Chapter 11

Jyn was sitting in an airy lobby, surrounded by windows, filling out one of the oddest questionnaires she had ever encountered. She had only been to a therapist's office once before- back in her freshman year of college after her advisor mandated that she go to sessions at the counseling center to discuss the loss of her father.

What are your greatest fears? What triggers your anxiety? How do you feel about intense physical exercise? Can you do a handstand?

The list went on and on. Jyn considered herself to be quite fit, but didn't think a lot of the activities named in Dr. Yoda's survey were possible for her in her current stage of pregnancy. At 24 weeks, she decidedly looked like someone had stuffed a watermelon under her shirt. Cassian was constantly reassuring her that he still found her incredibly beautiful, and he was always eager for sex, but Jyn couldn't help feeling uncomfortable in her own skin. Her feet and ankles were swelling to the point that running was difficult, and stretch marks were starting to emerge in red stripes across her belly. She felt like her body was no longer hers, and for someone who took pride in her autonomy, that was a tough pill to swallow.

Jyn was chewing absentmindedly on her fingernails when a wizened old man with a scoliosis slump and large ears came through the door. He smiled at her mysteriously.

"Dr. Erso, you are?" he croaked out. Jyn nodded slowly, unsure of how to respond to his odd syntax. He waved his hand at her. "Come. Much to learn, we have."

Jyn stood up wordlessly, and Dr. Yoda took the clipboard from her hand as she entered a small office with a fireplace crackling in the corner. Jyn raised her eyebrows. It was the middle of August in North Carolina, and Jyn had been practically dying of heat exhaustion in her apartment.

Seeing Jyn glance at the fireplace, Dr. Yoda said, "Not here for very long. Our learning, we do outside."

Jyn grimaced. She wasn't sure if that was supposed to be reassurance.

She sat quietly while Dr. Yoda perused through her recently completed questionnaire. When he was done, he looked up. "Yes, your first mission, I have."

"Mission?" Jyn repeated.

"Come," said Dr. Yoda. "Go for a ride, we will."

Jyn balked. "I never ride in cars with people I don't know"

Yoda looked at her carefully. "Yes, you have fear. Overcome that, you must. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering for you, and suffering for the ones you love. Learn to trust, you must."

Jyn bit her lip. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. Thought of Cassian and the babies. She was doing this for them. She nodded, following Dr. Yoda out of the office to the parking lot. When they arrived at his car, Jyn nearly groaned in frustration. Dr. Yoda drove a smart car. Because of course he did. Why couldn't it have been a Suburban, or a Humvee? Hands shaking, she slowly got into the car and buckled herself in. Dr. Yoda said nothing as he started the car and pulled out into the street. When they arrived at the first stop light, he finally spoke.

"In your past, your traumas are. Talk about them, we will. Talking will not help you overcome all your fears. Learn to manage them, you must."

Jyn's hands were trembling. Dr. Yoda continued, "Be present in this moment, you must. Do not relive the trauma."

Jyn hissed, trying to hold back from snapping at the doctor.

"Dr. Erso, what are five things that you see around you right now?"

Darting her eyes around, trying to keep tears at bay, Jyn forced herself to look at her surroundings from the window. Pulling in a shuddering breath, she started. "I see… an oak tree."

Dr. Yoda nodded, gestured for her to continue.

Pulling in another breath, Jyn resumed, "I see a mother walking with her dog and her daughter. I see a cat running into the sewer grate on the curb." Eyes roving around the scenery passing by the car window, she noticed that her breathing was beginning to calm. "I see yellow apartments with blue doors. And I see an elementary school."

Dr. Yoda tipped his head approvingly. "Now, roll down the window, and tell me five things you can hear."

They continued with this exercise for 45 minutes, Dr. Yoda driving around, Jyn observing her surroundings. To her great surprise, the technique actually worked. By the end of the drive, her hands were no longer shaking, and the tension had left her body. When they pulled back into the parking lot, Jyn calmly opened the door and stepped out of the car. Nodding approvingly, Dr. Yoda said, "See you next week, I will."

Jyn made her way to where Cassian was parked, waiting to pick her up. When she opened the passenger door, he smiled up at her.

"How did it go today?"

Drawing in a shaky breath, she squeezed Cassian's hand. "It was hard. But I think that I can get better."

Pulling her hand close to him, Cassian pressed a kiss to her knuckles. "I know you can. You're the strongest person I know."

Swallowing back the lump in her throat, Jyn set her gaze determinedly ahead, trying not to cry at the overwhelming emotions inside of her. She felt Cassian squeeze her fingers reassuringly before pulling out of his parking space and starting to drive. Feeling her heart rate pick up, Jyn began to practice Dr. Yoda's exercises once again. When they arrived home, she felt calmer than she had in a long time.

The next day, Jyn and Bodhi were sitting in the staff lounge, enjoying a quiet lunch break. Jyn had given up her and Bodhi's traditional lunch break meal of Mexican food- her heartburn was aggravated too much by spicy food. Instead, she was eating a sandwich that Cassian had packed for her the night before. While she nibbled at it, Bodhi looked over at her curiously.

"Isn't Cassian's birthday on Saturday?"

Jyn grunted, then mumbled, "Don't remind me."

"What are you doing for it?'

She shook her head in frustration. "I have no idea. I'm horrible at birthday presents."

Bodhi grinned mischievously. "I think I know what you could give him…" He wiggled his hips suggestively.

Jyn rolled her eyes. "We already have sex like… five times a week."

Bodhi glanced at her significantly. "Is there anything he really wants that you haven't given him before?"

Jyn was silent in thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. I guess I could ask him tonight."

Bodhi nodded encouragingly. "Also, I overheard him talking to Kay the other day. He really wants that new onychopathology text that came out."

Grinning widely, Jyn leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Bodhi's cheek. "You're the best- I don't know what I would do without you."

Blushing at the attention, Bodhi muttered, "It's no problem- this is what friends are for."

That night, Jyn and Cassian were cuddling in bed, Cassian's face pressed against her stomach. He was quietly talking to the babies while Jyn ran her fingers through his thick locks.

"Ya te amo, mis amores. No puedo esperar a conocerlos."

He looked up at Jyn, eyes shining. "How can I love them so much when I haven't met them yet?"

Jyn shook her head. "I don't know. But I feel the same way."

Cassian pressed an open palm to her belly, and Jyn sucked in a breath as one of the babies kicked back at its father's hand. Cassian swung his head towards Jyn, a disbelieving expression on his face. Jyn looked at him quizzically.

"I… I just felt one of them kick!" He let out a sharp laugh, mouth quirked up to one side. He shifted his hand over, pressing his palm lower on her stomach. Jyn puffed out a breath when one of the babies pattered its feet against the press of Cassian's hand.

Cassian smiled with delight. Air caught in Jyn's lungs. She had never felt so happy, and though she didn't quite have the courage to say it yet, she thought that she might be able to admit it eventually.

"Hurry up, Jyn! We said we'd be at Shara and Kes's place at 6:30."

Jyn rolled her eyes. "Cassian, it only takes 10 minutes to get there. It's 6:10. We'll be fine."

She watched as Cassian's jaw tightened, and she could almost hear him counting to ten in his head. "You know that I like to be early. Plus, it definitely takes longer than ten minutes to get there."

When Shara had casually mentioned that they needed a babysitter for Poe, Cassian was ridiculously eager to volunteer. Jyn felt a little more unsure. In theory, she knew all the mechanics of infants, but being left alone to nurture one? That was new territory for her. Fortunately, she had Cassian's hovering presence to compensate for any potential emotional neglect on her part. He had been reading up on everything about infant development to fully prepare himself for his babysitting duties, and Kay had taken to acting out various activities that would be "appropriately engaging and mentally stimulating for a young infant."

Tugging her hair into a ponytail, Jyn indicated that she was ready to go. As they drove over to Shara and Kes's house, Jyn treated Cassian to a special rendition of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" that had him cringing while trying to hold back laughter.

Jyn had completed her second appointment with Dr. Yoda the previous day, and she was already feeling a shift in her approach to what scared her. Instead of reflecting on what could happen, she was slowly learning the art of anchoring herself in a moment. Grinning brightly at Cassian, she took his hand in hers and kissed his fingertips. He shot a bright, affectionate grin back at her, never taking his eyes off the road.

Quietly, he murmured, "I'm so proud of you, Jyn."

Blushing, she squeezed his hand in response. She was spared from having to formulate a verbal response by their arrival in the Damerons' driveway at 6:32 PM. Seeing Jyn's quick glance at the clock, Cassian smirked. "I told you."

"It's just because you drive like a grandma."

Rolling his eyes, Cassian followed her inside.

Walking into their friends' home, they were immediately greeted by a wailing Poe. Jyn tensed. She knew that sound anywhere- the sound of a baby in pain. A harried looking Shara bustled out into the entry hall.

"I'm so sorry, guys. You've caught him on a REALLY bad day. He's teething, he's refusing to go down for a nap, and he won't use the teething ring I got him. It's been like this all day long."

Jyn grinned tightly. "Well, I'm a pediatrician- I'm sure I can dig up a few tricks from residency to help get him settled down."

Kes came downstairs at that moment. "Shara, I think that we should head out before our unwilling victims wise up to our scheme."

Shara swatted at Kes. "There is breast milk in the fridge, and the bottle warmer is next to the stove. There should be plenty of clean bottles for him, but I doubt he'll be hungry for a while- he just nursed 30 minutes ago. All of his other stuff is up in his room. If you have any questions, just shoot me or Kes a text. Thank you SO much- we haven't been able to go out by ourselves in months."

Kes nodded fervently. He and Shara pressed kisses to Poe's head and passed him off to Cassian. Jyn schooled her expression as Cassian cringed at the increased volume of Poe's wails. As soon as the door shut behind their friends, Jyn held out her hands and took Poe from Cassian. Cuddling him to her chest, she gently bounced him around in her arms. Turning to Cassian, she requested that he get an ice cube from the freezer. When Cassian returned, Jyn gently slipped the cube into the baby's mouth, rubbing it against his swollen gums.

After a few minutes of this attention, Poe's cries slowly quieted. Cassian stared at Jyn in amazement. "That was all it took?"

Jyn nodded calmly. "Some babies don't like the taste of the plastic on the teething rings. Poe might be one of them."

Jyn continued to sway back in forth with Poe, and smiled gently as his lashes fluttered shut. He had exhausted himself from crying so much. Cassian came up behind Jyn, gently stroked his fingers against the baby's curly locks.

"You're so natural with him," he murmured quietly.

Jyn grinned. "Yeah, well, pediatric residency did teach me a few things."

"Do we want to put him in his crib?" Cassian whispered.

Jyn looked at the baby affectionately. "No, I just want to hold him for a while. He won't be this tiny for very long."

Cassian nodded with understanding, and they settled in on the couch to watch a movie together.

About halfway through the movie, Poe was still sleeping, so Jyn was surprised when Cassian paused it. She raised her eyebrows at him questioningly.

"You make this look so easy- why are you so worried about whether or not you'll be a good mother?"

Jyn inhaled sharply. She and Cassian had discussed at length why the emotional vulnerability of parenthood frightened her, but she had never vocalized her misgivings about her own ability to be a parent. Tenderly fingering Poe's wispy, dark curls, she watched the baby's peaceful expression for a time before speaking.

"I know how to take care of children. Pediatrics residency thoroughly prepared me for that. I'm not scared of changing diapers, knowing how much and when to feed them, caring for them when they're sick. That stuff is the easy stuff. What scares me is the stuff they don't teach you in parenting classes or in medical school. How do we raise these babies to be good people? I don't want my cynicism to bleed through into their lives and taint their perception of the world."

Cassian nodded with understanding, lost in thought. After a pregnant pause, he slowly started. "I think that we just have to work hard to make the world a better place for them, and teach them to follow our example."

Jyn snorted. "You make it sound so simple."

Cassian absentmindedly stroked Poe's foot with one of his fingers. "I don't think it will be simple. But it will be worth it."

Jyn scooted towards him and rested her head on his shoulder. She passed Poe to Cassian, who awkwardly fidgeted trying to adjust the baby in his arms. Just as the three of them got settled in, the front door opened.

"Ugh, Andor! Don't scar my baby with all your lovey-dovey PDA!" Kes cried.

Shara swatted at his shoulder. "Well it looks like he certainly settled down with you two. Did you slip some Benadryl in his milk?"

Jyn laughed. "Nah, just used an old trick I learned from one of my attendings during residency."

Passing the sleeping infant back to Shara, Cassian wrapped an arm around Jyn's waist. Jyn stretched and yawned. "Time for bed," she murmured.

Cassian was waking up slowly, pleasantly- something that he wasn't used to. Frequently, he woke with a start- haunted by nightmares of his traumatic past. This morning was different. He felt warm, wet heat enveloping his hard cock, and gasped out as he felt Jyn swirl her tongue around the head. He groaned when she released him with a filthy slurp, and ran his fingers through her mussed hair as she peeked out from under the bedspread.

"What's all this about?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Jyn grinned lazily, mirth dancing in her eyes. Pressing a kiss to his hipbone, she murmured, "It's your birthday! I thought I would surprise you."

Hauling Jyn up to kiss her on the lips, Cassian murmured, "Consider me surprised." Flipping her over, he sat back on his heels and began to run his fingertips against her nipples when her stomach grumbled loudly.

Jyn glanced away, blushing bright red. Cassian leaned forward, brushing his lips against her cheekbones. "Food first, sex later. Our children are hungry."

She smiled at him affectionately, taking his hand as he hauled them both out of bed. "I made us breakfast! Another birthday surprise."

Cassian plastered a smile on his face, trying his best to look enthusiastic. He loved Jyn for her compassion, intelligence, quick wit- but cooking was not something he would list in her repertoire of skills.

When they arrived in the kitchen, he was assaulted by the odor of burnt food.

Jyn gestured to the plates already set at the table. "I bought that chorizo that you like from the store, and made chorizo with scrambled eggs on toast!"

Cassian attempted to keep the most neutral mask possible, staring at the pile of flat eggs and burnt sausage in front of him. Pulling Jyn to his side, he pressed his lips to her forehead and murmured, "Gracias, mi amor. It looks fantastic."

Jyn snickered. Standing on her tiptoes, she kissed Cassian. "You are a great liar…. But I know that this turned out terribly. Walking over to one of the kitchen cabinet, she extracted a large, white paper bag. "That's why I got these for us instead!"

Opening the bag, she showed him the donuts she had picked out from their favorite donut shop. His mouth watered at the sight of the maple-bacon donut, and he cradled the crème brulee donut in his hands lovingly as he transferred it to a paper towel.

As he sat down at the table to munch on his sugary breakfast, he raised an eyebrow at Jyn skeptically. She was usually racing to scarf down donuts, but was still sitting there, grinning like the cat that got the cream.

"Alright, what else do you have up your sleeve?" he asked.

Leaning forward to reach into another kitchen cabinet, Jyn pulled out a neatly wrapped package. Setting it on the table next to Cassian, she made an expectant gesture, bouncing on her heels with excitement.

"Go ahead, open it!" she encouraged

Setting down his donut reluctantly, and wiping his hands on a napkin, Cassian gently unwrapped the present.

"You did a very nice job wrapping this," he murmured.

Jyn grinned guiltily. "The wrapping was all Leia."

As the title of the book began to emerge from beneath the wrapping paper, Cassian felt his heart sink. He had desperately wanted this particular onychopathology textbook. Unfortunately, it seemed that now he had two copies. Smiling widely, he exclaimed, "This is exactly what I wanted! Thank you so much, Jyn!"

Jyn glared suspiciously. "Did Kay already get this for you?"

Cassian sighed and glanced down at the offending text. "Yes."

Jyn groaned with frustration. "I should have known that Kay would get it, too."

Cassian clasped her hand reassuringly. "Yes, but you got me donuts."

Jyn quirked her lips up into a half-smile, but Cassian could see that she wasn't fully consoled.

"Querida, you've already given me more than enough to surprise me for all the birthdays I have left. I never thought I would have a family or a life like this- especially with you! This is more than enough."

Jyn squeezed his hand back. "Are you sure there's nothing else I can give you? Or do for you?" With the second statement, she gave him an exaggerated wink and hip wiggle.

Cassian snickered, giving Jyn a playful swat on the ass. Finishing his donut, he grabbed Jyn's hand. He laughed as she tried her best to race him down the hallway to the bedroom, dropping clothes as she went. When he arrived at the bedroom door, he was greeted with the very pleasant sight of a naked Jyn sprawled against the sheets, legs spread open invitingly. Pulling his boxers off, Cassian slid up against her, pressing kisses against her shoulders and neck.

Shyly, he whispered, "I want to try something new."

Jyn rolled over to look at him, and he felt a blush creep across his cheeks under her cautious gaze.

Reaching up to cup her hand against his jaw, Jyn hummed soothingly. "Hey, it's your day. Don't be embarrassed."

Turning an even darker shade, Cassian almost buried his face in his pillow before finally breathing out, "I want to rim you."

Jyn pulled back a little, shook her head with confusion. "You want to what?!"

Cassian looked away abruptly. "I know it's weird, we don't have to do it, it's fine."

Jyn firmly pulled his face back to look at her. "No…. I just have no idea what that is."

His eyes widened. Jyn always appeared so tough and street-smart, totally impervious- he sometimes forgot that she was still innocent in a lot of ways. While Jyn was certainly not a blushing virgin, she had avoided intimacy for most of her life, which left her sexual experiences to a handful of one-night stands and one or two casual boyfriends. Cassian had kept his sex life pretty vanilla with his previous partners, but with Jyn, he couldn't help but want to try new things. Her ferocity and burning energy drew him in and invigorated his spirit.

A quick pinch on his butt drew Cassian out of his thoughts. Jyn raised her eyebrow. "So, what is it that you want to do with me? Do I really have to Google this?"

Cassian shook his head, blushing again. "No, no… basically…. I want to lick your anus." Not sexy!

Jyn was quiet for a moment, contemplative. Then she murmured, "Sure, why not. Are you sure that you'll like it?"

Cassian kissed her. "Don't worry about that, I'll definitely like it."

Jyn rolled over and got on her hands and knees. "Is this good for you?"

She seemed a little self-conscious, and Cassian ran his hands down her sides soothingly, taking extra time to smooth his hands over the curve of her ass. Leaning forward, he murmured, "Are you ready?"

Jyn nodded, and Cassian pressed his face into her cleft. She gasped out when he pushed his tongue against her asshole, and the surprised gasps quickly subsided into pleasured moans as he slowly worked his tongue against her, pressing firmly and flicking around the edges.

Sliding a hand underneath her, he pressed his fingertips against her clit, moving them in smooth circles as he continued to work her open with his tongue. Coming up for air for a moment, he gasped out, "Good?" between breaths.

Jyn hummed with satisfaction. "I didn't think it would feel like that."

Rolling her over onto her back, Cassian slid a pillow up under Jyn's hips. Jyn spread her thighs wide for him, and Cassian smoothed gentle kisses across her cunt. He sighed as Jyn knotted her fingers into his hair, and leaned forward to lap at her clit. Jyn cried out at the unexpected attention. Cassian grinned against her, before pushing her thighs up so that her ass was exposed. Swirling his tongue against her anus, he began to alternate back and forth. When Jyn begged for Cassian to let her come, he finally relented, firmly flicking his tongue against her clit until she shook apart, wrapping her thighs tightly around his head and jerking her hips against his mouth. As she came down from her high, Cassian kissed her thighs.

Sliding up her body, Cassian brushed the head of his cock through her wetness, startling a surprised hiccup of pleasure from his lover. Pressing a kiss to her collarbone, his eyes fluttered shut as Jyn took him in hand and guided him into her. It was his turn for a startled gasp when Jyn suddenly flipped him onto his back so that she was astride him. She was so petite, he often forgot how much strength was hidden beneath her slight frame.

Running his hands up her sides, Cassian closed his eyes in pleasure as Jyn rode him with undulating thrusts and slow, delicious squeezes. The images and sensations from rimming Jyn and eating her out coursed through his mind, and he gasped out, "I'm not going to last much longer."

Jyn took his hands in hers, squeezed tightly. She didn't respond verbally, but Cassian knew that she was giving him permission to let go. When Jyn shifted against him with a little more urgency, he felt himself spilling into her with a hot rush, moaning out as he finished. He quickly reached up, pulled Jyn to him, and she nestled to his side, pressing kisses all over his face and shoulders as his breathing slowed.

After a few moments of silence, Cassian murmured, "Let's go on a trip."

Jyn raised her eyebrows. "Right now?"

Cassian shook his head. "No, maybe in a few weeks. I was reading in the baby magazines, and everyone calls it a 'babymoon'…"

Jyn cut him off with a loud snort. "That sounds dumb and cheesy."

Cassian huffed with indignation, "Well, the name is stupid, but this will be our only opportunity to go on a vacation alone before we have children. Don't act like a week off work with massages and days on the beach doesn't sound enticing."

Jyn tried her best to look disinterested, but Cassian could see the spark of intrigue flickering in her eyes.

"So where would we go?" she casually inquired.

"I was thinking Charleston. Relatively short drive, no flights, lots of restaurants and beaches."

Jyn hummed her acknowledgement. "Charleston could be nice. I haven't been in a really long time."

Cassian pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Does this mean I should start making plans?"

Jyn grinned and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I guess so."

Cassian tipped her chin up and kissed her slowly. Savoring the moment, he only withdrew when he needed to catch his breath. Between small inhalations, he thanked her.

"What for?" Jyn questioned, equally breathless.

"It's been a great birthday," he said.

A mischievous smirk made its way across her face. "The day is only getting started," she teased as she sat up to straddle him.

That birthday was a very different birthday for Cassian- the halls of his apartment, filled in previous years by silence or serious conversations with Kay, were instead filled with sounds of laughter, moans, sighs, and cries of pleasure. Cassian could only hope that it was a harbinger of joy for birthdays yet to come.