1. Remember Death
Trauma one we're arriving with a 37-year-old police officer suffering a open pneumothorax from a 9mm GSW to the chest. Heart rate is 120, respiratory rate is 40, and blood pressure is 90 over 60.
The Calhoun's ,Jessie Lynn and Travis Lee, were well known to the Possum Holler police department. The neighbors called the police on them at least once a week. The morning Rick got shot, they were arguing in an alley behind Gold's Pharmacy. Rick had gone inside the pharmacy to use the bathroom and get a bottle of water, and upon coming out he'd seen the couple screaming in the alley, and it didn't take long for their verbal screaming match to turn into a physical one.
Travis Lee had grown sick of trying to use words and reasoning with his wife, so instead he decided to solve things with his hands. He began choking his wife. Jessie Lynn scratched at his face to stop him, but it was like he didn't even feel it.
"Let her go Travis." Rick said calmly as he made his way over toward the young man. "I know that you really don't want to hurt her." He knew that Travis Lee had a hair-trigger temper, and as long as Jessie Lynn was still in danger he didn't want to set him off.
"Fuck you!" Travis Lee yelled and shoved his wife to the ground. He reached down into the waistband of his jeans and pulled out a gun.
Rick did not remember getting shot, just the split second before the gun went off, and then there was a bang like a firecracker going off in is head, and the next thing he knew he was lying on the ground. Everything that happened directly afterwards was very vivid like he was watching his life happening in slow motion. His ears were ringing. He could hear people screaming. A car, probably Travis Lee's, had peeled out of the parking lot. Someone kept shouting his name. The ambulance's siren was distantly wailing its way towards him.
"Just stay with us Rick help is on the way." A voice called to him. The disembodied voice sounded as if it were standing over a hole and shouting down to him.
Rick's whole body was burning like lava. He grabbed at his chest where the majority of the pain was coming from and felt something wet and sticky. When he pulled his hand away from his chest it was covered in blood. His blood. That's when he began to panic, the insane reality that he'd been shot just sank in. and he had blacked out.
When Rick came to a face was peering down at him. "My name is Mary, I'm a flight medic, and I'm going to take care of you."
"Wher-"
"You're in a helicopter, Possum Holler doesn't have a trauma center so were flying you into Atlanta."
Helicopter? Trauma center? Oh god I'm dying Rick thought. Something that felt like many cold hands was pulling him down. Pulling him towards a rich rolling blackness that enveloped him so that the outside world cease to exist. There was just the rolling darkness that had swallowed him up . He felt weak and cold, but at least he wasn't feeling pain anymore. More than anything he wanted to fall into the emptiness of the dark space he was in, maybe Lori was there as well, and they could be together again. Then Carl and Judith's faces flashed before his eyes, and every single detail of their faces was so exact that it was if they were in the Helicopter with him. Rick's eyes flew open, if he wanted to see his children again he knew he had to fight.
"That's right sweetie fight! You come back to us." The flight medic said.
"My kids ." Rick wheezed.
"Sssh sweetie I'm sure your kids are being well taken care of."
"I want Michonne take my kids." Rick persisted before he had to give into his injury and leave his life in the hands of total strangers.
The helicopter descended on to the hospital's helipad, and Rick's stretcher was lifted out of the helicopter, his hair and clothes rippled in the breeze the helicopter was creating. Rick had always hated hospitals, and he hated doctors even more, but as a team of doctors came out to meet Rick it was suddenly one of the most beautiful sights he'd ever seen.
"You're a very lucky man Rick." said Dr. Nickles the surgeon who'd overseen his operation. "There was a nurse at the scene of your shooting. She treated you before the EMT's could arrive, and if she hadn't you might not be here."
"What happened?"
"You came in with an open pneumothorax, that's just a dressed up word for sucking chest wound."
Rick winced.
"After a pericardiocentesis, We took you directly to the OR found the bullet and repaired the damaged it caused."
"My children where are they?"Rick noticed his voice sounded deep and gravelly to his ears, like he'd just got done smoking hundreds of packs of cigarettes.
"On their way here. You're friend Shane is driving them to Atlanta."
Rick brightened up. "Shane was here?"
"Yeah he told us you two grew up together."
"We did, and we joined the police academy together. He's my children's godfather."
"He told us."
"Did you get a hold of Michonne? She's staying with my children."
"Yes she's coming here with your children.
Now that he knew his children and Michonne were OK, he decided to ask about his voice. "What's wrong with my throat?"
"Does it hurt?" Dr. Nickles asked.
Rick nodded.
"You were intubated and the ET tube often irritates, but you should get your voice back with in a couple of days." After checking Rick's vitals and explaining his prognosis Dr. Nickles left. Rick turned on the TV, but he couldn't shake that unnerving feeling that he had almost died. Dying was one of those things that you knew what it was once it was happening to you. Rick now knew that you could exist in a place that was frighteningly in between life and death. Rick wondered where he would have gone if he decided not to fight? Was there a heaven or a hell ? Or did you only get one chance?
What would happen to Carl and Judith if he had died? He and Lori head left their children with Shane, but could Shane really take care of two kids? Perhaps not, but one thing he knew he didn't want Carl living with his father. Rick's father lived by two rules. Spare the rod spoil the child, and Early to bed and early to rise. He'd take Carl back to his horse farm in Kentucky and work him sun up til sun down on the farm, because hard labor is what made a man a man. Judith would be married and pregnant even before she graduated high school if she went to live with his father.
Lori's parents would not have the time. Children would impede their jet-setting life style. Now that they were both retired Lori's parents spent their time going on cruises. It was a life style they had long grown accustom to, they would not change their life even for Lori's children. Lori's parents had never thought Rick was good enough. Lori's parents blamed Rick for their daughter's death, and he could hardly fault them when he still blamed himself.
"You can't keep beating yourself up or thinking what if. You'll never be able to move forward if you don't and that's not healthy for you or your children."
That's what Michonne had told him. It was perfect advice but it was not easy to follow. He knew that like him Michonne was blaming herself, but Michonne was blaming herself or circumstances that were beyond her control. Rick would never fully be able to convince himself that he couldn't have prevented Lori's death some how, but even so Michonne was right. She was not only right, but she was here right now with him and his children just like a family.
2
Normally Carl was excited whenever he went into the city. There was so much to see and do in Atlanta, but today he didn't notice the city as it rushed by him on the way to the hospital. The thoughts in his head canceled out all the other noise around him. He just stared ahead trying to breathe as normally as possible, but his chest felt like it was constricting. Shane had the air on in the car, but it still felt too hot, the air too stale.
"Carl are you all right?" Ms. Mitchell asked Her eyebrows were knitted with concern. All he could think of was his father lying on a hospital bed with a bullet in him.
"Carl?"
"Just leave him alone." He heard Shane say to Ms. Mitchell
His mother's funeral had been on a sunny day. Most of Possum Holler had shown up for it. Carl wished that it could have just been family. It seemed a hollow gesture to him, for them to show up. He still felt bitterness towards the town for talking about his mother behind her back and after her death.
That bitterness had stayed with him until he saw his mom's mother. She was crying so had that his grandfather and father had to hold her up. Then others at the funeral were crying real tears. His dad grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
When they got home after the funeral the house felt so wrong. It didn't look the same either. Carl realized that his mother's love for them all had made their house a home, but she was gone forever, and he would never have that kind of love again.
Carl did not want to sleep in his room by himself, his mother always kissed him good night, but tonight was the first time she wouldn't. When he was younger Carl had argued that he was too old for good night kisses, but the night of the funeral, he couldn't sleep in his bed knowing he wouldn't receive one. He even thought of sleeping on the floor in Jude's room. In the end he ended up sleeping in the living room with his father and Jude. The three of them had camped out and watched movies all night long.
Carl lifted his face into the sun and let it burn him and that memory for a moment.
"Here we are." Shane said pulling up to the hospital. He found a parking space, and once he'd parked took Judith for her car seat.
Carl got out of the car and his knees still felt weak, so he leaned of the car door for a moment to steady himself. He tried not to look at the ambulances, he hated them.
Ms. Mitchell took his hand and Carl didn't pull away, and that's how they entered the hospital. Carl knew he was squeezing Ms. Mitchell's hand too tight, but he felt like he was going to pass out and vomit. If Ms. Mitchell let go of his hand he would run, he would run right out of the hospital, down the street, and keep on running until he could get away from this all. Perhaps she knew and that's why she was holding his hand. He was convinced that his father was going to die.
Shane talked to the nurse at the admittance desk who explained that his father was still in surgery, and then gave them face mask to wear even Jude. It was a new hospital procedure issued by the CDC. Jude did not want to wear her face mask and cried every time Carl put in on her, until he drew a cat nose and whiskers on it and made kitty ears from post-it notes for Jude to stick on her headband. Both Ms. Mitchell and the nurse looked at Carl as if he' was the second coming.
"Come with me." The nurse said still smiling at Carl, and ushered them into a private room to wait.
laid a blanket on the floor and played with Judith while Shane paced back and forth.
"I'm gonna go find out bout this shootin, strong-arm em if they don't give me the answers I want."
"He won't do anything crazy will he?" Michonne asked as she stared at his retreating back.
"No he'll just intimidate them. He's good at making people talk. When I was younger and I did something really bad, my mom would call Shane over to get me to confess."
Not more than twenty minutes had passed before Shane came back into their waiting room with a smug grin stretched across his face. "Flashed my badge and got em to talk." He smiled at Carl. "They're gonna let you see yo daddy."
"Thanks Shane."
"No problem."
"Well now that all of that's taken care of why don't we go get some lunch." Ms. Mitchell said.
Carl didn't feel much like eating, but he figured that Shane and Ms. Mitchell would be easier to deal with if he ate something. Shane payed for the food and their little group found a table by one of the TV's showing cartoons. Ms. Mitchell strapped Jude in her high chair and cut up her food for her.
"Yer real good with her." Shane noted.
"Thank you. My first job was teaching at a pre-school, and then I taught kindergarten, I really love working with Judith's age group, not that I don't love teaching teenagers as well."
"I wouldn't, shit I was hell on wheels growing up, I'm still apologizing to mah daddy fer mah teenaged years." Shane said.
"What about my dad?" Carl asked. "What was he like?"
"Let me tell you something yer father was one wild goofy sum of a bitch. Did I ever tell you his nickname at the police academy?" Shane asked. "Yo daddy was skinnier back then than he is now. The smallest academy issued sweats was big on him, Shane grinned, everyone called him dumpy cuz his sweats were so big he always looked like he took a dump in em."
"I never knew that." Carl snickered.
"Course you didn't, you think yo daddy really wants you ta know he useta be called dumpy? First time doin the obstacle course Rick got to the wall, an his sweats fell down around his ankles, but Rick just kicked them off underwear and all , then finished the obstacle near the top of the class."
Carl burst out laughing, but at the same time the thought of his dad's pale ass hanging out disturbed him.
"Once he broke out in the middle of the night and got us all chilli dogs and fries from this diner we were all crazy about." That's how they passed the time waiting for the surgery to be over. Shane had a million stories to tell about his dad, about the police academy, and about when his parents dated. Carl loved every one of those stories. Shane made his father seem like a human, he couldn't believe some of the things that his dad had done! He'd stolen his father's motorcycle and ridden it cross country, or once his dad and Shane had smoked weed they'd taken from the evidence room. His father jumped on him for everything, but he'd never done half of the things his father did. As they walked back to the waiting room Carl wondered why parents felt the need to act perfect, rather than just admit they made mistakes. A question like that hardly seem to matter now, given the choice between a flawed father or no father at all.
By the time his father's surgery had finished, and he got out of post-op, Judith had fallen asleep. Ms. Mitchell made her a bed on the chairs. That made Carl happy, because as much as he loved his little sister, he wasn't in the right frame of mind to look after her. Since Judith was so young she wasn't allowed in their father's room so Ms. Mitchell and Shane stayed behind to look after Jude, and give him time alone with his father..
Carl was both relieved and frightened when he saw his father. Relieved because he was alive, but frightened by all the tubes and machines that surrounded him. He had never seen his father sick, let alone in the hospital. His father seemed so vulnerable and the machines seemed to be an ugly reminder that he could still die.
"I"m OK Carl, come here." His father said and Carl went over to his bed. His voice sounded about two octaves lower than what he was used to hearing. His father hugged him gingerly, and Carl leaned into the hug. He was afraid if he hugged his father back, he might hurt him or pull out a wire. "I don't recommend getting shot it hurts like hell."
Carl gave a shaky laugh. "Are you in pain now?" He felt absurd talking to his father through a mask.
"They've got me on drugs so the pain is kind of hazy."
Carl sat in the chair that had been placed next to his dad's bed. "Who shot you?"
"It doesn't matter"
"It does matter! That fucking asshole almost killed you!"
"Carl!"
Carl leaned forward in his seat. "They shot you dad! You could have died!" Carl felt his last ounce of resolve evaporate and he started crying. He hated the sound of his tears. They sounded stupid and childish to him. Sometimes he felt so old, but whenever anything real happened to him he felt like a child again. He was older but he still had no real power in the world.
"You're right he could have killed me, his dad said closing his eyes and sounding suddenly tired, but he didn't. I survived and that's all that matters right now. I not going to live forever Carl, but I promise you I'll do whatever it takes to stay around as long as I can. I love you"
"I was scared." Carl admitted. "I was so scared."
"I was too, but I saw your face and I saw Judith's face and I knew I couldn't give up." His father cupped the back of his head. Where''s Judith?"
"They wouldn't let her come to see you because of that Cadere virus or whatever, that's why I have this face mask on."
"Really? I thought it was the new style."
Carl usually found his dad's humor corny as hell, but today he was just glad that his dad was around to make corny jokes.
"Everyone is wearing face masks it's weird."
"Things will be back to normal soon enough, how is Jude holding up?"
"Good, Ms. Mitchell has been looking after her, Shane's mostly been trying to find out about the shooting"
"Michonne's here?"
"Yeah, Shane drove us all down here. I think they told you , but you probably forgot."
"I don't remember much." His father admitted and then closed his eyes again.
"Dad?" Carl called but there was no sound from him. "Dad?" Carl called again in alarm, and rose quickly out of his seat. His father's eyes were shut and his mouth slack, Carl couldn't see his chest rising or falling. He started for the door ready to grab the nearest nurse, but then he heard his father snoring and sighed in relief.
Carl could not tell his dad how since his mother had died that he worried about him dying all the time. He couldn't tell his father how he listened to the police scanner all night just in case, or how he had picked out outfits for him and Judith to wear to his funeral. His father would think he was crazy, at times Carl was convinced he was and he didn't want it confirmed by anyone else.
"How is he?" Ms. Mitchell asked Carl as soon as he came back into the room.
"He's sleeping but he seems OK."
"Good, Shane said, now listen me an Michonne was talkin while you was gone an' ya'll are gonna have to stay here in Atlanta fer awhile, but I can't look after you and yer sister cuz I gotta work, so Michonne is gonna stay down here an' look after ya until ya'll can go back home."
"What about your job Ms. Mitchell?"
"I've worked it out, since it was the last week of school they were understanding. Later on Shane is going to drive us back to Possum Holler so we can get more of our belongings."
Shane clapped Carl on the back and nearly knocked him down. "The time will fly by you'll see." Shane said. "Tomorrow I'll take ya'll to the aquarium."
Shane's house was in a recently built suburb. Each house was huge with manicured lawns and huge two car garages. All of Shane's furniture had a sleek modern look to it, and all of his appliances and electronics were state of the art. His own home was half the size of Shane's and nothing they owned whether it was an appliance or something electronic was new, but he missed his home all the same.
"C'mon I show ya'll to yer rooms." Shane said.
Carl's room was red and black and decorated in Atlanta Falcon's gear. He didn't even bother to take off his clothes or brush his teeth, he just kicked off his shoes and crawled under the sheets. He took his cell phone from his pocket, his voice mail box was full, and he had more text then he cared to think about right now. He knew his friends were worried about him, but they would have to wait, sleep came first.
His summer was not going as planned, but in the grand scheme of things he was just glad that his father was alive. He was glad that he had decided to stop being angry at his father. If his father had died and he was still angry at him what good would that have done? He still would have had his anger, but he wouldn't have had his mother or his father. He wouldn't of have had a father that loved him and his sister so much that he risked his life everyday just to provide for them.
3
Michonne stood quietly in the doorway of Rick's hospital room. It took her a couple of minutes, but finally she worked up the courage to walk softly to his bedside. He looked pale and drugged, but his glassy eyes focused on her.
"How are you feeling?" She asked struggling not to burst into tears at the sight of him lying there looking so helpless.
"Like I got shot." He said
"Rick I'm so sorry." Michonne said. She had been here before so many times. Standing at the bedside of Co-workers and students all in various forms of recovery. All of it felt awfully overwhelming, the sounds, the smells, the feeling of death that lingered in hospitals. She hated all of it, but for Rick she would endure.
"I'm OK don't cry."
"Oh Rick."
Rick reached up and wiped Michonne's tears away. "I'm not going anywhere."
Michonne sniffed away her tears. "I brought you some things from your house. Clean clothes, toiletries, and a book from your nightstand, you had a bookmark in it, so I thought you'd been reading it."
"I was. Thank you Michonne for everything. Carl told me how you've been taking care of Jude."
"She's a sweet as she can be." Michonne said. "I don't know what to tell her when she asks for you."
"Being persistent is she? Well she gets it from Lori, but don't worry tomorrow I'm changing rooms and Jude will be able to visit then."
"For as long as you need to be here I'm staying." Michonne said. "I've already worked it out with the school and Shane."
"I don't know what I did to deserve you, but whatever it was I'm thankful for."
Michonne held Rick's hand and squeezed it. "We've gotten off to a very rough start haven't we?"
"Yet here you are, and that's all that matters."
"Of course I'm here Rick."
"Michonne, can I ask you something serious?"
"You can ask me anything."
"Di-did your life flash before your eyes?" Rick asked. "Sorry to ask it's just I-
"I don't know if it flashed before my eyes, but everything slowed down and it was like I had time to think about every little minute detail of my life."
"I think I almost died, but then I saw my children,and I don't know I came back."
"It changes you." Michonne said. "Facing your mortality changes you. It's like you've opened a door into a room you were never supposed to see."
"I just wish I could stop thinking about it, now I know what they mean when they say close to death."
"There will come a time when you don't really think about it at all." Michonne said.
"Really, when is that?"
Michonne shivered. She still didn't know. "Shane wanted to see you. I shouldn't take up all of your time, but Rick I'm so glad you're all right." She got up from her chair and bent down to give Rick a soft kiss on the lips.
While Shane visited with Rick Michonne took Carl and Judith to the cafeteria both of them had healthy appetites but Michonne could hardly eat her food, her stomach was too upset. She felt like she couldn't sit still and everything was closing in on her. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing. There were no guns here. Rick would be OK. Everyone was OK. Everyone was safe. Once again a gun had torn her whole world asunder. Carl kept looking at her during the meal, and she could tell he was not fooled by the brave front she was trying to put on.
"Excuse me." Michonne said. Rushing to the bathroom she locked herself in a stall and threw up, and slid shakily to the ground. Her breath was coming faster and faster, and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't catch it. How long was she going to be like this? How long would she feel like the world had sharp teeth and it wanted to take a very big bite out of her?
"Michonne you in here? Everything OK?" Shane's voice called.
Michonne slowly unlocked the stall door and stepped out.
"Carl was worried about ya, didn't mean to barge in but I just wanted to check on ya."
"I'm OK."
"No yer not, if this is too much say the word and I'll drive you home."
"I just can't seem to get away from violence." Michonne said.
"Neither can I, but that's my job it must be different for you."
"How long have you been a homicide detective?"
"Going on twelve years now, so I know the toll these kind of things can take on a person. I mean it if you need to get away just say the word."
"Thank you but I'll be fine." She knew that she would probably feel this way until Rick was back in Possum Holler safe and sound. "We should get back to Carl and Judith, we don't want them to worry."
True to his word Shane took them to the Georgia Aquarium after their visit with Rick. It was a wonderful distraction for Carl and especially Judith. . She pressed her face close to the glass and oohed over the fishes. She squealed with delight at the playful dolphins. Everything seemed to amaze her more than the last thing, and some times watching Judith was more entertaining than the fish. Carl read up on everything he came across. He loved to learn and that was one of the things she respected most about him. Michonne felt more relaxed among the colorful swaying fish, and by the time they left she felt completely relaxed. Things were going to be all right now that they were all together.
Shane took Carl and Judith to the gift shop and spent a ridiculous amount of money on stuffed toys, t-shirts, and other trinkets for the both of them. After the aquarium Shane took them all out to dinner.
"Thanks so much for doing this for them they needed it."Michonne told Shane.
"I don't mind, they're like my kids. Ya know I was there when Carl was born, shit I can still remember holding him in my arms."
"He's a really good kid and Judith is so smart."
"They like you, Carl's been down in the mouth eva since his momma died, and this is the happiest I've seen him in a long while."
"I'm happy to help."
"Me too, Rick is like a brother to me there ain't nothin I wouldn't do fer him."
"I'm glad he has such a good friend looking out for him."
"Think he's happier to have you lookin after him, yer much prettier than I am."
"I've only just started seeing Rick, we're talking things slow given everything that's happened."
"I think that's smart it's gonna take sometime for him to work through some shit, but Rick's worth it ."
The next morning everyone got up early. Judith was finally allowed to see her dad and they wanted to get to the hospital as soon as visiting hours were open. Shane had still had not had a chance to drive them back to Possum Holler, so Michonne brought a brand new outfit for Judith to wear.
"I can't wait to see her face when she finally sees dad." Carl said.
Carl was in a much better mood now that his sister was going to be allowed to see their father. In fact everyone was in a better mood now that Rick had made it through the worst of his injury. Michonne felt more at ease in the hospital not having to worry so much. Worrying was all she had done since she found out that Rick had been shot. Now she could focus on taking care of everyone instead of just trying to keep everyone sane.
Rick had been moved to the third floor and his room was much bigger than the last one he'd been in.
"I'll go get some coffee and donuts, why don't the three of ya'll catch up." Shane said to Michonne outside the door of Rick's room.
"Thanks."
"Daddy!" Judith cried out when she spotted her father. Michonne set Judith down and she ran across the room to her father's bed.
"Hey, hey Jude." Rick called.
Michonne sat her on the bed and Rick hugged her tight as he could.
"Daddy missed you so much, did you miss me?"
"Oh yes." Judith said seriously and nodded. "Yes daddy"
"It's nice to know that I was missed." Rick said. "By everyone." He looked at his daughter and then his son, and finally his eyes caught hers. He smiled at Michonne and she smiled back. "Come sit up here Carl, you too Michonne there's room for all of us. Tell me all about the aquarium.
It was funny whenever the four of them were alone together it felt right, perhaps it was too soon for them to feel like a family, but they were all broken people healing together, and in doing so they'd formed a bond, and that bond made so that they belonged together.