyn cursed Cassian silently.

This had all begun three weeks previously. Cassian and Jyn had been laying in a post-coital bliss, Cassian tracing his hand lazily from the curve of her stomach to the curve of her ass. He smiled at her, tangling his fingers into her hair with his free hand. Jyn did what she always did- pull away instinctively.

Hurt flashed in Cassian's eyes for the briefest moment, before he murmured "Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist?"

Jyn fully jerked back from him at that, hackles raised. "I haven't, because I don't need to see a shrink."

Cassian groaned, covering his face with his hand. "Mierda, I didn't mean for it to come out that way."

She didn't move any closer to him, but she didn't run, either. When he was reassured of her presence, Cassian continued.

"I didn't mean that in a negative way, Jyn. I just… you have a lot of trust issues. Don't you think it would be good to work on some of those? I want to help you work on them, too, but I can't help you if you don't know what you need."

Jyn was silent for a while. Cassian didn't prompt her to speak, just waited patiently. While she denied it verbally, she had known for a long time that she needed to speak to a professional about her traumatic past. That she had chosen a profession deeply integrated with loss made it even worse. Her panic attacks had increased in frequency since she got pregnant, anxiety a buzzing presence that kept her mind from ever quieting.

"I'm not used to talking about these things," Jyn murmured.

Cassian still just watched her. After a lingering silence, he reached out for her, began his hand's journey from stomach to bottom again. She looked back into his deep brown eyes, admired the sharp cut of his cheekbones. Her thumb traced his bottom lip as words spilled from his mouth.

"I think that's an even better reason to see someone. Not talking about problems doesn't make them go away."

Jyn turned her gaze to the ceiling, eyes tracing the minute cracks in the plaster. "How would you know?"

Cassian barked out a disbelieving laugh. "You know what my childhood was like. Do you think I was always this calm?"

Jyn shrugged.

"I wasn't. I was angry for a long time. I used to get in fights at school, even at parties when I started university. I decided to go to the counseling center after I broke a guy's nose at a party my sophomore year. The counselor recognized what I couldn't see in myself- I had been fighting since I was six years old, and when there was no battle for me, I started creating them for myself."

He shifted onto his back, pressing his lips to Jyn's fingers. "I still have a temper, but it was so much worse before I saw a professional. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't make you weak- it means you're strong enough to make a change."

Inhaling shakily, Jyn nodded. "Okay, I'll give it a try. For you."

Cassian squeezed her fingers. "I don't want this for me- I want this for you."

So now Jyn was at the doctor's office. It wasn't a therapist, but a psychiatrist counts as a start, right? Cassian didn't have to know the difference.

Luke walked into his office at that moment. Settling onto the armchair across from the couch, he smiled at her calmly. It did nothing to soothe Jyn's nerves. She didn't tell Bodhi, because there were some things best left unsaid, but Luke's state of perpetual calm unnerved her. She didn't understand how some people could be that mellow.

"Hi Jyn. What brings you here today?"

Clasping her hands together, Jyn determinedly set her eyes on the bookshelf next to Luke's desk. "I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, and I'm not handling it well. I've been having panic attacks."

Luke hummed sympathetically. "You indicated on your paperwork that you are 22 weeks pregnant. Did this anxiety start with your pregnancy?"

Jyn bit her lip, shook her head. "No, I've been this way for a long time. I've just never done anything about it before."

"That doesn't sound very comfortable, constantly wrestling with your anxiety."

Jyn huffed bitterly. "Yeah, well, I wouldn't exactly call my life thus far a joyride."

Luke chose to gloss over her retort, still serenely writing out notes on a pad of paper. "Do you feel like your anxiety has gotten worse since you got pregnant?"

"Why do you think I'm here?" Jyn asked challengingly.

Nodding, Luke continued unperturbed. It was infuriating that she couldn't illicit a reaction from him. "How do you want me to help you?"

"I want to go on medication. Something that's safe for the babies, but I need something to stop the panic attacks."

Luke sighed, set down his notepad. "Jyn, I can write you a script today, but I don't think that's going to fix everything for you. You probably do need an anxiolytic to help prevent onset of these panic attacks, but I think you need to consider other options to use in tandem with medical treatment."

Jyn could feel his penetrating gaze settle on her. She resisted the urge to shift uncomfortably. "Have you ever seen a therapist?"

Jyn barked out a laugh. Maybe Cassian did know what her initial strategy would be. "Have you been talking to Cassian?"

"You know that patient confidentiality prevents me from discussing your case with him. But don't you think it's telling that someone you're very close to also thinks you should see a therapist?"

Jyn didn't respond. Luke pushed forward. "Looking at the answers you provided on my questionnaire, you have had an uncommonly traumatic past. A mother who died when you were very young, another parent dead by suicide, and constantly being uprooted throughout your childhood. Not to mention that you have a job that is emotionally draining."

Luke grabbed a business card from the table next to his chair. "I'm giving you this card hoping that you will go to this therapist. He's one of the best- I've gone to him as a patient myself. His name is Dr. Riku Yoda. His methods can be a bit unconventional, but I think you'll make a lot of progress with him."

Jyn reluctantly accepted the business card from him. Luke pulled out his prescription pad, and started writing. "I'm prescribing you Buspar 15 mg tablets. You can take them as needed, but don't take more than 60 mgs in a day. I'd recommend that you take 7.5 in the morning after eating breakfast, and 15 mg before bedtime. Anytime you start feeling the onset of a panic attack, take a 7.5 mg dose. The medication is quite fast-acting, so you should feel better within 20 minutes if not sooner. Make sure to eat before taking this- it can make you pretty nauseous. I tell most patients to eat little snacks throughout the day so they don't get caught on an empty stomach."

Jyn took the script from Luke, and murmured, "Thank you."

"It's no problem, Jyn. I'd like to see you back in two weeks to check in. Hopefully you will have had at least one appointment with Dr. Yoda by that time. Feel free to call my office if you have questions any sooner."

Jyn looked down at Dr. Yoda's card as she exited Luke's office, and nervously began dialing the number listed on the back.

Continuing the streak of doctor's appointments, Jyn and Cassian were now sitting in an exam room, waiting for Leia to come in. They had decided to stop hiding their relationship the previous week, after Cassian went to Draven and explained that he would need some family leave time in November.

Laid out on the table, Jyn turned to Cassian. "What do you want?"

Cassian leaned back, lost in thought for a moment. "I want a boy and a girl. You?"

Jyn grinned mischievously at him. "I want two girls, just so we can outnumber you."

He rolled his eyes at her good-naturedly. Shara Bey came into the room then, smiling enthusiastically. Getting straight to work, she took Jyn's weight and blood pressure, went through the usual questions, and pulled out a clipboard.

"In a month, I'll be teaching a childbirth class. I also have sign-up sheets for a breastfeeding class taught by one of the hospital's lactation consultants, and an infant care class taught by one of the pediatric nurses. I thought you all might want to get on the list!"

Cassian quickly grabbed the forms and started filling them out. Jyn held back a smirk. Cassian loved going to classes and reading books on any subject he was unfamiliar with, whereas Jyn was more into flying by the seat of her pants. However, Jyn had mentally blocked most of her year 3 obstetrics rotation, so a refresher on childbirth might not be such a bad thing.

After Cassian returned the sign-ups to Shara, she left to get Leia. When Leia came into the room, Jyn's heart sped up with excitement. Her feet shifted against the crinkly paper on the table, and Cassian squeezed her knee affectionately. She could tell by his barely-contained grin that he was equally excited.

Leia couldn't contain her smile, either. "I take it neither of you want to know the sex of the babies today?"

Jyn threw her arm out to gently swat at her. Leia threw her hands up in protest. "I'm kidding."

Jyn quickly pulled up her shirt, and Leia spread out the cool gel onto her stomach. As the probe pressed firmly against her skin, Cassian squeezed her hand tightly. When the babies popped up on the screen, Jyn's chest surged with warmth. How was it possible to feel so much affection for two little people you hadn't met? Turning to meet Cassian's gaze, she had the sudden desire to kiss him. Watching his gaze soften, his lips quirk up at the sides, made her care about him even more.

Leia's excited voice broke through the silence. "Well, it looks like they have decided to cooperate today!"

Jyn barely resisted the urge to shift impatiently. Cassian rested his hand on her arm, rubbing his thumb along it soothingly. "And?"

"Well, we have baby number one right here…" Leia pointed to the baby on the left end of the screen.

"And baby number one is… a boy!"

Cassian broke out into a wide grin, and Jyn's lip wobbled slightly, meeting Cassian's gaze and hoping she could communicate her joy with her eyes.

"Baby number two just shifted… and it's a girl!"

Jyn broke into an even wider grin. Cassian laughed. "I guess my wish did come true!" He leaned forward and pressed his lips to Jyn's forehead. He quietly told her how much he loved her.

Leia cleared her throat. "Well, everything else looks good on the scan today, and since you appear quite healthy, we'll just plan to see you back in two weeks."

Jyn grinned as Cassian accepted Leia's warm hug- her open affection wasn't something he was completely used to yet. Leia squeezed Jyn's ankle affectionately. "I can't wait to meet them."

Jyn smiled back at Leia, and murmured softly, "Neither can I."

On the drive home, Cassian was unusually quiet.

"Something wrong?" asked Jyn.

Cassian shook his head. "It just occurred to me that I've never taken you on an actual date."

Jyn grinned, gesturing to her swollen stomach. "I think it's a little late for that, Dr. Andor."

"Hey, you turned me down the first time I offered!"

"Well, I guess since you've ruined me for anyone else… I might as well say yes."

Cassian glared at her. She quickly knotted her fingers through his, playfully kissing his knuckles and biting his fingertips until he batted her away. Clearing his throat, he decided to take the conversation in a decidedly less sexy direction.

"How do you feel about doing all the classes? I know that kind of stuff isn't really your thing."

Jyn took a deep breath. "I'm a pediatrician, so I think that we'll breeze through the infant care class. I'm more nervous about the breastfeeding class and the childbirth classes. I actively tried to forget my obstetrics rotation…. I ruined three pairs of shoes during that period in my life. And I'm terrified about breastfeeding."

Cassian glanced at her curiously. "What about breastfeeding scares you?"

Jyn snorted. "Only a man would say that. Have you not heard breastfeeding horror stories?"

"I mean, I've heard it can be painful…."

"That's a massive understatement. I know one mother who had to stop because the skin of one nipple started sloughing off. Plus there's mastitis, low supply… there's so many little details to worry about. One mother told me that her nipples never looked the same again after breastfeeding."

Cassian resisted the urge to cringe at the thought of nipples peeling off Jyn's perfect breasts. "Well, you could just pump instead. Or you can formula feed. It's your body Jyn- I'm not going to tell you what to do."

Jyn squeezed his hand tightly, and leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek. "It's not like I would listen anyway."

Two nights later, Jyn was being led out the door of Cassian's apartment to go on their date. Cassian had been very secretive about what they would be doing, and Jyn was trying her best to play along and not be impatient.

"Trying her best" meant not asking every five minutes… only every 30 minutes.

Cassian had told her that it was okay to wear a dress, so she assumed that they couldn't be doing anything too athletic. Jyn had always hated wearing dresses, but now that she was pregnant with twins, dresses were a glorious relief. It was so much easier to slip a sundress over her head than struggle to keep balance while pulling pants on.

They drove for about ten minutes before pulling up in front of a tiny little shop with stickers almost completely covering the windows. Walking inside, Jyn was greeted with the scent of Mexican food. Her mouth watered.

Cassian grinned at her. Pressing his lips to her temple, he murmured, "There's a free salsa bar with unlimited chip refills."

Her stomach grumbled with enthusiasm. "Are you trying to seduce me?" Jyn whispered.

Cassian chuckled. "No, just a cheap date."

After they had placed their orders, they went to find a table. Jyn relished the feeling of Cassian's palm planted against her lower back. Even though they'd been having sex for a few months, the affection and protectiveness of that small gesture spoke volumes. Settling into a colorful booth, Jyn started, "I thought that we could go shopping for cribs this weekend-"

She glared at Cassian as he put a finger to her lips. He gently took her hand in his and squeezed it. "No talking about the babies tonight. Just us."

Jyn squeezed his hand back. It was so nice to feel heard. Taking a deep breath, she started again. "Okay. What's your favorite color?"

Cassian burst out laughing, shaking his head with a wide grin. "Blue is my favorite color. You?"

"Green."

"What's your best childhood memory?" The words slipped out of Cassian's mouth quickly, and Jyn could see he already regretted the question.

Jyn sucked in a breath. She tried her best to avoid thinking about her childhood at all. Cassian quietly murmured, "You don't have to answer. I shouldn't have asked."

She shook her head. "No, it's alright. I just haven't thought about it in a long time."

Squeezing his fingers, she smiled shakily. "When I was about five years old, Mama and Papa took me ice skating. It was my first time, and I kept falling and scraping my knees. Papa and Mama were so patient, they each held one of my hands while they taught me. After we were done, we went down the street and Papa bought me a huge banana split. I remember I kept laughing because he kept stealing the cherries off my sundae." She laughed a little. "I had completely forgotten about that until you asked me."

Cassian smiled at her fondly. After a few moments of silence, he hesitantly spoke. "We had so many frogs around my home in Mexico. I used to love to play with them. When they laid their eggs, I would go out and find the baby frogs. One day, Mama was on the phone with Tia Alicia in the kitchen, and I came in and dumped tons of baby frogs out on the kitchen floor. I had carried them all inside the house in my shirt. I remember Mama screamed, and I started to cry because I thought she was angry. Once she had recovered, she pulled me into her lap and told me she wasn't angry, just surprised. She gave me kisses and told me how proud she was that I was so curious."

Jyn quietly said, "She sounds so kind and patient. Like you."

Cassian's gaze softened. "She was. She was very gentle, and she sang beautifully. Papa once told me that he fell in love with her singing."

"What were their names?" Jyn asked.

"Papa's name was Hernan, and Mama's name was Lucia."

"I like those names," she softly admitted.

They carried on like that a bit longer, sharing happy memories from their childhoods and college years, until a comfortable silence settled over them. It was broken by a cheerful waitress carrying over a massive platter of soup, tacos, and chips. Jyn eagerly scarfed down a bowl of shrimp soup before digging into carnitas taco. She moaned loudly as she swallowed the fatty pork.

"This is so fucking good. It might be better than sex…" she glanced over at Cassian with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

"I'll have to bring you back here next time your insatiable appetite attempts to suck me dry," he quipped.

They munched on their food, the quiet between them punctuated by sounds of enjoyment, until Jyn had her fill. Cassian had given up on keeping pace with her appetite two months ago. Making their way out of the restaurant (and loaded down with little cups of free salsa that Jyn insisted on taking home), Jyn smiled up at Cassian.

"This was nice."

"It was."

"This is the first date that I've been on in… four years?"

That stopped Cassian in his tracks. "How?!"

Jyn looked down sheepishly. "I gave up on dating. Too much hassle, and I never felt like I got much out of it. I started picking up one-night stands at bars instead."

"If I had known this was your first date in that long, I would have picked something nicer…"

She grabbed his arm. "No, Cassian. This was perfect. Really. It's exactly what I wanted. Although there is one way you could improve it…"

He glanced down at her, eyebrow raised.

"Give me a foot rub when we get home?"

Pulling Jyn to him and pressing his lips to her temple, he murmured, "That could be arranged."

The next morning, Cassian got up early and surprised Jyn with breakfast in bed. While Jyn happily noshed on scrambled eggs and bacon, Cassian cautiously spoke.

"I was thinking we could give house hunting another shot today."

Jyn paused momentarily, then agreed. "Okay."

Cassian raised his eyebrows. "That's it? No argument?"

Jyn rolled her eyes. "I mean, we need to find a bigger place. I think that we should just go to neighborhoods that we like and look for houses for sale, instead of trying to find the perfect house on Zillow."

"That doesn't seem like a very efficient method of home-buying."

"Well, I mean, it's not like we made a lot of progress with your way of doing it. Let's just try it, and see what we find."

Relieved that Jyn was at least agreeing to look for a house, Cassian just nodded and hopped in the shower.

When they pulled out of the driveway of his duplex, Cassian wasn't really sure where to go. Jyn gave the utterly unhelpful directions of "Just drive". However, when they pulled into a neighborhood with a school and a playground, Jyn urged Cassian to park the car.

"Let's just get out and walk around."

Agreeing to Jyn's whim, Cassian pulled the car over. Linking hands, they strolled up the street.

"I never had anything like this growing up," she murmured.

Cassian squeezed her fingers, but waited for her to continue talking.

"After Mama died, Papa couldn't bear to be in our old house anymore. Instead, he moved us to live in the apartment complex that his friend Saw lived in. It wasn't a bad apartment, but it wasn't a place for children. There weren't other kids in the complex, and there wasn't a playground or anything like that. Saw was an environmental activist, so he would take me with him to protests to try to keep me entertained."

Cassian guffawed disbelievingly. "They thought that was what a young child needed?"

Jyn tensed next to him, and Cassian could immediately tell that he had said the wrong thing. "It's not like your aunt and uncle were much better, Cassian."

Jerking his hand out of hers, Cassian growled, "That was different. We were in a country suffering from dire economic inequality- "

"And we are in a country where chemical companies regularly pollute our waterways and create products that damage our planet!" Jyn snapped.

Fuming, each pointedly looked away from the other. Jyn sped up her pace, and Cassian didn't make an effort to keep up. When she was about 50 yards ahead of him, she stopped suddenly, and his heart leapt with worry for a moment- until he saw the "For Sale" sign staked in the front yard of the house she was looking at.

As he came closer, he saw that Jyn was grinning widely. "This is it, Cassian. This is the house I want."

Panting a little from his increased pace, Cassian protested, "Jyn, we haven't even looked at any other houses."

"This is the one I want."

"Why?" He couldn't keep the confusion out of his voice.

Jyn waved a sales pamphlet in his face. "Look… five bedrooms, a huge backyard, a finished basement, a little in-ground pool with fencing already built, a huge eat-in kitchen. It's the perfect home for our family."

Cassian's heart squeezed, and his previous anger melted away. How could he stay angry at Jyn when she reminded him that she was giving him what he wanted most? Wrapping an arm tightly around her waist, he splayed his fingers against the side of her belly.

"When's the open house?"

Jyn shook her head. "We should knock on the door, ask if we can look around."

Cassian tensed nervously. "I don't think they'd appreciate us barging in…."

"I have a good feeling about this, Cassian. Mama always told me to trust my gut feelings."

Cassian's introverted side protested, but his love for Jyn won out. So he found himself standing next to Jyn on the front stoop, arm wrapped around her waist, nervously waiting for the homeowners to come to the door.

When Jyn stepped into the house, her heart leaped. A tall woman with thick, dark hair had answered the door and immediately invited them in. As the woman introduced herself to Cassian, Jyn looked around in wonder. Her gut hadn't been wrong- this was the perfect house. The entryway was wide and spacious, with an office space to either side and a pathway directly to the kitchen. She felt one of the babies flutter in her stomach, and smiled at the thought of their children chasing each other through the halls.

"When are you due?" the woman asked softly.

Cassian cleared his throat. "Michelle, the babies are due in November. A little over halfway there!"

Jyn smiled at him, relieved that he recognized she hadn't been paying attention to the introductions. "We're very excited, but our apartments will definitely be too small for the four of us!"

Michelle smiled. "Our children are out at a baseball game with my wife this morning, but I can tell you- they love this house. If we didn't have to move for my job, then we would stay here until the kids all went off to college!"

Jyn chatted easily with Michelle as they toured the house. With each room, she fell more in love. Glancing at Cassian occasionally, she could tell he was equally enamored. She resisted the urge to smirk smugly at him.

When they wrapped up the tour, Michelle poured them glasses of lemonade in the kitchen.

"I'll be honest… we've gotten a LOT of offers for this house. But I really like you both, and I really think you two would be the perfect owners for this house. How interested are you?"

Cassian spoke before Jyn could. "We love it."

Jyn's lips twitched up softly- she loved that they could read each other well enough to communicate without speaking.

"If you put in a competitive offer in the next three days, the house is yours."

Cassian's eyebrows raised. Ever the pragmatist, he asked, "By competitive, you mean…?"

Michelle laughed, "A reasonable offer. Not necessarily the highest, but something on par with other offers we've received."

Cassian nodded. "We'll talk tonight, and hopefully have an offer for you soon."

They chatted about the babies and their careers for a few more minutes, before Michelle received a call from work, and Jyn and Cassian made their excuses to leave.

As they got back into Cassian's car, Jyn raised her eyebrows at him significantly, a smirk tugging at her lips.

Shooting her a glare, Cassian muttered, "You were right… and that's the only time I'm saying that."

Sporting a self-satisfied grin, Jyn muttered, "That's what you say now," as Cassian started the car.